Don't take any of this shit seriously... You might get offended, and then the mods would get all pissed at me for offending you because you told them you were offended because you took this shit seriously, and that would fuck up everyone's shit, wouldn't it?
So,I hear you want to know the real Greek mythology on only the deepest of historical accounts and stuff?
Here it is.
So first, there was nothing but the abyss, and out came these different thingies, even though there was nothing there at all except nebula guts, so they insist, there were still these landform things that came out of the abyss... Please don’t apply any logic to that. So when these landform thingies finished coming out of the abyss, they started making all these evil space rivers. So one of these space-river things was called Niflheim, and it was all cold. And due to the fact that there were no impurities in the water for it to crystalize on, there wasn’t any ice in the river, so the water decided that in order to turn into ice, it would have to find impurities by going into outer space. So that’s where it went in the form of a river.
And then there was Muspellsheim, where it was all fiery and stuff, like if you’ve walked through the portal during the first part of saving Kvatch in Oblivion, except with more fire and stuff. Anyway, the fire there was poisonous, but fire-proof armor wasn’t invented yet making the poison useless. So the fire decided that in order to find some entity that had fire-proof armor to provide some challenge to it, it would have to go to space, even though there wasn’t any oxygen in space, but it went there in the form of a river. And so the two rivers ran into each other and had a really epic battle until the explosion somehow turned into a sentient enitity who was more intelligent than the fire and the water combined.
And so the first thing he did was kill himself so he could turn into a mass of rock and dirt with gasses floating around it. Unfortunately, his death was permanent, and no future references to Norse mythology would ever be made by the Greeks again. And so, suddenly the gasses and the rocks woke up. The rocks’ name was Geovanni, which was weird because it was a girl, and the gasses didn’t have a name, but Geovanni saw that in the future, he would be a total jerk, so she combined the words “urine” and “anus” and called him Uranus for the rest of his days. But eventually Maxwell’s Demon did some weird math thing and made the arrow of time glitch out, making her future-seeing powers null and void, and from that point on, the only things on earth that would be able to see the future were people who lived in the big temple at Delphi and smoked illegal stuff in order to go into trances and speak gibberish. (Similar techniques were tried in America and other places on a large scale during the 60s).
So eventually Geovanni and Uranus got married and attempted to have kids. The first result was a bunch of really big, muscular, and powerful dudes. They enjoyed doing blacksmith work and farming sheep. Unfortunately, Uranus thought they were ugly and flawed because they only had one eye in their heads, and so he threw them all in the biggest hole he could find. These first children were the Xenomorphs. (You couldn’t POSSIBLY have thought I was talking about Cyclopes could you?)
Geovanni felt bad for the Xenomorphs, and so she self-impregnated in order to create a race that he would think was perfect. They had blond hair and blue eyes and their faces were slim, and Uranus thought that was great. Geovanni secretly hired the strongest one to jump Uranus’s sorry… Nevermind, bad joke, everyone… But still, she hired the strongest one to jump Uranus… Still sounds like a bad joke… ANYWAY, the strongest one, who was named Prometheus because he was pro enough to beat the living crap out of Uranus, (I apologize for the third time, but I never thought I could make many jokes with that name…) threw Uranus up into the air so high that it took him several bajillion years to come back down. When he finally got back to earth, he went by the name of Adolph Hitler.
Prometheus married his sister and had kids, which he ate. After a while, his sister, (and who could blame her) got all mad and decided she would hide his secret stash of pepto bismol. Prometheus had a severe condition meaning that if he didn’t have anything coating his digestive system, not only would he get heartburn, but he would vomit profusely, and so, Prometheus made sure that he would drink entire bottles of pepto in order to keep him from getting an upset stomach. After eating his most recent child, Prometheus went to fetch a quick drink. When he found that the pepto bismol was not there, he yelled several things at his wife which I am too merciful to say, as it would embarrass him very much.
That was when his wife gave him a drink of melted bubble gum instead to trick him, and that was the final straw. Prometheus puked all over the place and the hormones in his body caused all of his kids to be fully grown, making it like kidney stones for the asophagus. And since he didn’t chew, the adult Olympian gods came right out from inside of him alive and struggling, causing him to die in the process. And so, to this day, light-skinned babies still look pink when they’re born and human parents still nag their children about chewing food well. So they all went up onto a mountain and turned into the Olympian gods.
There was Santa Clause, the god of flying, snow, and elves, Chuck Norris, the god of war and death, and Bruce Lee, who was also the god of war and death and of being able to kick Chuck Norris’s glutes. Another god was Simon Lane, who was the tallest and strongest of all the dwarves in the world and wielded a mighty hammer that commanded lightning and weather, therefore he was the god of hammers and CLEARLY not a reference to Norse mythology OR the god of thunder. And then there’s Batman, who was the god of, you guessed it, ducks, alcohol, potatoes, and Russian alcohol made with potatoes.
The “Big three” as Percy Jackson fans would know them as and clearly can guess who I’m going to introduce next, were Cthulhu, Jesus, and Morgan Freeman. Cthulhu was the god of the sea, and he wielded a magical staff that had indescribable and otherwise unholy things carved onto it that would make anyone who looked at it go bonkers and hang themselves. He could also do really cool stuff with water and physics and non-Euclidean geometry. Jesus was the god of the sky, and therefore he was the king of all of the other gods. And of course we can’t forget Morgan Freeman, who is the god of standing in bright light and wearing white clothing.
Then some whiny bastard children who thought the gods were stupid enough to hook up with their ugly mothers made some silly little club and teamed up with inbred horse-people and goat dudes, results of furries banging their pets, and tried to use magic. They called it Camp Half Blood.
