So, about a year ago I made a post asking for lots of sexual innuendos for a song I was writing, and finally, that song (or at least the first draft of it) is complete.
Story: One of the characters in the novel that I'm working on dreams of becoming a bard. He is a very mature and sophisticated young man and has written an extremely wholesome song about a woman and her pet donkey... You can guess where the is going:
I might do a few rewrites as I think it has a few too many verses and too many of them focuss on the word "ass" and I'd like to get a few other innuendos in there. Some melons or jugs, a man who blows pipes, a cute little pussy, maybe? That said, I am relatively happy with the song as it is right now, so, enjoy!
The Maiden and the Ass
One day I met a homely maid, the plainest girl you’d see.
But the lady owned a donkey, that was pretty as can be.
Its mane was tied in ribbons, and its horseshoes made of brass.
“My dear,” said I, “I must declare, you’ve got a lovely ass.”
She had a lovely ass.
She had a lovely ass.
T’was such a shame, her face was plain,
But she had a lovely ass.
“My thanks,” said she, “I do agree, my donkey is most grand,
We’re performers in a traveling show that tours across the land.
Why don’t you come and watch our show, I don’t mind in the least.
Come walk with me, and while we talk, I’ll let you stroke my beast.”
She let me stroke her beast.
She let me stroke her beast.
Her mane was fine, with a glossy shine,
She let me stroke her beast.
Quite soon we reached the circus and I watched the maiden’s act,
She’d trained the mule to jump and dance while she rode on its back.
The crowd burst out into applause, so eagerly we clapped,
In all my life I never thought an ass could move like that.
An ass could move like that.
An ass could move like that.
The crowd all screamed, they’d never dreamed,
An ass could move like that.
I gave the maid my compliments, told her I was in awe,
We took the donkey to her shed when the maid slipped in the straw,
And so I reached to catch her by the arm without delay,
But I fell too and just like that, we were rolling in the hay.
We were rolling in the hay.
We were rolling in the hay.
A childish pair without a care,
We were rolling in the hay.
I asked if she could use a humble juggler in her troupe,
And so the maiden welcomed me into her little group.
She coaxed me into teaching her, right there in the donkey’s stalls,
And so I gave instruction while the maid played with my balls.
The maid played with my balls.
The maid played with my balls.
She had no skill, but we both laughed still,
While the maid played with my balls.
That night she introduced me to her comrades in the show,
Big Jack who drove the pack horses, and the strong man, Mighty Joe.
Roxanne, the bearded woman, though I think her beard was fake,
And Old Sanjit the snake charmer, who tamed the one eyed snake.
He tamed the one eyes snake.
He tamed the one eyed snake.
It lost an eye, I’m not sure why,
He tamed the one eyed snake.
There was a man named Ben with not a hair upon his head,
He owned a parrot that he taught to sing to earn his bread.
I pet the bird, but it escaped and took off to the sky.
Poor Ben did weep, I felt so bad, I made the bald man cry.
I made the bald man cry.
I made the bald man cry.
I lost his pet, I do regret,
I made the bald man cry.
The show had many beasts but still, I loved the donkey best,
I spoiled her with peanuts, though the maiden did protest.
“Ease of the treats, you’ll make her fat, they’ll go straight to her guts,”
And then, before I could object, the maiden grabbed my nuts.
The maiden grabbed my nuts.
The maiden grabbed my nuts.
I spoiled her so, they had to go.
The maiden grabbed my nuts.
One night I got it in my head to tame that noble steed,
But when I climbed up on her back, she ran off at full speed.
I wrapped my arms around her neck and clung with all my might,
That savage beast could not be tamed, I rode that ass all night!
I rode that ass all night.
I rode that ass all night.
She would not stall, she would not stop,
I rode that ass all night.
The donkey finally made her way back to her humble shack,
The maiden sighed and shook her head when she saw me on its back.
“Get off my mule, you crazy fool,” the maid did scowl and scoff,
But I was frozen stiff with fear, she had to toss me off.
She had to toss me off.
She had to toss me off.
She threw me down upon the ground,
She had to toss me off.
The others laughed when I told them how fast the donkey ran.
Jack said, “No mule could ever run as fast as my horse can.”
The maiden firmly disagreed, so Jack said, “Listen lass,
Lets race our beasts, and this I swear, I’m going to beat your ass.”
I’m going to beat your ass.
I’m going to beat your ass.
Your donkey doesn’t stand a chance,
I’m going to beat your ass.
At eight a clock we gathered round to watch that thrilling race,
But Jack was nowhere to be seen, no not a single trace.
For half an hour we waited till he rode around the bend,
When he arrived, the maid declared, “’E Jack, yer late my friend!”
‘E Jack, yer late my friend.
‘E Jack, yer late my friend.
You made me wait till half past eight,
‘E Jack, yer late my friend.
The race was close but in the end, the donkey took the crown,
The maiden celebrated but poor Jack could not get down.
His foot stuck in the stirrup, it would not come out by force,
We had to work together while we helped Jack off the horse.
We helped Jack off the horse.
We helped Jack off the horse.
Eventually, his foot came free,
We helped Jack off the horse.
The maid and I soon fell in love, so we saved what coin we could,
Till one day we could buy a house with a barn made of redwood.
We took the donkey to the barn, the maiden said “Come here,
This fine stable is your new home. Come in, my ass, my dear.”
Come in my ass, my dear.
Come in my ass, my dear.
Come in this warm and cozy barn,
Come in my ass, my dear.
And so I asked the maiden if she’d be my lovely wife,
She answered yes and ever since, I’ve lived a happy life.
One day our children asked us how our marriage came to pass,
I told them how I met their Ma’, all ‘cos I loved her ass.
All ‘cos I loved her ass,
All ‘cos I loved her ass,
And still we live in wedded bliss,
All ‘cos I loved her ass.
