A Mage's Mission

Thank you for the honest comments.

Interesting little story here with an imaginative setting. Some details of it could be fleshed out and explained more, but there wasn't anything too difficult to pick up on through context.

Could use a more thorough proofreading, I spotted several capitalization errors even on the first page, and some places were just grammatically...odd. There were phrases such as 'You look and see a kingdom' sprinkled around that made me suspect the author didn't quite know what some of the words they were using meant.

The story could have been longer, but clicking on most of the choices did lead to something interesting. My main complaint would be that as much as the characters are presented as being not only powerful, but 'the most powerful ever', nothing is really done with that and the actual mission they go on is kind of pedestrian and dull, ending with them trashing the place they were supposed to save for giggles.

The interaction between the two main characters was cute in places and I could see this being turned into a little series, though a longer game with better proofreading and editing and a choice of different missions would be ideal.

If this is a reflection of your novel, you may want to invest some more time into editing. You consistently forget to capitalize "I" among other things.

The plot was a bit cliche, but I like how you threw in a few things that set it apart. You don't see much interplanetary travel in fantasy.

As a CYOA, it could use some work. Some spots kill you off rather randomly and don't even give you a good death scene, just a one paragraph blurb going, "yeah, you died."

This piece could have been fleshed out more. I would have liked to learn more about the powers that be and the workings of this universe. But I did like your writing for the most part, and I'm interested in seeing more stories from you in the future.