Avarga

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, this review will contain some spoilers, so I implore you to read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

The description says this is an “epic tale of courage, sacrifice, and redemption”. I must admit that I’m too used to the other definition of ‘epic’, hence this briefly confused me when I checked the word count. Either way, Enter is known to be a proficient writer, so I’m looking forward to this story. Oh, and ‘your’ after the comma shouldn’t be capitalized.

The first page has a great description of being born. I enjoyed the attention to language here, with the use of the word ‘something’ to depict the newborn protagonist’s lack of knowledge about the situation. It focuses on individual details, engaging sight and hearing and touch, which all contribute to painting the larger picture. There was a typo, though: ‘prys’ should be ‘pries’.

Then, there’s a twist: the protagonist is a giant. The next scene is one with his mum. A small suggestion would be to put the info-link either on top or the bottom, rather than in between the two choices.

WORLDBUILDING & WRITING STYLE

I found it refreshing that the author’s note was written in the form of a letter rather than an infodump. Not only did it provide information on the giants, but it also told a story and portrayed humanity’s prejudices against them. The heavy bias in the writing leads the reader to wonder just how much is true.

Onto the prose. I really liked how it takes the time to immerse readers by zooming in on specific details—the “blur of red, brown, and blue lines”; the world filled with a “deep rhythmic rumble”; blood around a mouth “shining brightly in the night's light”. The best part is how these details are built around the plot, serving to move the story forward rather than slowing it down.

I enjoyed this instance of pairing a cumulative sentence with pathetic fallacy to create an emotional impact: “So you let yourself fall, gaze fixed on the distance, where dark clouds roll overhead, mirroring the melancholy within, crying out in heavy flakes of snowfall.” Each new detail paints a picture of the harsh setting while ramping up the intensity of the situation, reflecting the protagonist’s emotional state.

Proofreading was quite good; the only grammatical errors I found were a few typos and wrongly capitalized words. Despite the sophisticated style of writing, there are some parts of the prose which demonstrates the protagonist’s child-like way of thinking. For instance, he refers to the other mammoth as ‘not-Chuluuna’ and doesn’t understand his mother’s story in the other branch.

Overall, the story was very well written, with an almost rhythmic prose. Long sentences were effectively used for description—concrete imagery for the setting, and abstract imagery to convey the protagonist’s emotions and fears. As for short, simple sentences, they were employed to build suspense: “Where are your hands? You miss your hands. You scream. All that comes out is a ragged shape.” This quickens the pace and portrays the protagonist’s panic.

CHARACTER & PLOT

It’s interesting how the protagonist’s name depends on his reaction to being grabbed by his father’s hands. This also changes the storyline and his personality.

In the devourer path, the protagonist and his half-brother fights as children, perhaps signaling the vicious nature set out in the letter. This is especially considering he gets a piece of his lower back bitten off. Then they chase each other and the protagonist meets a mammoth. It’s implied that he has some form of telepathic abilities to read its name, before their father comes to rescue the brother. His simplistic dialogue is a nice way of showing his age and development.

The protagonist’s actions as a child are well-characterized. When I was a child, just like the protagonist, I had a tendency to argue back and accuse my parents of acting unfairly haha. Yet, the fact that the protagonist’s first instinct when his parents disappeared is to blame his half-brother shows that their hostility towards one another is more than mere sibling rivalry; or perhaps, this is just a reflection of his childishness and immaturity. Unfortunately, we never know the answer as the story ends abruptly when the protagonist is taken to the Giant’s house.

Given the info-link about giant housing and how it ends with a return link, I would bet that this path was cut short due to contest constraints. It would have been nice to see the rest of the story play out—after all, I’m still waiting for the part of the tale about ‘courage, sacrifice, and redemption’.

By contrast, the other path seems more peaceful. The protagonist is told a story of how giants came to be, though at the end, he speaks of his desire to fight. It slightly breaks immersion that the reader gets to choose the mother’s reaction rather than the protagonist. Note: the link ‘Mother pointedly remains silent’ loops back to the current page. Not sure if it was intentional, but the second *THE TITANS ARE WAKING* link automatically ends the game.

I preferred the second path to the first, mainly because the protagonist had a realistic goal. After spending years hearing the story of Burkhan Khaldun, he sets out on a mission to see this for himself. Then he becomes the chosen one, passes out, and rallies all the seers and giants together at the end.

“Will you stand to lead; or will your story be cut short?” Seems like both of these are true. You get to lead, briefly, before your story is cut short.

There were so many fascinating aspects of worldbuilding, like how giant societies work and how the settlements are arranged into four circles, each serving a different purpose. It felt like reading about a real, existing culture. I would have liked to see the protagonist explore these different locations, settle into a new life here, maybe with the chance to one day achieve greatness or search for his family. In the other path, I read about the culture of giant tribes—was this foreshadowing how the protagonist could lead one of them in the future, or maybe building up a plotline where he would find a wife?

There were so many unanswered questions that were never resolved. Regardless, this is a solid story as it is, and I suppose it’s a good thing my main critique is that I wish to see more of it.

Review 6 - Avarga

I feel that this is again a story that Enter wrote on a rush. It's still pretty good for what it is, but it wasn't one of his best. One of thekey signs of a story that has clearly been written hours before the deadline is broken links and it did have those in Butlagch's route. (Mother pointedly remains silent) and the Titan are waking links.


The funny thing is, is that perhaps due to the impending deadline, the prose was a lot simpler and therefore easier to read. I think that from all the stories I read so far from Enter, that this one was the easiest to follow. Compliments!

One thing I also noticed was the relentless copying of words and swats of descriptions between the two routes. The story is very efficient in its words, doesn't waste any of it haha.

The story is split between two routes: the giants vs the titans. What I like the most are the tidbits of interconnectedness between the two routes. For example, the Giant commenting that he wants to fight a titan etc. It makes the world slightly bigger and more lived in. I also find it cute that you added dates and stuff, even in the author's notes and written these notes like they are history books. The tone and language also were different and more formal in these two short blocks of text. They were a pretty good shorthand to expand on the worldbuilding.

(TBH, I don't particularly like author's notes in the middle of a story too much, but since this story is crazy short and written in a very tight deadline, I think it is acceptable to use it.)

In the future, I would have liked to see this information being incorporated in a possible third route. (perhaps the far future or a more technological advanced society writing about titans and giants etc.)

I felt that the giant route had better pacing, but the ending was clearly cut short (The text even outright stated it). The titan's pacing is a bit wonky, but I think the ending wrapped up the loose threads a bit better. I don't have any preference for either route, though I have a feeling that the Giant's route was written first.

Overall, the story is not an example of a good story, but an example of how a story written within a few hours/during one night can still be a rather enjoyable read. Just by looking at the prose alone, I know that given some more time, the author can weave a story better than this one.

Avarga made for an enjoyable read what with the interesting premise chosen, but it felt more like a "preview" or trailer to an upcoming storygame rather than a finished short piece. Had it been a polished full game, I'd easily have given it a 7/8 due to the brilliance the writer showed in taking a straightforward prompt about giants, and morphing it into what is shown by incorporating Mongolian history and culture (along with Tengrism).

Reading through the first few passages, it gave off the impression of the basic fantasy lore with a little spin to it was going to be used for the remainder of the story, but color me surprised when I read "Borjigin" in a sentence! That's when I stsrte to piece together the puzzle pieces.

The main character's life is essentially an emulation of the "historical mongol giant" Ghengis Khan, or Temujin Borjigin, the son of Yesuge Borjigin. His relationship with his half-brother and desire to kill him is also derived from Temujin killing one of his half-brothers. I could go on and on about the fascination and expectations I have of this storygame, but I'll close the historical nerdy rambling here.

On to more pressing matters: The branching, grammar and links (choices)

1. Branching

So apparently there are two main brsnches the player could go which is essentially decided from the vbery first choice. Teo different branches, with essentially two different protagonists (names, personality, relationship with the half-brother, story, lifespan).

Now here is where things get interesting, but before that I'll point out that the routes are extremely linear, with only one or two death endings. Now as for the interesting part, the first route ends rsther abruptly after being found abandoned in the middle of nowhere,while the second route, which feels more like the true and winning branch, has a timeskip and ends at the point where the Chosen One has united the divided clans. I wonder if the writer intends on expanding the first route as a revenge route, with MC against his father or half-brother.

2. Grammar

Well, not much to say about the grammar, as there wasn't anything noticeable.

3. Links for choices

Okay, now here I'll have to report a bug on the link for the choice on the "Chosen Route" where MC asks his mother on why she isn't fighting for his father's attention. It doesn't redirect you to the next page, it just loops back to the same page.

So my impressions with this story is that while it shows some promise, it is rather short and unpolished. Had you spent more time working on it during the contest, it definitely would have been a more stronger competitor.

So this story does do a good job of world building, and the first path does a good job of describing the animosity between the protagonist and their half brother. I admit, the moment where the mother made him sleep outside was harsh, but did a good job of teaching the reader about the harsh environment they are growing up in. I honestly hoped for more building on this, perhaps a duel to the death later on, but instead it just ends suddenly with what I can assume is the protagonist's death. A well-done buildup, only to fall short, it left me dissatisfied and disappointed, to be honest.

The second route, the link to 'mother pointedly remains silent' loops around to the same page. It should be added on or removed, as it's currently redundant.
The story your mother tells you of Erdu and the Titans is very well written, and I found myself enraptured by the way the story captured my imagination. I could literally see, in my mind's eye, a thousand plants, animals, and birds, flowing from the corpse of a Titan. Very well done.

In the page where you click on a link and it leads to THE TITANS ARE WAKING like a hundred times... I think you could have used that time to write more, and add corrections to the problems that I and others have pointed out.

However, going to confront the seers and uniting the tribes was a much more satisfying ending. It would be nice to see a sequel describing the war between the Giants and the Titans. This path had good plot and storytelling.

The font here was a lot better than I've seen in some other stories, and I saw no grammatical or spelling errors. In the end, a decent story, only lacking time.

Every time I read a rushed story by Enter, I wish he would publish a full-length story. Pacing-wise, Avarga is like the slow climb of a rollercoaster into the quick descent down, only it's not just the slow climb up we experience; it's the waiting in line, listening to the safety instructions (all limbs within the car, please), THEN the climb. With such a small amount of story, too much is put into the birth and lore beginning before time jumps and the story reaches the end. Probably the result of finishing for a contest deadline. With any story, we have to ask ourselves what is truly necessary and adds to the overall experience. I'm not sure the detailed birthing experience and lore adds to it, not with the events of the latter half once you're fully grown. I'm sure Enter knows all this would have published a different storygame without a contest deadline. However, a published story is a published story and will be judged as such. My verdict: for a repeat offender, 2 years parole and 6 months community service (a 5 in CYS language).

An interesting idea here that was quite well-written. I think the atmosphere for the story was well-set and though a little linear it had some interesting ideas. I think this story idea could have been developed further, it's quite an interesting premise. :)

There’s not much to say here, other than it was a pretty good read. It’s short, but what’s there is well written, and I enjoyed Enter’s prose and the way he went about forming the story. I’m not sure why it’s been rated so low, other than its length and how it seemed to be the prologue of a bigger story.

My favorite part was how your first choice impacted what name you were given and then how you were treated by your family. I do wish I understood a little more of the inspiration Enter had for the Giant’s culture, I think I would’ve appreciated the story more.

I do enjoy the way Enter writes and would be interested in seeing this as a longer story.

Much of what I wanted to say has already been echoed by others, but I'll say my piece.

Definitely well written with well defined atmospheres and moods. At the same time, it's essentially unfinished with clear signs of last-week contest rush. I caught a dead(looping) link close to the beginning.

Nevertheless, what is there is quite entertaining and worth reading. Nice work!

I’m captivated by this Giant culture. I wish this story was longer so I could learn more about them. The journal entries are great. The story ends in a cool place. I’d love to see more of this world!

Not all the branching paths are made equal. The path where you bite is a bit less developed than the alternate route. There also a link that just loops in on itself (“Mother pointedly remains silent” link).

Awesome world-building! I’m eager to see more.

Wasn't terrible but a little too linear.