Blackbirds Close In

This storygame tries to be a poetic dark and shocking narrative, but it lacks the depth to carry it out properly.

The idea has potential, and could have been good if decent effort was put into it. Even though the story starts with a horrific crime and a criminal that enjoys it, this narrative can't hold the mood, even as short as it is.

It would have been much better if the story stayed with dark imagery and poetic language, but this was broken by bad grammar and phrases. In the middle of what is supposed to be some dark emo poetry, the police "search every nook and cranny" - I mean, really. That line just lost the whole thing for me.

Overall, this game is good for a laugh or two at the ridiculous attempt to be deep and brooding.

Heavy stuff. Then again, what else would I expect from an LP fan? Despite everything, this was fairly decently written and certainly reflects your edgy, oppressed soul. Onto my favourite part: criticism.

This severely lacks depth and I don't know who the main character is or what the story is behind the girl. Sure, maybe you wanted an air of mystery, but this is really more like a hastily written segment of something bigger than a story in itself.

The options given were oddly presented, though I didn't particularly mind that. A big problem with how you laid them out, though, is that they obviously give direct insight into consequences of the player's choices... because you just tell them what's going to happen. Maybe you wanted that; it's not like the story was anywhere near long enough to really invest the reader or make them consider their actions carefully to discern the outcome seeing as the MC basically has no boundaries. Still, it gives a kind of uncaring feeling about the MC, which is probably what you were going for, even though it does compromise tense and perspective integrity.

The length is an obvious fault. I'll put this into perspective for you; my Notepad has 2387 words, and that's the main of of five total collections of notes for the one story I'm working on. Your story is about a third of that, making it one of the smallest I've ever seen. I didn't really see the point in writing such a short story that's basically about one event in a sick freak's life, unless you were going for a nihilistic message. Even then, a few more thousand words, more options, and some more effort could make a much better 'Oh-God-Isn't-The-World-Miserable-We're-All-Going-To-Die' kind of story.

To emphasise how little effort you put in, I even found mistakes in a story that would take about 10 minutes to proof-read. A few samples:

- "Bullets pierce through the rustling wind, each missing it target."

- "All you want is money, and pain in other's eye."

Some of the endings lacked significantly in detail or depth. For example:

- "Little do you know what fate has in store for you..." Yeah. You're dead on there, because the story ends and I don't get to find out. I feel like this was meant to be expanded upon.

Overall, a well deserved 2/8; you wanted constructive criticism.

I enjoyed myself. I'm actually surprised I did.

The writing was quite bloody and gruesome, but it didn't go way goo far over the line. You fleshed out the writing quite well with the detail and situations you provided.

I was a bit confused, because I got to make decisions for more then one character and decide situations rather then make choices in the storygame. However, I don't think this would really qualify as a problem :)

Character development was actually pretty average, but that's actually pretty good compared to the hundreds of storygames on the site with little to no development for the plot, characters, or situations.

I didn't really understand the whole "blackbirds" thing, though.

This was also quite short, and I wish i'd gotten to play more because I enjoyed it.

4/8.

WORST STORY I HAVE EVE HEARD

Uhhh.... and I thought my stories were dark.

Only 4 Endings

This was defedently an interesting game I think.

wow. such dark stuff. I'm surprised you could fit such dark shit into such a short Storygame and still have it look unrushed.

General Recommendation: I don’t recommend this game. It’s going for a very specific tone, but doesn’t have the length or dedication to its concept to adequately pull it off.
Preview: After committing a crime, will you escape or receive your comeuppance?

=SPOILERS BELOW=

General notes:
If you’re going to write a game like this and pull it off with the right amount of poeticism and craft, it needs to be longer and more in-depth. At this game’s current length, the premise just comes across as shallow and gratuitous.
Love SICK has a very similar concept and handles it much better; albiet with a humorous tone rather than the serious flavor this game is going for. It pulls this off by exploring the concept in a wider variety of ways, and being long enough to supply the reader with background information and character development beyond the bare minimum. This game is just too short to go into any kind of meaningful detail that would be needed to pull off its concept.
As things currently stand, the game just feels pointlessly edgy. Without any plot or character details, the plot essentially amounts to “You did this horrible thing and died, or maybe you didn’t, who knows”. Okay, this happened. So what? Why, as a reader, should I care?

Grammar:
Not great, there are numerous typos and sentence structure issues. “You cripple on the damp floor”, did you mean crumple?
Mastery of Language:
Could be worse. The poor grammer takes away from it, but there are glimpses of real linguistic cleverness between the typos.

Player Options/fair choice:
The choices you make have nothing to do with the narrator’s actions, you instead control events determined by other characters. I actually think this aspect of the game works well with the tone it’s going for, it emphasizes the randomness and lack of control the narrator has, while allowing aa wider variety of paths to be explored.

CONCLUSION: 2/8. It would need to be seriously revised to pull off its premise.

A bit early for End's Edgelord Contest...a few years too early.