=For End Master's Manifest Destiny contest=

When Alexsis starts trying to steal your favorite seat in the school cafeteria, things get serious.  The pair of you decide to resolve this dispute in combat:  a game of capture the flag.  Can you beat your nemesis in a game of capture the flag, and reclaim what is rightfully yours?

This story is a short cave-of-time style game with seven possible victory endings.  Happy flag-hunting!

As humanity begins to leave their corner of the galaxy for the first time, they encounter previously uncontacted alien races.  As one of earth's leading diplomats, you will play a key role in shaping the future of your species in this unfamiliar world.

A mostly cave-of-time style story with limited rebranching in a few places, and five victory endings.

Winner of End Master's Culture Clash Contest

In this short RPG game, you explore your local village, solving challenges and puzzles, as you try to decide what to do in your future career.

When a thunderbird attacks you while you search for the missing Professor Keirz, you crash-land on a plateau near the legendary ruins of a ruined Anzaran city.  You must make use of the resources around you to repair your damaged flyer, find your missing friend, and unlock the secrets of the ancient Anzaran temple.

An open-map item-based puzzle game with one good victory ending, and one great victory ending.  Good luck exploring the ancient Anzaran plateau!

For End Master's Manifest Destiny Contest

Discover the dungeon's secrets, fight deadly monsters, learn magical spells, and more in this traditional dungeon crawl adventure!  Can you survive the dangers of the legendary Crag?

An open-map dungeon exploration game using player stats and items, with eleven victory epilogues, as indicated by the first two digits of your score.

Thanks to Nightwatch for the fantastic cover art!

An unexpected supernatural disaster leaves you and your your younger cousins adrift in a strange sea full of mythical creatures and beings. Can you and your cousins escape, or will you succumb to the deadly sea?

Currently, this is a short cave-of-time style game with three victory endings. It is complete in its current form, consisting of the first of many planned "episodes" for the game.  It will eventually be expanded into an episodic gauntlet-style game.

Your score indicates which ending you reached.  0 for a death ending, and a score of 1, 2, or 3 corresponds to one the game's victory endings.

Thanks for the feedback! I'll definitely bear these edits in mind as I go through the passage. "Had been intending" is clunky; I can fix that. "Practically" might be substituted for "basically" or moved later in the sentence. I'll give it some more thought. I know I tend to go light on imagery; so that's something to bear in mind. (I intended this narrator to be light on descriptions as a personality trait; but again, that's a trade-off that might not be worth it. I'll ruminate.)

Thanks for the feedback! Yeah that last line is clunky. I did mean for the narrator to be human; I used "pinwheeling" just because he can be kind of dramatic with his descriptions, but I think you're right that the word is too strong. I'll swap it out for something like "stumbled". Thanks for catching "practically"; I add filler words like this all the time and looks like I missed this one on my edit.

Okay, my turn! This is an excerpt from the novel I've been working on for the past two years and should probably be finished with sometime in the 2050s.

Context: Scifi. The narrator is in a bad spot and crashing with Dee, a local resident. While trying to fix her broken dishwasher (against her wishes), he accidentally burst a pipe and caused some minor flooding. He's met her outdoors returning from an errand.

--------

“Listen, I have some news about the dishwasher, but before I get into that, I have to share some important personal context.”

“Oh lord,” said Dee.

“I was stuck in hyperspace before I got here,” I said. “I made a bad jump and I royally fucked the drive. Like, the wiring and the insulation had melted together… it was awful. I practically had to rebuild it from scratch.”

“Yes, I understand you’re very smart.”

“No, that’s not—Look, I just want you to understand where I’m coming from. My recent history. I just want to make it absolutely clear that I am no stranger to grappling with challenging mechanical problems.”

Dee rubbed her eyebrows. “You broke the dishwasher.”

“The dishwasher is in no worse a condition than it was this morning,” I assured. “In fact, the building has undergone no permenant structural damage of any kind—”

“If I go in there, am I going to find my bar room flooded?”

“Let’s not quibble about transient hypotheticals,” I dismissed. “The real question—”

I had been intending to block the doorway, but Dee shoved me aside with practically no effort, and I went pinwheeling down the steps.

Overall this is good! The writing is pretty clear and easy to read. You introduce the narrator's motivation immediately and characterize her throughout the passage.

I recommend keeping an eye out for tense changes and run on sentences; I noticed a number of those here. Shorter sentences are easier to read. Additionally, I'd recommend focusing on how you can show the reader something is happening rather than just telling us that it does. Turn descriptions of thoughts into direct thoughts, and turn transitions and emotions into actions.

"She loves me, she loves me not." I pick the petals off the flower, and letting them fly in the gentle breeze. andSome land in the river, joining a few of the millions of little pink dots flowing away. “She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me.” That wa's the last petal, which means she must like me back, y. Yet I still can’t work up the courage to ask her out. I sit in deep thought, until a familiar voice breaks my concentration.

^^I started with the dialogue to space things out and grab the reader. Small change; your call. The protagonist's realization that they still don't have the nerve to ask her out feels a little unemotional. Can you make that stronger? Try grounding it in action.

That last sentence is telling rather than showing. I recommend focusing on the protagonist's internal deep thoughts, and then just letting the interruption happen naturally.

“Julia, what are you doing out here?” It’s her, . I feel mMy face heatings up as I turn around and look at her.

^^Removing "I feel" immerses the reader more deeply in the narrator's perspective.

“Just, uh, looking at the pretty leaves.” She walks over and sits beside me, and my heart flutters. She doesn’t say anything for a moment, just looks quietly at the river aswhile I try to keep my face straightbreath steady, barely unable to stop looking at her. She’s so beautiful, with fFreckles dusting her nose and her beautiful clear pale skin that perfectly pairs with her flowy white-blonde hair and dazzling emerald eyes. She’s perfect.

^^I changed the focus on face to breath since she isn't currently looking at the narrator and thus can't see her face. (Also, she needs a name.) I removed some of the framing of the narrator's thoughts that would distance the reader from them. "She's perfect" is a strong way to end this paragraph.

“This is nice, the perfect weather to just watch the river.” She says, sighings as she watches the leaves fall. As much as I want to tell her, I can’t muster up the courage to speak to her, so instead I sit with her, taking in the scene before me.

^^That last sentence is again, telling not showing. Let's see the narrator struggling to tell her. Have her run through some possibilities in her head. Have her start to speak and then change the subject. Have her internally hype herself off, only to get cut off by some distraction. Then it will mean more when we see her give up and just sit in silence.

This is nice! You have a lot of variation in your sentence structure, you deliver necessary information in a way that is immediately relevant to the story, and you characterize the narrator well through their commentary on unfolding events. Nice job! I didn't have a lot of comments on the sentence structure, and what I do have is pretty nitpicky.

I was struggling to decide whether this feels impersonal or shows the character's voice nicely. I think it does both; you do a great job characterizing the narrator, but it feels impersonal because they're reacting so casually to a dire situation. That's fine, if that's the personality they have. If you intend them to be worried, though, you need to make sure that shows more clearly. Right now they seem pretty blase.

I like your use of names. It makes the situation feel much more real and personal, and characterizes the rest of the village.

The one danger I see here is that the character voice you've chosen is slightly wordy and slightly meandering. This adds personality, so I didn't optimize for efficiency as much as I usually do. But you risk lengthening your story, and wearing out the reader's patience. It's a trade off you'll have to bear in mind.

Every few days the cats emerge from the thicket and attack us. Their numbers have been growing ever since the first attack - the last time there were over 20 surrounding the village on all sides. Two women and sSeven men and two women were severely injured in the assault, one later with one succumbing to his wounds and the other six permanently incapacitated in some way. Thankfully no children were taken, though Bobby Smith was dragged part-way into the undergrowth before Carpenter Sam wrenched him out of the mogs' grip (Bobby's dad, Digby, was one of those wounded).

^^I really like your opening sentence. Attention-grabbing, original, and clear. 10/10 no notes. (I should say I am assuming these are actual cats, and not big cats like mountain lions.)

I like what you're trying to do with the parenthetical as a character moment. Unfortunately I think it disrupts the rhythm of the passage too much to be worth it. Good instinct though. Is there some way you can work that tone into your main description?

Now that winter's mostly passed a few of the others are suggesting we call for help, send a messenger to the governor perhaps. Most agree, though I see little chance of Governor Hinkley lifting a stubby little finger to do anything. Mercenaries are too expensive for a little village like ours, where hunger and disease'll likely kill us off anyway.

^^This is mostly fine; I just cut out some redundancies.

Last meeting I suggested we write to Cooper to see whether he'd help, but everyone was against me on that. Ma'am Gertrude reminded us all of the last time Cooper was in town: he and his fellows caused a major ruckus at her inn, scared away the chickens and blew a hole through the bar. Her daughter is still traumatised by Cooper's 'magic tricks', and said as much. I tried to explain that he hadn't meant to scare her (the love-blinded fool) but no one listened. As usual.

^^This is fine--but it might be even stronger as dialogue. Let's hear the narrator make this suggestion and let's hear Ma'am Gertrude tell her story in her own unique voice. Plus it makes a nice transition point out of your summary tone.

I like your parenthetical here; this one doesn't distract from the flow. "As usual" is also nice.

Thanks for the submission! You've got some intriguing worldbuilding here. I always like the idea of magic moons, and the idea of different concentrations of lunar radiation is a useful concept narratively; since it allows you to justify more or less powerful magic effects depending on casting location. (Also has some interesting political implications on where the most valuable land is.)

I agree with Iris--if this is dialogue; you'll want to use quotes and periodically break this up with dialogue tags and actions. Generally speaking the suggestions Iris made work well with the structure of the passage. Also agreed on breaking up that second paragraph.

Beyond just changing the formatting, 200 words is probably too long for a single character to be talking about worldbuilding if there isn't an immediately relevant reason it's important. Can you break this up with character interactions & dialogue? Or can you motivate the protagonist so that acquiring this information is relevant to their goals? Then the information can be delivered more immersively, and will matter more to the reader.

I agree with pretty much everything Iris said about characterization, and won't bother to repeat it. It's tough to get a sense of the professor's personality through just this. More importantly (unless the professor is the narrator!), we have no sense at all of the protagonist's personality.

Language wise; I'd advise you to keep an eye out for word bloat. You add a lot of needless clauses like "seems to", "usually", "particularly", "able to", and repeated information to your writing. I have this problem too. 90% of the time you can just cut them out, and the passage will be stronger.

Welcome, Novices--or Neophytes, whatever they are calling you this year--to Fundamentals of Magic, one of theyour required courses for Novices or Neonates (neophyte I think), whatever they are calling you this year. Hopefully you have all gotten settled in since your arrival. I am Professor Harlow. Today's lesson will be fairly short since it's our first class, and I'm sure havingyou'll appreciate a little more time before your next class will be helpful.

^^This is a bit "as you know"; surely everyone listening to this speech knows what class they're in. That said, professors do sometimes go on like this--it can work if it's a consistent character trait.

Changed neonate to neophyte; neonate means infant. Added the dashes to space out the parenthetical more. I'd only leave that in if it's important to characterization; it's not important.

It's clear from context that the reason the class will be short is it's first.

I'm going to break this paragraph up a bit to make this more readable:

Now, how much history do you littles know? Five Hhundred and Ttwenty-Ffive years ago, the Magemoon began to orbit the planet. While it was not known at the time, the Magemoon emits a radiation known by many colloquial names, but formally as Dynami tis Silanis, or Lunar Power. This invisible and nearly-inescapable radiation has and continues to buildt up in the atmosphere, soil, water, and people on the planet.

^^"Littles" seems a little weird, but that might just be me. I don't think the rhetorical question helps as part of the text wall; but if you keep it in it might be a characterization opporunity--eg, Harlow could scan the audience and sigh in disappointment when no one raises a hand.

Nitpick, but it's a little weird that we're going straight into this on the first part of the first class. What about the syllabus?

I know this isn't about your wording, but if you're going to mix in scientific stuff like orbits and radiation, make sure you've done enough research to use the terms correctly.

I recommend limiting proper nouns as much as possible; readers will only tolerate so many, and prefer they be intuitively understood. Magemoon is fine. Dynami tis Silanis is a mouthful. Let's just call it lunar radiation.

When the Magemoon first appeared, arcane workingsmagic could only be done with great effort, time, effort, and usually only in direct view of the Magemoon. Nowadays, as I'm sure you are familiar, gifted children can perform arcane feats at any timemany common arcane feats are now able to be performed by particularly gifted children at almost any time. I would not be surprised at all to hear that each of you have been able to consciously manifested effects prior to your invitation here to Gwimmermort.

^^Again; it's clumsy to have the professor to tell the kids things they already should know. A brief recap like this is probably okay; but don't call attention to it.

Only gifted children can preform magic? Not adults? This is unclear.

The use of Gwimmermort is clear and tells the reader exactly what it is without a lengthy explanation. This is a good way to introduce proper nouns.

This variability in effectiveness of arcane workings, also known as Urges, from the Greek suffix -urgy, which means 'to work', lead to the ongoing development of technology and scientific principles. For some, this has led to the outlook of magic asAs a result, some believe magic is merely another branch of science. I do not agree with this viewdisagree, as science is built upon reliable and repeatable principles, while magic or working, again due to the variability of Dynami tis Silanis concentration, relies much more on intuition and the ability to sense what one might be able to do with the local variable resources.

^^I know the language trivia is meant to be characterization. It's a good impulse, but I don't think it belongs in this lecture. This is something you might reintroduce as a piece of trivia the professor shares with a student.

I have no idea what the first sentence of this paragraph is supposed to mean.

Not a wording comment; but if Harlow is meant to be correct here, I disagree. It's fair to view magic as a craft on the basis that it involves intuitive context-assessment skills, but being a craft doesn't mean it's not a science. Most crafts are also sciences. Optionally you could re-write this to have Harlow encouraging students to see themselves as creators/artists rather than scientists, since that's a more useful perspective for what they're going to be learning to do, but that still wouldn't mean magic isn't a science. (Again, this is a nitpick and entirely optional.)

This page has a link to all the articles on scripting and item use: Help & Info

I think the easiest way to fix your problem is to change the way the item is added to the player's inventory--instead of setting the item spawn page, use a link (or page) script to use the $ITEMSTATE variable to add it directly to their inventory. (This article explains it, but you should read intermediate articles on scripting and items first.)

Instead, you could also change $ITEMSTATE to 2 so that the item won't reappear in its original location when dropped. I'm not sure if there's a way to get the "drop" link to do this, but you can definitely do so for the item script itself. (This will also require you to read several other articles.)

You can also avoid the issue entirely by creating 2 copies of the page: one for the player's first visit (where they pick up the item) and one for future visits where the item won't appear.

This is good! You effectively set an ominous atmosphere in the first paragraph, and do a good job connecting your worldbuilding to the action. You've grabbed my attention, and I'm interested to learn what happens next.

A couple suggestions: 1) There are a number of places where the sentence flow is slightly awkward, but it's tricky for me to tell why. Reading your passages out loud to yourself might help with identifying spots like this. (This is me admitting I can't think of any more specific advice to give you.) 2) Your description is nice--but I think you can get in more character development too. This reads as pure backstory. If you bear in mind the narrator's thoughts on all this, you can use it to flavor the narration & their actions. 3) On a similar note as point 2; word choice could be a little more narrowly focused on the tone/mood/character attitude you're trying to set.

(EDIT: Ah, I missed the part where you said this was based on a worldbuilding idea--that explains the subdued characterization. Fair enough.)

I also added commas in a few places, they might be hard to see.

“It’s here! It has arrived!”

^^I'd suggest adding a dialogue tag. Something as simple as "the man screamed" would be fine.

Dropping theyour hammer in your hands, you speedrace out of the smithy immediately. aA huge cloud of dust looms from to the south. Tip-toeing to reachpeer over the village palisades, you noticespot the grand spires of the Merikon standing proud over the mountaintop. An ode to a forgotten god, the spires are They’re huge cathedrals, living relics, acting as cities in themselves., being an ode to a forgotten god. As tTheir wheels slowly grind slowly as they travel across the world, they trek from town to town, taking in the sick, daring, or desperate, into their unfathomableimpenetrable catacombs. It’s a one-way voyage. Nobody had yet has ever come out of a Merikon alive. But that does not stop the dozens of lepers shuffling towards it with blissful expressions upon their faces.

^^I agree with a number of RK's edits. 'Notice' seemed a bit causal for this big a deal. I also think there should be more emotional reaction from the narrator here; which you can get in through physical actions. Do they tightly grip the palisades (in fear)? Scowl and squit at the spires (in anger)?

I don't understand what "an ode to a forgotten god" means. If that's literal and will be explained later, that's fine. If it's figurative language, you may want to pick something clearer. The same goes for the other descriptors you use here (living relics, cities, cathedrals, etc.).

I'm more interested in what they look like. All we know right now is they're spires--that could mean anything. You can use visual description to set the right mood; visually comparing them to the spires you might see in a cathedral is one way you might do this.

Nitpick; "trek" literally means "walk", so a wheel can't trek.

Nitpick; I don't like "unfathomable" as a description here. It's useful when a character isn't able to process something they're looking at; ie unfathomable depths. It's less useful when you're just describing a concept since nothing about the idea of a catacomb seems unfathomable. I think impenetrable is a little better; it suggests that the catacombs are difficult to enter and has a similar mood.

I like the pacing of "It's a one way voyage." This short punchy sentence coming after your earlier figurative language has a good impact.

The Merikon have been around for eons, and yet they’re clouded in mystery. The oOnly recounts of rumors exist come from the adventuring few adventurers who dared to climb its steps to take a peeklook inside. They saw only a single being within its ornate but empty halls,: a priest, who stoodstanding unmoving at the altar as if a captain at the helm, unmoving, robe stained red offrom the blood that flowed incessantly from hisits gouged-out eyes as it steered the Merikon across the land. In a moment, as if it had sensed them, tA moment later, the priest slowly turned to face them, and aits shriek slammed the grand doors shut with the power of a storm.

^^Not sure I like "clouded". Shrouded? "Take a peek" is kind of casual and contradicts your ominous tone. No need to include "but empty", we already know there's only one person. Changed the comma to a colon for a dramatic pause.

I like likening the priest to a captain, but I think directly stating it makes it less impactful. You're already getting captain imagery through the word "steering", and can probably fit in more if you try. I cut some stuff out, but I think the sentence is still too long--can you split it up?

Not sure how I feel about the shriek being what slammed the door shut. I like the imagery. Others might find it confusing. Your call.

It wasThis is the first time the Merikon has arrived at your village in centuries. You hadve to get in.

^^You switched to past tense here. This may be outside the scope of this excerpt, but we don't know why the narrator wants to get in yet, and have no reason to care about whether or not they succeed.

This is pretty good! Your phrasing is generally clear and understandable. The dialogue sounds natural, and is clearly personalized to the identity of the speaker. There were a couple of SPAG errors. Overall, I'd suggest looking for opportunities the narrator's personality when writing from their perspective.

You're rudely awoken by wake to the sound of raucous sound and shouting from the floor below. Moonlight seeps through the slits in the windows, faintly illuminating the room. No one else is here;--all the others must be downstairs arguing about who knows what.

^^The narrator has just been rudely woken--you can get more milage out of that. I made a suggestion of how they might interpret it, but you know their personality better and can swap in a more appropriate response.

Agreed with Petros on the first sentence. I think "the sound of" is also unnecessary.

Your use of "Who knows what" is a good example of showing the narrator's personality.

You're inclined to investigate. The makeshift straw bedding wasn't comfortable anyway.

^^The phrasing is fine, but I think you can do better than "inclined to investigate" and a clinical remark on the bedding for narrator personality. (Unless this is a very reserved & even-keeled person.)

For example: A grumpy, exhausted person might roll out of bed with a groan. Someone who likes drama might spring up eagerly, straining to hear the voices below. A peacemaker might hurridly dress themselves and stumble downstairs, hoping they're not too late.

(That said; I do like the remark on the bedding setting the scene, and it's a good starting spot for a character moment. What sort of bed is this narrator used to? How do they feel about this poor one?)

Creeping across the floorboards to reach the stairs, you're finally get close enough to hear clearly.

^^Your original wording was slightly ungrammatical.

"You can't be serious!" splutters Sir Poton. "Go north?"

^^Added a dialogue tag. Your choices of tone. If you were trying to indicate that the narrator is noticing who it is that's speaking, you can clarify that with something like "you recognize Sir Poton's voice."

"The English believe they've had their fill." It's a gruff, thick voice. It must be that Étienne person. "They'll be bound for Calais."

^^I like the dialogue tag here; you do a good job showing the narrator's thoughts in an immersive way.

"You want this group, --with an old man and two children, --to chase them down?" Even after all you've seen, yYou've never heard the knight sound so vexed.

^^Agreed with Petros, new paragraph here. I think the dashes will better show that that comment is parenthetical.

You round the corner, keen on not to being noticed. The room below is lit by two candles, one on top of a table between the two soldiers, and the other carried by young Gilles. and flanked by Blaise in the corner.

^^"Flanked by Blaise" is a little unclear, and it's somewhat awkward to shift focus from the candles mid-sentence.

"If they get there, they win." Étienne says, "they win.".

^^Nitpick, but I think this order is better. You add space by splitting up the sentence with a dialogue tag, and I think this one works best as a unit.

"They already won," Poton points out. "Decisively."

"Only if he lives," the other man rumbles ominously.

^^"He" is a little vague since Poton was refering to "they". A name would be better. If you're trying to keep someone's identity secret, a vague title like "the captain" would work instead.

"I don't enjoy admitting defeat just as much as any more than you do, but we have to prioritize their lives now!" The knight waves to the others in the room Gilles and Blaise. "And hims!" He points upwards, still thinking you're asleep towards the bedroom.

^^I suggest emphasizing "their". Naming the people under discussion is more clear. I think the reader can tell who Poton is referring to, so this lets you show that without the narrator guessing at this thoughts. If you did want to clarify it, framing it as a guess might be better.

Thanks for posting! Overall your sentence structure is pretty good; the reading flows easily and feels natural.

Stepping back, I chiefly agree with everything Gower says: this concept would be stronger if it's shown through visual details instead of just words. Internal reflection is okay, but it's best when paired with external prompting. This excerpt as it is has the difficult task delivering an emotional climax for something we haven't seen any buildup for, and is held back by the awkwardness of the speaker talking to herself in the mirror.

This makes it difficult to do a sentence edit for this passage, since you'll probably get more milage out of re-writing it entirely. But I'll give feedback on the wording too. Most of what I have to say is just eliminating unnecessary words. Your sentence structure was generally pretty good.

I lock the bathroom door, . My hands trembling as I grip the sink. His venomous insults still echo in the silence of my mind. I look at my reflection in the mirror, eyes red and puffy. "Look at the state of me," I whisper to myself.

^^Nitpicks, mostly.

"Why does it always end with us having rows and arguments, why does it always come to this? It feels like I'm not even with the same man I married anymore. He's lazy, he doesn't do his own washing or laundry anymore. He's not the same man I fell in love with six years ago. Did he lie to me, trick me?"

"Can he not't he tell how much he hurts me, can he not tell h? How much he's pushing me away? Maybe he does and just doesn't care anymore."

"All he does is work, come home, and play video games till he sleeps,. I'm sick of it! Nothing I say works..."

"Can I really stay with him? I'm trapped in this cycle of feeling neglected, unloved, and begging and fighting for scraps of his attention?. Can I really stay with him?"

^^Changed the order to move more impactful lines later.

"What will my life look like without him, w? We've been together for so long now,... can I go on without him?"