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Hi I started a project not too long ago that I dropped temporarily and I want to ask for feedback on how to make it better and what I should add for the future. The title, rating and desc aren't set in place yet so ignore those.  Story here.  

I don't give feedback to your kind.

I'm confused, you don't give feedback to the super attractive or super charming kind? Either way, fuck you.

No, I don't give feedback to... well, let's just say people of a certain demographic. They tend to sag their pants so that their underwear will show, y'know.

They also love their chicken fried.

I'm not my profile picture lol... I don't even take feedback from retards anyway. Plus, I'm a beans and tacos kind of girl.

Yeah, I can understand not taking feedback from retards.

Because you would have certainly workshopped more ideas with yourself before hitting the forums. But, you do not take feedback from retards.

Ok, well I didn't so... Metard, youtard, wetard nation I guess.

Those aren't real words.

No shit, Sherlock. Way to point out the obvious. Have your parents ever called you special growing up?

Are you failing English?

No, but I'm failing to realize why you're still replying if you're not going to use the thread for what it's intended for. Are you unable to comprehend, too? :(( 

If you couldn't understand the title, this thread was meant for feedback for my story. Perhaps next time, click out of the thread if you mistake me for a black person...

You seem mistaken. I'm using the thread for what it's intended for. 

But you are a self-admitted retard, so that's understandable. 

I know I'm not hard of seeing, but I am having trouble finding the feedback. 

Besides, haven't you heard of the phrase, "It takes one to know one"?

This is a newbie thread, and I'm using this thread to interact with a newbie for some entertainment. 

And yeah, one knowing themselves to be a retard is valuable. I'm so happy for you.

Don't be mistaken yourself, seeing you come back here to make a pointless argument is also quite entertaining for me as well.

That's because you see it as pointless.

Weak mindset.

You're not gonna make it here with the wolves, kid.

That's about something the protagonist in your story would say while crying for the 500th time during the same day.

Check your PMs.

I'm heading in to work right now so I'll have to check it out later, but thank you for actually providing a decent amount of pages and text before asking for feedback, noobs are usually like "please critique my 300 words.". We don't generally do the "select appearance" thing in stories here, but nice you figured out on page scripting.

Was there a reason you stopped working on it?

I needed a break because I was literally working on it every day, and it stopped being enjoyable. However, I'll definitely resume working on it and use all the advice I've been given.

 

Well I think Gryphon already pointed it out, but the norm for most stories here is to be plot/narrative focused. The scripting system can be pretty powerful as simple as it is, but it can also make the authoring process pretty tedious. If you feel like you need a break from all that you could always switch gears for a bit to a simpler story that lets you just focus on the writing itself.

 

I will most likely do that. Variables are far more complicated than I thought. Thank you, Mizal.

I skimmed lightly through your story, though I didn't read every branch. Here's a few general impressions:

• Didn't notice any typos or sentence structure issues.
• You often tell the reader directly how they're feeling. This really stands out, for a couple reasons:
  
  
  • In a story where the player has so much freedom to customize their character, it feels weird that we can't decide how we feel about anything. This wouldn't be as much of a problem if the narrator was less customizable, and it was clear they were their own character.
  • Even in a story with a pre-formed narrator, directly saying how they feel is telling-not-showing. You might want to try signaling how the narrator feels through body movements, dialogue, and direct thoughts instead. This will also help with the first bullet point.
• The narrator seemed kind of bland, and what personality she had wasn't very likeable. I suggest giving her a bit more specific personality traits. The "generic" vibe it seems you were going for doesn't seem to be working. Or, if you think you can handle customizing the personality, that's another option.
• Nice scripting!
  
  
  • Character customization is cool if you can do it, but it's a lot of work, and people don't care much about it on this site. If you're just doing it because you think others will like it, don't bother, you can easily pick a random name/hair color/skin color and everyone will be fine with it. If it's something you're doing because you want to, go for it!
  • I notice that choices made earlier in the story can affect how things play out later on. Good work with the scripting.
• Nothing the player does seems to have much impact on how things happen. There are some minor environmental changes, but nothing significant. Why bother with the choices?
• Does this... have... a plot? So far I've seen the narrator travel to the airport and nothing else. It's really not pulling me in. What's your plan for making things interesting?
• Regardless of what your future plans are, in almost any story I would advise you to cut out this beginning section. It's clear it has nothing to do with the future events in the story. It seems like it's meant to introduce the character, but usually that's best done after the reader has some reason to keep reading. Right now, we have several thousand words of introductory actions where nothing much happens.

Thank you; I really appreciate this. The start has been really slow with no definite plot, so I plan on introducing a motive and conflict into what I have already. As far as the choices go, I'll try to make them have a greater impact and let the reader make more in-depth choices, personality-wise, so it actually matters. The current segment is really just an introduction to the stats, which influence how others will react to the reader or how the reader will speak to others (e.g., kindness is low; Mr. Serrano doesn't give you a ride).

Like I said, thank you for your feedback, and I'll be sure to update the game.