Forums » Writing Workshop » Read Thread

I need help to add more to my story can someone read mine and give me ideas?

Add Spam. Spam always makes a story more tasty.

Put it on top some rice and wrap it in seaweed. Get that spam musubi boiiii...

Proofreading. Lots of it. I can't see your story (is it on sneakpeek?) but take another look at the description:

"just a game were you go on a camping trip. there are many ways to die that are just stupid so don't get mad if you die just go back.your goal is to survive camp beaver falls (there are no beavers so don't ask) there are three ways to win officially there is a minor win a major win and a total win! se if you can find them all! but I won't spoil it! have fun reading! it's a amazing story with quick pages and "

Please note the lack of capitals, bad grammar, and annoying asides to the reader.

Try something simpler and to the point: "You go on a camping trip, but soon realize you might never make it back. Danger is around every turn at Camp Beaver Falls! Do you have what it takes to survive?"

No one really needs to know how easy it is to die (there is a difficulty rating) and no one is going to try to find all the endings unless they like the game.

Programs like Grammarly can help you, but make an effort to punctuate properly the first time around. Also, if you go to the Help & Info section you can scroll down to the "storywriting" section and find many articles that will help. Read them all.

If you can see a storygame on someone's profile, it is on sneak peak. Note that some special characters need to be substituted in when trying to get to the game. In this case, the link is: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/A%20camping%20trip~21%20(gone%20wrong) because the exclamation point is a special character.

This is why it is nice when people give you the link, so you don't have to make it yourself.

Alternatively, last I checked, the site extension will replace the title for sneak preview stories with their links, so that you can just click them as normal.

Even if you don't have the extension, noob stories can be found as clickable links on their exp page. But of course not leaving people to their own devices to hunt down the story you supposedly want them to look at is a good first step to getting them to look at it.

First page:

"you wake up to the sound of your alarm clock ringing! your mom tells you it's time to go to camp."

They're all like that.

I already told him in his newbie board thread to capitalize sentences, add more sentences, and read some other stories on the site. I'm not sure what other suggestions would really do him any good at this point in the process.

yes it is

ok

Well, I understand him, as punctuation is not something that comes naturally to people. I strongly struggle with English punctuation that I found really restrictive. Still, yes he has to work hard and improve.

Well, since your story involves camp, why not go full @EndMaster and have it be about how the scout master makes you feel uncomfortable at night; the way he likes to climb into your sleeping bag with you and wiggle around.

It's not that he's naked, or covered in cooking oil that really bothers you, but the fact that he calls it cacooning.

You just really hate caterpillars.

It must have been the cat walking on the keyboard again.

I like it

Since the obvious things were covered, like capitol letters and more sentences, I’ll try to help with the overall story.

First of all, death links on the first page are not typically advised. Why even add the “do not go to camp” option? What will a reader get from this other than using it as an excuse to stop reading on the second page? I have to choice to not read your story, so you don’t need to put that as an option. It is sort of a fun thing to do, but after a reader has seen it a few times they might just decide the story isn’t worth reading.

Second, consider the scope and choices. Why does what you eat for breakfast matter? Will it impact the story to just narrow it down to one thing? Is the story about going to camp or your morning routine? I was clicking through and I closed the story before I got to camp because there were like 6-7 pages I clicked through without anything significant happening. This is more like a “I’m practicing using the website” game than a compelling story. Also, there are like 5 ways to die eating breakfast. That makes it more like a comedy than anything else because it is not realistic or relatable in a sort of humorous way. I would recommend you tell me what happens in the morning and get me to camp quickly if the story is about camp. Choices can be narrowed down to important things so that pages can be longer.

Third, pick a compelling narrative perspective and stick with it. Right now, it seems like you are just telling me things that happen or telling me to make a choice. “Pick one eggs or cereal.” You should consider who you want the reader and narrater to be in the story. For example, is the story told from the perspective of the main character? You could change things so that the story is the internal thoughts of a person that I am taking the role of: “I rush down the stairs and notice nothing has been prepared for me, great. I glance at my watch and realize that I only have time to make eggs or cereal”. That (to me) is more compelling. You could also have this being told by the narrator in 2nd person: “You rush down the stairs and notice nothing has been prepared for breakfast. Now you only have time to make cereal or eggs.”

I hope this helps a bit!