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new and improved

2 years ago

this is bigwolf and this is a piece of my new and improved story (still in progress) it has better gammer and is more detailed and descriptive I really hope you like what I have so far and please if something is still missing then I will fix it thank you

Red was born in Germany in 1928, but on the year that he was turning 11, his life went to hell, for he was a Jew. he was forced into a camp and tortured day after day.Until the incident.It started like any other day in the camp. He was working in a quary like every day until a guard comes up and knocks him in the back of the head makeing him kneel from the pain making him see stars across his vision. He then felt someone bind his wrists and put somthing over his face. He was confused and terrified. He was hauled to his feet and dragged to a van. He tryed to keep track of the turns but the ride was to long. After hours of driveing the van finilly came to a stop. He was then drug out of the van roughly and then tied onto a chair......

new and improved

2 years ago
You're starting sentences with lowercase letters, so your "gammer" didn't improve that much.

new and improved

2 years ago

my bad i must have looked over it ill fix it

 

new and improved

2 years ago
"finilly"

new and improved

2 years ago

Red was born in Germany in 1928, but on the year that he was turning 11, his life went to hell, for he was a Jew. He was forced into a camp and tortured day after day.Until the incident.It started like any other day in the camp. He was working in a quary like every day until a guard comes up and knocks him in the back of the head makeing him kneel from the pain making him see stars across his vision. He then felt someone bind his wrists and put somthing over his face. He was confused and terrified. He was hauled to his feet and dragged to a van. He tryed to keep track of the turns but the ride was to long. After hours of driveing the van finilly came to a stop. He was then drug out of the van roughly and then tied onto a chair.

 

new and improved

2 years ago

I'm glad you fixed the capitalization, but note that you also have lines where there is no space after the periods:
" after day.Until the incident.It started like any other day in the camp."

Other things:

1) Make a new paragraph any time setting, time, person speaking, or subject changes.

2) Avoid run on sentences. " He was working in a quary like every day until a guard comes up and knocks him in the back of the head makeing him kneel from the pain making him see stars across his vision "

Try pacing it out, using periods and commas. "He was working in the quarry, inching a heavy load of rocks, when something like a fist hit him in the back of the head. He kneeled, howling in pain. His vision whirled with stars. Someone grasped his wrists and tied them with rough rope, then shoved a bag over his face."

3) Try to make your character more interesting than just "everything horrible happens to him." Was he separated from his parents? Did he have siblings? Is he defiant, or does he try to keep his nose down? Is he angry, jaded, or despairing? Etc.

4) Consider your consistency. Part of this is you are rushing through the plot points, but it's hard to make sense of his actual situation. When you say he is "tortured every day" that makes me think he's literally tortured by a mad doctor or Nazi every day. But then you show that his "every day" world is working the quarry. That's certainly slavery and abuse, but not what people normally think of with the word 'torture' which implies a more personal aspect. Also, the idea of a van parked in a concentration camp quarry just comes off a bit strange.

5) Watch your use of clunky, passive, and overly described action verbs. While you can use them, here they are over-used and drag down your action. "then felt," "was hauled," "was then drug out," "Finally came to a stop," etc. " He then felt someone bind " can simply be "someone bound," "finally came to a stop" can simply be "the van stopped," and "was then drug out" could be "hands dragged him out."

new and improved

2 years ago
Camelon please direct your attention to this thread, and join us in laughing at and bullying the retard.

new and improved

2 years ago

Lol, how did I miss this? I think I was around 4 months ago. I didn't get really into the forums until I found Gower's Tally Ho thread, though.

new and improved

2 years ago

Camelon has left you some great comments on this, and I second all of them. I highly recommend you take his advice into consideration. 

I have also included a few of my own edits below. I hope they are helpful to you.

 


 

Red was born in Germany in 1928., but Oon the year that he was turning 11, his life went to hell, for he was a Jew. He was forced into a camp and tortured day after day. spaceUntil the incident. spaceIt started like any other day in the camp. He was working in a quary, like every day until a guard camecomes up and knockedknocks him onin the back of the head. Red kneeled from the pain, stars dancing across his vision. makeing him kneel from the pain making him see stars across his vision. He then felt someone bind his wrists and put something over his face. Perhaps a more descriptive word than ‘something’? Maybe “smother his face”? He was confused and terrified. He was hauled to his feet and dragged to a van. These two sentences can be combined into one. “Confused and terrified, he was hauled to his feet and dragged into a van. He triedtryed to keep track of the car’s twists and turns, but the ride was too long. After hours of driving,driveing the van finallyfinilly came to a stop. He was then drug out of the van roughly and then tied onto a chair.

 


 

You have some good suspense building in this. I think your writing has a lot of potential. I second Camelon’s comment that you may benefit from slowing down the plot a little bit. Can you explain a bit more about how he was captured and forced into the camp? Also, why is he being kidnapped from the camp? Who are the kidnappers? Are they part of they part of Hitler’s army? If so, why did they put Red in a van when he had already been kidnapped? If they weren’t, how were these people allowed into the camp, and why would they hurt Red?

Please remember that writing is a process of constant self-improvement. You’ve definitely got potential, and you’ve got a good attitude regarding the feedback you've received. If you continue with this attitude, I know you will improve greatly in your writing.

new and improved

2 years ago
He doesn't fucking have any more potential than he did twenty accounts ago. Stop feeding the retards. You're wasting your time and making your opinions less credible.

new and improved

2 years ago
Dragged not drug, and bigwolf is a fucktard.

new and improved

2 years ago

new and improved

2 years ago

Banned.

new and improved

2 years ago
It is really sad he was banned, you can't imagine how much people like him, natives with worse grammar than me, helping to improve my self-esteem. I know sounds cruel, but reading his works makes me feel better.