Mute

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, this review will contain lots of spoilers, so I suggest you read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

From the description, this story appears to be quite character-driven. It sets up the situation: a botched surgery presents a seemingly insurmountable obstacle which gets in the way of the protagonist's dream. The story likely involves overcoming it or failing in the attempt.

On the first page, one effect of the botched surgery is revealed: a dead hand. I like how the protagonist's annoyance is conveyed through simple, seemingly irrelevant details such as not getting out of bed until her mother cusses or turning the song off only for her mother to turn it back on. There's a nonchalant attitude about the way some information is summarized in a line or two—"Today, you learn about Otto von Bismarck, the imperfect tense, and ribosomes. You eat leftover pizza for lunch."---like the protagonist is bored while recounting these details. It adds to the characterization and is realistic given her age as it takes place in a school setting.

A nitpick is that most details are told rather than shown. It reads more like a summary of events; a recount of the story rather than the story itself. Yet, this draws attention to the conversation with Isaac, as it's structured by lines of dialogue as opposed to prose. It makes sense given this is the highlight of the protagonist's day.

The protagonist is characterized as someone who's annoyed with her circumstances (and she has a good reason to be), but isn't afraid to show it. This already unfortunate situation is made worse when the teacher attempts to introduce her to another student who's either non-verbal or deaf. I like that it's implied but not explicitly stated given the context clues in the story. He is friendly enough, though the protagonist has no interest in talking to him. Still, he relates to her, and she is given the choice to give him a chance or stick to her previous choice.

WRITING STYLE

"Impulsively, you accept, and you’re exchanging phone numbers, and before you can even begin to regret what you did, Isaac’s running off, waving goodbye." — The choice to use a cumulative, slightly run-on sentence portrays this as an unbroken sequence of events, adding to the protagonist's thoughts of it all playing out before she had time to think twice.

On the path where the protagonist accepts his offer to hang out, I like the juxtaposition of joy and misery on the same page. The woman on tv is described as 'beautiful' with the audience shrieking in joy. It gets more descriptive too, as she has a "smooth, powerful voice" and "looks so happy, like it’s her first day in paradise. Like her life was complete."

The last sentence is the most impactful. It perfectly encapsulates the protagonist’s dream. To her, the woman on the screen is the epitome of success, the person she wants to become. But the surgery took all that away—it's quite emotional, especially since this story doesn't shy away from showing the protagonist’s inner thoughts and struggles. It's a perfect example of how stakes in a story are always defined by their impact on a character. Here, the protagonist’s desire is conveyed so strongly that the reader empathizes easily.

Choice of diction is used to craft atmospheres well. For instance, the cafe is a ‘small place’ with ‘warm’ air and ‘smells of cinnamon’, which creates a cozy feel. There’s a slight overreliance on adjectives to cultivate this, though. Pathetic fallacy is employed nicely as the protagonist’s mood is reflected in the sky, “which is mostly cloudy today, with only a few spots of blue poking through”. And symbolism too—hope is showcased through the protagonist’s drawings of “a raging storm, a rainbow, and the rising sun”.

The conversational styles of each character distinguishes between them. For instance, Isaac’s words included more hesitant remarks through ellipses and questions to find out more about the protagonist. As a result, she emulated this. On the other hand, Patch is more vulgar and harsh with her words, leading to the protagonist matching this tone. There are fewer long lines of dialogue here, with more one-liners and short, simple sentences. When there are longer parts, they tend to be personal anecdotes. I honestly can't tell if they're infodumps because even if they are, they feel so naturally integrated as dialogue.

The narrative style matches the character's inner thoughts. At some points, it felt overwhelmingly pessimistic and overdramatic, but that made since especially given the suicide route. The protagonist struggles to find happiness. Another thing which makes sense is the psychology behind this, such as how her internal dialogue starts to match her mother’s harsh words. The sad reality is that if you're told something too many times, no matter how untrue it is, you'll eventually start to believe it.

CHARACTERS & PLOT

The protagonist’s yearning to become a famous singer is portrayed really well, along with her fear of never achieving this goal. It sets up the internal conflict for the story. There also seems to be some low self esteem or affection-starved part of her which makes her so touched by a simple message from Isaac—she acknowledges that it is kind of pathetic, though she can't help feeling that way. Though a nitpick is that the mum “says something snarky” despite her daughter being in tears. What was this ‘something’? I'm guessing her strained relationship with her mum, as illustrated by the details on the first page, plays a role in her feelings this way which makes Isaac seem so caring by contrast. But without many details, it feels like the picture is incomplete and misses out on potential further character development.

The date with Isaac is quite sweet. They have a mock fight about coffee (sorry to the protagonist, but I have to side with Isaac here), though the happy mood is ruined when she remembers she can't speak. This comes across as realistic: everyone has certain insecurities and traumas, and when something triggers it, this ruins the mood instantly. And given her reserved nature, the protagonist pretends everything is alright.

Their chemistry is pretty good, as he helps her work through her problems by empathizing with her and validating her emotions. He encourages her to share her story while respecting her boundaries at the same time. The difference between the word ‘sympathetically’ and ‘empathetically’ is refreshing as I've seen too many people use this interchangeably. It's also a nod to the start, where she likely didn't want to speak to him because she felt he merely sympathized.

It's a good technique to explain parts of her backstory through dialogue since it paints a good picture of what happened without too many unnecessary details or flashbacks. These are also questions I was curious about (especially the part about suing the surgeon, though that's probably just the law student in me), so it felt realistic Isaac asked about them.

Then, the conversation gets deeper. They talk about her dream before the surgery occurred. Isaac shared his own story too. Darius mentioned in his review that there's nothing about why she got the surgery in the first place, so I find it funny that there's a line of dialogue which answers this question as if it were asked directly: “The reason I was getting surgery in the first place was because I got a callous on my vocal chord from practicing”.

Soon, the relationship develops and the protagonist starts relying on Isaac more and more. She even confides in him about her nightmare (which was quite an emotional scene). While the loss of her greatest life provides a lot of sadness, she thinks of him as a source of joy. Maybe it's just my overthinking, and that someone close to me experienced this very recently, but the relationship is starting to get codependent. What started off as something cute and supportive could quickly turn toxic. The protagonist sees Isaac as her only reason to live, which may cause her to form an unhealthy attachment to him. But the protagonist is quite obviously not okay, as she believes she's being selfish by causing him pain, which is another significant codependency (believing you're responsible for your partner's feelings and vice versa).

Oh, looks like I was right! This is becoming unhealthy. The protagonist’s self esteem issues bleed into the relationship and her anxious attachment style causes her to be paranoid about him liking someone else. Okay, the protagonist's clinginess and switch between anger and apologizing is so scarily accurate, it's like the author practically predicted what my sister went through. Oh my goodness! The messages literally sounds like the guy, especially with the self-bashing and threats of suicide. Let’s just say that we didn't deal with the suicide threat as calmly as Isaac did.

I noticed there's a bit of argument between Darius, Milton and Crimson in the comments about this story and Darius said the author didn’t do research on the topic. Maybe that's true for the medical condition as I don’t know much about that regard. But this is such a perfect representation of codependent relationships and clingy, suicidal, obsessive ‘you are the only reason I live’ individuals that it is either very well researched or experienced firsthand. I'm not even kidding when I say these messages could be written by that guy who ruined the last few days (otherwise I'd already be past 35 reviews by now).

Anyway, sorry for the random rant, it feels too coincidental to see a situation I've helped someone deal with, but from the other side. Back to story-related feedback. At first, I didn't really think the protagonist’s traumas as displayed here had much to do with her recent disability. It seems like these beliefs about herself had to be formed from childhood and exacerbated through life. Yet, it makes sense that singing had felt like her purpose in life, and losing that, she scrambled to cling onto anything that brought her a shred of meaning. She had no one to support her except him.

Wait what? Okay, I know I promised to stop infodumping about my life in this comment, but the way Isaac breaks up with her is eerily similar to the messages I helped my sister draft.

The overly negative narration shows the messiness of the thoughts in the protagonist’s mind. They spiral out of control quickly and she's unable to rein them in. But his words finally sink in. The ending is hopeful, as he promises to support her, provided she takes the effort to seek mental help. It gives me hope for the current irl situation, too.

Time to bury my oversharing with reviewing the other main paths! One branch involves the protagonist buying some pills off a stranger. If it weren't for the other path about how unraveled the protagonist is, I would have thought it to be stupidly reckless to take random pills.

This storyline revolves around them bonding over their terrible situations. From this, they go from drug dealer and customer to something akin to friends. If I had a critique, it's that the narrative is no longer as immersive, with more telling scenes rather than showing. It starts to become more like a summary of events than a story. And this is probably the saddest ending as not only does the protagonist get addicted to drugs, but because the foundation of her relationship with Patch was transactional, now that she no longer provides what she attributes happiness with, she no longer views her the same. This means Patch is unable to help the protagonist with her problems and she's left alone once again.

Both these paths have the same key problem: they're linear. The reader cannot change or alter the protagonist’s fate in any way. Perhaps this is done deliberately to create the feeling of helplessness, but maybe that's a stretch. Though choice-based stories usually involve more choice, so when readers are pigeonholed down a certain storyline, it's likely to influence ratings negatively.

I like that the protagonist doesn't jump because she thinks there is no other option. Rather, she knows she could live a different life, but chooses not to. So she tries to escape from it all—the pain, the guilt, the sorrow. Is it too much of a spur-of-the-moment decision? Perhaps, but it is consistent with the protagonist’s characterization as someone who makes impulsive decisions, whether that's taking drugs for no reason or accusing a boyfriend of cheating with barely any proof.

The Evelyn path was a nice departure from the pessimism in other paths. Unlike the other characters, she begrudgingly accepts the protagonist’s presence. And it’s the only time the protagonist finds a new passion! The first was an obsession, the second an addiction, and the third, well, depression. So it makes sense that this is the route to recovery. It helps her express herself in less destructive ways and Evelyn being the character foil of Isaac (just like Patch and Nate being minor foils) means the protagonist cannot latch onto her the same way. She's grumpy and snide, but she genuinely helps the protagonist learn.

Her death caught me off guard, yet it was satisfying to see the protagonist manage to move past that. Evelyn's story parallels hers. And as for the protagonist, her story finally reaches a happy ending.

Overall, I enjoyed this storygame, and I think it could be a spin-off to ‘Gay and Depressed’. Maybe an alternate title might be ‘Disabled and Depressed’. It did feel too negative at times, yet I suppose it fits the nature of the story.

Review 18 MUTE
I disagree with both MiltonMan’s and Crimsonclean’s overall assessment of the story. It is not a 6/8, at most I would give it a 4/8 or if I’m overly generous a 5/8. Why, you may ask?

Like Crimsonclean said, lots of elements of self-hate, suicide and talks about disabilities that are on the foreground of the story are also present in the movie A Silent Voice. The thing is, A Silent Voice did tackle all of those subjects with more care and tact. The author, Yoshitoki Oima, did lots of research on JSL and that was very clear in her work.

Meanwhile, I don’t think that the author in “Mute” has done any research at all in most of the subjects they tried to tackle. It makes the narrative feel cheap, exploitative at some moments even. The proper word for it is “trauma porn”. The most egregious example is the throat surgery. It seemed to have been an elective one, so I assume that hers may involve a N. Laryngeus Recurrens trauma which does result in hoarseness. But more often than not, most people who had this kind of injury, are able to speak. Their voice only has changed. Also, some details about Isaac’s route just rub me the wrong way too, like you would expect him to be a lot more involved in the deaf community even if his parents are awful. He has to learn ASL from somewhere and his parents don’t seem to be the type to be teaching him that.

Also, it is also extremely disappointing that the protagonist getting proper therapy isn’t at all featured. It was only very briefly mentioned in Isaac’s route before being brushed off. The things that the protagonist struggles with are not things that will go away with one good friend or a proper mentor. These things may indeed help, but for this stuff you need a professional to help you sort these things out.

Plus, it is a shame that her strained relationship with her mother was not properly discussed if at all. I don’t expect the protagonist to be all buddy buddy with her at the end of the story, but what I did expect was that at least one route delved deeper into their conflict. (A Silent Voice did actually do that with the girl’s mom.)

The side characters aside from Evelyn also felt a bit one note. Think that Patch and Nate were the ones that felt the most cardboard cutout. Isaac was fine, but I think that you could have featured his own struggles and personal hangups a lot more towards the end of the story. You know, he seems a little too perfect haha. Even how he breaks up with her is nothing but kind and overly thoughtful and mature. He’s a teenager too, so I expected him to be a lot messier.

All in all, the story wants to be very ambitious and thoughtful, dealing with real heavy subjects, but its level of understanding of each of these things was surface level at best and trauma porn at its worst. This is perhaps the biggest example of writing on the site that screams: OH GOSH DARNIT DO YOUR GODDAMN RESEARCH FOR ONCE.

NOTES
- It’s a cute premise for a romance story to have two ASL speakers from different backgrounds meet and connect

- One nitpick: the school that the protagonist and guy attends does seem to be for people without any physical disabilities. I don’t know how the school system works in the US, but in the Netherlands we generally don’t have deaf people/hard of hearing in regular schools. So I’m a bit confused how the guy ended up there. (I do know of some blind people and wheelchair bound individuals that do attend regular schools, but deafness is a bit more of a language barrier)

- I could see why the protagonist likes Isaac so much. He genuinely makes her feel happier and makes her forget about her botched surgery. However, I am hard pressed to think what Isaac likes so much about the protagonist since she is always so friggin gloomy.

- The Protagonist thinks Isaac is cheating subplot is kinda lame. It just comes out of nowhere without pre amble, plus it is a lazy way to add in conflict between their relationship. There are plenty of other ways to do so. Isaac has been deaf since his early childhood, so I can imagine him not really understanding why being able to speak and most importantly sing is so important to the protagonist. Perhaps an insensitive comment or two would spur a full fight.

- For some deaf people it might be the case, but I don’t think that many of them miss being able to hear. So I find Isaac’s comment about missing it being a little strange. He went deaf in primary school, so his memories of it were extremely vague at best when he’s a teenager. And you know, you can’t miss what you didn’t have.

- Yeah, could very much believe why Isaac broke up with her and the way they did. Sounds believable. Plus the dramatic reaction of the protagonist is also pretty much teenage behavior.

- One thing I like about the story is that they broke up in very good terms. It is kinda rare to see that happen in media and also portray it as a good ending too! Kudos to that. Honestly I wasn’t that sold on their relationship, so I was relieved that they didn’t end up together.

- One other thing that I’m disappointed by is not knowing why she got the surgery in the first place. For what reason does a seemingly healthy teenager need throat surgery? Like, they are even hesitant with adults to do that kinda stuff.

- Also with the drugs, it would be cooler if we knew what kind of drugs the protag was taking. Were they more the stimulants type or things like Benzo’s? The effect matters a lot! Plus it is only a few minutes of research.

- I think with Patch’s route, I felt that the progression wasn’t that very realistic. Patch having a shitty home life, I do get, but her confiding so quickly strikes me as odd. Most of the time people keep this kind of shit a secret for a very very long time, especially children because they don’t want their friends to know and think lesser of them. The protagonist also hasn’t done anything to make her trust her more.

- The Evelyn route might be my favorite. I think that this is the only route where the protagonist was the most proactive in her choices and had the most character development. Evelyn also feels a lot more of a multifaceted person than Patch or Isaac and her relation with the protagonist changes slowly through the entire story. At first she was dismissive of her, but they slowly grew a tight bond with Evelyn also becoming way less grumpy. Plus even after her death, Evelyn’s words still influenced her.

- Nate seems to be the cousin of Patch. Cool that the routes do intersect!

- Again, regarding the portrayals of suicide. I think this aspect could be brought forward a little bit more. When people really make a good attempt with an actual set time and date, they turn surprisingly calm and happy moments before and do seemingly odd stuff like giving away all their stuff away and such. They are not sad or something at that moment, they are just not thinking very clearly. Always when suicide is portrayed, I do get a bit sad when they gloss over that part haha.

-

This is a well-written heartfelt story about a protagonist suffering an emotional crisis. It’s not quite what I imagined for an entry in a Crisis Contest, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.

When we read stories, we’re usually trying to find some emotional connection to them to get entertainment. This storygame tries to connect with the reader by getting you to sympathize with the turmoil the protagonist faces because of an abrupt tragedy. It’s difficult to cope with suffering. When you find a way to do so, you can become dependent on that coping mechanism. This story focuses on that part of human nature and how it can lead someone to find a healthy or unhealthy coping mechanism.

The protagonist has a well-established voice, as do the side characters that come into her life. Of the routes you can take, I enjoyed Suicide route the least (probably designed as such), and the Evelyn route the most. Perhaps it’s because I could personally identify with the struggle of seeking mentorship, but the relationship with the old artist was genuinely touching and entertaining. It also had the most pleasant of endings, which was a welcome discover after seeing all the other sadder endings.

I think I would have appreciated a bit more in terms of choice. The narrative’s strength is its sincerity in dealing with the topics presented, but I felt that there was more that could be done to spice up the various routes. I first went through the Relationship Route and I realized that I had only been given one choice. I did enjoy what I read, despite the linear experience, but there were times when I wondered if I have enjoyed a certain route more if I was able to make a choices at certain dramatic moments, like my performance at my job, how I treated my relationship, how I would react to harsh treatment from my art mentor, etc.

While I was eager for more choices throughout the different paths, I still enjoyed what I read. It’s a good experience that I would recommend to others wanting to read something trying to deal with heavy topics with a sympathetic tone.

Aw, the ARTIST ending made me so emotional! Thank you for this one.:)

Well, this was quite heart-wrenching. It almost made me cry. Almost being the key word here ;)

Obviously, the writing was great. I consider myself to be a singer of sorts so the mc being a singer and then losing that ability is honestly a fear I deeply relate too. That combined with the quality writing really made this hit pretty hard

Though... where are my choices? I only remember seeing one choice in the whole game.

Darius is a gay, lonely callous man whose only interaction with the deaf is through an anime. Don't dwell on his words too much, ItzSugar. This was a fine story.

The writing of this storygame is very punchy and to the point. This storygame doesn’t waste any words. It almost feels as if the story is longer than it is because every word you're reading contributes to the story in an impactful way. In fact, it’s almost too packed together that the scene shifts can feel very abrupt at times. On the page where you kiss Isaac, the scene changes immediately after kissing him to breaking up with him. It is possible that this was used just to bring light the quick contrast and grab the reader’s attention, but it felt somewhat out of place. I think if you were to break that scene into two separate pages it would flow better.

The first few pages of this storygame were very impactful. I was easily able to sympathize with the main character and really get in her head. The part where she said that the only thing she had left was singing and now it was gone really hit me in the feels. Devoting your entire life to an art form then losing it is something that I personally am afraid of. This story is chock-full of good scenes like this, but it loses the quality as the story goes along and the game becomes very linear. This is simply because of the time constraints of the contest, but it would greatly improve the quality of this storygame if it could be fleshed out. I hope this can be taken down and improved upon soon.

The part where her relationship with Isaac turns parasitic and then leads to a bad ending was great, but I felt that there should’ve also been another choice that led to a good ending. Her relationship with the boy was heartwarming, and it saddened me to see that it didn’t work out.

This storygame is full of some great lines. My personal favorite was, “Today, you learn about Otto von Bismarck, the imperfect tense, and ribosomes.”

I have given this storygame a 6, but if it were to be taken down and fleshed out then I would be more than willing to give this a 7. Great job on your first storygame here on the site, ItzSugar.

Darius is a gay, lonely callous man who's only interaction with the deaf is through an anime. Don't dwell on his words too much, ItzSugar. This was a fine story.

The writing of this storygame is very punchy and to the point. This storygame doesn’t waste any words. It almost feels as if the story is longer than it is because every word you're reading contributes to the story in an impactful way. In fact, it’s almost too packed together that the scene shifts can feel very abrupt at times. On the page where you kiss Isaac, the scene changes immediately after kissing him to breaking up with him. It is possible that this was used just to bring light the quick contrast and grab the reader’s attention, but it felt somewhat out of place. I think if you were to break that scene into two separate pages it would flow better.

The first few pages of this storygame were very impactful. I was easily able to sympathize with the main character and really get in her head. The part where she said that the only thing she had left was singing and now it was gone really hit me in the feels. Devoting your entire life to an art form then losing it is something that I personally am afraid of. This story is chock-full of good scenes like this, but it loses the quality as the story goes along and the game becomes very linear. This is simply because of the time constraints of the contest, but it would greatly improve the quality of this storygame if it could be fleshed out. I hope this can be taken down and improved upon soon.

The part where her relationship with Isaac turns parasitic and then leads to a bad ending was great, but I felt that there should’ve also been another choice that led to a good ending. Her relationship with the boy was heartwarming, and it saddened me to see that it didn’t work out.

This storygame is full of some great lines. My personal favorite was, “Today, you learn about Otto von Bismarck, the imperfect tense, and ribosomes.”

I have given this storygame a 6, but if it were to be taken down and fleshed out then I would be more than willing to give this a 7. Great job on your first storygame here on the site, ItzSugar.

When I first started reading this I was definitely hooked and very immersed. The first few pages if maintained there consistency I would have given the story a 7/8, but as the story goes on the quality slowly drops, which I'm sure may be due to time constraints with the event.

I found the protagonist very relateable, as I'm sure many readers would, the ending I found to be lackluster, and although realistic, I wish I could have had a bit more control over how the relationship ended up.

The writing was really good, especially describing the protagonists inner turmoil, one of the best I've read actually. But again, the flow and consistentcy in the story drops off in the latter half, you can tell it gets a bit rushed at the end.

Overall I'll give the story a 5.5/8 but round it up to a 6, if you had more time, or continue to work on it/give more potential choices on how the relationship ends up and maintain initial page consistency, it would be one of the best love stories on the site.

Also, this story reminds me a lot of a silent voice!