Forums » Writing Workshop » Read Thread

I recently had a pleasant chat with Will and well, it went sort of like this…

(Warning: There may be embellishments)

Bloody bodies lie strewn about the fair land of CYStia. A great battle has just taken place and those that have not died or fled are now picking the spoils off the dead.

Not the first time and certainly won’t be the last.

Enter Sir William Smiley who just shook his head at the waste and loss. While he truly believed in what CYStia stood for, it saddened him to see what it often descended into.

As he looked over the carnage, he heard the screams of one of the hapless unfortunates that happened to be on the wrong end of a disagreement. The person was currently being tortured by a few of the winners of this battle. It wasn’t enough for some to just destroy their enemies, they had to completely humiliate them as well.

While Sir William did understand that there was sometimes a need for self-defense against the barbarians, he really didn’t agree with some of his more…enthusiastic compatriots approach to things.

MASTER INQUISITOR: Shove another mason jar up his ass and flog him again.
HAPLESS NOOB: NOOOOOOO!
SIR WILLIAM SMILEY: Um, hey there.
MASTER INQUISITOR: Huh? Oh hey Will. What brings you here?
SIR WILL: The screams for one thing. Is…is that really necessary?
MASTER INQUISITOR: It’s the only way he’s going to learn. If it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t count.
SIR WILL: Hm, I actually wanted to speak to you about a matter of importance.
MASTER INQUISITOR: Can it wait? Sort of busy here.
SIR WILL: It’s actually relating to this.
MASTER INQUISITOR: What are you on about?

SIR WILL: It’s this vision I have! I was thinking that we could do more to convert barbarians by building a mighty temple to Ap and from this temple we could spread the faith through words rather than sword! I mean most of the time when we do this, it’s just a slaughter. I’m getting all the members together like Sir Farren, Elder Seth, Lady Mizal, Mistress Briar of the Rose, Brother Steve and others! I was hoping you’d want to participate…

Sir William’s dialog was suddenly interrupted, by a sudden exasperated move by the Master Inquisitor who grabbed a whip from one of the masked men torturing the victim who was at this point pathetically begging for the sweet mercy of death.

MASTER INQUISITOR: Damn it man, put your back into it! Do I have to do every fucking thing! Like THIS!

After a couple of swings of the whip and a stripping of the victim’s flesh, the whip was handed back to the subordinate and the Master Inquisitor returned to Sir Will, who saw that he was going to have a long road ahead of him.

SIR WILL: I ask again, is this REALLY necessary? I mean you’ve already beaten the poor bastard into submission!
MASTER INQUISITOR: Yes, but it’s important that he never forgets.
SIR WILL: He’s going to die at this point and then whatever lesson you think you taught him will be for naught. And who are these two freaks in the hamster and penguin masks that you have working for you anyway?
MASTER INQUISITOR: Hell if I know, but they’re loyal followers, good in a fight and ruthless as hell and that’s all that’s important right now.
SIR WILL: I’m just saying you could spend your time better. I don’t think this is the way to spread the faith, friend. We need to find a better way. I mean you could be one of those showing the unbelievers the way to the light.
MASTER INQUISITOR: Yeah, that’s no fun and boring. I let you and Sir Farren do that, you’ve got more patience for it.
SIR WILL: Oh come on. I’ve seen you be nice to a few.
MASTER INQUISITOR: Yeah, when they’re like Acolyte Wynn D. Bloodreign and are actually interesting and have promise to begin with. But you do realize that all of the people you mentioned have participated in several atrocities not too long ago right? It’s not just me you know. Lady Mizal, is no damn lady considering some of the ruthless shit I know she’s done. Mistress Briar laughed at the infidels as she was killing them, stripped naked and bathed in their blood. Brother Steve not only raped every heathen he killed, he also raped their damn horses. Hell even Sir Farren pissed on one of the infidels before he left the battlefield. And that’s not even counting Elder Seth altering reality to transform one of the infidels into a…well I’m not exactly sure what it was, but Brother Steve raped and killed it anyway. Everyone’s got their limits and sometimes you need to just show no mercy to the heathens. It’s a therapeutic and healthy release I assure you.

Sir Will exhaled deeply realizing his efforts to convince the master inquisitor were failing, but as there always is darkness, there is always a glimmer of hope that is never completely extinguished.

MASTER INQUISITOR: Look, I know you’re a good guy and your goals and intentions are noble, so I’ll take your words under advisement. Hey you two, release the infidel, I think he’s seen the light and is ready to accept the words of the glory now.
SIR WILL: I’m glad to see you’re not entirely unreasonable.
MASTER INQUISITOR: Yes, well I have my moments. Anyway I have to get back to working on my own temple to the glory of CYStia. Good luck on getting the rest of the members together for your project though.
SIR WILL: Thanks and good luck on your endeavors.

One week later…

Sir William sees another bloody battlefield…and another hapless surviving barbarian being tied up and prepped for torture.

MASTER INQUISITOR: Okay, load up the baseball machine with potatoes and shoot them up this infidel’s ass until he turns blue.

SIR WILLIAM: What the hell?! I thought you were taking my words under advisement!
MASTER INQUISITOR: I did, I’m dispensing with the flogging. It’s overkill. The baseball machine is more than enough.
SIR WILLIAM: I…wait…the one loading up the baseball machine, isn’t that the guy you were shoving mason jars up his ass last week?
MASTER INQUISITOR: Yep, he walks a little funny now and still needs to be flogged every once in awhile, but he’s fully seen the light of the glory and is ready to punish other infidels. The system works.
SIR WILLIAM: *Facepalm*

Anyway, not sure if Will can use this (or parts of it) in his new story plan, but there’s my contribution.

My favorite part was when I was shoved up the guys ass.

But yeah, this is CYS these days. Why don't we just spend our time waging war on Infinite Story?

Actually YOU were the guy getting mason jars shoved up his ass. This conversation between Will and I occurred during that infamous rape thread where you were getting completely destroyed.

I had this idea then, but didn’t write it. However given the recent bout of trolling by some other idiots (and also resulting in their mockery), I decided to go ahead this out and write it out and add the bit about recent events since it’s obvious that I didn’t heed Will’s advice very well. Lol.

Yes, I didn't like the turn that thread took..though then again, considering the kind of thread it was to start with can't say I was surprised. I'm all about letting people hang themselves with their own rope, that was a bunch of older teenagers and 20-somethings viciously savaging our poor, dear Mason who couldn't possibly be expected to know any better, bless his heart.

Ouch, Mason failed to realize that he did not come off well in this story.

This was pretty great.

And poor Will, it's true, we're all such dicks here. :D

I'm not completely evil though, I'm usually satisfied with giving them a simple beating and then releasing them to rejoin society and think over what they've done. It's when they immediately turn around and start waving their ass around again that I bring out the special bat with spikes on it and the jar of lube. 

This was hilarious, although I'm not sure why I'm a rapist.

You were arguing in favor of zoophila in another thread, so you got saddled with the “Every hole is a goal” trait. It made logical sense that you raped the horses as well.

On the plus side, think of how much stamina you must have.

Oh yeah. Ah, memories. I better be able to drain their Mana when I rape the horses.

Gotta get your Horseraping skill to at at least level 5 before you gain that ability. Better get practicing.

Please, this is over. While it was pretty funny, let's all just shut up, please?

Hate to crush your ego, but this really wasn’t about mocking you again. It was an over the top version of the real conversation I had with Will.

Your role (much like everyone else’s) was just necessary to simulate the recent events. If anything it’s shown that you got spared and became a compliant follower of CYS (Who still needs a beating every once in awhile, but you weren’t killed) and engages in the same mockery of random idiots as everyone else.

Circle of life and all. Or cycle of violence. Something.

Plus, Will really does have this idea to make some story/article to guide noobs and he was talking about trying to hammer out the idea and gather some of the other members to help him. I’m not sure how he’s doing it yet (If he does), but this bit was basically my contribution if he can use any of it (or the general theme, or whatever).

So lighten up jar boy!

That's actually a good idea. And yes, I will take your, uh, offer to lighten up.

M: "Hah, funny!, I was shoved up an ass!"

End: "Well, actually you were the one being violated with jars."

M: "GUYS LETS JUST STOP POSTING OKAY IT'S OVER PLEASE DONT READ THIS!"

Poor Mason...

XD

Very nice. I mean, horrific and disturbing on several levels, but that's what the internet is so great at. And for.

Not many walked out of that thread (infamous? Really? I've seen better, harsher, more sustained, less .... adolescent flames, but I digress) with dignity. Bit naive thinking, justifying yelling at someone by 'This'll learn him!'

Anyway, a wonderful transplanting analogy.

I'll reiterate what I said in the last thread, I just don't think some 10 year old who posts about who rape victims is up for an intelligent debate. My thinking wasn't necessarily "This'll learn 'im!" It was, "I'm annoyed, this is an ass, maybe he'll learn some shit." I don't have enough patience or free time to actually teach or explain myself to most of the users here, otherwise I would've tried to help him with his long list of dysfunctional non-jokes. Until the day where I've reached a zen consistent enough to put up with all their shit, and a nature irritating enough to counter their errors with an equally irritating paragraph of advice, there's the easy, negative-reinforcement lessons where at least some members learn how not to use a forum, and the rest are awarded with lulz.

The mature response in that kind of situation is probably more along the lines of handing the kid a cookie and a glass of milk and asking them to go play outside while the adults have a talk.

...not that being an adult is at all an indicator of being able to handle a discussion in a mature way, especially on the internet, when they topic's an inflammatory one by nature. Sometimes the only way to win is to read a thread title and go 'fuck no, I'm not even clicking that, lol'.

The mature response isn't nearly as fun, though. And besides, sighing exasperatedly and more or less telling them to get out of the thread so the smart people can talk is going to just piss them off without providing opinionated grounds for discussion, (even if inflammatory and poorly put together) and sound immature to everyone else since it just seems condescending when no one can actually see how much older you are than the other poster. Although I guess that is part of growing up. A grown man knows when to take the boring path... Which is most of the time, unfortunately.

Pff, I have to click every thread title! I have a shiny trophy to maintain!

And besides, sighing exasperatedly and more or less telling them to get out of the thread so the smart people can talk is going to just piss them off without providing opinionated grounds for discussion, (even if inflammatory and poorly put together) and sound immature to everyone else since it just seems condescending when no one can actually see how much older you are than the other poster.

In any other situation, yes, it'd come off as horribly elitist and condescending, but everyone knows who the kids are here. There are a lot of really young members here and there are just some subjects they're not going to have the life experience to seriously discuss, even when they insist on posting all about it anyway. Rape I'd say definitely being one of them. 

I mean I enjoy being an asshole to children as much as the next person, but I just feel like there's a line to be drawn right before things go from gentle, low key mockery to the ugly kind. A topic like that is always going to get ugly one way or another though so eh.

Sooo... if I was kid would you yell at me, or give me cookie and tell me to go play outside?

Though I don't know what Mizal would do, I would yell at you to play outside.

And that's why I love you Kiel, in a lovable ass kind of way.

My apologies for bringing up a dead point. It's clear where you stand on such productive venting, at such issues that can only be resolved by having a go at someone on a forum, I'll leave you to it.

No apologies needed, you bring up a good point, there are even more productive ways to  try and help. I don't have the massive amounts of spare time, patience, or willpower to fix this problem, though. If you get Buddha's number anytime soon, though, it might be worth sending him a link.

Obviously, Buddha's number would be one. As in, one with everrything. Or, one with everything, the fat git.

</dadjokes> I'm sorry.

I'd try to make an even worse dad joke, but you've probably already one the thread.

Haha this is excellent :D With a little editing this could definitely be the Prologue to the story... the reader is captured on the battlefields of Cystia following the latest violent slaughter and taken to a dungeon under suspicion he is a... Unbeliever? One of the numerous Race of bad writers that the inhabitants of Cystia have sworn to seek out, purge or destroy? To prove he is not he must undergo a horrifying series of tests at the hands of Master Inquisitor, Seth the Elder, Mistress Briar of Rose, Lady Mizal, Sir Farren, Brother Steve and dozens of others while William Smiley argues there is still hope for the poor unfortunate reader...

Many of the other noble warriors of the Order of Not-Crap Writers of Cystia can expect PM's this month inviting them to participate in this story game :)

I hear there are vile cultists who use their dark magicks to take on the form of cats of wolves, then prance around in some kind of mockery of human society. A mighty blow was struck against them in the Great Purge of years past, but disturbing reports are popping up all the time of a few still lurking in the shadows, attempting to recruit others to their brand of depravity with poorly written tracts.

Supposedly if they don't go into a seizure at the sight of a real cat or wolf just acting like a normal animal, it means they haven't been fully corrupted. But personally I like to force feed them a 50lb sack of raw onions dipped in chocolate and then just wait and see if they die. It's the only way to be sure.

Excellent opportunity to apply the super-sized worm pill suppository while they're strapped down in the dungeon, too. Wild animals are crawling with parasites, inside and out.

(At one point during the height of the WC madness I seriously considered writing an educational story about actual feral cats living in the woods and the many health issues, diseases and parasites they could get (with pictures) and why just cranking out kittens non stop would be a bad thing...)

... :P I'm not sure if I should take your recounting of our atrocities as a compliment of me being the nicest of the crazy bastards around here who have ridiculed newbs, or the least threatening... or if I should feel lazy and like I need to aspire to Steve's grand tradition of necrophilia and bestiality.

(Also, LIES AND SLANDER! I have never pissed -on- anyone, I just took the piss -out- of them due to being pissed -off-. I do understand your confusion, though.)

Sir Farren writes long, mocking letters denouncing the heathens and their works, point by point. (Or Will needs to work in the sarcastic reviews somehow or other...)

Yes, especially against my mortal enemy, Bevan. xD I have been told lately that I should start reviewing stories again, lol.

You can't spell bestiality without best.

Touché. >_>

I'm totally the Sir Clegane of this here situation.

So Malk's your brother?

Which one is the Mountain and which one is the Hound?

I tend to think of myself as a mixture of the two, since I can't decide whether my salt is more brutishly pragmatic or pragmatically brutish. I also totally would've burnt the face off of the annoying little twat that was younger me, and then grow up to be spiteful about everything because older me was such an asshole. Malk strikes me as more of a Jaime Lannister, being an ex-white knight and all. I think nmelssx qualifies as Varys the spider, being a creepy, passive-aggressive, inscrutable bastard with allegations of statutory chexing hanging over him like an anime stormcloud.

Aman is definitely Robert Baratheon. He may have lost the game, but he won in the end for being so goddamn glorious.

Yey! I'm in the story! ... But I've got to admit, I'm not exactly sure what you're going on about. Need to get up to date on my forum threads. 

You missed a bunch. Breezy fought Mizal after Mizal beat the crap out of some newb, a five year old came to defend breezy, God, what a week. The funniest part was that the Breezy was actually against the five year old who came to defend her.

In all honesty, if this doesn't become a storygame this site has failed me.

:P It's a WIP.

You forgot about the part where the jar's long lost twin brother "PeasantSpoon" attempts to pull the jars out from his ass in an attempt to save his brother, but fails miserably as his cover is blown within seconds of showing his face.