Started out just bitching about his mic… But then I realized there was more to this that I could be complaining about, so I did. I felt it would be twatty to just say I hated it without properly explaining why. As a man of refined tastes, I have to hate things for precise reasons! I’m not just a filthy haterer like you lot! You didn’t even watch the whole video! You scum! How can you tell whether you like it or not without watching the entire video!? How can you tell whether or not you like this work of art, for example, without watching the entire thing!? Without knowing all that is or isn’t wrong with it!? You’re all just haters! FILTHY HATERS! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS TO BE ‘GOOD’ OR ‘BAD’! There’s no taste here! Absolutely none!
Alas, I have to be the voice of reason around here. The guardian of good taste, as always. Here I am, going to watch the entire video, and give you my honest, 100% blind opinion.
Hello, gentle-readers, my name is SEEEN-tinel, *Airfist* and welcome to Let’s Watch: Sir WhatthefuckIV doing that thing with the screen-camera. LET’S GET THIS SHIT STARTED, I HAVE AN ENTIRE FUCKING HOUR TO GO!
First off… GAT JEEZUMS, that mic has no business having town-crier impressions spat into it, least of all at that volume! My headphones, my precious headphones! I could practically feel the speakers rattling on that one! There’s a reason that low-budget youtubers don’t ham it up until they can get a good sound system going, and that reason is precisely this! You raped my ears! How dare you! It’s not like I tried to do that exact thing to everybody else a few paragraphs ago or anything! Agh, the voice is mildly okay. I’d say it’s about as good as my Bane impression (which always morphs into a British, chicken-voiced Bill Cosby at some point or another) so tenouttaten on that front, but holy fuck, the mic makes it hell to listen to.
And then… He starts talking about commas. Uh, o-kay? Alrighty then... I guess that’s something you could do... Thanks for letting me know what the third comma is called, I guess? It’s just… Not particularly remarkable, but we have time enough for remarkable things to happen. There’s still an hour or so of video to go. Thing is, I don’t understand why people think this particular thing, of all things, is douchey? I mean, it does give off a certain level of “Looking a gift horse in the mouth” vibes, but I’m sure if anyone here had a story written about them, they’d give their thoughts on the grammar too to give it a fair critique. I mean, it’s alright to stop and go off on this bizarre tangent if you like. I mean, let’s be honest here, a multiple-choice text-only quiz about a youtuber is really scraping the bottom of the barrel, as far as Let’s-Playing action goes. You have to do something, right?
No, Eldric, please! Don’t explain the joke. I’m sure your audience understands why that’s supposed to be funny. As the wise old Jew once told his buddies over a video game that I think had something to do with monkey balls, “Jokes are like frogs! You can dissect them and let everyone know how exactly they work, but they usually always die in the process.”
Such is true with this joke. It was mildly funny, up until you explained it. Don’t ever explain the joke, unless, for some reason, the explanation is ridiculous enough to be funnier than the joke itself, which it most certainly isn’t in this case. In fact, the explanation is horribly bland and disgustingly reasonable. It killed all the comedy that might have been in “Katie’s” speaker-raping voice. Hell, the entire joke could be that you don’t explain it. Sure, that crosses into the dreaded “Lolrandom” territory of shit-comedy from time to time, but a little bit of strange/random shit never hurt anyone. I mean, just look at Monty Python. Do you think they’d be half as funny, or considered the classic, comedic staples that they are today, if the reality in which their skits took place made sense? Of course they wouldn’t.
And he starts talking about commas again? Okay. See, the thing about comedy is, it comes from a sort of exaggeration, a shattering of an expectation. That’s the reason babies laugh at torn up paper. “Hah, that’s not something you usually/something you’re supposed to do with paper! What are you up to, you silly man?”
That’s why it was fine the first time. There was a funny. I mean, it wasn’t particularly funny, but I understood the joke. He was upset because that was his favorite comma. Alrighty, that’s fine by me… But then he goes and does it again, and there is no joke. He’s just complaining about the commas or lack thereof, and it’s not in any funny or ironic tone. It’s like when Flanders was introduced, where it was funny because he was making and setting up legitimate jokes about religion, but later on, it just became “Oh, he’s an uptight religious dude! Laugh at him, dammit!”. He’s flanderized himself! He’s flanderized himself into a comma buffoon in the first 2 minutes of this video… Oh dear god what have I done!? Have I really assigned myself to an hour of this shit!?
Ah, well… The Let’s watch must go on, for the sake of all these primitives on CYS and the internet at large. They need a wise shepard to guide them, to give them the correct, fully informed opinion that I will have when this video is finished. Thank the gods that the little lambs of the internet have a good man like me watching out for them. Where would CYS be without me going through the pain and trouble of sloughing through all this to make sure they’re saying the right things? Thank the gods I’m me!
Wait, what’s that on the horizon? Is that a silver lining I see!? What is it? I need it now!
“There’s no yes button, I only have a continue button…”
Ah, there we go. That was okey dorey! That was a joke that worked! I say, I rather enjoyed that bit of cheeky humor! I give it +0.5 Lol, since I didn’t actually laugh out loud. But believe me, I wanted to laugh! I wanted to laugh very badly, because I feel naturally inclined to like this video simply because everyone else is hating on it… But it’s very fucking difficult… But yes, you get +0.5 Lol. Now you only have -4.5 Lol! Sir Elton is working his way up! This is a fine effort, a real dark horse!
Aand straight back down to -5 Lol as we re-enter the magical world of minor grammaticisms…
Gods dammit, Sir Elron! Do you want more commas or not!? Not everyone can be a perfect comma-haver like you! As a large-comma’d womyn, I am upset and ashamed at the ridiculous standards you hold us to. You want more commas, but only if they’re in the right place? You do realize that it’s impossible to control the distribution of commas, right!? You either like commas, or you don’t like commas, dammit, and I won’t stand for the patriarchy tearing us down because our commas have been deemed unfashionable! Be proud of your commas, Katie! Don’t let this sexist scum bog you down with his systemic comma evil!
“Guy who doesn’t study for a major test and yet makes a perfect score and even gets the bonus question correct?”
Dayum. This is a man of skill! Clearly he’s a high caliber person with all us other people who don’t have to study for tests. Unlike the shameless, unwashed plebeians who make the dull, uninformed assumption that the video sucks without watching the whole thing first just to be sure…
And yes, your hear-ye-hear-ye voice is staying as consistent as can be expected from an experienced random-voice doer on some obscure corner of the youtubernetz. I really, really wish it were more inconsistent, because it sounds practically tinny, and wouldn’t at all be out of place in a wild west movie from the 30s, audio quality and all. I just really wish I didn’t have to hear it through headphones in a library…
God dammit, he said “Jackie Chan”. I have no idea where the reference was from, because as far as my experience with that show goes, that’s not even a memetic phrase, but he said “Jackie Chan”. Now I won’t be able to think of three things in a row that aren’t him for an entire week! You’re a diabolical monster, Sir Elkhorn!
Silver lining drives by again, though! He likes kittens! Well, so does Dr. Evil, but still…
Question 1:
Here we learn about Prime Numbers and squared numbers from Sensei Elvira IV. This lets us know that 9 is clearly the answer that sets itself apart from the rest. This is a legitimate test-taking strategy, the kind of shit that gets you through an entire major test and causes you to beat everything including the bonus question.
Waaiit a second… He didn’t 100% the impossible quiz or whatever it was, so he had to go back through and re-do it?... Is… Is that why this video is an hour long?... I suddenly feel very much abandoned by every god I’ve ever prayed to, for some strange reason…
Question 2:
You misogynistic bastard, what did I tell you about making fun of a womyn’s commas!? You’re systemically oppressing womyn with commas, and this has caused every paragraph-image and self-worth problem we have ever had to deal with! Stop it now! You’re going to give her a typing disorder! You’re a horrible Eldorf! At least Eldong II was polite about his taste in commas!
Wait a second… Number ninjas? Phewee, we’ve got a real Let’s Player here! This 30-something year old man-person plays number ninjas for your entertainment! I can’t… I can’t even think of something to say to that, holy shit… That’s just so hilarious in itself! He’s like the Jorji Costava of LP’s!
And Ninja or Nun is a game he’s played on his channel before?
Ninja or Nun.
Ninja or fucking Nun.
I feel the need to emphasize that this is the game he LP’s online for everyone’s entertainment. This is the exciting, edge-of-your-seat gameplay and content that he feels the need to cover… I mean, I get it, I understand if he’s a really funny guy, but… Thus far? He really, really, isn’t.
But that’s okay, maybe he’s just having a bad first 8 minutes. He has a good 55 minutes left to redeem himself!
Also, Katie, quick tip: If you don’t want to make an answer the obvious wrong choice, maybe don’t put the same fucking answer twice?
Question 3:
Here we learn that Sensei Eldor is actually a ninja. In true Ninja fashion, he doesn’t break into your house, rather, hides undercover for long periods of time in order to gain the trust of everyone around him! He has actually been cleverly pretending to be a let’s player this entire time! Though you could probably tell, if you paid attention, that Sir Elgin was actually trained his entire life to do something that was entirely different!
Or, at least, I hope he’s just a very good ninja, because he certainly isn’t a good Let’s Player, judging from this shit… Still, I’m sure this is not his best work. I’m gonna go see his playthrough of Nintama Rantarou, since that’s the one that introduced our resident fan to this channel…
NINTAMA INTERLUDE:
The microphone sounds even more like the inside of a tin can than Katie’s thing! He better not start using that damn voice… On second thought, I’d actually prefer the voice, since I have to turn it up to max volume in order to fucking hear what he’s saying, and I haven’t heard a more deadpan voice during an LP since DeceasedCrab, but at least that guy has actual witticisms and speaks clearly when he has something to say, rather than going on tangents about commas just to fill empty air.
Here he’s presented with a funny situation, he’s stuck at the title screen, but not only does he not think of something to say very well, but there’s not even the slightest hint of expression or intonation in his voice. What the hell!? I don’t know about you, but most people don’t watch Let’s Plays in order to hear people talk the way normal people talk when they play video games. They watch let’s plays because video games are entertaining to see, because the player is entertaining to listen to, because he/she can say something funny or add something new and/or interesting to the discussion on the game in question.
And then he starts doing an impression of Bipolar Mario, because that’s the closest thing he can manage to vocal expression. I assume this gets better with time, because it’s not as much of a problem in videos like the Sir AlGore Quiz by Katie, but if he’s only gotten better quality since now, I can only imagine how hellacious the rest of this video is going to be.
So yes, he drops the ball during comedic situations when they’re practically handed to him, and tries to create comedy despite the fact that there is no comedy to be had in the situations he has created for himself as he creates them.
Listen to these lines:
“Let’s kill the mole. You’re dead.”
“Eat the apples. Get the money.”
“Ergh.”
Imagine a very nasally Bruce Campbell from the Spiderman games reading these lines in complete monotone. That’s what happens. That’s what it sounds like. These lines, with the potential to be very entertaining, all slaughtered by a lack of hamminess. But he can’t be hammy, because his microphone sucks and sounds like satan’s asshole, but if he’s not hammy it’s not funny. It’s a vicious, vicious cycle that kills any entertainment value the video might’ve had. And he does his own sound effects, about twice as half-assedly as any Adam Sandler shitshow he’s ever done. Clearly he is a ninja assassin pretending to be a Let’s Player, waiting years and years for the day he’s finally able to get his own table at a comic convention so that he can kill one of the cast of Star Trek and bring the head back to his Daimyo. Somebody, hide Levar Burton, and fast!
Tenouttafourty-two. Would naht watch agin.
Anyway, back to the quiz text thingy.
Question IV:
Holy fuck. He’ has over 200 videos of flash game LPs on his channel? He needed two playlists!?
I understand that you’d watch him in you wanted to see parts of Nintama, or Kuroshi, or some obscure game that you don’t have and/or can’t find. That’s understandable. I’d sit through his voice in order to see him play a game I’d have no other way of experiencing. In fact, inoffensive and easy to ignore as it is, I’d rather prefer to watch a let’s play by him, because then I’d see more of the game and not have to deal with an LP’er.
But flash games!? What. The. Fuck… Can you not just google the game yourself!? Really!? Is this monotonous, cringey-voiced schmuck’s reaction really that interesting to watch? I gotta go watch his play-through of Ninja or Nun, then. I can’t believe that he’s entertaining enough to warrant upwards of 200 videos of fucking flash games…
Ninja or Nun review:
This shit should speak for itself…
Let’s just say, he’s about the same amount of boring, and he goes on and on like fucking Totalbiscuit about the Gui of this fucking flash game, except, as opposed to fuelling his comma fetish, he’s criticizing apostrophes.
This is horrible. Fucking horrible. I’m barely 12 minutes in and I’ve had to take 2 detours in order to fully express the sheer assness of this video. How will I ever finish this goddamn review!?
Question 5:
This question consists mostly of him spending a few minutes discussing how he made a playlist. Then he treats us to another fat lot of nothing new as he reads out the question in his thunderous, ear-ringing radio man voice.
Question 6:
Here, he gets one wrong. There’s nothing more remarkable about this…
Question 7:
In a thrillingly tense encounter, Elroy does battle with a mighty question that he doesn’t know exactly how to answer! I blame the fact that I’ve been sitting through his videos and writing about them for a little more than an hour for the fact that I thought there was anything even approaching tension in that segment of the video. I’ve been so deprived of real and proper entertainment for so long that I have no idea what tension is anymore… And I’m STILL only 17 minutes in! If Adolf Hitler had diarrhea, and then one of his syphillitic testicles fell off and sucked up all the fluid in the toilet, and that testicle was an Let’s Play, it would be this Let’s Play.
Question 8:
Really? Is Elgae gonna be this guy? Is he gonna be the guy that needs irony to be used “correctly” all the time? Is he that fucking guy!?... Oh Christ…
But, thankfully, since this had been perplexing me for the past 6 or so questions since I noticed he played Ninja or Nun as an unironic Let’s Play, I now know that he’s raking in views from all the kids who needed a walkthrough for the flash games, and he’s more or less cornered the market.
He’s also received a lot of “You’re stupid!” comments, which, honestly, I’m surprised he hasn’t had more of before, judging by how cancerous the youtube community is…
Question 9:
Do you remember the game “Save the Company?” No? Neither does he.
Now we learn that Sir Elvia is apparently a test/school faculty member? Or is he a ninja pretending to be a faculty member? Either way, it would explain some of his pedantics… Good on ya, Katie, for being good at distractors!
Also, he gets this one wrong, and announces it loudly, which really hurt my ears and my feelings.
Question 10:
OOOOH! A SUPER SPECIAL EXTRA QUESTION! I CAN ALMOST BEGIN TO REMEMBER WHAT EXCITEMENT FEELS LIKE!
He got an extra life for finding the Tankmun.
Question 11:
More “grammatics”. Also, you can get Steam updates from CYS? Holy shit, that’s practical…
But anyway, here he gets royally stumped, and loses the extra life he won. Shit was getting really down to the wire when suddenly… He got the right answer! And then he called Armorgames a cesspool. How cruel! What did Armorgames ever do to you, Eric!? What did armorgames even do in the first place!?
Question 12:
He didn’t play gravity duck blind, but it took a lot of mumbling that I tuned out for him to remember that… I’m just counting down the seconds until we get to the halfway point…
Question 13:
HE DIED! SHIT! Now we have to do all that over again! Now, it might have just felt like a really long time to me, because I’ve had an hour or so to write all this shit and a lunchbreak since I started, but I’m astounded that he managed to remember all the answers this long. This man is… A super rememberer… He has a Pornographic Memory, or whatever they call that thing that people have where it’s really easy for them to remember a thingy.
Sir Elram? More like Sir Eidetic!
Question 14:
After much clicking and him recalling his every answer out loud as he clicked through… We have to figure out which one of these games has a double jump. He got it wrong the first time, just saying that because that’s the only noteworthy thing that happened then. He doesn’t strike me as a very spontaneous person, nor a gifted speaker…
Question 15:
The same thing happens, except this time he fails twice and has to recite his answers again… Although now we get to sample some of his accents/characters. “Eissey Jo” seemed like an okay bit, but given this guy’s track record with mishandling potential, he probably wasn’t that good in practice. His “Kingly voice” didn’t sound that different from his normal voice, but maybe I’ve beeen listening to him trip his way through “Hear ye Hear ye” too long to tell his higher-volume speaker raping voices apart.
Question 16:
Finally, we come across something that he actually remembers things about! But then he gets it wrong anyway… Twice… And loses the game again… FUCK! I mean, it’d be forgivable if he said something witty or did something mildly entertaining other than continuing and repeating all his answers. His radio voice is so obnoxious and unpleasant to hear through that thunderous fucking mic that even he couldn’t be arsed to go through his video and edit out that shit? I’m tempted to play this at double speed to get this horseshit over with, but unfortunately it’s my responsibilty, as the righteous reviewer that I am, to experience this trash the way it was originally intended.
Question 17:
Hoo boy, now we’re really getting into the specific-ass questions. Again, Sir Limric loses the game on this one and we have to see him click through again… Ugggghhh…
Now, the first time that something remotely interesting happened in what feels like an hour, we get a brief monologue on how teaching works vs. how his brain and his pornographic memory work. This ninja is probably better at pretending to be a teacher than he is at pretending to be a let’s player, and despite all the actual facts and personal experiences he’s spewing at this point, you can tell that he’s just trying to cover his ass for revealing his true profession earlier.
He fucks up this question again. Hoo boy… Turns out, the answer was the last thing he expected it to be.
Question 18:
He has to guess between random numbers, a Ninja’s worst enemy, and then talks about how he was going to make his own quiz. Then he loses the game again, and gets it right on the first try next time around.
Question 19:
Just when I thought he was going to botch the game again, he gets it right. Then He talked for a while about how he couldn’t find Easy Joe 2. Ironically. There was irony in that story, I think. I don’t know, really, I just wanted to see if I could almost-but-not-quite-misuse irony.
Question 20:
I forgot how many questions it said it was in the beginning, but 20 is usually the archetypal number for a quiz like this. “20Q” is the classic game, right? I’m just praying that this will end so I can move on with my afternoon, for Gods’ sake!
Too bad he has to draw it out by failing the game again… Oh fuck, there’s still 20 minutes left. WHEN THE FUCK WILL THIS END!? PLEASE, GODS HAVE MERCY ON ME! I DON’T KNOW WHAT I DID! Did those Neo-Nazis not deserve to have their necks melted in with an overheated waffle iron!? I thought it was your just and righteous will!
“Everybody knows the answers now! You can play it with me!”
Yes, yes I do know it now, and how I fucking wish it weren’t true! Just cut to the credits, please, I beg you! I’ve spent two hours too many on this review!
The Quiz ends:
Oh yes, yes, finally! It’s over! It’s finally fucking over! It ended before it could sink any lower than -48.99 Lol!
Wait, why the fuck is there still more than 10 minutes left of this shit!?
The Prize section:
He reads a bunch of Lolcat pictures out loud. What the fuck even!? How is that supposed to be funny? The humor, albeit stupid, is already there in the pictures. Saying the words out loud doesn’t make them any funnier, it just makes you look like a pompous dick who thinks his voice is inherently funny.
This goes on for… I dunno, feels like 5 minutes. Sure, you can have 5 minutes, you’ve already taken so much time and sanity away already… +1 Lol for The Room reference, though. And another Lol for the remark about kitty kibble, I don’t give a fuck anymore, you’re already dug so far into the depths of shittiness…
Then there’s a bunch of screenshots… First of all, bad on Katie for putting all those things there, they have no inherent meaning and aren’t interesting at all, and bad on Sir Elian for… Actually, nevermind on that point, there wasn’t much that you could do at that point other than try to figure out which games they were all from, there wasn’t much you could do to make that interesting. What was the point!? What memories were you trying to evoke from that? What was he saying at that particular point in the video? I’m pretty sure you’re the only one who can remember why any of those frames were remotely significant, because he sure as hell can’t.
Then we get another prize: Another impossible bonus question… Ich... Again… I’m just glad he doesn’t have to re-answer all the questions if he gets this one wrong…
He spends forever figuring this one out. It’s not particularly interesting, so I’ll glaze over this one.
For beating that question, we’re rewarded with the opportunity to read one of his rants. It’s mildly interesting because he gets sort of angry and also explains a riddle to us, but… Something just feels wrong about having a rant be a reward. If you have a rant, you want to give it out for free, right? Spread the word? Sure, you might not necessarily want your name to be attached to it, but the reason we rant is because we want people to hear it. To go through all this bullshit just to hear the rant eliminates the purpose of having a rant to begin with! It’s stupid! Free the rants, Katie! Do not hold them back! The word of Sir ElCalliente must be spreaded!
Then he reads the developer’s notes. Which is… Okay, I guess. Just as much of a bore as the rest of the video.
Then this filthy twat has the GAUL to imply that Chooseyourstory has no idea what it’s talking about! IT KNOWS VERY WELL WHAT THE FUCK IT’S TALKING ABOUT, YOU MONSTER! HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE THAT IT DOESN’T! (+1 Lol, I’m beyond keeping track at this point…)
“Speaking now hurts, because I’ve been going for an hour.” Yes, and I’ve been listening for an hour, and I find now is as ripe a time as ever to shove ice picks in my listen-holes. Gat jeezums…
Now, 10 or so pages of venomous ranting over, I have some final thoughts to finish off this review with:
For Sir Elwood,
Your voice is a damn sight better than a lot of LP’ers out there, and you strike me as a guy who’s got interesting stories to tell. However, the longer I had to sit through your video(s), the more I grew to absolutely resent you. Your skills have improved markedly since the old vids, and I know everyone starts out being absolutely shit at everything. I’m sure when your improv skills have been given time enough to develop, and your audio system is better than your average CoD player, I may one day find your newgrounds playthroughs tolerable, or even enjoyable to listen to. Hell, even Jontron started out a little cringeworthy at times, and he has made private most of his less lusterous vids presumably out of embarrassment. Which is funny, because I still like those thrown-out videos better than the ones you’re currently uploading.
Nevermind that, though. Jontron has lived the internet media life for a long time and probably has more experience with live-ish comedy than you do, it’s only natural that someone with less practice would be worse at it. I’m sure you and your following will grow with time, which, again, I would be glad to see when all the hard work pays off.
For Katie:
That was a very well-put-together quiz, and it was very well-scripted. I only wish your time, scripting skills, and dedication were put into something more original and interesting than a quiz, especially a quiz about youtubers who aren’t very good at being youtubers.
TL;DR: The quiz, the channel, and the video were heinously anus, but I look forward to the days when the youtuber no longer sucks, and the quizmaker does something cool with her skillzz. Until then, I can offer nothing but more Gordon Ramsay criticisms with undertones of encouragement.
