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The Nymph   

 I stopped and sat down as the woods around me continued to move. The squirrels scampered. The wind flowed. The river breezed by. But, all I could think about was my lady, my beautiful lady.
    

She was the only woman I could ever love, or I thought she was. I thought she was real. I thought she was alive. But, they didn't see her. Why would they? They locked me up inside of a hollow mattress, or so the room seemed to be. I begged and begged for them to release me. But, they wouldn't let me out!
    

Until one day, she came and opened the door for me. Her beautiful brown hair cascaded down past her shoulders. Her warm blue eyes sadly gazed into my grey ones. Without a word uttered, she beckoned for me to follow her.
  

 So here I am, in the woods. The squirrels are scampering. The wind is flowing. The river is breezing by. But where's my love? She's in the river...She wanted me to follow her into the river.
    

But I can't. For, I know what fate would await me. I know that I would float helplessly to the bottom. She knows too, and she understands. But this nymph, this woman of the water, she understands. But, she's also patient.

One day, I might take my kayak down that river, I may go for a swim. There, at the bottom of this mighty river, my love will be waiting.

Are you asking people to parody your story? In that case, this would probably belong in writing workshop :)

Leave it to me to post it in the wrong spot. Can a mod relocate it?

@Killa_Robot @Endmaster

Please? :3

No! You fool! The mods must be summoned with the appropriate cookie ritual!

Red Velvet/Chocolate Chip Peanut Butter cookies?

The latter sounds more appetizing. But, I'm not a Mod/Admin, so I wouldn't know.

What about them all combined? That's what I was offering :D

Why the fuck would anyone parody this?

*shrugs* Because they can?

Steve, you live in Eire right? Shouldn't you be going to bed soon?

Oh, is it my bed time? Good to know. Kindly fuck off, and don't make shitty threads asking people to parody a story that's too short, too boring and too worthless to devote their time to doing so.

Though I understandably accept your insult, I was making a curious inquiry.

It wasn't meant to be fancy. It took less than 10 minutes to write, and that's how my better things would start out. The purpose was to see someone do better or worse (on purpose).

The Popular Girl

Dear Diary *snarf,*

I stopped and sat down in class as the students around me continued to move. They all ignored me. I wasn't popular because I spent all my time asking strangers to write parodies of my short stories. But, who cared anyways? I all could think about my lady crush, my beautiful crush, *snarf* who didn't really give a damn about me.

She was the only woman I could ever love (she was the only one who bothered to talk about me). I though the love between us was real. I thought it was alive. But no one else saw it. Why wouldn't they? Because they're snarfing jocks. I mean, they locked me inside of my gym locker more times than I could count. I begged and begged fo them to stop bullying me, but the coach thought I was so annoying that he didn't give two craps.

Until one day, she came and talked to me again. It was great! It was the 2nd sentence she ever said to me! "Hi," she said to me in an enchanting sing-song voice (the only other word she said to me was 'Ew' back when I lost my retainer in her soda.) She then beckoned for me to follow her.

Turns out she was a lifeguard's assistant. She needed me to take the swim test; every student needed to take to pass P.E. But *snarf* that fact that she came for me must be love, right?

So, here I am, in the school pool. Swim meet students are swimming. The AC is [not] flowing (damn budget cuts). But where's my crush? Oh wait, she's right there. Mom always said I need to wear my bifocals *snarf*.

But I can't. For, I know that my awkward body quirks would await me. I know that I would float helplessly to the bottom and be hopelessly humiliated by those jocks *snarf*. She knows too, and she understands. But this girl, this lifeguard in the making, she understands. (Wait, I said that she understands twice *snarf*. Well I tend to repeat myself when I get *snarf* nervous.) But she's also patient.

Unfortunately, those snarfing school jocks aren't. My body spasms go into overload awkward mode as they push into the pool. Ahh, I didn't even get to put on my goggles. My bifocals! Oh, Mommy's gonna kill me *snarf snarf*! Oh, I shouldn't have ate lunch this period; here come the body cramps! And I peed myself -- how embarrassing! Oh, I hate swimming!

Oh well, I can cheer myself up by writing storygames, playing Wii, and watching anime like Digimon! "Digimon! Digimon! Digimon: Digital Snarfers!"

@Endeavour But no seriously, I jest out of goodwill.

That was beautiful.

(@Steve24833 The point is to let people do things like this.)

You're fine @temporaryaccount.

Typo Corrections:

 I all could think about my lady crush...

All I could think about was my lady crush...

I though the love...

I thought the love...

begged fo..

begged for...

ate this period;...

ate last period;...

Hard to type right when you're dying with laughter.

People parody things like Star-Wars, Superheroes, Etc. because they have a simple plot, they have iconic moments, and aspects that everyone can make fun of. This is a short story, a very short story, about one (Possibly entirely hypothetical) moment, one concept that could really be made fun of, and no real substance to spoof without entirely rewriting the thing. Nonetheless, I'm in the mood to hate [SPOILER: Might be slightly funnier if you don't know what I'm trying to insult before I do it. I'm also in the mood for being artsy and pretentious... It's probably obvious by the second line or so.] Metroid Other M[/SPOILER] so I'll try.

I sat down on the edge of the volcano and fired down as the solar winds roared across the planet's surface. Soldiers died to my left and to my right, and all manner of arthropodic monsters wasted themselves to my plasma cannon. The lava was getting slightly uncomfortable, but all I could think about was my general, my beautiful, gorgeous, fatherly Commander-man...

He was the only man I had ever spoken with for more than a few seconds, or, at least that's what I remember. I was too embarrassed, I had to leave his employ immediately... He was the one who gave me the baby that I accidentally miscarried... For a few months since, I was completely and utterly impregnated by his glorious vocal word-semen during the brief exchange. It filled me with power. The power to do things I had never done before. The courage to take a gun-kata class, and then lock up one of the space mercernaries that the Commander-man had hired and steal her armor!

Then, after a brief stint where I had to fight alien holograms in front of a stand-up comedian, I was accepted into his ranks! I was so excited, that I surrendered all of my arsenal only to be used under his permission!... Perhaps it was foolish to think that he would take it as a sign of affection, but, truth be told, I didn't actually know how to use them, and I'd hate to give a bad first impression by misusing something his soldiers weren't allowed to use yet... But I would follow my General!

So here I am, in a volcano, watching people and aliens die... Something feels oddly natural about it... But something also feels pointedly wrong... I knew I wasn't exactly meant to be wearing this armor, (it does chafe in places) but part of it rebelled against me. I don't know how I know this, but it's almost as if something half-bird had been sweating in here mid-battle... What the hell used to wear this thing!? Nonetheless, there are beasts up ahead, and they're all clustered together... I should fire something blowy-uppy at them...

But I can't. I'm sure there's a button or HUD cue or something, but, honestly, I barely understand how to fire this gun without a trigger... I'm not going to mess with this until the general says I can. On a related note, I think my comrades are starting to grow wise to my "Bet you don't know how to fire [x weapon]!" trick. I may have to figure this out some other way...

One day, I will be just as good as this "Samus" person! No one will notice a thing wrong with anything! Then, once I've singlehandedly executed all of his missions, my delicious commander-senpai will finally ravish me on top of the ship control panels like he was always meant to do!

I see it. Though I wonder what is up these trending styles like the senpai things and stuff (I thought I was annoying, but yeeesh). All in all, the genre itself is attractive (minus the implied sensuality).

Senpai means "Upperclassman" in a school setting, basically. It's meant to imply a huge crush on an older guy because apparently anime writers like to believe that there's a female equivalent of the utterly insecure neckbeard out there, and she's also attractive... Or maybe they're just trying to give false hope to the watchers. Can't get ratings if your target audience is too depressed to watch your anime school show...

Too true...I'm personally more into the violent (but not gory) Mech stuff.

Meh, why the hell not, I'm feeling bored.

The Mary Sue

I stopped and sat down as the woods around me continued to move. Why the fuck are the woods moving? I really shouldn't have eaten those weird looking mushrooms I found earlier. The squirrels scampered... Heh. Squirrels are fluffy. The wind flowed. The river breezed... Which was fucked up because it's usually the wind that breezes and the river that flows, but hell, it was a fucked up kind of day. All I could think about was Mary. My dearest Mary Sue.

She was the only woman I took the time to stalk of facebook so I could jerk off to that one photo of her where you can just about see the top of her bra poking out from under her V-neck top. (I mean beating one off to her fully clothed photograph when I could be watching porn, it's got to be true love right?) I thought it was real. I thought there was something between us... I mean she said thank you when I pulled out that chair for her. That's got to mean something.

Then one day, I opened the door for her. (I do that every day in Maths class in the hopes that one day she'll notice what a nice guy I am.) Her beautiful brown hair cascaded down her back, making me conveniently forget that I knew nothing at all about her personality. Her warm blue eyes were so hypnotic that I'd still insist we were soul-mates even if she thought Teddy Roosevelt was a stuffed bear and her favorite TV show was Keeping Up With The Kardashians. She didn't need to say a word. I knew she wanted me to follow her.

So here I am, in the woods. The squirrels are munching on helpless baby birds in their nest, (yeah, they do that. Not so cute now, are they?) The wind is flowing. The river is breezing by, (that's still weird.) But where's my love? She's in the bag. She wanted me to bring her here.

Sure, she kicked and screamed for help, but it's all part of the helpless virgin act, (and I'm sure she's a virgin, fuck whatever those guys on the football team said.) But I knew she wanted to be with me. I saw the spark between us that one time she asked me to pick up that pencil she dropped. She knows too, and she understands. This Mary Sue, this girl that I'm sure I have so much in common with, she understands... I mean one time I heard her tell her friends that she likes Game of Thrones! We must be made for each other! (Well, she was talking about how hot she thinks Kit Harrington is, but it's something, right?)

One day I might take the duct-tape off, and then we'll kiss passionately and she'll thank me for taking her away from that mundane life, and all those popular girls and dumb-ass jocks she must've hated hanging around with. Right now I should probably check her pulse though, she hasn't been wriggling for awhile now.

This story is funnier than this shitty ass thread deserves. 

This story is of the kind this thread wanted to be outdone by. Though my bias does kick in (no offense @Briar_Rose), I'm more for the clean but strange/disturbed or the clean and oddly joyous stuff.