The Red Church

I really enjoyed this story! I have a few minor problems, but this was a great story to read through.

The good:

You employ the use of in media res, bypassing exposition to start in the middle of the story. I liked the use of this techniqueI really love how you start the story off with a simple question, "Do you really not remember anything?" From there the story begins.

You kept the flashback long enough to where we were engaged, yet not so long that it dragged on. Within that space, you established the creepy cultists, how they kidnapped your parents, and how a strange and mysterious benefactor saved your life. The benefactor then made you promise that you would come back and save them.

The writing overall, except for some sentences which I will get into was awesome. I love the way you described the creepy one-eyed cultist, the storm, the fear of the protagonist, the weather heightening the MC's fear, the suspense if the protagonist might get caught, and the red church itself. This story was a really thrilling ride and I was at the edge of my seat as I read it. My favorite page was when you wrote how the god took over our hero's body. That was crazy! I love the way you wrote the possession, and how differently the god talks and acts than you would. That was a really good massacre scene, and you could sense his unbridled vengeance as the god finally took his revenge after all those of years of captivity. I also liked how the choice that seems obvious wasn't always the right one. Like when you could either "give up control" or "fight back" at the end, you would think that "fight back" would give you the good ending, but the god needs to take over in order to kill the servants, you can't. You have to surrender control or Ling dies and she can't dispel him and free you. If you fight back you get possessed completely. That was interesting.

I like the realistic dialogue, particularly how you make the dialogue different when writing the bartender, townsfolk, parents, and the cultist itself. A mark of a good story is that the people feel different in the way they talk.

I was surprised by the protagonist's magic power, though that does even the playing field. You integrated the backstory into the events pretty well, it didn't feel like it dragged or anything. I also loved the idea of the different factions warring, the chained god trying to manipulate our hero, while the servants ran the different divisions of the church. There's also the 5th servant, the child Ling, who helps our main character because she doesn't want to be associated with the evil that is the red church. I felt you did a good job setting up all these opposing sides.

Minor issues: Some of the writing is a little awkward: "The cultist, as you quickly learned from your father’s horrified reaction, grinned cruelly and waved a silver insignia in his face." Something about that sentence just rubs me the wrong way, you could completely remove the clause "as you quickly learned from your father's horrified reaction". It felt like you had to justify to us that you got the continuity correct, since the MC couldn't have seen the event because they were in another room, but there might have been a better way to do it. I'm not really in any position to judge, people shouldn't throw stones from glass houses. Lord knows I have so many lines like that in my stories. There's also some strange phrasings like "From under the bed, you watched as the cultists sauntered out of the house, taking along with them your parents." I mean, I think it's grammatically correct, but it's a very roundabout way to say it. "Through a crack in the room adjacent", I feel like adjacent and room could be switched, that just sounds better to my ear. Some of the adjectives chosen were also a little surprising, like "sputtering lanterns".

I would say the weirdest part of this story was that there was some really high quality, top-tier writing alongside the awkward parts. Most of the writing is of this second category, it flows really well and is engaging. I only mentioned the bag writing because at times, it was a little distracting, but the great writing more than made up for it. You write horror really well, building the suspense.

Then again, this is a contest entry, so you can discount these issues because they're easily fixed with proofreading, as the rest of it is simply fantastic. This is a great story that stands tall and proud in the Grimdark fantasy category.

Overall, I'd give this a 7, I took off 1 point for the minor issues.

I’ll start with a disclaimer: As I’m not a professional writer nor a seasoned reviewer, take everything with a grain of salt. To potential readers of this story, beware of spoilers galore. Please do yourselves a favor and read the story first. I promise you won’t regret it.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Maybe I’m a bit biased towards it, but I like that the description begins with a quote from the story. It gives readers a sense of the overall tone, introduces the situation that the protagonist will face, and there’s also the implied theme of temptation from the dark side. Unrelated, but it’s quite cool how you used an unpublished article for your author’s notes. I might steal that technique in the future.

The story starts with a question to pique the reader’s interest. While the conversation between the two characters was short and succinct, there was so much tension underneath the surface: there’s the implication that the question has been asked many times in the past, and the fact that not remembering anything—ordinarily something that would be concerning—satisfies the old lady. And that last line, I love it. Unreliable narrators are fun to read about. It made me re-read the page and the conversation again. This reminds me of writing advice I once read that the first and last line of every page are the most important: the first is meant to hook the reader, whereas the last keeps them turning the page. So far, this story does both of these well.

WRITING STYLE

I absolutely enjoyed the sensory details and descriptions, which immersed me into the story. There was a part about dreams—normally, an abstract concept—but they were described so vividly with concrete imagery. There were two recurring motifs: the cold and the color red. I like the mention of leaving behind warmth when being captured, after which there were the constant references to the cold. But more on these later.

A slight issue I noticed throughout the story was inconsistent tenses. It begins on the first page, though it wasn’t too disruptive, as I didn’t notice until I found this issue on the second page and re-read the first page for the third time. Only the 3rd and 4th paragraphs are in present tense; the rest are in past tense. On the next page, the tense shifts from past to present: ‘“Look at me,” he hisses’. Then it switches back to past again. It happens every so often in the story, but it’s nothing a quick proofread wouldn’t fix.

Another proofreading error I noticed concerned the dialogue. Sometimes, dialogue tags were capitalized after commas and question marks when they should have been lower-case. Then, there were other parts where the dialogue tags were not capitalized, but the dialogue ended with full stops where there should have been commas. Still, I’d give you a pass due to contest constraints.

The pacing was good, especially employing a deep point-of-view to stretch out suspenseful scenes. For instance, when the protagonist was hiding, a lot of information was left unknown as he could only see glimpses of the red-robes from beneath the bed. He couldn’t see the last cultist so he wasn’t sure if he was bluffing. This lack of information kept the stakes and tension high.

“There were no other choices, so you shouted in your mind.” - I wonder if this was a reference to there being no other choices on the page haha.

So, remembering one of the posts you wrote, I did find a comma splice: “The next moments were a blur of crimson, red robes rushed through the house like wraiths hunting for flesh.” But that’s the only one I caught, and no, it definitely doesn’t make you a terrible writer. You’re quite the opposite, in fact.

Description effectively enhanced the narrative by creating a sense of atmosphere which tied into the grimdark world and tone of the story. For example, there were mentions of “broken baskets”, “dying embers”, and “fading fire” - all connoting brokenness and death. The death scenes were written really well too. I especially love the attention to detail in one of the endings with this as a last line: “The next moments fly by in a flash as your vision fades to black - a blood splattered veil… collapsing spires… and the cold, cold winds…” The collapsing spires beautifully juxtaposes the constant references to the spires “rising”, “towering” and “growing in height”. As for the cold winds, this was another recurring motif, with the repetition of the word ‘cold’ used to convey that the situation has gotten much worse than it was at the start.

WORLDBUILDING

There were so many cool worldbuilding details throughout the story, such as the hearts of children being crystalized and transformed to a calming substance. This answers the question posed at the start, where the kidnapped villagers were separated and there was a pause after the cultist announced, “as for the children…”

Also, the magic system was developed well. The voice wasn’t fully untraceable: the protagonist could sense its presence searching through the bodies. Furthermore, there was a man with a large eye to see what normally cannot be seen, and a woman with a large nose to smell what normally cannot be smelt (like the mark).

(Lots of spoilers) Foreshadowing was great too: the rumors about the lord’s wife and her singing was later important, as her voice had persuasive qualities. Then there was the ritual where the “sacrificed would have their body parts cut and shaved off piece by piece, symbolizing the sacrifices that their god provided to the church”. At first, I thought this was a reference to the crystalized hearts and the abnormally large body parts that grant inhumanly strong senses. Only much later did I realize the larger significance of this as an event which parallels the four servants cutting off the body parts of the demon.

CHARACTERS & PLOT
(This part contains many spoilers).

I liked that from the start, the protagonist had a clear mission: to rescue his parents. This led to him following the instructions of the voice and eventually finding himself trapped in this sinister web of secrets and deception.

In one of the dead-ends, new information is revealed and a question left unanswered: “Turns out the whole process is a lot faster if y- oh, you should probably hide.” That’s a good strategy to make the reader compelled to read another branch.

Regarding the protagonist, I got the sense he was a bit of an unreliable narrator. There was the lie he told at the start, and he seemed to lie quite easily, like when he made up a reason as to why he stopped in the first church after hearing the voice for the first time in years.

As for the voice, his motivation was foreshadowed well. There was his desperation for the child to live, the ellipses before he said “save your parents” which hints at him only using that as a way to convince the protagonist to help him, and him saying he wasn’t at the first church which implies he has a physical form. Later, the readers learn more: he is quick to abandon the protagonist when he doesn’t do as he says, and he can influence the protagonist’s memory after calling off their deal. He’s characterized as wanting retribution. Based on the information provided, it can be deduced that he is someone who used to be one of them in the past, perhaps before he got betrayed. In the scene right after, Ling mentions that he is dangerous: “It’s hard to say whether his servants betrayed him, or if he betrayed the five of us.”

I’m impressed by the way that the story builds towards the information which is revealed in the next scene. Only when the reader is immersed in the plot do they find out about the backstory behind the Red Church. In some other stories I’ve seen, there would have been a link to the lore, or maybe even an info-dump. Yet, this method here allows the reader to connect with the protagonist’s personal goal, and go through a sequence of events with a fast-paced plot that reveals bits and pieces without truly telling the full story. The timing was great, too. Earlier on, when the voice gave the protagonist newfound skills—from telekinesis to super strength—his power appeared unlimited. But this shows the limitations of his abilities.

The power play was foreshadowed when Ling said that ‘servant’ was used as a title. All the five servants and their special abilities were introduced well, as the protagonist had already been acquainted with several of them so they weren’t a list of new descriptors/ names. The child being the demon’s favorite was a subtle detail I appreciated, which probably explains why she was spared (though that might also be because she didn’t take his tongue).

Really good use of red as a recurring motif. I love the application of color theory: red represents passion, warmth and love (back when they were a ‘family’), but also “blood, war, and rage”.

On another path, we get to see this story from the mason’s point of view. It adds to his characterization: he saw the demon as someone he could manipulate, hence portraying his hunger for power. The way he and Ling perceive the demon conveys the difference in their characters.

“I provide, they receive. And the instant I can’t provide any more, they turn on me like a pack of wolves.” I always enjoy paths that link to one another. In the other branch, Ling mentioned it wasn’t clear who betrayed whom; this line makes it clear. I find it refreshing that there’s no real ‘lesser of the two evils’—both the demon and corrupt servants are presented as two equally bad sides.

Back to the main path, or what I assume is the main one: it ends with a parallel to the start! Once again, the protagonist wakes up to the sight of a concerned face staring down at him (similar to what happened when he awoke in Miss Anne’s cottage). I like full circle moments. And Ling being happier that her voice is no longer enchanted portrays her character’s lack of corruption. Unlike the others, she doesn’t crave power or the ability to control others.

Once again, we have a reference to the crimson spires collapsing and tumbling one by one, juxtaposing them as a symbol of power earlier. It’s similar to how the servants were killed, one at a time, then the demon at the end. It’s a pretty good ending, having the line “I’m tired of the cold” as another reference to the recurring motif. Whilst this seems like the true ending (unless I missed something), the parents plotline doesn’t seem to exist anymore. Wasn’t saving them the protagonist’s goal? It was the only reason the protagonist heeded the demon’s calls. Although I read the author’s notes and discovered the memories were fabrications by the demon, that part seemed to be swept under the rug as it isn’t really explained at the end.

The revelation about the Red Church’s backstory seemed like a midpoint plot twist, or perhaps even the start of the second act. But within a few scenes—albeit good ones—the story ends. Maybe it’s because I was enjoying the story and didn’t want it to finish so soon, but the demon was extremely powerful so it felt kind of anticlimactic for the protagonist to somehow just regain control of his body and kill him. I would have liked to see more; this story has a brilliant setting, amazing political structure and magic system, and lots of interesting worldbuilding details. It felt as if it was building up towards a larger story. In fact, I’d even say it could be turned into an epic where the protagonist goes around to different red churches, killing the servants one by one. He could find out more about the demon messing with his memories and once the others are killed, there’ll be a showdown between the two of them. Still, as it stands, this is a spectacular story and well worth a read.

TL;DR

I highly recommend this story. It was well-written, immersive and had an entertaining storyline.

This was a good story with interesting themes and a nice creepy atmosphere. It could have benefited from more branching but I enjoyed the story, which had a good amount of world-building and foreshadowing. A good and well-written story.

Great game, Peng! I was surprised to see that the last choices options were ironically switched, but because of that it was my favorite part of the story! I do, however, wish there were some more branching and not so many one-choice pages.

Great story! Well done.

I enjoyed this story, and thought that the concepts were well thought out and executed. The main character was interesting and had a great backstory. There was a good amount of branching in the narrative, and these choices seemed to really effect the direction of the story. The mystery of figuring out what was going on was handled pretty well, and I found myself wishing to explore to figure everything out.

Perhaps the only criticism I have is that for me, this story seemed to have a lot going on, and would probably benefit from being longer to explore some of those themes better. Things such as the voice in his head, the search for his parents, the relationship between the churches and the townsfolk, etc., seemed like they were resolved just a little too quickly, and might be more effective if they were allowed to simmer in the readers minds a bit longer.

Overall though, very well done and definitely recommended. Thanks Peng.

The horror elements and worldbuilding regards the titular Red Church are very well done. I liked the twists in the plot as well and liked the dark, creepy atmosphere.

The story is a little bit short with most of the branching paths just leading to negative, abrupt endings. I would have liked to see more of an epilogue after the good ending I found, but the fact that the main story wraps up concisely is more than good enough.