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Hey guys, so I know I just posted here, and I'll try to post less, but I'm really excited about what I have going for a storygame. It's not nearly complete, but I have a good start. I'd really appreciate if a few people would read what I have for my story "Halo, or Hell, no!" and post your feedback here. It's not much, but I'd like to catch my mistakes early so that I can try not to make them later.

Don't worry about posting too much, if you are actually starting to annoy people it'll be pretty obvious (since they'll tell you lol). As long as your threads have some purpose you'll be fine (though I guess too many posts could end up reducing the number of responses, but I feel this depends on some other things as well).

Anyway, when asking for feedback, it is a good idea to put a link to the storygame in the post (to make it more convenient to access).

Link: Halo, or Hell, no!

Anyway, I don't have too much time, but here are some basic thoughts:

• Nice opening, gets into the premise quickly and the title for the first page is not what one would generally expect.
• An interesting idea for purgatory. There is obviously no wrong way to handle these things, but it does lead to me wondering how much inspiration you'll take from various religions when it comes to coming up with ideas.
• Having the choices described as "reincarnated as an angel or a demon" and then "you'll have to abide by the laws of Heaven or the lawlessness of Hell" is weird, because you then list them in the opposite order, that is: become a demon THEN become an angel. I'd swap the description or the choices, just for consistency, but this doesn't really matter (and mixing choices up is something that is done by some people, so you might be doing that).

Anyway, the writing doesn't seem to have any massive flaws, but maybe someone else can help with pointing out anything. My two tips are:

1. Do not ignore the power of proofreading, as it can help immensely with polishing up work (as you can focus on the readability/flow/pacing rather than the actual ideas).
2. Dialogue punctuation: here is an article link that talks about it. "Hello there!" He greets you with a friendly tone, smiling. => "Hello there!" he greets you with a friendly tone, smiling.

At any rate, keep writing! Seems you're making good progress so far.

Thanks so much for the tips. I'll be sure to take them into account as I continue to write and post here. 

I've edited the order of the choices on that page to fix the consistency. Thanks for pointing that out.

It was fantabulous, even for an unfinished story game, it was one of the best I have read in a while. I really liked the openness and the concept of you being able to choose your own afterlife. This concept would be good for anisogamy and would make it really interesting, but your writing style really emphasized it and amplified it making it really good.

 I really enjoyed your game and it was very unique. Your title was nicely written and matches the story game perfectly. I encourage you to continue on with your story game and keep on writing and diving into it. It has a lot of potential and could honestly in my opinion if you kept on working on it, be one of the top 5 games on this site.

As you can tell by now I really, really enjoyed your story game and honestly, I find it hard to critique you on anything. But here’s what I got like Zake said be consistent in your choices is you list something in order keep it in that same order it will make it easier for the average CYAoan reader. If I’m going to be honest were not all that smart. When your fully finished with your story, proofread it. Believe just a few spelling and grammar errors could tick anybody on a writing website off.  Make it easier on yourself and the rest of the community by proofreading it yourself to make sure you wrote down what you wanted. Also, when have other people proofread some other perspectives won’t hurt that much.

But for the most part your story absolutely rocks, and I love the idea. Overall, I personally think you should delve deeper in and write more. But if your looking to write a shorter story go ahead and do that. Just have other people proofread it when its fully finished.

I'm looking to make this a long-term project of mine, and I'm really enjoying writing it. Thanks for the feedback and I'll be sure to keep those things in mind. :)

no problem!

Good story, you should give it a brief summary. I'll also reiterate what other people have said: Expand on it more and get a proofreader.

Thanks! My mom was a proofreader for a few years, so I think I'll be able to have her do it.

Just thought I should let you know that the “become a demon” link goes straight to the city page now. Not sure if that’s an error or if you deleted the part with the succubus?

Thanks for the heads up, that was not intentional.

Yeah no problem. I really like what you have written of your story so far and hope you follow through with it.

Thanks, the link is fixed now.

Cool

I've expanded the warrior path as well as started the rogue path. In each path is now a major supporting character that will have big impact later in the story. In the warrior path, I've added the first real ending.