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Advice anyone?

8 months ago

Just started writing a story can anyone give me some advice?



~Chapter 1~

“First love is simple for my Grandparents, this is simply because they were each others so they only had one. They both met in London at the ripe age of 23 and got married a few months later. Sometime 1968 (COUNTINUE WORKING ON THIS) ” I silence myself clutching the small paper in my hand. The classroom continues to glare at me. I curled my lip and looked at the floor, my hair went over my face. “Great job Yua.” Mr.Lopez mumbled. I looked up from the marbled flooring and took a deep breath “Thank you, sir.” I said with a voice crack, I swiftly went back to my seat still tightly holding my small page of notes.
I pull up my skirt a little and settled into my plastic-lined chair. I glanced upwards to see a green board covered with white text. It reads “Believe you can and you're halfway there -Theodore Roosevelt”
What is that even supposed to mean? I blink a few times dragging myself back to reality. I grip a shriveled-up eraser laying on the edge of my desk. I stare at a small paper in front of me, it lays there blank. I was supposed to fill it out yesterday evening but I was occupied by anxiety of not finishing sed project. I start to fear that I may be killed by my Mom today, she is way too serious about my school life. I spin the eraser between my fingers, I proceed to grab a stubby pencil from my bookbag and hover it over my page.
“Time to turn in your English practice sheet.” Mr.Lopez said irritably. He starts to pursue around the classroom, I sit here internally puking thinking about how terrible this interaction will be. He grabs each and every paper and checks the pages. I bite my lip as he comes closer and closer to rule-breaker me. I can hear each step he takes loudly in my head getting louder and louder. He stands in front of me “Yua?” he says quietly, “Yes sir?” I reply, “Why is your practice sheet blank?”. I put my hands in my lap and squeeze them together mustering up all of the confidence I have, “I-“ I stop “I didn’t do it, Sir…”. “Sit back down and do it then.” He sounds serious enough on a normal basis but now I think he may just be batman, he is truly a scary man he always talks about how he is “never paid enough.”
I look down and slump into my seat feeling as if I am now going to be remembered as that one classic dramatic girl you met in highschool. Luckily this is my last class of the day and soon I will be home. The bell chimes signaling that the pain I have to face is over. I throw everything on my desk into my bag quickly and zip it, I practically throw it over my shoulder. I move my legs as fast as I can maneuvering through the crowd of depressed teenagers. I get out through the door and go over to my bus taking a small breather. A small swarm forms behind me. I pay no mind to it and just hobble over, I walk up the stairs and take the 2nd seat I see. “Finally… I get to escape this despair.” I close my eyes and pretend as if I am anywhere but here. A few stops later I am graced with my house.
“I’m home!” I yell out. I hear no response from my Mother. I think nothing more of it and gently place my bag on the wood flooring. I wipe my shoes on the doormat in front of me. I put my hand on the rail of the stairway and speed down. My feet feel a burning sensation as they scrabble against the carpet. I take a swift turn to the left and jump down the last few steps. My feet pound on the hardwood, I walk through the common area and grab the doorknob to my room. I swing open the door and sprint to my bed, it was simply calling my name. I jump into my bed with wide open arms.
I don’t even bother to think about dinner or any other responsibilities I may have to do today. I simply want to think about sleep, the glorious feeling of being completely un-responsible for all things happening around you. I sleep for around an hour and 45 minutes when I am awoken by an abrupt noise. My eyes flutter open and I untwist my body pulling the covers off myself. I shimmy across the rug slowly wiping off my eyes and tucking my hair behind my ears. I creak open my door to not only see my own mother standing with a model's posture right in front of me.
I yawn. “Yes?” I say in a questioning tone. “Where were you? You were supposed to tell me when you were home.” She sounds stern. “I yelled out earlier but you didn’t say anything back.” “You always seem to have an excuse don’t you Yua?” I squint and furrowed my eyebrows. “What is that supposed to mean?” I say. “It means, I know that whenever anything happens you always seem to have some reason that you weren’t the cause.” she says booming with pent up anger. “Why do you always make it my fault you’re the one who actually raised me.” “No, no I always take the blame for whatever stupid things you may have done, I just got a call from Mr. Lopez said that you barely do your work anymore. All you do is make excuses, I always have to take the blame for you, it’s not fair, act more like a 15 year old and not like a 4 year old.” I clench my lips together and squeeze the door handle. “I’m not the one who always makes excuses on why Dad’s not here. At least i’m not as idiotic to think that he may come back” I start to tear up and before she can sputter out a word I slam my door and lock it as quickly as I can.
Catching my breath I start to process what I had just said. “She was the one who started it, it’s not my fault.” I release my hand from the knob and walk over to my desk where a small thing of crackers lies. I open the small package and dip the small bread chunks in the peanut butter provided. I spin around in my chair with no worries. I finish off my snack and throw it in the trash beneath me. I slam my foot on the small pedal and the lid flys open revealing a large handful of candy wrappers. I toss the packing away and open my small rose gold computer. For the rest of the night I work on bits of homework and play Valorant.
I wake up in the morning sitting in my chair with a sharp pain in my neck. “Oh crap.” I mumble “ What time is it?!” I swing my hand over to my alarm clock and grab it, “3:42 A.M” It reads. And here I was thinking I would be late for school. I hear a growl come from my stomach. I didn’t eat dinner did I? I decided since the likelihood of my Mom being up is not high, I will get a snack. I open my door slowly hoping to not wake my Mother. I tiptoe across the floor and rummage through the fridge looking for something appetizing. I swing my eyes through each corner but nothing looks delectable enough for a 4 AM snack. I open up every drawer and cabinet in the kitchen. Yet I just end up eating a bowl of cereal. I munch on the sweet sensation of cheerios and I hear it, I hear a small crack noise behind me. It’s my Mom. She doesn’t even pay me any mind. She simply walks past me, grabs her bag, and goes upstairs (supposedly to leave.)
We live in a rental home with some friends who live upstairs or in the normal part of a house. While we stay here in the basement. When I was younger I thought we may have been some sort of mole rat species. I hear the clicking of the car headlights and look through the window only to see my Mom inside the car. “She has to get up this early?” I whisper. She just has a basic day job so I always thought she got up around 6 or 5:30 not leaving at 4 AM- “Whatever, more time alone.” I smirk slightly at the thought of having more time to myself. The time I thought I might spend finishing work or watching shows actually turned into me falling back asleep.
Non-proactive me wakes up with my hair in my bowl of milk. I lift my head and it drips off with a wretched warm feeling. “Uck, when did I go to bed?” I say disgustedly. My wet hair goes over my face as I race the drops coming off me to the bathroom. I slid in and decided to wash my hair. “I need to save time or else I'll be late for work.” , “Well I guess I can shampoo in the sink..” Before I can think twice I have already swung my head under the faucet drenching myself in the cold waterfall of tap water. I slit my lips and close my eyes. I slowly rub my hands through my hair putting small piles of shampoo in at a time till I felt the crispy hair chunks vanish. I open the cabinet beneath the sink and grab a hand towel. I fling my head upwards Patting myself dry, I take a deep breath and stomp out. I slip into my uniform quickly, I grab my phone off the nightstand and check the time ‘8:09 A.M’ It reads. Well at least I won’t be too late. I pull my purse off the doorknob and throw my phone inside. I sprint up the stairs.
“Is everything alright honey?” My aunties say concerningly. “Yeah, I just have to go to work.” I say in a rush. “Well how are you going to get there?” “I’m taking a bus there” I utter while pulling on my shoes. “Oh, no, sweetie the bus is a dangerous place for a fifteen year old.” My auntie Aria exclaims. Adaline puts her head on Aria’s shoulder “I very much agree, you are much too young to be riding the bus.” I roll my eyes. “I have been riding the bus for weeks, I'm a perfectly fine Aunties.” I twist my body over to the door. “See you guys this afternoon.” I put my hand on the knob and slowly twist it open to reveal snow. Literal snow. It’s September, and the world has decided to cover my little town in white, fluffy, pain.
My aunts shook their heads in unison. Adaline clicks her tongue “See Yua now you get why we were so worried.” This was clearly a spur of the moment response based on her enunciation of ‘See’. “I am fine. I will just walk there, it can’t be that bad.” I say. I gravitate my foot towards the door and step on the snow as it slushes and crunches underneath my sneakers. My aunts stand behind me staring as I frantically wiggle around my arms to keep from slipping. “This is too much!” Aria says in a giggle. I stop myself in place realizing that this clearly wasn’t going to turn out well. I turn back around and say “Okay fine.” “Oh I just knew you would change your mind!” She says.
They slip on their shoes and jackets and walk through the door. Shutting it behind them. I groan slightly and slump over walking to the car. “Oh shoot!” Aunt Ari says. “I forgot the keys in the house, i’ll be right back!” She informs us about her forgetfulness much too late since we are already down by the car at the very bottom of the driveway. “Soooo.. How’s school?” Auntie Ada says to clear the air. “Um, I guess it’s alright, I mean everything has its pros and c-” “I need to talk to you about Aria.” I am mildly shocked that she cut me off but I guess not that shocked. “Sure. about what specifically though?” I have zero idea on what may be happening, I always talk to both of them at a time, never just one of them, especially if it includes talking behind someone's back.
“I thought you may be able to guess by how we have been lately.” She says. “I’m sorry but… Aria said you and your Mother need to move out within the next few weeks.” “What?! Why??” I say in a muddled tone. “You both have been living here for over 5 years, Aria never says anything but you two do add stress…” “Both of you are true wonders and great people but even we want to renovate the basement for our own family and needs. We both can still help you with the costs of a new living space anything you need we can supply.” She continues on. I may call them both Auntie but we are not related in the slightest no matter how much I wish we were. “Shouldn’t you be telling my Mom and not me?” “Yes I know, it’s just your Mother never really talks to us anymore, she is always quite busy with work and of course with you.” She stops talking and reaches her hand to the sky waving vigorously to aunt Aria as she waddles down the steep pavement hill. I look at my shoes as I wait for her to approach us. I scrape some excess snow off of my boots, staring at the muddy slush coming off. “Ready to go?” she says. I choose not to answer based on the pure uncomfort radiating off of me and aunt Adaline, perhaps even melting the snow. Aria scowls slightly at aunt Ada. “Let’s gooo!” she says.
I stuff my hands into my pockets and slide over to the car door. I pull the handle, it’s still not unlocked. I roll my eyes and stare at Ari tapping the keys groaning at its inability to work. She finally clicks it hard enough to where it makes a loud beeping noise. I pull the handle once again and swing it towards me, the cold air blows in my face from the cold white cars overnight ice-bath. I shiver slightly and jump into the
leather chair. I yank down on the weaved seat belt and clip it into place. I close my eyes and lean against the chilly headrest. Even though my eyes may be closed and I am half asleep I can still feel every bump on the road, and every piece of old Mcdonalds trash hitting my feet. We hit a large speed bump and I smack my head against the cold icy window. I yelp and rub my head vigorously, “Are you okay??” “Yes, yes, I'm fine, I just dozed off.” I take my hand off my head and straighten out the stray hairs. I stretch my arms and stare off into the abyss of falling snow. I discreetly try to over hear their conversation but all I can grasp is slight whispers of aggressive nothings.




























~Chapter 2~

I bring myself to my feet and grab the cold handle, once again my timing is off, I stare up to the front simply to see the “Aunt” Aria slamming the keys against the headboard, quickly the door unlocks and I see her slip a grin before wiping off her face. “What are you doing? Get out of the car.” Addie adds sternly. I throw my legs through the door grabbing the overhead handle for safety. “Okayy~ I need to go, I'll see you guys later!” I am about to quietly slam the door but I hear them saying something “Hey, Yua so..” I expect her to mention the uncomfortable conversation prior to getting in the car, but no. “When do we need to pick you up?” I slit my eyes. “It doesn’t matter just somewhere around 12pm.” Aria nods her head, I suppose this is the time to close the door before I get dragged into a long talk. Almost like an instinct I fling my hand and close it. Not a word all they do is drive away, not even a wave. I give up on my rather idiotic disapoinment and attempt to shimmy into the doorway with out getting a fatal injury. I turn the cold round knob and get a burst of warmth and the smell of coffee roasting coffee beans. “I didn’t think you would show!” “Yeah well it’s not like I wanted to.” A smile slides across his face leaving small dimples in his tan cheeks. “So, Varun, when did you get here? You are usually here later than me.” “Don’t you remember? I live in an apartment building two blocks away. All I had to do was put on some boots.” “That’s truly quite lucky, I had to drive here with my aunts.” I drop my smile and stare at the floor. I can sense him glancing over at me. “Is everything okay?” I practically pull up my hair to get my eyes off the ground. “Of course I am!” I throw on a smile, and he stares at me with no belief in what I had just said.
I take my bag off my shoulder and put it onto the hook of the coat hanger and grab my coat behind my back and try to get it off. “Here let me help.” He comes over to me brushing his hands off on his stain covered apron. He comes behind me and grabs one of my hands and pulls one of the sleeves off. In a spur of embarrassment I yell. “I can do it myself!” He puts up his hands and sighs. “Okay.” I yank the other arm down and wipe my shoes on the conveniently placed mat. I daintily walk over to the small baked-goods section where he is re-stocking glazed scones. “Sorry for yelling at you…” He looks up from the donuts. “Oh… It’s fine.” There is no way he will end it here. “It’s just that I feel as though I should be repaid with one of these fresh donuts using someone else's money.” Told you. “You have the employee discount too! Can’t you just use that?!” He aggressively sighs after my statement. “But that wouldn’t make up for my poor heart being shattered.” I grunt at him. “Fine, how much are they?” “6 dollars.” I try to keep my cool for having to waste practically an hour's wage on some mediocre donut that I can’t even eat. I walk back over to my bag and get my small coin purse out. I pull out the 6 dollars. “Just take it.” I project my hand to him. “Did you forget tax?” “I would like to punch you.” He is clearly shocked by my aggressive remark.


Advice anyone?

8 months ago
Formatting is important. Dialogue needs to be on its own line, with a new paragraph any time there's a new speaker or some unrelated event. And there need to be blank lines in between paragraphs.

There's--obviously--a lot of examples of other writing on this site, you can take a look at it if you're unsure.

If you edit this you're going to have to repaste the new version in a new post, but making it more readable and not just a solid text block will make people more likely to give you feedback on the rest.

You may want to take a look at this article for an explanation of dialogue punctuation as well: https://chooseyourstory.com/help/articles/article.aspx?ArticleId=4309

(And Gower has written a few other useful ones too.)

Advice anyone?

8 months ago
Thank you! I simply copy and pasted this off of a different site so it kinda messed up all of my formatting.

Advice anyone?

8 months ago
Indeed. Honestly, the way that appears in the forum here, as a massive wall of text, will make it very difficult to read and you will likely get few who will actually read it. Simply adding the spaces and correct paragraphs (especially with dialogue) will open it up so that you should get at least some people reading it and commenting on it. Good luck!

Advice anyone?

8 months ago
Thank you so much! I will make sure too fix this (I tried to go quickly) Have a great day also!

Advice anyone?

8 months ago

Wow, great story. But just like mizal mentioned the formatting is the main issue.

Advice anyone?

8 months ago
Thanks Abgeo :)

Advice anyone?

8 months ago

Your welcome! And I love your profile picture lol rats.

Advice anyone?

8 months ago
Commended by mizal on 1/21/2022 3:51:23 PM

I just read through it and I noticed some grammar and style issues that kept recurring. I am going to just compile a list of some of them here so you can go through them and take note of them. Just take a grain of salt with everything I say because I’m not very good with grammar myself. 

- “I curled my lip and looked at the floor, my hair went over my face.”

I’m pretty sure that this is a run-on sentence, and to fix it you have to put one of the FANBOYS(for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) after the comma, otherwise it is just a comma splice. 

- “‘Great job Yua.’ Mr.Lopez mumbled.”

If you read Gower’s article on dialogue punctuation that Mizal recommended then you will know this already, but when you have the attribution after the quotation then you need to change the period into a comma. If you haven’t then go read it! 

-“‘Thank you, sir.’ I said with a voice crack, I swiftly went back to my seat still tightly holding my small page of notes.”

This has both of the above problems. You need to change the period after “sir'' to a comma, and you need to put a FANBOYS after the comma before “I”; although, personally I would just make them two separate sentences. I’m not going to point out every single run-on sentence or issue with dialogue punctuation, but you should probably do a quick proofread and find them all. 

-”I start to fear that I may be killed by my Mom today,” 

When you have “mom” or “dad” in a sentence they will be capitalized unless you have a word like “my” or “mine” in front of it. If you use it like a name, “Mom will be picking me up from school today,” then it will be capitalized. If you are saying they are yours, “My mom will be picking me up from school today,” then it won’t be capitalized, as is the case here. Again, this happens a few times in the story and I’m noy going to point them all out so you should look for this as well. 

The whole paragraph when Yua is arguing with her mom is slightly confusing and brain hurting to read because it is just one big text wall. Like Mizal said, you need to start a new paragraph after someone talks so that it is easier to follow. 

- “I fling my head upwards Patting myself dry, I take a deep breath and stomp out.”

I think that you are missing a period in between “upwards” and “Patting”. 

-“‘What?! Why??’ I say in a muddled tone.”

This is just a tiny thing, but I feel like “say” should be replaced with “exclaim”. Everything about this sentence says that she is shocked except for the fact that she is just saying it in a muddled tone. You can just ignore this if you want, it just caught my eye when I was looking for any more general mistakes other than the ones I have already mentioned. 

-“‘I would like to punch you.’” 

This is also a very small thing, but I feel like if someone was mad then they wouldn’t say “I would like to punch you,” they would say “I want to punch you!” 

Overall this was pretty good and I would like to read more of it once you finish it.

Advice anyone?

8 months ago

How are y'all getting racks of accommodations?

 

how?

Advice anyone?

8 months ago

"racks of accommodations"

...I have six. 

Advice anyone?

8 months ago

I'm not just talking about you,

 

I'm literally the only one ( that's not a lurker) with a big fat 0 in my accommodations bin.

Advice anyone?

8 months ago

Write detailed reviews on short stories and storygames. That's the best way to get a lot of them quickly. 

Advice anyone?

8 months ago

Also, I think you mean commendations. 

Advice anyone?

8 months ago

Stupid auto correct

Advice anyone?

8 months ago

When giving feedback on excerpts and writing reviews for games, if you go into detail on how specific elements worked or didn't work, you'll be more likely to get commendations.  Length definitely does matter, but the length needs to be matched by quality, a 1000-word review that doesn't back up any of its opinions won't get commended.  Basically giving feedback that is useful, and backing it up with examples, will get you commendations.

Creative output like short stories or art also works.

Advice anyone?

8 months ago

Okay

Advice anyone?

8 months ago

Advice anyone?

8 months ago

Thanks ogre, I will use this information wisely.

Advice anyone?

8 months ago
Thank you a lot I will make sure to re-read my story. I (in full honesty) suck at grammar. I always appreciate comments like this that give honest feedback and not just basic information. I try to write better than my ability and quickly, so that clearly makes an impact. I will continue to expand and most likely post it for feedback.

Advice anyone?

8 months ago

I agree with everything stargirl said. In addition, I noticed you have a lot of sentences beginning in "I", often in a row. For instance:

I throw everything on my desk into my bag quickly and zip it, I practically throw it over my shoulder. I move my legs as fast as I can maneuvering through the crowd of depressed teenagers. I get out through the door and go over to my bus taking a small breather.

You need to break those up, or the writing sounds immature. You can do this by either combining them into compound sentences or rewording the sentences entirely.

Also, I was very confused by the second half of your story. Yua switches between saying she's going to be late for school and late for work, then somehow ends up in a donut shop???

Advice anyone?

8 months ago

Instead of "I" you could use another word that describes the situation. For instance "I Practically throw it over my shoulder" you could say " Practically throwing it over my shoulder", It sounds rushed when you constantly use "i" all the time  so If you can use a subsitute word that still has the same, or relative to the same meaning. 

The paragraphs were very long, you need to break up the wall of text, because It can keep the reader more interested, I'm sure The "reader" would like there eyes to have a break.

Some words did not make sense in the context. If you went over it ( And maybe read it out loud so you can hear and see it) Then I'm almost positive that you could find easy mistakes and spelling errors. What I always do when Im writing is start reading the paragraph back word, If you do this your brain wont recognize the order of the text you just wrote. It can allow you to see more in your own writing without your brain being like "same old,same old" . That way you can catch mistakes, and be able to fix them.

Not enough detail, I was slightly confused when I landed in a doughnut shop when I thought I was at the school. The detail could use a bit of work, Example: " I get out thought the door and go over to the bus to take a small breather"  Instead of that you could say... " I barely squeezed through the shool doors, after than you slowly jotted over alongside the parked busses to catch a breather". The same thing, but now we know that the busses are not moving, and how you got over to the busses, and what door you came from.

Misused words, This Is what I also struggle with but in some cases It's better to have the simpler word than one that does not fit the context as well. Im sure If you made a read through you could find what I'm talking about.

Overall, the story was okay. I am no professional writer, But after you practice writing you can get a sense of what your strong suits are, (Like different genres). The story by itself was average, but I'm very sure that this story could be improved from that. I like the realism and how I could imagine myself in a school hallway.

I really hope this helps your writing, happy writing!!!

 

Advice anyone?

8 months ago
I was trying to imply that was her job, I apologize for the confusion! Perhaps I did not make that clear enough.Thanks :)

Advice anyone?

8 months ago
OK! Sorry it took days but I think I have finally fixed the formatting! I will be reading all comments (I really need help with even smaller things :) If you would like I can add your name to the story even if it's a small part





~Chapter 1~

“First love is simple for my Grandparents, this is simply because they were each others so they only had one. They both met in London at the ripe age of 23 and got married a few months later. Sometime 1968 (CONTINUE WORKING ON THIS) ”
I silence myself clutching the small paper in my hand. The classroom continues to glare at me. I curled my lip and looked at the floor, my hair went over my face.
“Great job Yua.”
Mr.Lopez mumbled. I looked up from the marbled flooring and took a deep breath
“Thank you, sir.”
I say with a voice crack, I swiftly went back to my seat still tightly holding my small page of notes.
I pull up my skirt a little and settled into my plastic-lined chair. I glanced upwards to see a green board covered with white text. It reads ‘Believe you can and you're halfway there -Theodore Roosevelt’
What is that even supposed to mean? I blink a few times dragging myself back to reality. I grip a shriveled-up eraser laying on the edge of my desk. I stare at a small paper in front of me, it lays there blank. I was supposed to fill it out yesterday evening but I was occupied by anxiety of not finishing sed project. I start to fear that I may be killed by my Mom today, she is way too serious about my school life. I spin the eraser between my fingers, I proceed to grab a stubby pencil from my bookbag and hover it over my page.
“Time to turn in your English practice sheet.”
Mr.Lopez said irritably. He starts to pursue around the classroom, I sit here internally puking thinking about how terrible this interaction will be. He grabs each and every paper and checks the pages. I bite my lip as he comes closer and closer to rule-breaker me. I can hear each step he takes loudly in my head getting louder and louder. He stands in front of me
“Yua?” he says quietly.
“Yes sir?” I reply.
“Why is your practice sheet blank?”
I put my hands in my lap and squeeze them together mustering up all of the confidence I have, “I-“ I stop “I didn’t do it, Sir…”. “Sit back down and do it then.” He sounds serious enough on a normal basis but now I think he may just be batman, he is truly a scary man he always talks about how he is “never paid enough.”
I look down and slump into my seat feeling as if I am now going to be remembered as that one classic dramatic girl you met in highschool. Luckily this is my last class of the day and soon I will be home.

The bell chimes signaling that the pain I have to face is over. I throw everything on my desk into my bag quickly and zip it, I practically throw it over my shoulder. I move my legs as fast as I can maneuvering through the crowd of depressed teenagers. I get out through the door and go over to my bus taking a small breather. A small swarm forms behind me. I pay no mind to it and just hobble over, I walk up the stairs and take the 2nd seat I see. Finally… I get to escape this despair. I close my eyes and pretend as if I am anywhere but here. A few stops later I am graced with my house.
“I’m home!”
I yell out. I hear no response from my Mother. I think nothing more of it and gently place my bag on the wood flooring. I wipe my shoes on the doormat in front of me. I put my hand on the rail of the stairway and speed down. My feet feel a burning sensation as they scrabble against the carpet. I take a swift turn to the left and jump down the last few steps. My feet pound on the hardwood, I walk through the common area and grab the doorknob to my room. I swing open the door and sprint to my bed, it was simply calling my name. I jump into my bed with wide open arms.
I don’t even bother to think about dinner or any other responsibilities I may have to do today. I simply want to think about sleep, the glorious feeling of being completely un-responsible for all things happening around you. I sleep for around an hour and 45 minutes when I am awoken by an abrupt noise. My eyes flutter open and I untwist my body pulling the covers off myself. I shimmy across the rug slowly wiping off my eyes and tucking my hair behind my ears. I creak open my door to not only see my own mother standing with a model's posture right in front of me.I yawn.
“Yes?” I say in a questioning tone.
“Where were you? You were supposed to tell me when you were home.”
She sounds stern.
“I yelled out earlier but you didn’t say anything back.”
“You always seem to have an excuse don’t you Yua?”
I squint and furrowed my eyebrows.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I say.
“It means, I know that whenever anything happens you always seem to have some reason that you weren’t the cause.”
she says booming with pent up anger.
“Why do you always make it my fault you’re the one who actually raised me.”
“No, no I always take the blame for whatever stupid things you may have done, I just got a call from Mr. Lopez said that you barely do your work anymore. All you do is make excuses, I always have to take the blame for you, it’s not fair, act more like a 15 year old and not like a 4 year old.”
I clench my lips together and squeeze the door handle.
“I’m not the one who always makes excuses on why Dad’s not here. At least i’m not as idiotic to think that he may come back”
I start to tear up and before she can sputter out a word I slam my door and lock it as quickly as I can.
Catching my breath I start to process what I had just said.
“She was the one who started it, it’s not my fault.”
I release my hand from the knob and walk over to my desk where a small thing of crackers lies. I open the small package and dip the small bread chunks in the peanut butter provided. I spin around in my chair with no worries. I finish off my snack and throw it in the trash beneath me. I slam my foot on the small pedal and the lid flys open revealing a large handful of candy wrappers. I toss the packing away and open my small rose gold computer. For the rest of the night I work on bits of homework and play Valorant.
I wake up in the morning sitting in my chair with a sharp pain in my neck.
“Oh crap.” I mumble
“What time is it?!”
I swing my hand over to my alarm clock and grab it, ‘3:42 A.M’ It reads. And here I was thinking I would be late for school. I hear a growl come from my stomach. I didn’t eat dinner did I? I decided since the likelihood of my Mom being up is not high, I will get a snack. I open my door slowly hoping to not wake my Mother. I tiptoe across the floor and rummage through the fridge looking for something appetizing. I swing my eyes through each corner but nothing looks delectable enough for a 4 AM snack. I open up every drawer and cabinet in the kitchen. Yet I just end up eating a bowl of cereal. I munch on the sweet sensation of cheerios and I hear it, I hear a small crack noise behind me. It’s my Mom. She doesn’t even pay me any mind. She simply walks past me, grabs her bag, and goes upstairs (supposedly to leave.)
We live in a rental home with some friends who live upstairs or in the normal part of a house. While we stay here in the basement. When I was younger I thought we may have been some sort of mole rat species. I hear the clicking of the car headlights and look through the window only to see my Mom inside the car.
“She has to get up this early?” I whisper.
She just has a basic day job so I always thought she got up around 6 or 5:30 not leaving at 4 AM-
“Whatever, more time alone.”
I smirk slightly at the thought of having more time to myself. The time I thought I might spend finishing work or watching shows actually turned into me falling back asleep.
Non-proactive me wakes up with my hair in my bowl of milk. I lift my head and it drips off with a wretched warm feeling.
“Uck, when did I go to bed?” I say disgustedly.
My wet hair goes over my face as I race the drops coming off me to the bathroom. I slid in and decided to wash my hair.
“I need to save time or else I'll be late for work.”
“Well I guess I can shampoo in the sink..”
Before I can think twice I have already swung my head under the faucet drenching myself in the cold waterfall of tap water. I slit my lips and close my eyes. I slowly rub my hands through my hair putting small piles of shampoo in at a time till I felt the crispy hair chunks vanish. I open the cabinet beneath the sink and grab a hand towel. I fling my head upwards Patting myself dry, I take a deep breath and stomp out. I slip into my uniform quickly, I grab my phone off the nightstand and check the time ‘8:09 A.M’ It reads. Well at least I won’t be too late. I pull my purse off the doorknob and throw my phone inside. I sprint up the stairs.
“Is everything alright honey?” My aunties say concerningly.
“Yeah, I just have to go to work.”
I say in a rush.
“Well how are you going to get there?”
“I’m taking a bus there” I utter while pulling on my shoes.
“Oh, no, sweetie the bus is a dangerous place for a fifteen year old.” My auntie Aria exclaims.
Adaline puts her head on Aria’s shoulder
“I very much agree, you are much too young to be riding the bus.”
I roll my eyes.
“I have been riding the bus for weeks, I'm a perfectly fine Aunties.”
I twist my body over to the door. “See you guys this afternoon.” I put my hand on the knob and slowly twist it open to reveal snow. Literal snow. It’s September, and the world has decided to cover my little town in white, fluffy, pain.
My aunts shook their heads in unison. Adaline clicks her tongue
“See Yua now you get why we were so worried.”
This was clearly a spur of the moment response based on her enunciation of ‘See’.
“I am fine. I will just walk there, it can’t be that bad.” I say.
I gravitate my foot towards the door and step on the snow as it slushes and crunches underneath my sneakers. My aunts stand behind me staring as I frantically wiggle around my arms to keep from slipping.
“This is too much!” Aria says in a giggle.
I stop myself in place realizing that this clearly wasn’t going to turn out well. I turn back around and say
“Okay fine.”
“Oh I just knew you would change your mind!” She says.
They slip on their shoes and jackets and walk through the door. Shutting it behind them. I groan slightly and slump over walking to the car.
“Oh shoot!” Aunt Ari says.
“I forgot the keys in the house, I'll be right back!”
She informs us about her forgetfulness much too late since we are already down by the car at the very bottom of the driveway.
“Soooo.. How’s school?” Auntie Ada says to clear the air.
“Um, I guess it’s alright, I mean everything has its pros and c-”
“I need to talk to you about Aria.”
I am mildly shocked that she cut me off but I guess not that shocked.
“Sure. about what specifically though?”
I have zero idea on what may be happening, I always talk to both of them at a time, never just one of them, especially if it includes talking behind someone's back.
“I thought you may be able to guess by how we have been lately.” She says.
“I’m sorry but… Aria said you and your Mother need to move out within the next few weeks.”
“What?! Why??” I say in a muddled tone.
“You both have been living here for over 5 years, Aria never says anything but you two do add stress…”
“Both of you are true wonders and great people but even we want to renovate the basement for our own family and needs. We both can still help you with the costs of a new living space anything you need we can supply.” She continues on.
I may call them both Auntie but we are not related in the slightest no matter how much I wish we were.
“Shouldn’t you be telling my Mom and not me?”
“Yes I know, it’s just your Mother never really talks to us anymore, she is always quite busy with work and of course with you.”
She stops talking and reaches her hand to the sky waving vigorously to aunt Aria as she waddles down the steep pavement hill. I look at my shoes as I wait for her to approach us. I scrape some excess snow off of my boots, staring at the muddy slush coming off.
“Ready to go?”
she says. I choose not to answer based on the pure uncomfort radiating off of me and aunt Adaline, perhaps even melting the snow. Aria scowls slightly at aunt Ada. “Let’s gooo!” she says.
I stuff my hands into my pockets and slide over to the car door. I pull the handle, it’s still not unlocked. I roll my eyes and stare at Ari tapping the keys groaning at its inability to work. She finally clicks it hard enough to where it makes a loud beeping noise. I pull the handle once again and swing it towards me, the cold air blows in my face from the cold white cars overnight ice-bath. I shiver slightly and jump into the
leather chair. I yank down on the weaved seat belt and clip it into place. I close my eyes and lean against the chilly headrest. Even though my eyes may be closed and I am half asleep I can still feel every bump on the road, and every piece of old Mcdonalds trash hitting my feet. We hit a large speed bump and I smack my head against the cold icy window. I yelp and rub my head vigorously,
“Are you okay??”
“Yes, yes, I'm fine, I just dozed off.” I say in a raspy tone.
I take my hand off my head and straighten out the stray hairs. I stretch my arms and stare off into the abyss of falling snow. I discreetly try to over hear their conversation but all I can grasp is slight whispers of aggressive nothings.


















~Chapter 2~

I bring myself to my feet and grab the cold handle, once again my timing is off, I stare up to the front simply to see the ‘Aunt’ Aria slamming the keys against the headboard, quickly the door unlocks and I see her slip a grin before wiping off her face. “What are you doing? Get out of the car.” Addie adds sternly.
I throw my legs through the door grabbing the overhead handle for safety. “Okayy~ I need to go, I'll see you guys later!”
I am about to quietly slam the door but I hear them saying something
“Hey, Yua, so...”
I expect her to mention the uncomfortable conversation prior to getting in the car, but no.
“When do we need to pick you up?”
I slit my eyes.
“It doesn’t matter just somewhere around 12pm.”
Aria nods her head, I suppose this is the time to close the door before I get dragged into a long talk. Almost like an instinct I fling my hand and close it. Not a word all they do is drive away, not even a wave. I give up on my rather idiotic disapoinment and attempt to shimmy into the doorway with out getting a fatal injury. I turn the cold round knob and get a burst of warmth and the smell of coffee roasting coffee beans.
“I didn’t think you would show!”
“Yeah well it’s not like I wanted to.” A smile slides across his face leaving small dimples in his tan cheeks.
“So, Varun, when did you get here? You are usually here later than me.”
“Don’t you remember? I live in an apartment building two blocks away. All I had to do was put on some boots.”
“That’s truly quite lucky, I had to drive here with my aunts.”
I drop my smile and stare at the floor. I can sense him glancing over at me.
“Is everything okay?” I practically pull up my hair to get my eyes off the ground. “Of course I am!” I throw on a smile, and he stares at me with no belief in what I had just said.
I take my bag off my shoulder and put it onto the hook of the coat hanger and grab my coat behind my back and try to get it off. “Here let me help.” He comes over to me brushing his hands off on his stain covered apron. He comes behind me and grabs one of my hands and pulls one of the sleeves off. In a spur of embarrassment I yell. “I can do it myself!” He puts up his hands and sighs. “Okay.” I yank the other arm down and wipe my shoes on the conveniently placed mat. I daintily walk over to the small baked-goods section where he is re-stocking glazed scones.
“Sorry for yelling at you…”
He looks up from the donuts.
“Oh… It’s fine.”
There is no way he will end it here.
“It’s just that I feel as though I should be repaid with one of these fresh donuts using someone else's money.”
Told you.
“You have the employee discount too! Can’t you just use that?!”
He aggressively sighs after my statement.
“But that wouldn’t make up for my poor heart being shattered.”
I grunt at him.
“Fine, how much are they?”
“6 dollars.”
I try to keep my cool for having to waste practically an hour's wage on some mediocre donut that I can’t even eat. I walk back over to my bag and get my small coin purse out. I pull out the 6 dollars.
“Just take it.”
I project my hand to him.
“Did you forget tax?”
“I will punch you if you don’t take it”
He is clearly shocked by my aggressive remark.

Advice anyone?

8 months ago
Yeah so it ruined it again, I hope it's still better though.

Advice anyone?

8 months ago
~Chapter 1~ “First love is simple for my Grandparents, this is simply because they were each others so they only had one. They both met in London at the ripe age of 23 and got married a few months later. Sometime 1968 (CONTINUE WORKING ON THIS) ” I silence myself clutching the small paper in my hand. The classroom continues to glare at me. I curled my lip and looked at the floor, my hair went over my face. “Great job Yua.” Mr.Lopez mumbled. I looked up from the marbled flooring and took a deep breath “Thank you, sir.” I say with a voice crack, I swiftly went back to my seat still tightly holding my small page of notes. I pull up my skirt a little and settled into my plastic-lined chair. I glanced upwards to see a green board covered with white text. It reads ‘Believe you can and you're halfway there -Theodore Roosevelt’ What is that even supposed to mean? I blink a few times dragging myself back to reality. I grip a shriveled-up eraser laying on the edge of my desk. I stare at a small paper in front of me, it lays there blank. I was supposed to fill it out yesterday evening but I was occupied by anxiety of not finishing sed project. I start to fear that I may be killed by my Mom today, she is way too serious about my school life. I spin the eraser between my fingers, I proceed to grab a stubby pencil from my bookbag and hover it over my page. “Time to turn in your English practice sheet.” Mr.Lopez said irritably. He starts to pursue around the classroom, I sit here internally puking thinking about how terrible this interaction will be. He grabs each and every paper and checks the pages. I bite my lip as he comes closer and closer to rule-breaker me. I can hear each step he takes loudly in my head getting louder and louder. He stands in front of me “Yua?” he says quietly. “Yes sir?” I reply. “Why is your practice sheet blank?” I put my hands in my lap and squeeze them together mustering up all of the confidence I have, “I-“ I stop “I didn’t do it, Sir…”. “Sit back down and do it then.” He sounds serious enough on a normal basis but now I think he may just be batman, he is truly a scary man he always talks about how he is “never paid enough.” I look down and slump into my seat feeling as if I am now going to be remembered as that one classic dramatic girl you met in highschool. Luckily this is my last class of the day and soon I will be home. The bell chimes signaling that the pain I have to face is over. I throw everything on my desk into my bag quickly and zip it, I practically throw it over my shoulder. I move my legs as fast as I can maneuvering through the crowd of depressed teenagers. I get out through the door and go over to my bus taking a small breather. A small swarm forms behind me. I pay no mind to it and just hobble over, I walk up the stairs and take the 2nd seat I see. Finally… I get to escape this despair. I close my eyes and pretend as if I am anywhere but here. A few stops later I am graced with my house. “I’m home!” I yell out. I hear no response from my Mother. I think nothing more of it and gently place my bag on the wood flooring. I wipe my shoes on the doormat in front of me. I put my hand on the rail of the stairway and speed down. My feet feel a burning sensation as they scrabble against the carpet. I take a swift turn to the left and jump down the last few steps. My feet pound on the hardwood, I walk through the common area and grab the doorknob to my room. I swing open the door and sprint to my bed, it was simply calling my name. I jump into my bed with wide open arms. I don’t even bother to think about dinner or any other responsibilities I may have to do today. I simply want to think about sleep, the glorious feeling of being completely un-responsible for all things happening around you. I sleep for around an hour and 45 minutes when I am awoken by an abrupt noise. My eyes flutter open and I untwist my body pulling the covers off myself. I shimmy across the rug slowly wiping off my eyes and tucking my hair behind my ears. I creak open my door to not only see my own mother standing with a model's posture right in front of me.I yawn. “Yes?” I say in a questioning tone. “Where were you? You were supposed to tell me when you were home.” She sounds stern. “I yelled out earlier but you didn’t say anything back.” “You always seem to have an excuse don’t you Yua?” I squint and furrowed my eyebrows. “What is that supposed to mean?” I say. “It means, I know that whenever anything happens you always seem to have some reason that you weren’t the cause.” she says booming with pent up anger. “Why do you always make it my fault you’re the one who actually raised me.” “No, no I always take the blame for whatever stupid things you may have done, I just got a call from Mr. Lopez said that you barely do your work anymore. All you do is make excuses, I always have to take the blame for you, it’s not fair, act more like a 15 year old and not like a 4 year old.” I clench my lips together and squeeze the door handle. “I’m not the one who always makes excuses on why Dad’s not here. At least i’m not as idiotic to think that he may come back” I start to tear up and before she can sputter out a word I slam my door and lock it as quickly as I can. Catching my breath I start to process what I had just said. “She was the one who started it, it’s not my fault.” I release my hand from the knob and walk over to my desk where a small thing of crackers lies. I open the small package and dip the small bread chunks in the peanut butter provided. I spin around in my chair with no worries. I finish off my snack and throw it in the trash beneath me. I slam my foot on the small pedal and the lid flys open revealing a large handful of candy wrappers. I toss the packing away and open my small rose gold computer. For the rest of the night I work on bits of homework and play Valorant. I wake up in the morning sitting in my chair with a sharp pain in my neck. “Oh crap.” I mumble “What time is it?!” I swing my hand over to my alarm clock and grab it, ‘3:42 A.M’ It reads. And here I was thinking I would be late for school. I hear a growl come from my stomach. I didn’t eat dinner did I? I decided since the likelihood of my Mom being up is not high, I will get a snack. I open my door slowly hoping to not wake my Mother. I tiptoe across the floor and rummage through the fridge looking for something appetizing. I swing my eyes through each corner but nothing looks delectable enough for a 4 AM snack. I open up every drawer and cabinet in the kitchen. Yet I just end up eating a bowl of cereal. I munch on the sweet sensation of cheerios and I hear it, I hear a small crack noise behind me. It’s my Mom. She doesn’t even pay me any mind. She simply walks past me, grabs her bag, and goes upstairs (supposedly to leave.) We live in a rental home with some friends who live upstairs or in the normal part of a house. While we stay here in the basement. When I was younger I thought we may have been some sort of mole rat species. I hear the clicking of the car headlights and look through the window only to see my Mom inside the car. “She has to get up this early?” I whisper. She just has a basic day job so I always thought she got up around 6 or 5:30 not leaving at 4 AM- “Whatever, more time alone.” I smirk slightly at the thought of having more time to myself. The time I thought I might spend finishing work or watching shows actually turned into me falling back asleep. Non-proactive me wakes up with my hair in my bowl of milk. I lift my head and it drips off with a wretched warm feeling. “Uck, when did I go to bed?” I say disgustedly. My wet hair goes over my face as I race the drops coming off me to the bathroom. I slid in and decided to wash my hair. “I need to save time or else I'll be late for work.” “Well I guess I can shampoo in the sink..” Before I can think twice I have already swung my head under the faucet drenching myself in the cold waterfall of tap water. I slit my lips and close my eyes. I slowly rub my hands through my hair putting small piles of shampoo in at a time till I felt the crispy hair chunks vanish. I open the cabinet beneath the sink and grab a hand towel. I fling my head upwards Patting myself dry, I take a deep breath and stomp out. I slip into my uniform quickly, I grab my phone off the nightstand and check the time ‘8:09 A.M’ It reads. Well at least I won’t be too late. I pull my purse off the doorknob and throw my phone inside. I sprint up the stairs. “Is everything alright honey?” My aunties say concerningly. “Yeah, I just have to go to work.” I say in a rush. “Well how are you going to get there?” “I’m taking a bus there” I utter while pulling on my shoes. “Oh, no, sweetie the bus is a dangerous place for a fifteen year old.” My auntie Aria exclaims. Adaline puts her head on Aria’s shoulder “I very much agree, you are much too young to be riding the bus.” I roll my eyes. “I have been riding the bus for weeks, I'm a perfectly fine Aunties.” I twist my body over to the door. “See you guys this afternoon.” I put my hand on the knob and slowly twist it open to reveal snow. Literal snow. It’s September, and the world has decided to cover my little town in white, fluffy, pain. My aunts shook their heads in unison. Adaline clicks her tongue “See Yua now you get why we were so worried.” This was clearly a spur of the moment response based on her enunciation of ‘See’. “I am fine. I will just walk there, it can’t be that bad.” I say. I gravitate my foot towards the door and step on the snow as it slushes and crunches underneath my sneakers. My aunts stand behind me staring as I frantically wiggle around my arms to keep from slipping. “This is too much!” Aria says in a giggle. I stop myself in place realizing that this clearly wasn’t going to turn out well. I turn back around and say “Okay fine.” “Oh I just knew you would change your mind!” She says. They slip on their shoes and jackets and walk through the door. Shutting it behind them. I groan slightly and slump over walking to the car. “Oh shoot!” Aunt Ari says. “I forgot the keys in the house, I'll be right back!” She informs us about her forgetfulness much too late since we are already down by the car at the very bottom of the driveway. “Soooo.. How’s school?” Auntie Ada says to clear the air. “Um, I guess it’s alright, I mean everything has its pros and c-” “I need to talk to you about Aria.” I am mildly shocked that she cut me off but I guess not that shocked. “Sure. about what specifically though?” I have zero idea on what may be happening, I always talk to both of them at a time, never just one of them, especially if it includes talking behind someone's back. “I thought you may be able to guess by how we have been lately.” She says. “I’m sorry but… Aria said you and your Mother need to move out within the next few weeks.” “What?! Why??” I say in a muddled tone. “You both have been living here for over 5 years, Aria never says anything but you two do add stress…” “Both of you are true wonders and great people but even we want to renovate the basement for our own family and needs. We both can still help you with the costs of a new living space anything you need we can supply.” She continues on. I may call them both Auntie but we are not related in the slightest no matter how much I wish we were. “Shouldn’t you be telling my Mom and not me?” “Yes I know, it’s just your Mother never really talks to us anymore, she is always quite busy with work and of course with you.” She stops talking and reaches her hand to the sky waving vigorously to aunt Aria as she waddles down the steep pavement hill. I look at my shoes as I wait for her to approach us. I scrape some excess snow off of my boots, staring at the muddy slush coming off. “Ready to go?” she says. I choose not to answer based on the pure uncomfort radiating off of me and aunt Adaline, perhaps even melting the snow. Aria scowls slightly at aunt Ada. “Let’s gooo!” she says. I stuff my hands into my pockets and slide over to the car door. I pull the handle, it’s still not unlocked. I roll my eyes and stare at Ari tapping the keys groaning at its inability to work. She finally clicks it hard enough to where it makes a loud beeping noise. I pull the handle once again and swing it towards me, the cold air blows in my face from the cold white cars overnight ice-bath. I shiver slightly and jump into the leather chair. I yank down on the weaved seat belt and clip it into place. I close my eyes and lean against the chilly headrest. Even though my eyes may be closed and I am half asleep I can still feel every bump on the road, and every piece of old Mcdonalds trash hitting my feet. We hit a large speed bump and I smack my head against the cold icy window. I yelp and rub my head vigorously, “Are you okay??” “Yes, yes, I'm fine, I just dozed off.” I say in a raspy tone. I take my hand off my head and straighten out the stray hairs. I stretch my arms and stare off into the abyss of falling snow. I discreetly try to over hear their conversation but all I can grasp is slight whispers of aggressive nothings. ~Chapter 2~ I bring myself to my feet and grab the cold handle, once again my timing is off, I stare up to the front simply to see the ‘Aunt’ Aria slamming the keys against the headboard, quickly the door unlocks and I see her slip a grin before wiping off her face. “What are you doing? Get out of the car.” Addie adds sternly. I throw my legs through the door grabbing the overhead handle for safety. “Okayy~ I need to go, I'll see you guys later!” I am about to quietly slam the door but I hear them saying something “Hey, Yua, so...” I expect her to mention the uncomfortable conversation prior to getting in the car, but no. “When do we need to pick you up?” I slit my eyes. “It doesn’t matter just somewhere around 12pm.” Aria nods her head, I suppose this is the time to close the door before I get dragged into a long talk. Almost like an instinct I fling my hand and close it. Not a word all they do is drive away, not even a wave. I give up on my rather idiotic disapoinment and attempt to shimmy into the doorway with out getting a fatal injury. I turn the cold round knob and get a burst of warmth and the smell of coffee roasting coffee beans. “I didn’t think you would show!” “Yeah well it’s not like I wanted to.” A smile slides across his face leaving small dimples in his tan cheeks. “So, Varun, when did you get here? You are usually here later than me.” “Don’t you remember? I live in an apartment building two blocks away. All I had to do was put on some boots.” “That’s truly quite lucky, I had to drive here with my aunts.” I drop my smile and stare at the floor. I can sense him glancing over at me. “Is everything okay?” I practically pull up my hair to get my eyes off the ground. “Of course I am!” I throw on a smile, and he stares at me with no belief in what I had just said. I take my bag off my shoulder and put it onto the hook of the coat hanger and grab my coat behind my back and try to get it off. “Here let me help.” He comes over to me brushing his hands off on his stain covered apron. He comes behind me and grabs one of my hands and pulls one of the sleeves off. In a spur of embarrassment I yell. “I can do it myself!” He puts up his hands and sighs. “Okay.” I yank the other arm down and wipe my shoes on the conveniently placed mat. I daintily walk over to the small baked-goods section where he is re-stocking glazed scones. “Sorry for yelling at you…” He looks up from the donuts. “Oh… It’s fine.” There is no way he will end it here. “It’s just that I feel as though I should be repaid with one of these fresh donuts using someone else's money.” Told you. “You have the employee discount too! Can’t you just use that?!” He aggressively sighs after my statement. “But that wouldn’t make up for my poor heart being shattered.” I grunt at him. “Fine, how much are they?” “6 dollars.” I try to keep my cool for having to waste practically an hour's wage on some mediocre donut that I can’t even eat. I walk back over to my bag and get my small coin purse out. I pull out the 6 dollars. “Just take it.” I project my hand to him. “Did you forget tax?” “I will punch you if you don’t take it” He is clearly shocked by my aggressive remark.

Advice anyone?

8 months ago
I think the story is really good, but the word choice, grammar, and how the dialogue was written could be better.
That is something you should work on :)