The Snake Fiasco

Player Rating3.65/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"
based on 66 ratings since 05/04/2014
played 485 times (finished 64)

Story Difficulty1/8

"no possible way to lose"

Play Length5/8

"Not going to lose any sleep"

Maturity Level1/8

"appropriate for all ages"
Stories with this maturity level will not, by design, have any potentially objectionable content. An example of a type story with this rating would be a quiz on mathematics.

Tags

In this story you will take the place of a young high schooler. You are a freshman going to your first day of school. You are a confident freshman, who is just slightly nervous about your first day of school. You are terribly afraid of snakes. This story shows how 6 big decisions could lead to 24 different endings. That's right you can read this 24 times and get a different ending each time, depending on your decisions.

Player Comments

I don't really see the point of any of this. What's the point of the story? Why did you write it? A good story needs something to keep the reader being exactly that: a reader (even if only for the 3000 words you wrote).
What I'd suggest you need is some conflict! A tragic death, an epidemic of savage werewolves, a horrible bully... something other than a snake. There needs to be either a plot or an idea or a character to grip the reader and make them think 'yeah! I need to find out what's going to happen' or 'right, I really need to think about what choice I'm going to make'. I'm not a fan of the whole school thing, though if you're deadset on writing about school (though I'd have thought this site would be an escape for most kids), then maybe try to mix it up with some strange premise or character. I don't know, a school in a completely different culture of aliens, or perhaps something a little more conventional like a school with a big antagonist the MC hates.

You're writing style needs a little work, though there was some decent description of the snake. It's a little 'You do this... You do that'. An excerpt:
"You its dark black head and ivory green eyes. You jump and bolt without even a second look. You see their is a door to..." It's pretty evident once you read it out loud, so try doing that when you proof read. Also, there's an incorrect use of 'their'; you need the once I just used as your one implies possession.
Talking of proofreading, there were a few mistakes. Nothing too bad, but I wouldn't expect anything below 10000 words that's had any real effort put into it to have any spelling mistakes, if not syntax and grammatical ones. For example:
"You are running while yelling no at the top of your lungs." You need to put 'no' in speech marks, or preferably have it separate from the description because it sounds a little eugh running in the middle of the sentence.
I also thought there was some weird wording. For example:
- "You see it sharing its venom with you." What, like some lunch? What a thoughtful snake! Maybe something along the lines of this would be better: 'As the snake's fangs puncture deep into your forearm, your scream rings out sharply. Thrashing, you dislodge the creature as the venom works deep into your veins.' Sure, that's probably a bit more graphic than what you were going for, but you need something a bit more exciting here.
"...seeing the snake prancing." I don't think snakes really... prance?
"He hold of a odd contraction..." I'm not really sure what this actually means, but it's almost certainly bad wording seeing as I can't actually understand the words.

Still, keep working at it! I just think the whole school genre is a little dull personally. It's certainly not the worst I've seen and there's always time to improve so don't worry about it, even if my criticism might sound a bit harsh!
2/8
-- AzBaz on 6/19/2017 1:05:00 PM
It is an alright story though snakes were largely absent from it, some foreboding signs and hints of what is to come would have added tension (Snakes on a Plane has good ideas for this). My favourite part is your blurb in which you told a community of people who are here because they enjoy reading and writing story games exactly what a story game was :) Even among the general public I suspect it's not such a novel idea now but it's good to see your level of enthusiasm :D Overall I quite enjoyed this and the writing was good.
-- Will11 on 11/9/2014 11:37:13 PM
OK. Kind of humdrum.
-- Quorrah on 12/24/2016 6:09:03 PM
Boring.
-- madmax on 6/23/2016 3:56:04 PM
I suppose I should be happy it's a school-based story is that's not linear.
-- AllThatIsGold on 1/10/2016 5:37:17 PM
Many grammatical errors
-- atmosbolt on 11/10/2015 4:34:20 PM
Boring. I could've fallen asleep after the first page. Please improve or unpublish this.
-- Creature on 4/17/2015 3:39:29 AM
Good gamr liked that there was a storyline along with it and you told us a little bit about the character so we could kinda act as if we were them. Thanks!
-- kylebucnner on 4/16/2015 7:32:35 PM
I'm surprised that, after being published for almost a year, this game has only three comments.
-- jamescoker1226 on 4/4/2015 11:14:02 PM
I played through all the possible choices. It was a really good game. I don't see why you get paralyzed in a body part sometimes though. I like some of the endings though. Overall it was a really good story.
-- warriorcats64 on 2/10/2015 9:56:54 PM
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