Hello everyone! I am challenging CYS members to write a short adventure story.
It can be in any setting you like! It can involve the explorer we all know and love (and who also wears a wig)!
Just try and boost your imagination to the top and start writing!
Now is sort of a bad time. We already have a more fun way to do this exact thing. Wait for the holiday festivities to be over and get back to us.
OK.
This was very interesting, and it had a sort of creepy ending. I definitely did not expect or predict it to go like that. I'll give some feedback, ranging from the story to the grammar.
Your grammar was pretty good! There were a few things that were phrased very awkwardly though, and I am not sure if they were typos or not:
- Does spit shatter or splatter? I get that it is thick, but I imagine shattering as a solid breaking into pieces. His phlegm wasn't solid was it? Actually, probably best not to answer... this was gross anyway. Not sure what the point was of including this, unless you wanted to drive home that he was dehydrated from his travel.
- "a weary tone of great wisdom" sounds strange to me. Wisdom doesn't have a tone does it? Maybe it does, but this didn't add much for me. I would have left it at a weary tone.
- "splinters" to me are pieces of wood embedded in your body. I would call small pieces of wood in a box "wood chips," but maybe that is just me.
- when the explorer turned away you state, "He done this not to hide the..." seems to me like a typo meaning to read, "He did this to hide..."
As for small grammar mistakes, I think a few commas were missing:
- "Beyond is the faintest light of flickering yellow escaping around the edges of a thin-wood curtain..." I think a comma needs to follow "yellow" here.
There was also some repetition. The sentence above this starts with "Beyond" and the paragraph two down from that also starts with "Beyond." Seems like you could use a synonym there (and in a few other spots where words felt worn out). Nothing was major though.
Now for the story, there were just a few things:
- The description of the passage was vague and strange. "As wide as a window is thick" is pretty thin... oh wait, it's actually the width of a window that is "layered, and boosted a decent gap between said layers." This isn't clear and isn't something that helps me envision a space. I mean, you could compare it to a common small space that people actually might have crawled in. Something like, "the tunnel was no wider than the crack between the wall and the couch were the explorer dropped the T.V. Remote last week. He almost got stuck retrieving that remote, and he was nearly pinned in place in the small corridor." You get the idea. Your other analogies and descriptions were all pretty good though! Just this one was... strange.
- Why wait so long to reveal the explorers name? I like how you did it, but he is "the explorer" for so long, then just casually drops his name. You could have added it to the first sentence. "The explorer from Thinrik, [insert name here], gathered up..."
- Why is he gathering up fluids in the first sentence? That sounds strange... is he clearing his throat and then spitting? Is he severely dehydrated from traveling and trying desperately to wet his throat? I don't know, it just was a weird start. So much emphasis put on something that didn't really matter or tell us much. With the theme going on, I thought we were going to find out he was infected with some disease... but he was just spitting...
That's all I have time for. I hope it helped! It was a creative piece and I liked the twists half way through and near the end! I would be interested to hear more about this community, the main characters motivations, and the mission in general! Overall, nice work!
I appreciate the feedback, it helps get a much better perspective on things.
I think word choice in general is something I'll need to start paying more attention to. The repetition is something I find most common in second person with 'you', so I probably just hoped that because I wasn't writing in second person, I wouldn't have to worry about it. Whoops.
As for the weird name drop, thinking about it, I'd say it is two fold:
As for this section:
The explorer looks over his shoulder, back the way he came. He done this not to hide the disappointment that sprouts upon his face, but rather to think on how futile this long journey has just become.
It was originally as you mentioned, with him turning around for both reasons. I later ended up changing it (or trying to) so that it would only be for one reason. I should restructure it a bit for this to be clearer.
As for the praise of liking the twists, well, prepare for disappointment! Jokes aside, the story is not done yet. I will say that viewing this part as the whole thing can still be done, what with the death of the author and all that, but what makes it interesting to me is seeing if the story ends up better or worse when the other parts are added (obviously, I would hope for better, but I have some fears).
However, the following parts do get longer, so I won't ask you to read them. However, if you do, feel free to just leave a verdict on if you preferred it before or after the story was expanded. This applies for everyone else too.
I forgot to mention it in my opening post, but I have the other parts written (as I felt it'd allow for a more coherent story if I could proofread it all together). Anyway, I mention this now because I will continue to refer to the wood as splinters (for continuity's sake). However, thinking about it, I should've probably described them a bit better... ah, it'll be fine.
Also, regarding some of the things you said you weren't sure about being typos or not, that 'style' (or whatever) of phrasing does get toned down (going by my perception anyway). We'll see if the other parts end up reading better or not though, as I might've just gotten more used to it by then. Everything should be proofread about the same, so I'm curious to see if the quality is consistent.
TL;DRThanks for reading, and big thanks for the feedback!
No problem! I will likely read them as they come out!
It is an element from my older writing style. I remember feeling obligated to not name drop characters outside the world. How would the reader just know their name? No, they'll know when it is mentioned. This obviously has some problems.
I think this makes sense depending on the point of view. If it is first-person, and I am the main character, then I should know my name at the start. If it is third-person, your method is better. If I know a character's thoughts, knowing their name isn't a stretch though.
Do things your own way! There are all just my thoughts! I enjoyed it!
I unwatched this thread. That was a big mistake.
I'm ready to read all these submissions. And, damn, there is a lot.
Exploration, explorers, uncharted territories, and untold adventures, most people think these are things of the past. Today there is a map for every island, cave, continent, and city. Nothing is left for explorers to find, or so they say: panels of experts that fail to see the truth.
Covid-19 shuts the world down, closing boarders, grounding airplanes, forcing quarantines, killing exploration further. Still, one explorer has a wide smile and neck for adventure. Only the truly great find a way to explore in these difficult times; they find ways to do what others find impossible.
With a smile spread from ear to ear, AestheticLlama pulls the brim of her pith helmet down so that it shows beneath the top hat covering it. "Where shall we go today?" she asks herself as her computer makes a sharp pinging noise, indicating it has started booting up.
Light flashes across AestheticLlama's face, casting a shadow over her eyes. Her top hat makes her shadow look like a large black dragon is curled up against the wall. Moving with speed and precision that comes with repetition, she opens the web browser and lands on the CYS homepage.
"Ah, that Shadowdrake27 wrote another pointless forum post..." she said, checking her request for a grand adventure story. "Well, I can ignore that..." She moves on to another thread containing short stories themed to match the pandemic spreading in the world. "Nothing food here either..."
Clicking on several links reveals nothing of interest, until she sees it. A notification alerted her about a post in a random thread titled "The Adventures of a Certain Llama." Clicking the link, AestheticLlama hastens to read the words that sprawled across the page; she doesn't notice that the shadow cast by her top hat had begun to move.
As she reads the last paragraph, the jaws of the shadow dragon snap shut, swallowing the Llama whole. Screams escape her mouth, but they are drown out by Shadowdrake27's laughter. AestheticLlama suddenly appears in a monastery deep in the mountains.
(Click the link and write a review to find out what happens next: http://chooseyourstory.com/Story/Unbroken.aspx)
Note: post comment here since I will not be notified when you actually comment.
Welp, I'm dead.
An excellent story, by the way! I seem like the type of person who would kill someone in an instant, think that I'm powerful, and get defeated. Poor little llama me.
A daily task turned into an adventure! Love it!
I am glad you enjoyed it! If you actually read the story and comment, then I will continue writing you bits of story.
Also, it is hilarious that you stopped watching your own thread!
The reason why is because I thought no one would actually participate. Boy, I was wrong.
It was a safe assumption... we are overachievers though.