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Wanted some thoughts on a story i just started. I don't know how good this would be, so i thought i would ask for the thoughts of the people here.http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-ai-at-the-end-of-the-world

Only able to take a quick peek at it at the moment, but the backstory is interesting and it's a good premise for a story. The actual writing is fine too except that the pages seem really short, looks like just a paragraph each so far.

I'd suggest working in the relevant stuff about the backstory and a bit more about the actual character in the story itself, and just adding more detail in general. As it is just kind of throws you in there in a way that wouldn't make any sense without the description, and there's definitely room to go a bit more into the character's thoughts and reactions to the things that are happening, a little more about how they got there (or the realization that they don't actually know, if you're going the amnesia route). Instead of just briefly telling the reader they suddenly realize there's no gravity, take some time to paint the scene and how the character handles it. Something like that should be a pretty big deal, just like most of this situation but they seem to have no opinions on it.

e: moved to Writing Workshop

thanks for the advice/help, i will try to improve on these things in the story. the MC is meant to be an android with basically no personality, like a cold, soulless husk, along with no memory. this kinda relates to something that'll be revealed later in the story. thanks again

That would be a challenge to turn into a likeable character. Interest in a story generally only goes as far as interest and empathy for the MC.. You might want to consider giving them at least some trait the reader can latch on and relate to, if only a strong need to discover what happened.

I might give them some sort of amnesia, or something like that. im not sure how that would work on a hard drive inside an android though. i could also add a trait or character through clothing, im not sure honestly.

Try to think about why readers should care about this android that has no memories. Just giving them a fancy outfit or whatever won't really work, because that is only a surface level thing that quickly stops mattering with the main character (since you spend more time with them).

I advise thinking about why the character is doing anything, they aren't just sitting down in a corner waiting for orders. Curiosity is a pretty good one, similar to Mizal's example of giving them a strong need to discover what happened, because it is pretty easy to relate to.

I will mention that to me it looks like you want the character to be something readers project onto, and so you aren't really defining anything about them. While this can work, having a blank slate for the protagonist can be difficult, because if they are constantly a blank slate then readers aren't really filling them out either.

I'd say just keep reader engagement in mind, and think a bit about how you want the character to be at the end of the story. If you want them to develop based on choices, make sure that they do! If you want them to stay a blank slate so readers can project onto them, go right ahead, but be careful with scenes that involve major input from the protagonist (like dialogue) since these could easily lead to readers losing engagement with the story (through lack of attachment to the protagonist). Mind you, there are many ways to have a story be engaging, I just view character engagement as the most common one, and a bit simpler to do (since how would you get someone invested in a story with dull characters? Probably by focusing on themes and what not, but doing that in a meaningful way is hard if you ask me).

I will mention that due to choice being integral to storygames, making readers invest in the protagonist can be easier simply because readers are making decisions for them. Hence, I guess a good question to ask would be: is the reader supposed to be making choices for a character, or are they supposed to be the character?

At any rate, one thing that isn't a bad idea is to just try and write the whole thing in whatever way you can, then polish it up later during proofreading. Sort of making a draft first, then improving it. Mind you, this takes longer then just 'finishing' then publishing, but it should lead to better work. If you aren't too keen on this approach, just keep some of the things I mentioned in mind, in order to make the first draft as good as possible. Ultimately, you'll need to find what works for you, I'm just trying to offer up some suggestions.

TL;DR
Keep reader engagement in mind, since having a blank slate protagonist can work, but you want to make sure that it isn't taking away from the story (since if giving the android a personality would make the story better as a whole, I'd say do that instead). Also keep in mind you can revise work once most of it is written, since this means you'll have clearer picture of the whole story, which can make improving it easier. Finally, it is up to you, but if you are uncertain, writing what you can then improving it might be the way to go.

P.S. Regardless of how fast you want to finish, I highly encourage you to proofread once done, because doing so can really push a story from good to great. Just going over each page once when you have them all can really give a level of polish to a story that readers will appreciate. A few small mistakes sprinkled throughout might not seem like much, but when readers spot mistakes it can really kill immersion, and make the story feel less complete. Especially make sure to proofread the most important scenes well, precisely to ensure they retain the desired impact or what have you. Granted, I don't know if you were going to proofread or not, but I am a strong supporter of proofreading and so just had to mention it.

P.P.S. I also strongly encourage you to keep writing. You seem to have an idea for the story that goes beyond what you have written so far, so it'd be a great shame if that part wasn't also written. As such, good luck with the writing, and I hope you found something useful in this post.

thanks for the advice, im working on some method of giving the character personality, but it has proven to be a challenge. i may try to make the character similar to Gordon freeman or just stick to a certain persona. i do have a vague idea of what the character will look like. I also don't plan to have interactions/dialogue, at least with anything living for a long while. thanks again for the help