Hello there! I don't write reviews and critiques that often, but here's my take on it. The biggest compliment that I can give is that I got a clear sense what kind of person you want this main character to be. I think that I will break my commentary in some small bite sizes, makes stuff a lot easier to read.
Lack of choice and how to fix it without getting a headache
It seems that other people have already pointed out your lack of choices in the beginning. It can indeed turn some people off your story. If you want to keep the linear structure without changing too much of the bulk, here are my suggestions in creating the false sense of choice. Be aware that you should use these methods sparingly otherwise people will notice.
number one: make longer pages
When I read through the first two pages, I was constantly thinking: "You can stick them together, it wouldn't break the flow." I cannot exactly say what the "ideal" page length is, but I do know that you have more liberty with the length on the first page as its purpose is to suck you into the world and story. So don't be afraid to make longer pages if the situation calls for it. The pages "options" and "a little jumpy" can also be stitched together without any worries.
number two: interactive lists and info dumps
This is what could be used to make the whole exposition about your children a bit more palatable. I feel that you should introduce them in a more organic way, but that's not what we're talking about. The thing is that you could make this list a lot more interactive. Instead of a whole text block, break these segments apart and make these choices like this example:
Bob drifts off. He thinks about his children. The child that comes to mind is:
> Bobby (background info about bob if you click on this option)
> Ann (idem)
> Margaret (idem)
> Don (idem)
It takes a bit more work with the editor, but it is more fun to the reader. Plus, this is a good way to info dump stuff on the player without making them feel bored.
Number three: All roads lead to Rome
This is kind of what I often see in the walking dead video game series. You have the option to make a lot of choices, but the end result is the same except for some flavor text. One example is making a choice whether you like your coffee hot or cold. Thus, you write a page about you sipping hot coffee and a page where you were sipping cold coffee. Both pages will then lead to the same page: You throw the coffee away.
When I read your text I haven't seen a way how you could use it, but it is a fun thing to keep in mind.
Characterization and stuff
Look, I got the sense what you want to do with this main character. He is a gruff, perverted, everyday man who just wants to grill. I like that you got a clear personality for this guy. However, please be aware of making pop culture references and some "modern" language and slang, especially when you are not the same age as this main character. It's the same with fifty year old film board members writing a teen comedy, shit can easily get cringy if you're not careful.
The star wars references I can forgive, as it is a timeless work. However, regarding the line about Ariana Grande, I know that my dad doesn't give a shit about whether Ariana Grande is worse or better than Cardi B. Hell, he doesn't even know their names. If he was going to reference something, then it's probably dolly parton, michael jackson or any other famous person around his time. Even if you say that he likes this kind of music or listens to it for the sake of his daughter, this would clash with his previous personality and values. I got the feeling that he is a traditional man who likes traditional gender roles. So I have difficulty in believing that he would ever have a remote interest in singers that are popular with teenage girls without expressing reluctance about the act in itself.
Regarding his relationship with his eldest daughter, I have a feeling that such a person would never be this self-aware of himself.
You have never treated her badly because of this, or any other reason, but you were raised to be prepared for your first child to fit a “traditional” mold for girls
This is not what a generation x person would say. I only have seen this phrase used by millennials and zoomers. This father would probably say that he was irritated that she hadn't grown out of her tomboy phase or something like that. Also, the fact that he is uncomfortable with his daughter liking girls.
You are old-fashioned and are still getting used to the fact that she is smarter than you and she likes girls.
This too. No one will ever say this to describe themselves. This is too self-aware, too much introspection. I think that it is better to imply these thoughts than outright state them. Give more examples how these values clashed with each other. Perhaps something more like this:
"She once told you that she got a so-called girlfriend in college. At first you thought it was just a phase, that it was due to the college she went to or due to the dykes in the city, but after a while you knew that this issue wouldn't go away any time soon. You both were stuck with it. Perhaps you should have never sent her this far away in the first place. Plenty of people never went to school and they turned out fine. Despite your differences, your daughter is still your daughter. You wouldn't want to trade her for anyone else."
Also, don't be afraid to put in some offensive slurs in it for this character. Plenty of older people use it unknowingly. It gives also an easy insight to the worldview of this man.
To summarize this point: keep the age of the character in mind when writing your prose and funny remarks.
How to describe people
Hahaha, when you describe people's appearances less is indeed more. The blonde hair and blue eyes of the children could easily be skipped in my honest opinion. Then there's also this page.
You stand in your bathroom in front of the sink in your pajama pants, glaring at the mirror at the 6’ 3” 225lbs dark blonde, blue-eyed bearded man in the mirror. You still have another 25lbs if you'd like to lose. Looking down, you squeeze your belly fat with both hands and growl “Die! Nobody wants you!”
Do you really have to state your dark blonde hair or the fact that you're tall. Nope. I had forgotten about it as soon as my eyes glazed over it. If it doesn't add to the characterization of the character or isn't a very important plot point, leave it out. The last line however, is actually pretty nice and something you should do more often. You know that he is overweight, but that he is also a bit insecure and that he has a sense of humor. The line perfectly encapsulates what kind of person we're dealing with: "a middle-aged cringy everyday man."
"6’ 3” 225lbs dark blonde, blue-eyed bearded man in the mirror" makes my mind go blank. No one will use these words to describe themselves.
Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule and one excerpt of your story fits that mold. One thing I do forgive is how he describes his wife. The fucker is horny, naturally he will describe every curve of her ass and her hair and eyes. It would be weird if he doesn't.
To summarize this: every description of appearance has to serve some purpose. Be mindful about it.
Minor nitpick
Dude, there are so many names that I have to keep track off. Five in only four pages and two minor ones. Then there were nicknames for some of the children. I'd say that you should get rid of the nicknames just to make it easier for the reader to keep track of all the children.
Conclusion
The prose was readable and well-formatted, something that I always can appreciate. Huge massive text walls are a pain to read without proper spacing. Furthermore, I like that this main character isn't a empty husk. He was brimming with personality and flavor. I cannot comment too much on the flow since you haven't shown us a lot of the story. The premise does look very promising. To be honest, humor and horror can gel pretty well. Genre blending works are always an interesting read for me.
Just keep in mind some of the points above and you'll be fine. Good luck with your story!
