Non-threaded

Forums » Writing Workshop » Read Thread

Find proofreaders here, useful resources, and share opinions and advice on story crafting.

Looking for help

2 days ago

I am working on a CYOA that is set between "ERROR: HOPES AND DREAMS NOT FOUND" and "ERROR: NAME NOT FOUND." I am going to try and make it feel almost like a town builder, survival game, or escape game, depending on what the player chooses. Does anyone know of any CYOA games that are similar to this format, or have any suggestions as to how it could work? I am also looking for proofreaders who are willing to look through it frequently as I work on it, or possibly even a co-author. The first page will be posted in the comments, and I might add to it over time.

Side note here: How does a co-author work? I can probably guess as to the general way as to what it is, but I don't know how it works on this website.

Looking for help

2 days ago

I know Dead Man Walking is a great survival game, or if you're looking for something more item-based, Dungeon Stompage. Although they might not be exactly what you have in mind. There's also Tower of Riddles and A Stack of Cats if you wanted more puzzle focused.

I'd love to proofread, I always enjoy it. Let me know if you want any other recommendations for survival or escape games. As far as I know, there's no town-building games on the site.

Looking for help

2 days ago

I've finished Tower of Riddles and A Stack of Cats, which are quite good puzzle games. I also played some Dungeon Stompage, but never got to the end. I might check out Dead Man Walking. Thank you for the help!

Looking for help

2 days ago

Oh! Also, Coauthors work by going to the Story Properties page and scrolling down to where it says [Add Coauthor], then clicking on it and choosing someone. (With their permission, of course. Don't add people willy nilly.)

Looking for help

2 days ago

That is what I thought, but what happens then? What do the co-authors see, and what can they do?

Looking for help

2 days ago

Not sure. I've never had one!

Looking for help

2 days ago

Hmmm...

I'm sure someone here has done it

Looking for help

2 days ago
They can see everything you can and can edit any page. Be careful who you give that permission to, because mods can't undo anything either author does and also don't really want to hear about it.

Looking for help

2 days ago

Makes sense, thanks!

And I almost always have a backup in case someone decides to grief anything I have done, so that last part shouldn't be a problem.

Looking for help

yesterday

As someone who got screwed in what I believe is CYS's only co-author contest to date, I strongly recommend you be very careful who you write with. Even if they're not planning to screw you, two different authors can have very different writing styles, and that can definitely impact the plot.

Looking for help

yesterday

Yeah, I've written things on a Google Doc with other people before, and that does happen. Hence why I have backups and know how to restore previous Google Doc versions.

Looking for help

yesterday

I think Liminal is right that there is not a town builder on the site.

If you want suggestions on how you would do it, this would be my approach:

  1. Establish the protag and how they acquired the land they are to develop and a base budget, with the first choice being the type of plot to develop.
  2. Survey of the property and an option to spend different amounts on either first developing infrastructure and then residential, commercial, or industrial units, or dumping money in to marketing and initial development.
  3. Depending on the prior choice, provide an update and then options to either further develop the current unit or start another one or expand the property.
  4. Owners of other nearby lots will randomly develop their own property, which may have an impact on the value of what you have built. Likewise, what you built may help direct what they are building nearby.
  5. The main game loop keeps coming back to a "what to build next" page, with new options unlocking as you increase the amount of money invested in either unit types or specific businesses or resources you pay to develop in the town (libraries, special development zones, resource facilities, etc.)
  6. The game completes when you hit a set town value, or meet a checklist of town essentials. Maybe even something like a specific population goal (with a minimum employment percentage or happiness score of that population)

Looking for help

2 days ago

You run. You hide. You flee. They chase you. They hunt you. And they are catching up.

The mist swirls around you as you run through the forest, filled with the ruins of a paradise long gone. The mists have been a part of your life for weeks now, and you have gotten used to having low visibility. It felt comforting at first, like a blanket that was wrapped around you, keeping you safe. Now, though, it felt like the blanket was fighting against you, trying to choke you and keep you restrained so that they could finish you off.

You slow down, your lungs and legs burning from how much you pushed yourself today. It still feels like you haven't gone far enough, haven't run fast enough, haven't done enough to matter. Your stomach rumbles again, reminding you that it hasn't been full in days. The berries that you found a few hours ago gave you enough energy to keep going, but they were like only a few drops of water in a desert.

Looking around at your surroundings, you realize that you are next to a house that has not been reduced to a few mossy rocks yet, with the wood not rotting away and the walls still standing. The roof has collapsed in some places, but it would still be better protection from the rain than the trees that you were climbing. Some berry bushes are nearby, and they look like something you've had before, but you aren't certain.

You aren't certain of anything these days, other than the fact that you must run to survive. There are no signs of other people around here, or anywhere that you've been. Your head still aches, but that could be from anything. It still makes you uneasy to feel what might be an early warning sign. The adrenaline pumping through your veins starts to slow, and you realize that you need a plan, even if it is just for the day. Thinking about your options, you decide that...

 

  • you can't run on an empty stomach.
  • the building might still have some resources you can scavenge.
  • you haven't gone far enough to be safe.

Looking for help

2 days ago

Make sure to capitalize your links! ^-^ Try to avoid unnecessary comma creating run-on sentences. It's hard, but it makes the writing that much better.

Looking for help

2 days ago

Yeah, I made it in a few minutes, and didn't proofread it too much. I'm mainly focused on getting the main story down in the beginning. I will be going back and doing that though, thanks!

And for the links, I'm trying to make it seem like you are simply completing the thought the character is having.

Looking for help

2 days ago

That's reasonable. Getting the main story out is always difficult.

I will say that this sentence particularly takes me out of it with its redundancy, so I thought I'd share a better way.

Looking around at your surroundings, you realize that you are next to a house that has not been reduced to a few mossy rocks yet, with the wood not rotting away and the walls still standing. 

There's a much better way to phrase this, as an example: 

"Looking around, you realize you're next to a house that has not yet been reduced to nothing."

That's of course from my very amateur self, but I hope the point gets across anyway.

As for the links, I suppose that makes sense, but it still feels odd to me. Might just be personal preference, though, so do what you like!

Looking for help

yesterday
This has some nice anxiety and dread in it. A surefire hook. Some suggestions to improve what is already pretty good (taking anything I say with a grain of salt, of course):

(1) To hook the reader a bit more, maybe a paragraph of exposition about "them" might entice the reader a bit more (not that the vague and ominous "they" isn't enough, but you could enhance it just a bit more, maybe focusing more on how "they" make the protagonist feel, rather than specifics about what they are).

(2) There's a sentence where maybe you can clean up the tense. I know when I first got here I had a really hard time with second person present tense. It was bad enough that my first storygame, The Ghost People, was entirely in the typical past tense style of most novels (but in second person, obviously). In particular, this part:

"It felt comforting at first, like a blanket that was wrapped around you, keeping you safe. Now, though, it felt like the blanket was fighting against you, trying to choke you and keep you restrained so that they could finish you off." I'm no grammar prodigy, but I feel like it would work better with things in the present written in present tense, if the rest of the moments outside of memories are in present tense as well. Maybe "Now, though, it feels like the blanket is fighting against you, trying to choke you and keep you restrained so that they can finish you off" might work better. Just my admittedly fallible intuition.

Anyway, dread at the unknown is a huge hook, so this is a great way to start a story.

_

_

*Oh yeah, that story I linked to? Definitely don't use it as an example. I didn't even know you are supposed to separate dialogue by paragraphs at that point. Just showing my issues with tense in the past.

Looking for help

yesterday
I've attempted resource management games before, one was my very first attempt at a game here, and another actually one not all that long ago with the "rebuilding after a war" prompt. The main issue with any kind of management sim is that it's really not all that interesting repeatedly clicking a link and watching numbers go up. To make something like this work it's got to be built with all the usual narrative hooks from the ground up with the extra complexity of trying to balance it all as a game. The editor is not really designed for this and usually I end up just sad that Adrift, the actual perfect tool, is pretty obsolete by now. But the first thing you're going to need to do is figure out how you'll handle the passage of time, since the passage of a turn that adjusts all the other variables controlling the world is pretty core to a game like this, and time is also the most important resource.

Looking for help

yesterday

I am planning to have a hidden counter that will keep track of that and close/open different links based on what you have and how much time has passed. The town builder part is only a backdrop to the story, though, so it will be pretty simple.

Also, what are the names of the stories you made? I want to read through them to see how it works.

Looking for help

yesterday

I have hit a brick wall with writing the story already, which isn't too surprising for the number of things I am doing right now. But I also have an idea for how the story should be. As such, I am looking for a co-author(s) who is willing to be very patient with my wonky schedule and way of doing things. Message me if you want to do this.

I am also okay if no one wants to do this, and I can work on my own quite well, so don't feel like you have to volunteer. This is just because I like seeing what other people think up, and want to see what ideas people have for the ERROR: NOT FOUND series.

Looking for help

yesterday
Unfortunately, I am too lazy to join you, but I will read it when you're finished. The start is very interesting.

Looking for help

yesterday

Still taking messages for co-authors, but I will have the deadline be 1:00 PM EST today

Looking for help

21 hours ago

Ten minutes left if anyone else wants to co-author my storygame

Looking for help

21 hours ago

perhaps a graphical timer is in order :3

Looking for help

20 hours ago
Oh nooooo, we ALL missed the deadline!

Looking for help

20 hours ago

indeed you did

Looking for help

20 hours ago
So did you, you unspeakably gay louse

Looking for help

15 hours ago

Lol! It isn't a hard deadline, so long as all the current co-authors are fine with adding another one into the mix

Looking for help

20 hours ago
Dang, if I had seen this earlier, I would have been so down to clown

Looking for help

4 hours ago
How is this generally? Do collaborations on storygames happen? Do they work? I don't quite see myself working on something that has a title in all-caps, but generally the idea of working together on a game sounds interesting.

Looking for help

2 hours ago
Collaborations do generally happen. Like kitchen nightmares with sherb and sent. I think Malk and Steve worked together on a horror game. And there were a couple of others.

I think in the collaborations, each person would write a path of the game, after working together to find an idea they both like.

It’s uncommon, but has the potential for a great story with multiple styles!

Looking for help

2 hours ago
Did you remember your password? Or did you just put a new avatar on the backup account? /unrelated

Looking for help

2 hours ago
Mizal ended up helping me lol. I really should write the password down somewhere so I don't keep forgetting

Looking for help

2 hours ago
Lol yes. Or maybe email it to yourself, so it's always there in your sent folder.

Looking for help

2 hours ago
True. That's pretty smart!

Looking for help

2 hours ago
Just make sure you don't accidentally email it to TIG.

Looking for help

2 hours ago
Oh god, that would be terrible lol.

Looking for help

14 minutes ago
It's sort of a meme that noobs ask for them constantly, or else just randomly coauthor people to their games without asking.

But as far as successfully coauthored stories, in 20 years there's been uh, Blooded by Malk and Steve, TechNOIR by Chris and Tim, and the Gordon Ramsay one that Sherb and Sent did in January. And then another one Bucky made that he eventually just deleted because he kept having issues with other contributors and their matrrial would be deleted or pulled until there was no point.

You really have to know the other person well and put a lot of thought and planning into structure and plot to not be stepping on each other's toes, and there's still gong to be potential issues of writing style jarring with each other from page to page. Generally most people find it's more efficient to write on their own.