, #114 for
played 1,558 times (finished 182)
"trek through the forest"
"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"
"choking hazard for children under 4"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 6. To compare to the movie rating system, this would be G.
This is a story about dragons. What would you do if you had one? Now, your wanted. What now?
Uhh... Well I think the game could've been good, except most of it didn't make any sense. At the beginning you leave home because an unknown foe is looking for the dragon. How do you know about that? And after you sneak past the guards, all the villagers are talking about how the guards are looking for someone who snuck past them... If they didn't see you, how do they know you snuck past them? If they did see you why didn't they just arrest you there and then? Then near the end I got arrested and taken to jail... And then suddenly I was out of jail with no explanation of how I got out. I think you could probably write a better story game, but you need to make sure that everything in your story makes sense before you publish it.
on 3/22/2014 6:45:57 PM with a score of 0
There are a lot of things wrong with this. I'll give you specifics so that you can see exactly what was incorrect so that you can fix it in the future.
The first thing is the easiest thing. You *have* to proofread thoroughly before you publish. That means that you need to reread your story several times and have other people read it to find the mistakes in your writing. You clearly didn't spend much time on this phase since the writing is abundant with spelling, grammar, and punctuation issues. Another issue was verb tense. You usually kept a consistent present tense, but you sometimes switched to a past tense. For example, while the player is eating lunch, you wrote, "'What was that?' Father muttered. You offer..." Before Father speaks, the verb tense is present, then he speaks and it's past, then the narration continues and it's present again. If you proofread better, you likely would have caught this. Another thing that helps during the proofreading stage is reading the story out loud. This helps you eliminate any choppy sentences and form better flow. Throughout the story, there are a lot of short, simple sentences that don't produce an effect at all. They simply slow down the reading and make it less comfortable to read. This also would have caught the unrealistic and choppy dialogue between characters. Make sure you're varying your sentence types and not using only one transition word throughout the entire story.
As for the actual storytelling, you could have done much better to say the least. The descriptions of objects, people, and environment are just so surface and, frankly, often missing. You don't take time ever to just stop the progression of time to take in a moment. Nothing is important in this story and nothing has emphasis. The characterization is nonexistent, as there is no room in 1600 words to make dynamic characters, especially with how you write. The protagonist stays exactly the same, Blaze is essentially an object, and Aaron is just there. Speaking of Aaron, what were you going for with him? Clearly he's meant to be an important side character and mentor to the protagonist and Blaze, but he doesn't actually do anything. There's no time where Aaron is training them at all except for one time when you mention that "Aaron was training Blaze" but that's it. There's no description at all. Then, when Aaron dies, you describe it in literally one sentence. The protagonist has no emotions and doesn't seem to care at all that Aaron died. Here's a list of some other things I had problems with:
- There's an "unkown enemy trying to find you" that never shows up again and it's never really explained how the "enemy" knew you were there or why they were looking for you.
- At one point as Blaze is following you, you, "realize that this dragon is yours." Did you not know before? How do you know now?
- For whatever reason you can also understand Blaze, but he never has dialogue. He never talks to you.
- The actions are strange. When you're first talking to Aaron, he introduces yourself, does nothing, then you flinch. Why?
- You often break the fourth wall, addressing the reader directly. Again, why? It just disrupts what little story there is.
Now for my gripes with the use of the advanced editor and the organization and general pace of the story. First, you attempt to use the items feature, but it doesn't actually do anything. When you befriend Blaze, you get him as an item. This further characterizes him as an inanimate object, so I guess that's something. Second, there's only one ending. All paths lead to the same place. Third, when you choose the wrong choice, the game directly tells you to choose the other choice instead of the player dying or suffering a bad consequence. Often, the first choices are the most important ones. They dictate what you're going to do for the rest of the story, unless they lead to the *exact same place* like they do here. Finally, the ending is terrible. It's literally "you got to the place you wanted to go so your quest is done." What the hell? Nothing happens. Nothing. There is no climax to this story. Nothing is exciting. Reading this, I felt nothing but pain and rage. If this is some elaborate plot to make people mad, then by God you've succeeded. If I was older, I'd need a drink.
on 1/6/2020 9:09:06 PM with a score of 0
Not very interesting, and almost all choices lead to the same end, why?
on 10/25/2019 3:16:04 PM with a score of 0
Stakes are kinda trash
on 10/2/2019 11:54:02 AM with a score of 0
Giving people the option to not "choose the adventure" without even wrapping it up with some sort of ending is bad mojo, IMHO.
on 6/9/2018 7:46:03 AM with a score of 0
Terribly designed. Too short
on 5/21/2018 12:54:12 PM with a score of 0
I guess I have a dragon now.
on 1/6/2018 11:02:30 PM with a score of 0
on 7/3/2017 1:53:56 AM with a score of 0
This is basically a summary of the Inheritance Cycle and not an original story. And it doesn't contain the best of grammar nor wording. Also was quite cheesy. There needs to be more details, but don't focus to much on them.
Why didn't the kid take money with him?
What about his dad?
Was ol' Aaron senial?!
on 6/27/2017 4:44:52 PM with a score of 0
needs to be longer
-- Emmanuella on 5/4/2017 2:41:01 PM with a score of 0
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