Avarga

If I had to sum up this story in a single phrase, it would be "unfulfilled promise."

I was immediately impressed with the lore and the setting. This is exactly up my alley. I love being immersed in a brandnew world complete with its own customs and mythology. Several of my own stories focus heavily on this sort of thing.

But unfortunately, that's really all there is to this story. A great setting, some interesting lore, and then pretty much no plot. I mean, there's a plot, technically, but really the protagonist has no clear objective. At first you're an infant giant trying to find your place in the world, then, depending on what you choose, you're either cast into the wild, found, and the game ends without ceremony because you made the wrong initial choice (biting—if you read the lore link, you'll find giants are born without teeth, which may be enough to have you choose the non-losing option), or you meet some sort of ancient being and then give a rousing speech to your fellow giants before a monumental epic battle.... which never happens.

That's right. This story is basically a huge blue balls trap. It ends right BEFORE the climax.

Anothre issue I found were the random author's notes. Granted, they are written immersively, from the perspective of some sort of archeologist or explorer. But they still interrupt the story. These notes should either all be at the beginning of the story, or more directly woven into the story, or found in a note or book that the protagonist finds. Random interruptions to the narrative with no rhyme or reason pulls you out of the story—even if they are lore friendly or expanding.

So, my overall impression is that this was a great FIRST CHAPTER. The lore is solid, the world is interesting, but the author doesn't really give us a complete story. It's kind of a shame, because this had a lot of promise. Maybe the author will finish it someday.


Lastly, two things: One, I advise against phrases like "practice ease," since they might get you accused of using AI to write your story. And two, the author gets bonus points for an entire page of this:

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Lol. Finish the story!

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, this review will contain some spoilers, so I implore you to read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

The description says this is an “epic tale of courage, sacrifice, and redemption”. I must admit that I’m too used to the other definition of ‘epic’, hence this briefly confused me when I checked the word count. Either way, Enter is known to be a proficient writer, so I’m looking forward to this story. Oh, and ‘your’ after the comma shouldn’t be capitalized.

The first page has a great description of being born. I enjoyed the attention to language here, with the use of the word ‘something’ to depict the newborn protagonist’s lack of knowledge about the situation. It focuses on individual details, engaging sight and hearing and touch, which all contribute to painting the larger picture. There was a typo, though: ‘prys’ should be ‘pries’.

Then, there’s a twist: the protagonist is a giant. The next scene is one with his mum. A small suggestion would be to put the info-link either on top or the bottom, rather than in between the two choices.

WORLDBUILDING & WRITING STYLE

I found it refreshing that the author’s note was written in the form of a letter rather than an infodump. Not only did it provide information on the giants, but it also told a story and portrayed humanity’s prejudices against them. The heavy bias in the writing leads the reader to wonder just how much is true.

Onto the prose. I really liked how it takes the time to immerse readers by zooming in on specific details—the “blur of red, brown, and blue lines”; the world filled with a “deep rhythmic rumble”; blood around a mouth “shining brightly in the night's light”. The best part is how these details are built around the plot, serving to move the story forward rather than slowing it down.

I enjoyed this instance of pairing a cumulative sentence with pathetic fallacy to create an emotional impact: “So you let yourself fall, gaze fixed on the distance, where dark clouds roll overhead, mirroring the melancholy within, crying out in heavy flakes of snowfall.” Each new detail paints a picture of the harsh setting while ramping up the intensity of the situation, reflecting the protagonist’s emotional state.

Proofreading was quite good; the only grammatical errors I found were a few typos and wrongly capitalized words. Despite the sophisticated style of writing, there are some parts of the prose which demonstrates the protagonist’s child-like way of thinking. For instance, he refers to the other mammoth as ‘not-Chuluuna’ and doesn’t understand his mother’s story in the other branch.

Overall, the story was very well written, with an almost rhythmic prose. Long sentences were effectively used for description—concrete imagery for the setting, and abstract imagery to convey the protagonist’s emotions and fears. As for short, simple sentences, they were employed to build suspense: “Where are your hands? You miss your hands. You scream. All that comes out is a ragged shape.” This quickens the pace and portrays the protagonist’s panic.

CHARACTER & PLOT

It’s interesting how the protagonist’s name depends on his reaction to being grabbed by his father’s hands. This also changes the storyline and his personality.

In the devourer path, the protagonist and his half-brother fights as children, perhaps signaling the vicious nature set out in the letter. This is especially considering he gets a piece of his lower back bitten off. Then they chase each other and the protagonist meets a mammoth. It’s implied that he has some form of telepathic abilities to read its name, before their father comes to rescue the brother. His simplistic dialogue is a nice way of showing his age and development.

The protagonist’s actions as a child are well-characterized. When I was a child, just like the protagonist, I had a tendency to argue back and accuse my parents of acting unfairly haha. Yet, the fact that the protagonist’s first instinct when his parents disappeared is to blame his half-brother shows that their hostility towards one another is more than mere sibling rivalry; or perhaps, this is just a reflection of his childishness and immaturity. Unfortunately, we never know the answer as the story ends abruptly when the protagonist is taken to the Giant’s house.

Given the info-link about giant housing and how it ends with a return link, I would bet that this path was cut short due to contest constraints. It would have been nice to see the rest of the story play out—after all, I’m still waiting for the part of the tale about ‘courage, sacrifice, and redemption’.

By contrast, the other path seems more peaceful. The protagonist is told a story of how giants came to be, though at the end, he speaks of his desire to fight. It slightly breaks immersion that the reader gets to choose the mother’s reaction rather than the protagonist. Note: the link ‘Mother pointedly remains silent’ loops back to the current page. Not sure if it was intentional, but the second *THE TITANS ARE WAKING* link automatically ends the game.

I preferred the second path to the first, mainly because the protagonist had a realistic goal. After spending years hearing the story of Burkhan Khaldun, he sets out on a mission to see this for himself. Then he becomes the chosen one, passes out, and rallies all the seers and giants together at the end.

“Will you stand to lead; or will your story be cut short?” Seems like both of these are true. You get to lead, briefly, before your story is cut short.

There were so many fascinating aspects of worldbuilding, like how giant societies work and how the settlements are arranged into four circles, each serving a different purpose. It felt like reading about a real, existing culture. I would have liked to see the protagonist explore these different locations, settle into a new life here, maybe with the chance to one day achieve greatness or search for his family. In the other path, I read about the culture of giant tribes—was this foreshadowing how the protagonist could lead one of them in the future, or maybe building up a plotline where he would find a wife?

There were so many unanswered questions that were never resolved. Regardless, this is a solid story as it is, and I suppose it’s a good thing my main critique is that I wish to see more of it.

Review 6 - Avarga

I feel that this is again a story that Enter wrote on a rush. It's still pretty good for what it is, but it wasn't one of his best. One of thekey signs of a story that has clearly been written hours before the deadline is broken links and it did have those in Butlagch's route. (Mother pointedly remains silent) and the Titan are waking links.


The funny thing is, is that perhaps due to the impending deadline, the prose was a lot simpler and therefore easier to read. I think that from all the stories I read so far from Enter, that this one was the easiest to follow. Compliments!

One thing I also noticed was the relentless copying of words and swats of descriptions between the two routes. The story is very efficient in its words, doesn't waste any of it haha.

The story is split between two routes: the giants vs the titans. What I like the most are the tidbits of interconnectedness between the two routes. For example, the Giant commenting that he wants to fight a titan etc. It makes the world slightly bigger and more lived in. I also find it cute that you added dates and stuff, even in the author's notes and written these notes like they are history books. The tone and language also were different and more formal in these two short blocks of text. They were a pretty good shorthand to expand on the worldbuilding.

(TBH, I don't particularly like author's notes in the middle of a story too much, but since this story is crazy short and written in a very tight deadline, I think it is acceptable to use it.)

In the future, I would have liked to see this information being incorporated in a possible third route. (perhaps the far future or a more technological advanced society writing about titans and giants etc.)

I felt that the giant route had better pacing, but the ending was clearly cut short (The text even outright stated it). The titan's pacing is a bit wonky, but I think the ending wrapped up the loose threads a bit better. I don't have any preference for either route, though I have a feeling that the Giant's route was written first.

Overall, the story is not an example of a good story, but an example of how a story written within a few hours/during one night can still be a rather enjoyable read. Just by looking at the prose alone, I know that given some more time, the author can weave a story better than this one.

Avarga made for an enjoyable read what with the interesting premise chosen, but it felt more like a "preview" or trailer to an upcoming storygame rather than a finished short piece. Had it been a polished full game, I'd easily have given it a 7/8 due to the brilliance the writer showed in taking a straightforward prompt about giants, and morphing it into what is shown by incorporating Mongolian history and culture (along with Tengrism).

Reading through the first few passages, it gave off the impression of the basic fantasy lore with a little spin to it was going to be used for the remainder of the story, but color me surprised when I read "Borjigin" in a sentence! That's when I stsrte to piece together the puzzle pieces.

The main character's life is essentially an emulation of the "historical mongol giant" Ghengis Khan, or Temujin Borjigin, the son of Yesuge Borjigin. His relationship with his half-brother and desire to kill him is also derived from Temujin killing one of his half-brothers. I could go on and on about the fascination and expectations I have of this storygame, but I'll close the historical nerdy rambling here.

On to more pressing matters: The branching, grammar and links (choices)

1. Branching

So apparently there are two main brsnches the player could go which is essentially decided from the vbery first choice. Teo different branches, with essentially two different protagonists (names, personality, relationship with the half-brother, story, lifespan).

Now here is where things get interesting, but before that I'll point out that the routes are extremely linear, with only one or two death endings. Now as for the interesting part, the first route ends rsther abruptly after being found abandoned in the middle of nowhere,while the second route, which feels more like the true and winning branch, has a timeskip and ends at the point where the Chosen One has united the divided clans. I wonder if the writer intends on expanding the first route as a revenge route, with MC against his father or half-brother.

2. Grammar

Well, not much to say about the grammar, as there wasn't anything noticeable.

3. Links for choices

Okay, now here I'll have to report a bug on the link for the choice on the "Chosen Route" where MC asks his mother on why she isn't fighting for his father's attention. It doesn't redirect you to the next page, it just loops back to the same page.

Though unfinished and rushed in places, I found Avarga to be a compelling story. The setting is masterfully done, established through glimpses of the world rather than giant infodumps. Characters were interesting and I wish this story was longer so that I could've read more about them. The mysticism of the giants was a particularly nice touch, it both establishes the fantastical elements of the setting and sets up the main plotline in a nice little bow. There was also some attempt at branching, what with the missing Mother and different clan plotline that was unfortunately not complete.

That's really the main issue with this story. It's too short and what is there is not enough, in terms of content. Other than that, I don't really have an issue with anything. If the author came back, added some more to the story I'd give it a 7 or maybe even an 8. As it stands, 5/8.

I have some mixed feelings about this storygame. On the one hand, I really did like the opening scene. I was immediately intrigued by the society the player character was being born into and the first page made me want to continue reading.

I have to say that there weren't as many choices in this storygame as I would have liked, and the very first choice, about whether to bite or push away, seemed quite random. On my first playthrough, I picked the option to bite the hand, which was something I thought might fit what I understood of the player character's people. And the information about the Giants' physiology seemed to fit with that assumption. Speaking of which, I really liked the use of the letters to impart more information about the race...although I didn't actually find out anything about the letter writer or who they were addressing those letters to.

The storygame itself felt very linear, with very few choices in the first path I followed - to bite the hand. I would have liked it if there'd been more options when the half brother attacked the player character...and I really didn't understand why the player character was left behind. I mean, part of that was probably because the player character was still quite young at the time (though I wasn't sure how old), but there seemed to be no logic behind it...and I didn't get an explanation, since that path ended in death no matter which choice I made.

The other path seemed to have a bit more detail to it, though the first choice wasn't really a choice. One of the options just looped back to the previous page - but even so, it was a choice that didn't really feel like it would have much impact on the story; plus, it was a choice about what another character was doing, which made little sense, as every other choice related only to the player character.

I did like the scene with the seers, and found it quite intriguing...but I will say that the storygame went from relatively slow moving to pretty fast moving very rapidly. And there were several moments where the choices weren't really choices - just two choices that said the same thing.

I would have liked to see more of the wider world, and more of the characters, too. At the moment, this storygame feels very unfinished, but what I did read of it really engaged me, and I did enjoy it. I would hope that the author will come back to this and update/expand it in the future!

A contest entry? That likely means it’ll be rushed towards the end, but I shouldn’t judge too quickly. Epic tale? I’m going to be pretty mad if it isn’t epic now.

Black clot of blood? The baby was holding blood? The baby is bleeding? The mom is bleeding? Oh wait, no! IT STILL SAYS FIRST PAGE AT THE TOP! Please no… T-T

A few moments? Giants must be magic… well, I mean of course they are. So, the loud rumbles were likely steps and my mom’s lack of reaction makes me think this is my dad or someone I’m supposed to be picked up by so I’ll push myself free. I just wanted to be a good kid, but I see that isn’t an option here.

Yep, probably my dad. What’s butlagch? Yes, I’m quite clearly born.

Oh, it’s my (very weird) name. When you said he titans were flawed, did you mean the titans were flawed?

I chose the first option, that she stayed silent. Wait, why did it send me to the exact same page? Hold on, I’m going to click go back to check if the time stamp at the top changed. No… it’s the exact same page! What’s this about? I’ll do ignore then but this will lower your score.

Great wide sky or great wild sky? Stay consistent.

On page (this is absurdly long, a lot of them are a bit lengthy) Then you step forth into the dizzying embrace of the otherworldly, you didn’t capitalize ach, and ach beat makes no sense. Also on this page, you use the word comprehension two times close together.

Still the same page, maybe for the voice you could do italics or something. I'm fine with the all caps and think it’s a good idea but I’m not so sure about the asterisks. WOAH, big words, what?! I need to google these real quick… ok I get it now, but it’s weird to say something’s super small twice in a row. At least, I think so.

Woah, you could’ve just said that once and then put that it repeated. Of course, because it’s clear that it repeated, the reader doesn’t have to read the whole thing but it still hurts my brain. Also, both options say the same thing! I’ll just do the top one.

Ugh… the titans are waking twice, then a passing out option. I’ll just do the higher the titans are waking.

Again, Wide or Wild? Oh wait- that was a sudden end!

Ok, now I’m out of stream of though reviewing. So, in general, I think this was pretty good and a cool idea that could use some polishing. For example, if memory serves well, you referred to the sky as the great wild sky then great wide sky. As I pointed out in my stream of thought, there was a word (ach) that hadn’t been capitalized.

Also the description mentioned the story (partly) being about redemption, which I didn’t see although that may just be in a different branch.

PLOT:
Eh, decent. There didn’t seem to be a climax, or really any point in the story that got me feeling much of anything. It’s not that short stories can’t be good, but I feel like not enough connection to the character was built to feel much emotion, and feel much emotion at which part? The talking to the mountain thing?

I just feel like this could have been done better. I would be more specific, but sadly I’m not great at pinpointing WHAT is wrong, just get a really bad/weird feeling that SOMETHING is wrong.

CHARACTERS:
So generally it seems that we (the readers) are the only character. There’s a bit of the mother, hardly any of the father, and some of the important mountain dude. I don’t think you did all that well in this category. Maybe it’s just my branch, but I still think it’s best to try and make all branches decent/good.

While it seems I’m (I’m just going to refer to the mc as me now) the only character, we’re still not characterized that well. I don’t have a feeling of who I am, no, I have no idea at all who I am. What kind of a person I am. I probably won’t even remember this character’s name. Even with few words, I feel like it’s plenty possible to set up a good character.

WORLDBUILDING:
Eh… not much to talk about here. There’s some discussion about how mountains and lakes and stuff came to be, but really not much worldbuilding at all.

OTHER/OVERALL:
There’s probably things I’m forgetting, but that’s fine. I rated this before reviewing it, and am now facepalming. I guess I just didn’t take long to think about it. Anywho, it was decent (ish), probably better than I made it seem, and a cool idea!

(after I just glanced at the other reviews) Oh shoot, how did I miss that! >< Yeah, like Mystic said, the your shouldn’t be capitalized.

I would call this an experiment, rather than a story, but what a glorious experiment it is.

The actual writing in this piece is perfect. The narration flows like honey and conveys the harsh unrelenting environment. I loved the part where the father breaks into another (older?) language and the strange sound of all the names. This was deeply immersive and I enjoyed my time in the harsh-cold world of giants. The nomadic culture of the giants is fascinating.

Of course I would have liked to stay a bit longer, the story never really kicks into second gear. So if this was an experiment it was a highly successful one. Now we want more, MORE, M O R E !!!

Avarga was a really interesting story whose only sin was being rushed to meet a contest deadline.

It is truly tragic when you see a story that could be great, but is left unfinished. Reading it, there's the potential of this really epic story about giants, but so far, it's not enough.

Please come back to finish this sometime Enter, this work is incredibly promising and super interesting. Tons of people would enjoy seeing this completed.

Really goody story