Axxius, The Wordsmith
Hey! You! Don't click away! I wrote a story game so go check it out and give me feedback. :D
A seemingly hopeless winter falls on you and your regiment as you lie in wait at Valley Forge. You are tired, your shoes are nearly worn and the smell of death and disease lays heavy on the camp. Rumor has it Washington is planning something before year's end. Personally, you think he's going to surrender. Only one way to find out. You trudge through the peppermint-colored snow around the doctor's tents as you make your way to the officers' cabins.
In this story, you step into the role of a soldier in the American Revolution at one of the key turning points in the war as you participate in the battle of Trenton and witness the events firsthand.
Entry for Mizal's 2020 Jungle Contest.
You are Stor Pendelhaven. a Half-Orc boy who has a natural prowess in the arcane arts. Your parents have enrolled you in the Lynalia Academy. A magic school created under the joint effort of the Factions to promote unity and prosperity. What path will you take in this compelling adventure?
Recent PostsThrough the Passages of Madness on 1/18/2022 11:26:23 PM
Day 15: I think I'm going to take a little break. No I haven't gone insane. I merely want to focus on some other things for a few days before hopping back on the dumpster wagon
Anyways on to the reviews.
So the first one Crazy Kidnapper, just seemed like a horribly botched PSA for kids to hey use common sense! Don't eat raw eggs and don't make faces at creepy guys with bad dental hygiene. Once again not a lot of length or freaking branching and both of these stories were attempting humor and backfired. You can't make kidnapping a funny concept. Just accept it. This story only had two good endings where you survive otherwise you die. This one at least the author was receptive to reader feedback and edited it at certain points.
My main issue with Crazy Kidnapper was there just wasn't much of a story it kind of felt like random chance from what each ending got me. A storygame where your choices matter I mean it's literally on the website cover is what gets a higher rating. Choices that are random outcomes like oh you died from running or eating raw eggs is not good writing I'm sorry. I certainly hope you can learn to improve upon this since it was more recent. (3/8)
A Man to the Slaughter was just the most random story I've read yet. Why? Why make my items useless and make me die to cows in every outcome except the one where I team up with them? It ruins the experience because from the first page we are told the cows are the enemies since they wield a bunch of axes and start murdering and eating people. Why? Just freaking make sense. It's not hard.
The problem with this story is it's not fun and the author's lack effort was obvious in parts. The stupid kill yourself options should not have been there. If I want to quit your dumb game then I'll leave without your assistance. There's not much point to this game. The plot was random and there was not branching or helpful items in the slightest.
A lot of the stories questions are unanswered like why are cows eating people? Why does the FBI suck at killing cows? I mean I know the FBI sucks at cover-ups but come one what are a few herbivores going to do to them? This game is not funny it's infuriating and not clever in the slightest. This is the perfect example of an idea being horribly executed and the result is a goopy game that does not hold up to stuff.
Like I said in my comment original does not equal good. You can have the most original creative idea ever and it can still end up being total garbage. Originality doesn't make a good story. It is the skill of the writer that makes a story good. You could write about the most unoriginal thing like a zombie outbreak and if the writer made a compelling narrative it would still be better than the cows getting revenge on humans story that this was. (2/8)
Through the Passages of Madness on 1/17/2022 10:04:21 PM
Day 14: Quick! Someone change the name of this thread to something funny before I go insane! Humor is the only thing keeping the voices out!
Alright two more reviews let's do it yay. I'm not happy the yay was meant to be sarcastic.
Algebra game was an algebra quiz that was rather boring but also accomplished the goal the author set out to do so there's really nothing else left for me to say about the game other than it was fine. (3/8)
Betrayer was ok I suppose. The whole addiction as a relationship thing has potential but naturally the author slipped into the pitfalls that most of these low rated storygames fall into which is that it lacked branching and length. If you want a compelling plot make it worth my read it's not that hard. Also if your game is going to be a metaphor don't foreshadow it on the explanation page just do it. Also the stories where it's all a dream or all a metaphor only really works if you are a skilled writer or if the story is a poem. Otherwise it can be annoying to readers if you try something like that and don't execute it well. (3/8)
Through the Passages of Madness on 1/16/2022 10:13:00 PM
Day 13: So it snowed today here in the south so naturally of course some idiots started driving snowmobiles down the highway and ran a Toyota Prius off the road while I was driving today. I couldn't decide who was dumber for driving in the slick snow on the highway but it was pretty funny to watch.
Anyways onto the reviews.
The Life story number one: preschool was a nice little game about a kid going to preschool and I liked the writing and story. It just needed more branching and length. I feel like a broken record every time I say that but it's like the main thing that will get most of these authors a higher rating on the site. That and good quality writing but the quality of Thai story was surprisingly good and I feel it deserves to be rated higher.
The other story I reviewed on the other hand does not deserve to be rated where it is and should be rated lower for me having to read it. The have nothing left to say after reading the matching chapter one because I don't want to give this story any more recognition than it deserves so I'll let my comment on it just speak for itself.
Ok first off I know you don’t own shadowhunters or whatever cringe fan fiction this is based on. Second I hope to god you don’t own me that’s illegal like this story should be.
I’ve never watched the shadowhunters show and was not properly introduced to this random ending. I did not like the brevity of it nor did I like the change of character POV from your character to jace in such a short span.
That might work in an actual novel but this a freaking short storygame and it looks badly done. Also a lot of your dialogue was just describing what was happening don’t show me tell me what’s happening from the character’s perspective! This is ridiculous!
Also why am I invested in your nickname? Just say you is it that hard?!? Don’t put your nickname for the freaking character you play as. Who is jace? Why should I care that he banged you then left and now your character is sad?
What is the main threat? There is no conflict, no heroes journey, and no nothing. Just some cringe romances that haven’t had time to properly develop. If you have a romance fan fiction go submit it somewhere else!
Don’t try to sell me on the idea that this is an actual story. It needs work and there are some many gaps in logic and I have to look up crap from the show to find out why I should care about this terrible fan fiction.
Why is this rated above a 3? I have no love for this terrible, terrible story with little branching plot and no general coherency included born out of some cringe tumblr post. 1/8 send it forth into the flaming abyss.
Through the Passages of Madness on 1/15/2022 11:33:00 PM
Day 12: I actually enjoyed both stories for once.
Now don't get me wrong they weren't knock it our of the park storygames by any stretch of the imagination but the writing was good and both authors put a fair amount of effort into it. The main thing that was lacking from both of them was length and branching.
Flight of the boobook owl's author did some research on the owl itself before they wrote this which I thought was cool and deserved a higher rating as a result. I'm afraid the story can be a little dull at times since you are just trying to survive as an owl and the choices aren't really hinted at. I do appreciate the effort the author put into this and I liked the story overall as a whole. (4/8)
Insane asylum 2 had better dialogue than the first one I reviewed but it lacked different endings. I felt like the limitation of choices I had hammered my overall experience even though I licked the concept and the characters. It mainly just needed some work on offering more choices and provinding more character development I felt like the ending was rushed and I wanted to enjoy more escaping the asylum antics. (3/8)
Ebon’s duels (welcome to the Agreena): on 1/15/2022 12:27:54 AM
Aha you fools! I shall enter the fray just to throw a little more mayhem into the mix. That and I love me a good bandwagon so I'd hate to miss out on something interesting.
Through the Passages of Madness on 1/15/2022 12:00:01 AM
Aha! You fools! You fell for my master plan and now I no longer have to review these terrible storygames. Shameless self promotion for the win!
But since I'm such a glutton for punishment I'm going to continue on with my quest to give each of these stories their due diligence even if the effort the authors put into them is minimal. It shall help me learn how not to write a low quality story as I continue down the path of mettle.
Day 11: I don't think I've gone insane yet though if I were insane would I know it?
So two more storygames down for the count. We had the Dog Life story which was pretty much all about cute dogs which is the main thing it had going for it. If it had cute pictures to accompany the dogs then I would have been more gracious but since it's not very long and the plot is pretty one dimensional I was disappointed.
Also the whole dog perspective is just kind of done a lot so if it had been a more interesting story with branching then just dogs being dogs it would have gotten a higher rating. (3/8)
Epic adventure of Epicness by cumminma was just random and dumb but slightly amusing now that I reflect on it. Honestly the title and username just sound like someone whose overcompensating for the lameness of their story and other things. I just didn't find a lot of the things in the story to be funny which I think was the authors attempts since the plot is vague and the branching is limited.
In fact a lot of things were limited such as the choices and plot details and that's the main thing that drug down this games rating along with trying too hard to be funny. Other than that it was fine it was just rather boring to read through and rating probably would have been lower if it wasn't short. (3/8)
Through the Passages of Madness on 1/13/2022 9:43:49 PM
Day 10: I can't believe I'm only 20 stories in. Man, I have a ways to go.
So both of these stories were relatively short once again though I enjoyed one more than the other because it had items and a ten-year-old wrote it therefore I'm impressed they thought of that.
Raceia could have had more to the plot than there was about why the treasure was there and your character's motivations to get it but none of this was present. Therefore, the story felt more like a puzzle than actual fantasy. Also, there was pretty much only one good ending which was finding the treasure obviously and the others ended with somewhat amusing deaths though most of them were a variation of falling to your death. Other than that it was pretty entertaining though I wish it had been longer since it was genuinely interesting and I hope the author makes a sequel. :D (4/8)
Bounty Hunter was just kinda boring. I mean the description and the plot weren't there. The Ulga's were never explained. Your character is never fleshed out. It just had a few choices and then poof it was the end. Sure there were two branching paths but my only reward at the end is my boss pays me. Ok? Anything else? I found myself disappointed that a perfectly good idea for an adventure game such as this was wasted. Though I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised. (2.9/8)
Honestly, these stories are starting to get better. If they continue to steadily increase in quality I think I should manage to keep my wits about me. Though I guess I shouldn't be too confident I don't know what other stories lie ahead that could be equally as terrible as some of the ones I've read.
Through the Passages of Madness on 1/12/2022 7:35:13 PM
I'm not reading whatever that thing is until I finish the storygames rated below a four. Anime fan fiction is so cringy but at least it's not as bad as Harry Potter fan fiction.
Day 9: After reading some good fiction my mind is prepared to dive back into the pit of despair.
The only saving grace that these stories have is they are thankfully short sparing my mind the whiplash that reading something as repetitive as Beware/Escape the Grue or whatever it was called was. The story played out more like a game with you avoiding the Grue with no apparent escape since I couldn't find an ending where I didn't get eaten.
Also, it was just kind of random and short which isn't going to give it a particularly high rating. Also, this was fan fiction and I have never heard of a Grue before so I dunno what this is based on. This story just confused me. (2/8)
Die Untoten Kapitel 1 was a story written in German that I found interesting that could have expanded more but it started on a good concept. The zombie virus outbreak with you escaping was an interesting concept that just wasn't fleshed out enough to make it into an actual story and the foreign language it was written in also contributed to a low rating but I felt it was fine. (4/8)
Through the Passages of Madness on 1/11/2022 10:18:41 PM
Day 8: That feeling when you've hit the snooze button as many times as you can before you know you have to get up and go to work even though your bed is much warmer than the freezing cold air in your room.
You know the drill.
Friend zone was boring because it lacked character development and length/branching. There was also the fact that you have a bunch of blinking signs that say your relationship with Daniel is unhealthy and you need to bail. Honestly even though this game is about escaping the friend zone I looked for the endings that you escaped Daniel and his stupid crush on Mary your best friend he was smooching on.
Tikal warrior could have been an interesting story had it been longer and not soured like reading a history textbook. Not a lot of people do history in the Mayans so this was a missed opportunity and the story definitely could have been longer. Other than that both stories were grammatically fine they just lacked interesting plot engagement, character development, length/branching, among other things that would have gotten a higher rating.
Anyways that's all I got for now, so see you until next time.
Through the Passages of Madness on 1/10/2022 7:51:56 PM
Day 7: I don't have a creative title for this one.
So next two reviews done. Here's a general summary of them. The Animal is the most confusing story I've read this far. It would have made more sense if it was an Alice in wonderland pulp detective story but no it was one dimensional and a short boring mystery that was easy to solve. It lacked branching and plot depth. (2/8)
Blood and Time had an interesting story but I was lost in the details since I've never played dragon age before and the story didn't properly introduce the world and characters in an understanding way. Also there was a lack of branching which has been the recurring theme with a lot of these stories. If there had been better attention to detail and a longer narrative this story would probably have a higher rating. (3/8)
I think it's going to be a while before I reach some of the higher low rated ones so I might decide to go out of order occasionally so I don't get burned out on the especially low rated stories.