Through The Dragon Lair

How "How to Train Your Dragon" should have started.

Also, Red-Pink fire? You could call it Amaranth if you wanted to sound a little more fantasy realm like.

The story was too short. There were some spelling and grammar errors. Would have liked some more explanation as to what motivates the main character. Some things didn't make sense like first off he sneaks out of the house to go off on his own to try and save his community then ends up the community is glad they chose him to be the one to save them? was that a dig on how politicians sometimes take the credit for themselves?
All in all I enjoyed it, just wish there was more of it.

Yeah, um. This is the best of that random group of awful storygames I heard about right? This is actually decent. Though short, the story at least had some sort of basic plot structure, paragraph structure, and acceptable grammar. The idea is pretty cliche, but a lot of things are when it comes to supposedly younger writers.

I'm not sure about this, but is this the only storygame out of the mass publications that had pictures? My comment is good job on bothering to find out how to get the pictures.

Write more, develop the plot, and tweak some grammar/structure here and there and you'll get a great piece.

There are some issues here with grammar and the like, but you have a great imagination and should be proud of being better than all your peers. I hope you keep writing and practicing.

You should also tell your teacher that she's retarded for opening your classmates up to potentially receive some brutal savagings. If she had looked around a little or even asked on the forum it should have been obvious none of those stories meet minimum site standards and that this isn't a community that's going to be agreeable to being flooded with low effort work from children that, however old you all are, should really have a better grasp of the basics of the English language by now.

This particular dragon story is certainly more ambitious than the last one I read. That being said, it is far too short to resolve the massive problem at the beginning which is pink fire breath from dragons which will destroy the dragon proof walls of the city and kill everyone.

Once again the grammar in this story is abysmal, but the problem wasn’t so much spelling this time as it was fragments. There were so many dependent clauses, and run on sentences that it made the story hard to follow. Also I’d like to introduce an element of this story I have a huge problem with. Guns. When you introduce guns in a fantasy adventure, they shouldn’t be overpowered as heck and be able to kill enormous dragons with a few shots. That’s lame.

There were a lot of random elements to the story and needless choices put in there. Obviously I’m going to choose to fight the dragon I’m not going to let my village burn down so this choice is unnecessary. The random elements of the story were also unnecessary. For example, the guy who tries to kidnap me with a gun for no reason seemed like an unimportant part of the plot given the immediate threat of dragons. Also, once I get to the dragon lair in one of the paths the author mentions a giant eagle to take me up there. Then in the very next page the author literally says I know not how I made it up this mountain. What about the giant freaking eagle you just mentioned!

The dragons, who are the antagonists here, behave inconsistently once I reach the lair itself. Either I’m killing them, or I’m befriending them, or I’m negotiating with them. This wouldn’t be a problem if the story resolves the conflict of this entire dragon problem with them wanting to destroy my village within one page offering zero time for character development. One of the endings says the dragons like you and decide to spare your village because of your sacrifice. What sacrifice did I make exactly? All I did was leave my village and climb this mountain which is creatively named dragon mountain. Dragon Mountain! That’s the best the author could come up with?

So the point I’m trying to make here is that the story feels rushed. It feels like the author had some cool ideas then got bored with it and packed it all into a few pages leaving no room for progression of plot, and added a bunch of random story elements that don’t work together well. You need to give your story room to breathe if you want people to enjoy it.

ho

why is it so short

*grammatical
c:

Lots of gramitical errors, not very good in my opinion, sorry

Crescent, actually, most of the other stories had pictures.

Also, congratulations Haugen. Your story was the only one to survive the purge.
May you lead your friends to enlightment.

I thought this was pretty okay, and I gave it a 4 ^-^

If you need someone to help you edit this, I'm always here.

Go Columbine your school. You're the only one worth keeping around.