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So, here's the thing. I've written 40 pages of my new story, and completed the first chapter. I need someone to give me their opinion on the story, to know what to fix.

Also, there's a battle system in there, so debugging would be helpful.

So that's the offer... Please, if you're going to sign up for this, try to have some experience at rating storygames and good understanding of english grammar... Because I'm not english.

For me personally, I think it can be a 5. I've also asked Kiel_Farren to help, but he's busy, so I'm asking someone else.

So yeah, that's it... Again. please have understanding at rating story's and english grammar.

Keep in mind that my native language isn't english.

:)

A link would be useful, you know? Also, don't want to sound like an ass, but saying that English isn't your native language is a poor excuse for having grammar mistakes.

Yeah, the link

My grammar is actually really good for a bosnian, I'm just saying that so no-one says that It's really bad for a person who writes like this.

Also, you're not being an ass, criticism is always useful :)

English is not my native language and yet, I still have good grammar (Malkalack might disagree). It is good, though, I advise that before trying to write a storygame, improve your grammar. I read some of my older works and they were absolutely terrible.

I think it's good enough. I got a 5/8 on my other storygame, but then a four, and no critics were about grammar

Still, that's no excuse to stop trying to improve it, there's an article on this site that says that grammar can make or break a storygame, so poor grammar on a good plot will lessen the impact of said plot.

Hmm... Alright, I could maybe try one of them writing exercises.

*criticisms (yay, now you've got one XD)

Either "none of the criticisms were about grammar," or "no one criticized the grammar."

Also, moved to WW

Oh, come on!

You're nitpicking.

It also says Kiel is the co-auth, but I wrote i, I put him there to beta test if he wants

I thought only way to have someone beta test your game is that you make him a co-auth

Yes; sneak preview has to be on.

Good point. @BerkaZerka @JJJ-thebanisher @Sethaniel this thread should be in Writing Workshop.

Yep. Thanks~ (+1 XP)

That's all find and dandy, but has anyone actually read the story?

So, anyone have any opinion about the story?

The story seems interesting so far. The concept sound similar to Briar_Rose's storygame. The storytelling is a little bit vague at times, though, especially in that scene where the protagonist and Atam travel to the castle.

"Your eyes light up. Atham notice, and is genuinely scared for his life… This guy looks like a pissed off Leacher! You could just kill him right there… But somehow you do manage to calm down. You grab the poor kid by his collar, easily lift him from the ground and make him piss himself:"

What kind of personality are you trying to establish with your protagonist? I get that he's brash and aggressive, but are we supposed to root for him or are we supposed to hate him? Isn't Atham supposed to the protagonist's best friend? I'm a little bit confused with their relationship. What kind of "friend" makes the other piss himself and beg for his life? Is Buttonforks someone just really important to the protagonist? Also, it's a bit confusing why Atham and the protagonist hitched a ride on the carriage to the castle. Atham references the captors using a vague pronoun without explicitly referring to the captors by name or family. One can only assume that Atham was referring to the royals, but still it's a bit vague. Who specifically took Buttonforks? The bullies in the beginning? The servants? The guards? Mysteriously hooded individuals that are somehow connected to the royals? Why didn't Atham elaborate on the circumstances of Buttonforks rather than letting the protagonist assume that Gyrd's Best Fucking Fucker (I love that nickname, by the way) had something to do with it?

Aside from the vagueness, I like what you have written so far. I can't say for certain because I've only read the first chapter, but it seems like the kind of story I would enjoy. In terms of grammar and spelling, the most noticeable mistakes would probably be the excessive use of eclipses and semicolons, and the excessive uses of "Umm" and "Err." For more help in terms of grammar and proper punctuation, check out Purdue.

1. Yes, It's similar to price of freedom... I really like it, and felt sad because it wasn't being worked on anymore, so I embarked on this project... Don't worry, things will get different from the Price of Freedom in future, I'm just using that as a base.

2.So I should work on that vaugness, right.

3. Byll (the protagonist) is not supposed to be likable. He's rash (especially when it comes to Buttonforks) and aggressive... As for the likableness, that's something you have to decide by yourself.

3.Their relationship has been strange, because you can see that Byll has some anger management issues... Atham knows this, but tries to help him out, because he's Byll's ONLY friend.

4. I think it's easy to realize that Buttonforks is very important.

5. That's because Atham doesn't know the noble's name or family... But it's pretty f-ing obvious they're noble.

6. The Noble family took Buttonforks... Didn't I out that in?

7. Gyrd's BFF didn't have anything to do with it. Byll imagined he did (it's explained in the story) so that he could kick his ass for all the bullying.

Hm, perhaps "likableness' wasn't the best word for me to use. I was referring to my confusion over the protagonist's moral center. It seems that he's very righteous since he's willing to get beat up over a friend and protect other kids from bullies, so I was thrown off by the contrast of this selfless act and the following act where the protagonist almost kills his friend. Does he always act like this to his friend? This is why I was questioning Byll's relationship with Buttonfork. Byll's actions could imply that he gets provoked to irrational violence easily and abuses his friend on a daily basis over all sorts of matters, or it could imply that he does not normally behave this was to his friend and he's just very, very protective of Buttonfork. Judging from what you said about Byll and Atham's relationship, it seems to be a bit of both.

As for the kidnapping passage I looked at the dialogue again and I read "The good ol' neighbors are taking a stroll to the castle... We need to get on their carriage... They got Buttonforks!" so I concede that it's pretty much straightforward who the good ol' neighbors were. I just was expecting a bit more elaboration. What did Atham see? Why would anyone be kidnapping Buttonforks, let alone a Noble family? What do they have to do with it? These circumstances are MYSTERIOUS indeed, eh? As for Gryd's BFF having nothing to do with it, and that Byll's irrationality, yeah that was pretty straightforward, there was no confusion there.

Anyways, now you've got me curious on where your story is going. Good luck on your storygame! :) I hope my input helped. ^^

He doesn't really protect kids because of his righteousness... It's because he's attacked by bullies and wants to get back... That's visible when he protects Arkas (the fat kid). He does the same thing Gyrd did to him. He doesn't really torment Atham on a daily basis.

Concerning the kidnapping of Buttonforks, it's all in chapter 2... And that's where Atham's and Bylls relationship gets a bit messed up... I finished that part, so you can read it.

THERE WE GO!

Chapter 2 is complete.

Read it, and I think You'll find it shocking 

(PM me when you read it @Spacecats, I need to ask you something.