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My story is about a woman trying to protect her son during the zombie apocalypse. I was playing around with different ideas as to how and where the story should start, when this idea struck me. Just curious if it seems like a good place to start or not? Or would it be better to have a little more background before throwing the player straight into the action. Also, does this seem like something you would want to play?

The main character awakens suddenly from a deep, peaceful sleep to a mild sense of unease. She waits a few moments before doing anything else to allow her eyes to adjust to the dark room engulfing her. As she lies there trying to puzzle out why exactly panic is building in her chest, she suddenly senses what she had been missing in her evaluation of the room. There is an odd, wet, slurping noise coming from the foot of the bed. Although she can't clearly see what is making the horrific noise, she senses that it's about the same size of her husband. She can just make out the outline of whatever it is. While she is still lying there trying to piece together what she's actually seeing, the hall light suddenly clicks on. In the now lit scene in front of her...she sees a creature that had once been her husband but is now so totally altered from that previous state of being that she fails to grasp what exactly the creature is. The thing, for lack of a better word, is feeding on a unknown form that has odd golden tufts of hair, but for the most part consists of bone and blood. She stares on in horror as she realizes that the clump of flesh is actually the remains of her golden retriever. As she still remains frozen in shock, her son bounds into the room startling her out of her dreamlike trance. He yells something about zombies, but before he can take another step into the room... the creature lunges from the bed. To be continued...

I like the overall writing style and it's a good start to a story which raises a lot of quesitons, but I do feel like there are a few points that could do with improving:

• Referring to the protagonist as "the main character" in the narration breaks the immersion. Either give her a name or find another way of referring to her that sounds better. You could always go with first or third person perspective, which seems to work well for most storygames.
• When the size of the outline is given as about the same as her husband, it kinda gives away that it is her husband. Sure enough, only a few lines later, it's revealed as such. This brings me to my next point...
• Try to draw out the suspense a little more. It's often difficult to get the balance right between keeping the reader on edge for as long as possible and not boring them by dragging it out for too long, but in this case I think this scene could do with expanding. More sensory detail about the surroundings or information about the situation/thoughts of the main character might help with this. Either that or give players choices before they husband zombie reveal so they're given the illusion of length. If you look at the beginning of Dead Man Walking, another storygame with a zombie theme and a somewhat similar opening to this, the number of lines in between the start of the sounds and finding the zombie aren't necessarily that big. But it feels suspenseful because there's a bit of a break where the player has to make a decision, and they think "oh no, what will happen if I make the wrong choice?"

Long rant with that last point but I hope it helps! Take all this with a grain of salt, though, because I'm just one inexperience writer who hasn't even published one story yet.

Thanks for your advice; although while waiting for someone to post, I already and finished and revised this scene. My writing pace when I'm in creating mode is frantic and fast-paced, lamo, which some would say isn't very productive for the writing process but has worked for me for almost 20 years now. (Has it been that long?) The character of course already had a name, but I didn't want to give too much away or no one would be excited to play lol. The story is  actually written in the second person point of view using you/your instead of she/her as in this example. And finally, while that would be a great way to build suspense, I actually didn't add any links in this scene. It's actually a lot longer than this example, I wanna say like four or five paragraphs but can't remember at this moment. I tend to be very detailed when building suspense. I hope that when and if I get my story published you appreciate the changes! 

Final note: don't underestimate your writing capabilities. Many great authors take years (or more) before deciding to publish and/or seriously write. You had valid points that would have greatly helped had I not already revised this scene. 

EDIT: Never mind, me being silly again. :)

It originally was. And a feeler to see if it seemed like a good idea. I constantly reread and rewrite different scenes as I progress, even when writing novels and poetry... (part of my OCD...) :P

Lmao don't edit while I'm responding still.... 

Sorry. For the benefit of others, I said something like "oh, so it was a summary, not the actual opening scene?" or words to that effect.

Yeah, I also find that's the best way to write: quickly and unpolished, then let it rest, and you can perfect it later when you come back to it.

Or, my far easier route, go quickly and unpolished, let it rest, say you're going to go back to it, polish the first few pages, get bored and publish.

I'd say for a zombie story, you'll want to have something that makes your zombies unique. The site already has two featured 'purist' zombie stories. I'm not saying it's a bad idea - just that it may be difficult to break the mold with this topic (without a special flourish). But people do tend to love zombies.

I'm all for starting with action as soon as possible. Let backstory build as you go along, filling it in only as needed, especially in a horror. Get the adrenaline pumping early!

I read your (summary?)/(initial pilot scene?) as you wrote it, then read it again, substituting phrasing so it read properly in the second person. I think the second person works much better.

If you want to see what is already here, Dead Man Walking and Survive the Zombies are the two currently featured zombie stories. Both are under horror.

Thanks for your feedback, Bucky. I actually decided to take a small break from writing for a couple days, and I'm currently reading Dead Man Walking. I had no idea there where already such good zombie stories available on this site. I was just trying to finish a novel I started years ago that I never finished after the first couple chapters. While my story had a few good scenes, I didn't feel it had enough material to become a novel. When I found this site, I realized it would make a great CYOA story though. As I'm reading the other stories available though, I'm becoming a little weary of walking in another great writers footsteps. Dead Man Walking is such a great story!

Ah, never worry about not being as good as someone else. As long as there's actual effort put in a story, it will be a welcome break from the endless barrage of terrible games or "Previews".

Thanks for your advice. In that case, no worries here. I've already spent many months of effort of this story originally and many days converting it into a CYOA story.