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https://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-curse-of-your-own-stupidity

I don't know if this link will work. I need somebody to take a look at my unfinished story and provide input on whether I should even bother writing it.

Moved to writing workshop, so that now the guy below you is Bill and not the ten year old girl.

Dang. By the way, mizal, how are you literally everywhere at once in the forums?

I have it set up so I literally can't access the internet on my phone without going through the Forum Index.

I also have a bit of a phone addiction.

If I could harness this into actual writing that would change my whole life, unfortunately I'm pretty much only good for 14 seconds of skimming text and random shitposting without a computer.

Commenting on your story just now actually took a superhuman act of focus, something I only did because you are new and need to be kept in one spot until the drugs take effect.

If that link is dead, you can take a look at the first page:

Finally. After all these years of backbreaking toil, fighting off editors, and brutally suppressing anyone who disliked your book, you're finally here. Yard upon yard of unspoiled linoleum, save for whatever the janitor's mopping up in the corner there, stretch out as far as you can see. Of course, that's assuming it goes under the wall behind the receptionist's desk. You inhale deeply, and are not disappointed. The advertisements were right. The air really is fresher in Lebanon united publishing. 

You don't actually live in Lebanon, of course. You've always liked the good ol' USA; save for one shortcoming. None of their infernal publishing companies had been ready for your book. They had sent you letters of rejection. That's right, they REJECTED the glory that was YOUR book. You had thought whatever insanity your mom had suffered from when she called your book garbage had been a one-time thing. But somehow, that insanity was catching, and everyone you showed it to had said something or the other about "cliches" and "stereotypes". You don't know what that means. You don't speak French. But it was obvious they had hated it.

Here at Lebanon United, they at least had the decency to let me publish it! Their editors hadn't touched it, and its perfection had been maintained! Your friends had laughed at you when you told them this was were you were publishing it. They had said the good folks at LU were scammers. Ha! You wish you could see their faces now. Nobody with an office this nice could be a scammer.

You shuffle triumphantly to the reception desk. The receptionist, a somewhat chubby middle-aged man with a mullet that had been badly dyed black, looks up at you as you approach. 

"Wasssssup?" he spat in a slurred midwestern accent. "Yo wan'a booook published?"

"Uh, yeah. I already sent you my book. How do you not know about it yet?" You respond, a bit deflated.

"Uhhh, mannn, I'm just the receptionist, mannnnn..." He checked a pad of sticky notes on his polished marble desk. "uhhh... I dunno, mannnnn... this might take me a while... oh, there it is!"

He produces a single note from the pile. "You're Mr. Idiot with the book that appeals to young people, righhhht?" He asks, reading directly off the note.

Whoah. You're not sure how to respond to that. You certainly don't think you're an idiot.

(Just as background information, you actually are an idiot. Later in the story I'm going to have the protagonist get warped into his own story and scrape out a meager existence amongst the cliches of his own creation.)

I already fixed the link, you're good.

On the floors of Tokyo
A-down in London town's a go go
A-with the record selection,
And the mirror's reflection,
I'm a talkin' with myself

A-when there's no one else in sight,
A-in crowded lonely night
Well, I wait so long for my love vibration
And I'm talking with myself

Oh oh, talking with a-myself,
Oh, oh, talking with myself
Well, there's nothing to lose
And there's nothing to prove, well,
talking a-with myself

If I looked all over the world
And there's every type of forum
But your empty eyes seem to pass me by
And leave me talkin' with myself.

So let's sink another [word that rhymes with think]
Cause it'll give me time to think
If I had the chance I'd ask the world to reply
And I'll be dancin' with myself

Oh oh, talking with a-myself,
Oh, oh, talking with myself
Well, there's nothing to lose
And there's nothing to prove, well,
talking a-with myself

Well if I looked all over the world
And there's every type of forum
But your empty eyes seem to pass me by
And leave me talkin' with myself.

So let's sink another stink shrink mink
Cause it'll give me time to think
If I had the chance I'd ask the world to reply
And I'll be talin' with myself

Oh oh, Talking a-with myself,
Oh, oh, Talking with myself
If I had the chance I'd ask the world to reply
If I had the chance I'd ask the world to reply
If I had the chance I'd ask the world to reply
Oh, oh, oh, oh oh
Oh, oh, oh talkin' with myself.
Oh, oh, talkin' with myself, oh, oh,

etc. etc. Typing at myself, etc. etc.

k

Completely unintentional but for me, but this poem was automatically ten times better because I was imagining it being rapped by gangster Bilbo Baggins. ^_^

On the streets of the Shire,

My pipe's lit like hellfire,

At the party hell raisin',

Gandalf's fireworks blazin',

I'm talking to my ring.

 

A hundered and elventh birthday, bitches,

Blinged out in mithril riches,

I got some magic shit in my pockets,

And I'm talking to my ring.

 

Oh oh, talking with my ring.

Oh oh, talking with my ring.

Now don't go gettin' jelous,

'Cos it's mine, my own, my precious,

Talking with my ring.

 

If I searched Middle Earth,

From Gondor to Mordor,

I'd never find another ring this bling,

That's why I'm talking with my ring.

 

So let's smoke some Old Toby,

With Gandalf and my homies,

Getting more high than a dragon can fly,

And I'll be dancing with my ring.

 

Oh, oh, talking with my ring,

Oh, oh, talking with my ring,

Now don't go gettin' jelous,

'Cos it's mine, my own, my precious,

Well, I'm talking with my ring.

 

... I spent way too much time writing that. ^_^

Not too shabby ^v^

Short answer: yes you should continue this, but the main thing you need to do as far as the writing is to pick a POV and stuck with it.

Sightly more detailed answer:

The description gives a pretty good idea of what to expect, and fortunately it's amusing and plot-wise something a little different. The first page has a decent amount of actual writing with description and dialogue and the like, so that's a better start then most newbies manage. It has some errors, but nothing too dire for the first draft stage...EXCEPT, you've got frequent POV switching from second person to first (you versus me/I). You *can* fix that with edits later, but given the frequency of point of view pronouns being used in any story, you're going to be causing yourself a lot of headaches that way and will wind up missing at least a few. It's just difficult to read your in writing that closely, your brain tends to patch over errors with what you think should be there. (I do want to congratulate you though on understanding its vs it's, that's pretty rare.)

As far as the tone and structure, humor can be risky to rely on: what's funny or not is just so subjective. But what you had was enough to keep me reading and checking out a couple of choices.

You've got two duplicate choices on the first page by the way. And what I've seen of them so far seem to either lead to a silly death or loop back into the main branch. Readers have varying degrees of tolerance for linearity here, but to play it safe you really should include at least a few places where the story truly branches and leads to different events and outcomes.

But all in all I think this is promising and would be a good edition to the site when finished. Just resist the urge to rush, take your time fully fleshing out the story and then editing and polishing.

Another thing:

Please read this article.

It is a universal truth that no one has the slightest idea how to punctuate dialogue until it's pointed out to them. Everyone reads a thousand books with dialogue and sees the correct way over and over and still just remains completely blind and oblivious until they get yelled at by a reviewer, or else click that link and read that article.

Thank you. I was planning to have the way you act in the introduction (that's what I have done so far) impact the way you start when your character gets warped into the book and have it branch out from there. Thanks for pointing out the perspective issues. I will get those fixed before publishing.