As Ink

OVERALL
Wow. This is really, really good. From the concept to the tone to the execution, this is just a masterfully written and incredibly interesting story. This is my favorite story of yours!
The very first sentence sets the confuzzled, eerie mood and dives straight into the meat of the story. Excellent hook. It doesn’t let you go, either. At no point did I find myself skimming to get through, and I ended up reading it all much sooner than I thought I would. It dragged me in! It’s clear that you enjoyed writing this and put a lot of care into it. It paid off.

Oh, and one of my favorite things about your writing is how you put your own distinct flavor and style on it. I could definitely imagine you telling this as a campfire story of sorts.

SPOILERS BEYOND THIS POINT
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CHARACTERS
The Etcher’s voice in his original letter is similar but distinctly separate from Hue’s, which is impressive. He does sound good and sincere, without any negative subtext. Considering how suspicious I am of all the good and happy things in your writing, this truly is a feat.
I haven’t met him, but I almost feel as though I have. He’s the kind of person people tell stories about, and that’s a good trait to have.
I TAKE ALL OF THAT BACK, YOU TRICKED ME
I’VE BEEN TRICKED
Nevermind, still wholesome, false alarm.
I like that Kris calls him Hope.

Kris isn’t strongly characterized off the bat. We know she builds things and it amazing at it. Their little meet-cute is adorable and not cliche. I found myself genuinely smiling at Rot’s recounting of the tale.
Oh. Well.

I love that his name is Hue so much.
You do an excellent job of establishing the narrator’s voice quickly. This is a really likable, relatable narrator, and I want him to succeed. It’s strange reading this and finding just a wholesome, cheerful fellow. I definitely wasn’t expecting it.
Def optimistic. A fun trait for an ink monster

Roach seems like a good guy, too. I would also probably hold a knife to a weird mud monster in the forest— actually, scratch that, I would run. Roach is a brave young man.
His wholesome idolizing of his father is so sweet.

Rune is quickly characterized, too. A little tell but then it’s immediately proven. Solid
I am surprised she didn’t shame Hue more for not going under the rug into the bug room, though.

Mr. Lovner’s original description is wonderful. Fun to read, easy to imagine.

I like Mikal immediately. That is literally me. I’m in awe of your ability to characterize people through such distinct and unique actions.

As for the minions, I have just encountered them for the first time and they are delightful little murderous nuisances. I’m convinced they’re all like, clones of each other or something.
HIS BLOOD WAS BLACK. AHA.

Enid/Rot IS eccentric. That’s a good word. I actually quite like how he introduces himself differently to different people. That’s a really cool character quirk and a neat idea in general.

Core/Hate is definitely a character. Obviously a bit one-dimensional, but he’s literally hate incarnate, so that makes sense. Also, technically he’s like Hue’s brother. Huh.

The Elders I meet are both distinct, too. Figured I should slide that in here. I like the way they both sound old, but not in a 1D or superficial way.

Zabda is a kook, but that’s the charm. He has a very distinctive speech pattern, which is cool.

Vex is a strong independent woman who don’t need no man! She’s also got… issues. You’re telling me there’s no way to redeem her, too? Sad, very sad. I wanna fix everyone!

Vana is an odd duck. Emotional for how lesbi— er, TOUGH, she is.

All of your characters are very fleshed out, with distinct qualities that make them who they are. I like each of them for their own reasons, and especially applaud how naturally you’ve woven them into the story. This is their world, and they ARE alive in it. It’s neat to see.

Man, I’ve been so hyped up to read the character profiles. It was a big part of the motivation for finishing sooner rather than putting it off, for sure— I couldn’t have spoilers, but I wanna know!
Now I read.

Hue– I agree, it definitely does come across strongly. I noticed that he only became violent when he was taught violence, and appreciated that. His character development was seamless in every path, and that’s hard to do in a CYOA format while still giving the reader a sense of control. You did that! Yahoo!

Roach— Probably my favorite character. I’m also glad you included him more than you had originally intended.

Rune— Also another favorite of mine, though I may have to pick Roach over her still. Loved the snarky attitude.

Rot— Poor guy.

Zabda— Ah yes, the dude who tricked Hue into being a murder accomplice! Very smart character to include. Hue did need to get majorly lied to, thematically.

Vex— Definitely one of my favorite villains in any story. She’s complex, and she’s had to have trauma dumped on her to get here. None of that “well she used to be good”— her life has always been a slow descent into evil. She did try a little, though, with the marriage thing. I wonder how she would’ve ended up differently, had she found someone who actually loved her. Maybe it would’ve ended the same.

Vana— What, no Author’s Note here? :(

Kris— Alright, seems we’ve stopped with the Author’s Notes. I think I would like Kris if she were a real person. She’s got spunk, but is a kind soul. Not complacent, not weak, but kind.

Etcher— A well-written spiral, here. Very realistic and believable.

Core— A very dark and sad villain. Possibly the only person I never felt like redeeming, probably due to not really being a person at all. Just the embodiment of hate.

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BRANCHING
You know, I remember you mentioning before that it takes a while to get to the first choice, but I really don’t mind that particular stretch. I’ve been enjoying myself.

Alright, the gaps between branches do get a liiiittle tedious eventually. The writing is good and interesting, but it’d be just a tad more interesting if I could do something before five thousand words go by lol. Still, it doesn’t change the fact that this is high-quality work.

I will say, the subtle changes in text based on my different actions are small but very impressive, coming from the POV of someone who tried and struggled to implement that on a much smaller scale. I KNOW that took a lot of hard work and focus. Tbh kudos for this part alone.

I like that I get Roach on the northern path and Rune to the west. A nice little bit of branching differentiation

The single link/choice ratio is better in the northern branch

The paths also do a lot more crisscrossing and overlapping. If I were making a flowchart for this I might have a seizure! It’s fun, though.

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PLOT
Using the letter to cover a chunk of the exposition so as to maintain limited POV while not leaving the reader in the dark works really well.

I love the blatant racism being portrayed here, in a new and thought-provoking way.

They outlawed… drawing? WRITING??? I… they must die.

They did WHAT to my sweet little boy Mikal— I’ll kill them.

He says he’s not going to sell out Rune’s father, but he’s far too trusting. He tells the old lady that Lovner’s been helping him immediately!

I gotta say, I’m realllllly curious as to what’s causing this sickness. I’m theorizing that doing things that make them feel alive = actually being more alive, but maybe it’s not that. But hey, the mystery and the guessing are part of what makes this so much fun!

Oh, is it hope? Gotta be hope.

Ooh hoo hoo, a twist. The Etcher is Core. I had just recently been suspicious of that very thing. Delicious.

I love the “I refuse to become my tormentor” motif in here. You make the struggle very realistic.

Alright, my only qualm is I feel like such a hopeless, dying people wouldn’t all be so inclusive. I know Rune was a little meh toward Hue at first, but I wish I saw more genuine malice in Deer Rock

Well, time to go North. Think I’ve hit all the endings this direction.

Oh, I get Roach in this one. I like that little change.

It’s so cool getting to see the actual memories of The Etcher and Kris meeting after hearing Rot describe it.

You know, I’m just now realizing that the two dictators are both directly linked to one of his parents. Vana is his mother’s sister, and Hate came straight from Hope. He’s struggling against and FOR his parents in different ways.

HE CUT A CHUNK OF HIS ARM OUT TO STEAL A RING?

It’s nice that I stumbled across a way to meet Vana after going through all the rest of it. I really do think I’m going about this in the most aesthetically pleasing order. I had JUST been thinking I should really try to meet this Vana chick. Lowkey hoping there’s a way to save her instead of kill her.

Aha! There is.

why did Penta Lake have to be the first target of Vex’s new, awful reign? Poor fellas

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WRITING STYLE
I love your writing style. It’s so casual and conversational. It’s like you’re just leading me around this world, pointing out different things. But you also unleash such grotesque monstrosities upon my imagination, and the juxtaposition is wonderful. It has a way of making the horrific descriptions feel more believable, and really humanizing the whole experience— and that’s what reading this is: a whole experience.

You also do a fantastic job of immersing the reader in a scene through imagery and very vivid sensory details. Your descriptions are unique and, well, descriptive. There’s nothing in it that feels overused and it all fits very well.

The slow pacing at the start helps build tension and create intrigue.

Cannot emphasize enough how much I love the tone of this. The use of dashes, ellipses, and varying sentence lengths really set a mystical and mysterious scene.

Let me be a nerd over this second page real quick. Your use of suspensive syntax in the “Behind the leftmost door” paragraph is truly amazing. Had me on the edge of my seat. The anaphora in “I am sorry” is beautiful and poignant. Everything about this is well-written and clean.

I love the funny little asides in this.

The repeated “knock, knock, knock” as its own paragraph both times is a nice touch.

I love that you took the time to stop and mention a bug that’s been painted over on the wall. Such a little detail, but it really adds so much.

You do a great job of writing dialogue and mixing actions in with it, too. One line that stands out in particular to me is:
> "Of course. Of course," Lovner nods, sliding his plate of sunny-side-up eggs backward, patting at his mouth with a cloth.

I’ve been followed! I love the way you did this scene, slowing down the pace of the story to match the character. The first “crack” of the twig as a disruptive auditory clue is nice. It’s a simple sound that I can hear in my head, and paired with absolute silence is pretty snazzy stuff. The short, declarative sentences create anticipation. The delayed reveal is done well. Really just the whole scene works very nicely together.

“Instances of buzzing” is a little awkwardly worded, but maybe that works here.

I really like this little conversation:
"Rune?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you for coming with me."
"...Hmph."
The lack of dialogue tags and the short dialogue really bring attention to not only what’s being said, but what’s being meant.

"I may not be as nice as you want me to be, but you're not as unique as you think you are"
I love the parallelism in this. It’s got a nice grammatical pattern that makes it soothing to my soul. Really highlights the meaning and makes it hit home.

I love The Etcher’s final speech to his son, in his body. Who hurt you? Lol

>Color returns to their faces. Hope returns to their hearts.
Anaphora! I love it.

> and nothing could possibly go wrong!
Classic setup for Murphy’s Law, lol. Good use of dramatic irony.

You do a lot of straight-up telling me how “I” (Hue) feel, but I actually think that works with the tone, POV, and general structure of this story. While typically I’d suggest using more action to show how I feel about certain things, rather than telling me that something seems negative to Hue, the way you’ve set up the character voice really negates that point. Carry on with your own unique, funky brand of storytelling. I like it. Obviously, plenty of other people do, too.

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SPAG
Not a lot to complain about here, which is always good. I found very few typos, especially considering the length.
It does bother me when you’ve got an action tag written in lowercase after a piece of dialogue, though. It really should be: “‘Talk.’ Person does thing.” or “‘Talk,’ says the person doing the thing.” Actions (smiles, shrugs, slouches) are their own sentences.

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OTHER
I could make a list of all my favorite sentences from this, and it would probably be a few thousand words in and of itself. I might do that, just to see. Not in this review, though, lol.

> You have yet to pick up on the human norm of everybody going to sleep at night
> You're not very tired, even though it seems like night is the time to rest among these humans.
Where do you get the idea that this is normal??? Smh

I love all of the names in this.

“after hitting your head on the ceiling” lol

Yo, shoutout small towns.

Rot’s flies = Matvey’s maggots. Both used to be doctors and everything!

GIVING BEER TO SOMEONE WHO IS ONE DAY OLD???

I like the little pep talk he gives himself upon deciding to save Rune in the Under.

>Even art and writing slowly become a safe practice once again
thank GOD

I like that “Bison Rock” sounds better than “Deer Rock”. It really hammers in the final nail that the town has deteriorated since The Etcher left/died/split his soul.

I especially like the “Okay, well, that makes sense” after “If it did, The After isn’t very lively.” The fact that it’s its own paragraph just makes the landing that much punchier. :)

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THOUGHTS AFTER EACH ENDING
Hey, btw, obviously there are MAJOR HECKING SPOILERS under this one. If you haven’t read the story and are reading this part, take your pitiful, lowercase shame.
These are listed in the order I got them.

Bad Ending #10. The first ending I got, and it’s depressing. I feel like I should’ve at least been given the CHANCE to try before giving up, but Hue does seem prone to giving up when inconvenience arises. He hasn’t had time to build up perseverance, and his new bestie did just die. Besides, that’s kinda the point, right? The Under sucks the hope right out of ya.

Neutral Ending #6: Go Home. Obviously this isn’t a winning ending, but I’m glad I read it. It really shows some more of Rune’s character and is kinda a touching, if sad, scene. You know it’s good if the neutral endings are really interesting. I WILL find a good ending (or all of them)

Bad Ending #1: Nothing of Him Left. This one is sad. Fitting that it’s the first bad ending. From a “I’m rooting for Hue’ standpoint, this is my least favorite by far. It’d be hard to top. But that’s really a testament to how well-written it is. Devastating

Bad Ending #2: To Death. I like that this emphasizes “the people deserve to know”. Those were my thoughts exactly. The line “you’re now surprised with yourself that you were able to think of such things” particularly hit me as a gut punch.
Oh holy smokes. This is awful. I still “hate” the other one more, but this one is just so sad. The paragraph about the moment his eyes went blank is… wow. Hard. “My little girl?” STOP I’M DYING. Small note, it MAY have been slightly more impactful as its own paragraph. That’s not to say it isn’t still ABSOLUTELY CRUEL as is though.

Neutral Ending #1: Shining Gates. Nothing remarkable about it in any direction, which is how the first neutral ending SHOULD be. It’s strangely poetic.

Good Ending #1: An Angel With No Wings
Snazzy that I won’t be having to pay rent
I like this one. The subtle hint at romance with Mikal’s drawing is a nice touch. It feels like a conclusion, but also a beginning. Very nicely done.

Bad Ending #9: Tragedy. Hue goes full emo here. It makes sense for his character. I really appreciate the note that Roach leaves after a week. That makes sense for HIS character. It’s a pretty sad and abrupt ending but it feels like it fits, still.

Neutral Ending #4: I’m Sorry. Depressing. Really depressing. Beautiful, too. And Kris’s actions really track with what I know of Kris— she’s a fighter. She keeps fighting to save Hue, even as he’s actively trying to die. It’s a poetic battle of wills.

Good Ending #6: A Mother’s Love. Much better than my previous end, lol. It DOES seem a little too neatly-tied-up, but I’ll let it slide because time limits and also Hue deserves a little bit of a break at this point.

Neutral Ending #5: Forgive Me. You win, but at what cost? I appreciate the exploration of “but is what you did RIGHT” even though the end result is what you wanted. DO the ends justify the means? I don’t know, Hue doesn’t know, his mother doesn’t seem too sure either…

Bad Ending #8: Punishment. You know I had to click the “kill him” link before the other two. Feels a little like it was tacked on for variety, but I can appreciate it nonetheless. It’s cool to see how completely giving in to the evil that lurks within him affects Hue.

Bad Ending #7: Isolated. Dang, two bad endings right next to each other.This one is arguably a little better than the other, for Hue anyway. I enjoyed killing Zabda more myself.

Good Ending #5: My Purpose. Sweet, I guess. Bittersweet.

Bad Ending #6: Shattered Purpose. Poetic to get this right after “My Purpose”, I think.. I’m noticing a lot of “and eventually your hope disappears” in these bad endings, which does make sense. Appreciate the many many ways to die, of course. That’s a lot of the fun of storygames!

Good Ending #2: From the Ashes… Not gonna lie, I didn’t expect this ending to be good. It’s a (semi?) wholesome found-family-trope kind of ending though, and that’s cute.

Bad Ending #3: Washed Away. Okay, so when I DON’T try to hurt people, I get the bad ending? I guess subversion is good, and it creates a little more of a sense of tension when I can’t always tell what’s going to happen, but I’m STILL miffed. Hmph.

Neutral Ending #2: Corrupted. I would argue that this should be labelled as a BAD ending, but I guess I’m not dead. Roach is, though. That seems pretty bad. :(

Good Ending #3: One and Only. Vana is reduced to a single stain on my perfect record. Good for her, the absolute prick. How dare she do my boy Roach like that. He’s been through enough!

Bad Ending #4: Broken. Yeowch. This one is painful. Hue has been through so much, man. In just a few short days, he’s gone from a happy, optimistic, wholesome boy to a murderer who wants nothing more than to die. It’s just… so sad.

Bad Ending #5: New Management. Dang it, I was so close to redeeming the Edurr people. It’s weird how Vana seems the worst in the memories, but it’s really Vex who’s a menace. Hue’s moment of wondering if he can bring people back to life is felt. It’s such a real, human desire. I’m getting delirious at the point of writing this, but I can still appreciate good writing!

Good Ending #4: Northern Soul. Is this my favorite because it’s the last one? No. It’s my favorite because everyone’s alive and happy! Well, Vex isn’t happy, but she’s ALIVE so. Truly the goodest ending.

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Anyway, this was absolutely fantastic! It’s a really unique concept and the creativity here is awe-inspiring. Thanks for writing it, honestly. It’s been a wild ride and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed every second. Kudos!
Oh, and 8/8. Duh.

Very interesting concept. I got the "An Angel With No Wings" ending. I liked this story very much. Almost all of my feelings on it are positive. There are two minor complaints I have, which I'll explain, but overall I very much enjoyed this one.

I enjoyed the vibe of the story. It kind of had a Pinocchio/Gingerbread man essence to it. Trying to find out who you are, born into a world alone, your maker mysteriously gone. That's usually an interesting story, and it was here as well. In fact, I think the one story I've experienced that this reminded me the most was Steven Spielberg's A.I. The protagonist needing to find these answers about who he is, why he is here, why his creator made him. This is a classic story and it was well told here.

The issues I had with this: 1. the ending (this one, anyway) kind of felt like a deus ex machina—although maybe not entirely, since it also gave the catharsis the protagonist was looking for in finally reaching his father, even if his father defeated the villain through him. However, our protagonist did contribute to the end, by his strength of will keeping himself and Rune alive long enough for his father to indwell within him and defeat the villain. 2. The other issue I had is I'm not sure if the explanation was satisfying enough. But on the other hand, the realization that he was what was left over from his father after the hate was removed was interesting. In fact, now that I think about it, I don't think it's the explanation itself that is the issue for me, but rather the way the protagonist reacted to it. To go all this way, searching for answers, and learning this, I maybe might have expected something a little extreme in his reaction. In truth, the explanation itself is excellent. I just feel like there should have been more to how the protagonist dealt with it.


Anyway, overall this was an excellent story. The themes are timeless, and they were executed well. Great job.

Aaah! I just want to give Hue a big ol' hug!

Ahem! Yes, the review. <<SPOILERS AHEAD>>

First off, I want to commend the approach that you took to the prompt of a summoning ritual gone wrong. This was definitely not the kind of story I was expecting that prompt to give rise to. Hue is a likeable and wholesome character who embodies his father's concept of hope very well, especially in the backdrop of a considerable despair. He is very well written.

I also want to say that the supporting cast of characters were delightful to interact with. Each of them had their own unique quirks that were very memorable. Specifically, I have to appreciate Rune and Roach. Their interactions with Hue and the way they support him at his lowest points were, in my opinion, the highlights of the story.

One small issue I have with the story is how defeating one of the antagonists just automatically causes the other one to disappear. I am aware that the author originally intended to make it feel more like an open world where you could defeat them in any order, but perhaps if the antagonists were both put in the same place it could have given rise to a more satisfying conclusion?

Ehh, whatever, this is still a great story. Glad I took the time to read it.