4/18/2022

5/7/2022 4:27 PM

8

0

0 wins / 0 losses

Warden

Dead Woman’s Child

unpublished

Years have passed since the Retopia General came to restore peace and order to a damaged world. The start was rocky, to say the least, but now Earth is a utopian world with enough resources for everyone... however, as is the case with all science fiction stories, this "perfection" comes at a cost.

Thanks for your help. I'll definitely use it when I rewrite it for the story.

Here, I'll try to explain what's happening so you can help me get that point across, even though it IS supposed to be a "what's going on here" moment that you figure out as you read. Actually, it's modeled after one of my favorite books. After a scene in "Matched" by Ally Condie.

The Retopia General is a potential oligarchy attempting to overtake the world after it has descended into virtually The Purge. All that's left of humankind is gathered before them to protest, hence the woman and her child. They are prone to violent outbreaks because of being raised in a lawless and anything-goes environment. Fighting breaks out because of their heightened emotions and predescribed violent tendencies. 

Eventually, the riot gets out of hand, with one of the mob brandishing a gun. They pull the trigger randomly, perhaps even accidentally, and it hits the mother of the child. 

Though I think the idea of it being from her perspective is intriguing.

It’s a prologue- not to introduce characters, but to set the tone. The actual story has characters and that kind of thing, but not this part. It just gets i in your head that the Retopia General are actually the bad guys, or at least not great, before the main character of the story tries to tell you they’re wonderful and the saviors of mankind. Does that make any kind of sense?

Lol, no. Is there any way you could help me make it better? Maybe less gay?

Cringey troll, for sure. And thanks!

Sorry, it was the first image I had that fit. And no. I don’t even know who that person is

Hi there. I know most of you already, but some of you are actually new to me. It’s been awhile. I’ve matured. My old account(s) are banned (not a good sign, I know), so this username is different. Obviously. If I seem familiar to any of you or you care enough to do any actual digging to see who I was, I’m just gonna say right here that I’m not like that anymore. I swear. Anything new in the last year? I looked for a contest to enter and found that I was just slightly too late. Darn. It’s fun catching up on some new conversations in the threads, and I’m looking forward to reading the newest big time hits in the story game world. I’m even trying to leave reviews and maybe succeed at writing a story myself. Be a contributing member, for once. In summary, hello again!

“Humankind will never change!” came the first shout. Instantly, thousands of voices began screaming, as if this one person had pulled the cork keeping all their opinions inside… “This is ludicrous!” “We have rights!” “You can’t do this!” “It’ll never work!” so on and so forth, late into the night. Eventually, the fighting began, as the Retopia General knew it would. They knew humanity like no other, every impulse, every thought. They knew it, and they had created a solution. Now they awaited the inevitable realization and submission. BANG! The sound rang out over the crowd. Some jumped at the noise, startled, while others froze in terror. “Mommy! Mommy!” the voice of a small child cried out. “Mommy, no!” Suddenly, the fighting ceased as the crowd realized what they had done. The Retopia General, every member, watched with smug smiles as the people backed away in revulsion. There, in the middle of them all, was a young woman bent over on the ground, her child next to her, a little boy with dark hair matted with his mother’s blood and bright green eyes overtaken with tears. “Mommy…” he said, shaking her shoulder. A bullet lay deep and deadly near the center of her chest. The crowd seemed to hold its collective breath as they waited for the young woman to open her eyes, to talk to her child and show the world she was not dead, they had not killed her. She never did… she never would. As the crowd slowly dissipated, the only noise heard was the heartbroken sobs of the dead woman’s child.