WatchNon-threaded

Forums » Writing Workshop » Read Thread

Toss around ideas and brainstorm your story.

Finished First Part of My Storygame

9 days ago

Hello, everyone.

Recently been inspired to write after taking a long break from the site due to life. Anyways, looking to hear any feedback on The Fallen Gods: Siege at Aurella on my sneakpeak. It's just the begining few paths. I tried to just sprinkle world-building without slamming the reader into a brickwall of stuff. Each path has a hint of choices that will be relevant in the next part I plan to start on, so it doesn't seem to not matter the choices. I think my dialog is what struggles the most so far in the story. Any CC is welcome. Thanks!

Finished First Part of My Storygame

9 days ago

I think Dire got lost in all the noob drama/contest shuffle.

 

Finished First Part of My Storygame

8 days ago
Well that's what he gets for not being a retard.

Finished First Part of My Storygame

8 days ago

They say that ignorance is bliss. I'm completely in the dark over what you guys are talking about.

Finished First Part of My Storygame

8 days ago

check out "it's high noon", "Bracketed Dueling #1" and "Bracketed Dueling #2" in the Creative Corner :)

Finished First Part of My Storygame

8 days ago
Or don't. Seriously.

Finished First Part of My Storygame

8 days ago

Why? I think the stories are pretty good.

Finished First Part of My Storygame

8 days ago
That's a pretty epic title anyway, I'll give it a glance when I get home.

Finished First Part of My Storygame

8 days ago

Could you post a clickable link to it?  I don't have the extension so I can't access it through your profile.  I'll see if I can look at this after work.

Finished First Part of My Storygame

8 days ago

https://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-fallen-gods~3a-siege-at-aurella

Here you go!

Finished First Part of My Storygame

8 days ago

I read through your story and here are the things that jumped out to me:

 

1) The opening is plot exposition. Right off the bat, you’re starting with plot exposition, and a lot of fancy names, which is usually a bad idea.  Often, this information can be worked in later in the story.  That said, you could easily make the opening work as it is, this isn’t a big deal.  EDIT:  Ooh, never mind, we have a parallel plotline here.  Nice.

2) Strong sentence structure.  You seem to have a firm grasp of what is easy to read and what isn’t.  The writing flows pretty easily from one sentence to the next, and I’m not having any trouble working out your meaning.  Kudos!

3) Strong styllistic tone.  The main character has a strong distinctive voice from early on, which is a big help pulling the reader in.

4) Well-paced worldbuilding.  You're not infodumping, and you're not starving the reader for information.  You have a good balance of action vs. information here, leaving the reader wanting to learn more about the world and the context of the religious conflict.

5) What’s the format of this story?  At first I assumed it was cave of time, but the rebranching in a few places leads me to think it’s a gauntlet type.  What plans do you have for different endings and giving the player control over the story?

6) How long do you plan this to be?

Personal nitpicks:

-Eh, all the pointless violence isn't really my thing.  Violence is most effective when it means something in context, and the only real purpose I see to the various executions in this section is to demonstrate how ruthless/fanatical the narrator is.  Though that might be important to do, it's hard to say without seeing the complete work.

 

Overall, I’m interested, this is really quite good.  This is definately the strongest thing I’ve seen posted on this section of the forum since joining the site.  The religious conflict is intriguing, and the tense situation quickly pulls the reader in.  You’ve done a good job with this so far, and I’d be interested in reading the rest when you finish it.  Also, it's refreshing to write one of these reviews where the feedback is mostly positive.  I genuinely don't have too much to say, other than "keep up the good work".

Obviously I can only give so much feedback on your plot, characters, and world without knowing what direction you want the plot to go in.  If this was a complete work, I'd probably have a better time identifying your strengths and weaknesses there.  But what you have so far in terms of writing style and structure is fairly strong.

Finished First Part of My Storygame

8 days ago

Firstly, thank you for taking the time to give it a look over. I appreciate the feedback and I'm glad to know that it is working so far. The thing I would hate to do is get into a bad habit at the beginning and not find out about it until publishing times comes. As far as the format, I honestly am trying to avoid a straight gauntlet story. I have a few different endings that I want to have the player explore, but nothing insane in length since it'll be my first story game. I'm going to try to look into variables to incorporate choices into different paths (such as deciding to pray or not). I haven't fully experimented with that system in the editor yet, but I would like it to be used. Overall, I don't plan on the game being overstaying its interest. I don't plan on adding in unnecessary pages that don't interest the player or adding in extra bits of lore for the hell of it. I would rather it be short and well received than long and boring. Thank you for expressing interest in the story!

Finished First Part of My Storygame

8 days ago

Alright, cool.  I certainly didn't see any obvious bad habits.  This site's editor is really flexible and in depth, so I hope it fits what you're trying to do.  Good luck with your writing!

Finished First Part of My Storygame

8 days ago
I like what I've been reading of your story so far. I'll try to get a review of what's completed one I finish reading and have some spare time on my hands. Totally didn't post this so I don't forget to come back to this.