The Foreigner

This sure was something. I didn't really know what to make of it at first. And too be honest, I got lost about half way through it and gave up on trying to comprehend what the fuck was going on.

It's riddled with grammar issues. Dialogue "rules" should be reviewed. Multiple times of here vs hear being changed about (some other words too). Sometimes there were quotation marks instead of apostrophes. Capitalization of person, place, things need to be reviewed. Your/ You're issues. I don't think I need to go on. Proofreading could have really made a huge difference.

Along with that, I would consider playtesting a game like this. Although there are items/ puzzles - infinite loops happen frequently. Links are broken or can be exploited to cause another infinite loop of pages. Some links are shown but have to be pressed in a certain order. There was a place towards the end where it said "Option 3, click the next page link then read" Meaning don't read the next page and click the next link there. Made no sense. Chapter Titles also appear out of no where. I didn't know about this until the next link was "Chapter IV: The Navis", which came out of no where.

Also the entire story could be written off because in the fight with your Father, you drop your bowie knife and your Father picks it up before chasing you down stairs. Your Father corners you and decides to pick up another knife from the kitchen (somehow forgetting he already has a Bowie Knife). Now your Bowie knife stays in your inventory and you actually use it to save yourself to continue the story. HOWEVER, this can't happen because as I said, you end up dropping it 3-4 pages before this.

I gave it a 4/8 - mainly because of the amount of effort writing this and the choice to play with varibles/ puzzles. It's pretty linear and most choices don't matter.

I think because of the way the game's set up, most people are going to find the edgy ending before this gets going and just take their point. But there's actually quite a bit here and it does get sort of interesting when you start finding out more about the aliens.

The writing itself is kind of sloppy and full of errors unfortunately, in addition to pretty obviously being written by a kid. In that sense it reminds me a bit of that Super Tale story published recently by 325boy. (Although that one had more signs of proofreading.) I don't regret reading it or anything and the potential is there, it's just missing a few layers of polish, and there are issues with character interaction and pacing that mean what are meant to be dramatic moments don't always work.

Is the Alzheimer's ending the only "winning" one btw? Because that was pretty anticlimactic.

Anyway, I can't really say this was a *good* story, but the sheer amount of writing, the items, puzzles, and so on all point to a lot of effort put in and that's admirable. And the enthusiasm behind it sort of won me over despite the other issues. The biggest flaws here are simply the amateurish nature of it all, and that's something the author will improve at with time and practice. (And proofreading!)

The author is so obviously a 13 year old writing out their fantasies of being the most abused kid ever so they can justify violent revenge. It's all a bit silly.

Pretty decent except for the typo here:

"Ok coming mom," you say.

The objects and usage of them are really bad designed. Most of times you only can use one and is the only choice, a choice that you know will end in a dead end. The plot is really bad developed and seems a mere filler for fewer objects than don't bring anything to the story. They also fail to be a puzzle.

Still, with more usage of different objects in the same scenes and more dialogue and character development,  it could be a good story. Maybe adding an intro with dialogue or portraying the childhood could make that readers care more for the protagonist.