The Martian Rebellion

Nice

You've got a pretty good idea going on, something like a scifi adaptation of the movie split combined with interplanetary warfare and marvel superpowers. I'd even say it's just too much, especially at the moment.

Because there's just so much going on that you're going from plotbeat to plotbeat without giving us as the reader space to move in your world. Apparently there are dozens to hundreds of personalities just within our own head, but aside from Samson who isn't a snarky, fluffy talking dog, the sniper girl and the snake eye, we don't know any of them. Of those three that are mentioned we have barely the minimum of thought and motive that make a character. The other people seem just cardboards that serve only as plotmovers or meatshields to showcase our awesome powers.

Really, if you want to tell a story I'd recommend choosing between all these ideas and unique settings, because at the moment there's no clear central skeleton holding it all together and I can't see how adding another 20k to the wordcount would fix it.

“What a disappointing end for Maelstrom, it's almost like the author was in a hurry!”
That made me laugh. I hope you do update this story once the contest has been judged, because at the moment it’s very linear with not that many choices. Good start though! 4/8.

Also, I didn’t rate you down for this, but the maturity level should be higher than 3/8 since there’s swearing.

Just very briefly:

Your writing has improved a lot since your previous game, and there are genuinely some pretty cool ideas in this. The flaws all seem the result of needing to rush something out for the deadline, and this ultimately really does feel like only a fragment of a story, although one I'd like to read the rest of. But for now I'm just going to hold off on the real review until I can see the completed version.

Very cool premise. I was engaged with the story. It seems to end just as it's picking up though. I would gladly read the full version once it's published.

Good for what of it there is. And it's not wholly completed yet? Would love to see the full concept of this story-game realized. I like the alien feeling aspect that's prevalent here. The writing is also tries and does well in facilitating a unique tone. The concept of basically being more than one person inhabiting a shared body? I think there's something here that can make for a truly memorable experience.

I look forward to returning to this when it apparently gets its post-contest update.