Just A Doll
Love & Dating
"Too few ratings to be ranked"
played 555 times (finished 31)
"walk in the park"
"Not going to lose any sleep"
"I'll need to see some identification"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 16. If this were a movie, it would probably between PG-13 and R.
It's hard seeing the one you love descend into madness.
Quite a short description, but that’s fine. It might help to get more readers with a little more on the description page. At least, that’s how I view that page – as an opportunity to draw readers into the story and hopefully get them interested – sort of like the back cover of a book in the store (is that still a thing?)
Quick comment on the very first page – the title. Would it make more sense for that to have a question mark at the end? In the first sentence, I get the setting and tone. I like the first person. I’m a little confused by approaching the clearing by following cords, but after reading it a couple times, I get it. I wonder if that would be better with those ideas reversed: follow the cords towards the clearing. I’m also not sure on the limp. When I read the first sentence, in my mind he was just walking along. But now he has a limp. Once again, I wonder if those would be better reverse – showing that he has a limp as soon as he is shown walking so that’s not a surprise later.
I’m a little confused with the scene with the ghosts. I guess it’s clear that the visitor can see the ghosts, but I was starting to get the feeling that the visitor though that Plummet was crazy. However, if the visitor can see the ghosts too, it sounds like just an average day in the forest with ghosts. I’m also a bit off with the ghosts and the extension cords, but that’s just my mind trying to sort things out. At the same time there’s apparently a boy with a dress. That’s just adding to my confusion on this initial scene. Minor typo, maybe: “I had too many nightshade.” Could that be “I had too much nightshade?”
Good setup for the story. I’m not sure on the next page. This sets up a pathways with choices, but these are really false choices. After all, you have to select them all to proceed. If there’s no effect on the story, why are there choices? It is nice to have choices, but in this case each of those links could just be one page after another. You can still have the choices on the second page of each page that appear to affect the story. I do like the details and the story going on in each page after that page, and I like that your choices do have an effect on the story, and even on the “I…” page. It’s a little odd that sometimes the “I remember” choices become inactive, but other times they don’t.
Overall it’s a nice story, though yes, it is a bit odd and insane. I like the changes that appear based on your choices, especially with the starting over bit. I think I found all endings, which is fun. Thank you for sharing this with the world.
on 5/4/2018 1:55:41 PM with a score of 0
This story... That is awesome! Absolutely amazing storyline! I love how when you say 'start over', you literally start over again! That's very clever! I don't know if there's endings, but I got the ending where Plummet gets angry with red text. This is an awesome story game, you have a very creative mind!
on 3/6/2018 5:03:57 PM with a score of 0
This was quite interesting, and good for a first story. Tip of the hat for doing actually research, I do that too. (Shameless story-plugging FTW)
Anyway, I did notice a few grammatical errors, but nothing so big it detracted from the story. I also noticed that you have a specific way of writing, and I like it. I wanna see more form you.
Good work here!
on 1/31/2018 5:44:05 PM with a score of 0
Sheesh, another doll story?
on 1/28/2018 9:51:10 PM with a score of 0
Somehow I understood it all... and I felt it. That's amazing storytelling.
on 1/14/2018 3:10:00 AM with a score of 0
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