I just read through it and I noticed some grammar and style issues that kept recurring. I am going to just compile a list of some of them here so you can go through them and take note of them. Just take a grain of salt with everything I say because I’m not very good with grammar myself.
- “I curled my lip and looked at the floor, my hair went over my face.”
I’m pretty sure that this is a run-on sentence, and to fix it you have to put one of the FANBOYS(for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) after the comma, otherwise it is just a comma splice.
- “‘Great job Yua.’ Mr.Lopez mumbled.”
If you read Gower’s article on dialogue punctuation that Mizal recommended then you will know this already, but when you have the attribution after the quotation then you need to change the period into a comma. If you haven’t then go read it!
-“‘Thank you, sir.’ I said with a voice crack, I swiftly went back to my seat still tightly holding my small page of notes.”
This has both of the above problems. You need to change the period after “sir'' to a comma, and you need to put a FANBOYS after the comma before “I”; although, personally I would just make them two separate sentences. I’m not going to point out every single run-on sentence or issue with dialogue punctuation, but you should probably do a quick proofread and find them all.
-”I start to fear that I may be killed by my Mom today,”
When you have “mom” or “dad” in a sentence they will be capitalized unless you have a word like “my” or “mine” in front of it. If you use it like a name, “Mom will be picking me up from school today,” then it will be capitalized. If you are saying they are yours, “My mom will be picking me up from school today,” then it won’t be capitalized, as is the case here. Again, this happens a few times in the story and I’m noy going to point them all out so you should look for this as well.
The whole paragraph when Yua is arguing with her mom is slightly confusing and brain hurting to read because it is just one big text wall. Like Mizal said, you need to start a new paragraph after someone talks so that it is easier to follow.
- “I fling my head upwards Patting myself dry, I take a deep breath and stomp out.”
I think that you are missing a period in between “upwards” and “Patting”.
-“‘What?! Why??’ I say in a muddled tone.”
This is just a tiny thing, but I feel like “say” should be replaced with “exclaim”. Everything about this sentence says that she is shocked except for the fact that she is just saying it in a muddled tone. You can just ignore this if you want, it just caught my eye when I was looking for any more general mistakes other than the ones I have already mentioned.
-“‘I would like to punch you.’”
This is also a very small thing, but I feel like if someone was mad then they wouldn’t say “I would like to punch you,” they would say “I want to punch you!”
Overall this was pretty good and I would like to read more of it once you finish it.