The Tale of the Foolish Princess

***DISCLAIMER*** to the author, It should first be stated, that you should NOT take anything I say with a grain of salt. Everything I say I mean, and I mean it with my chest puffed out, so, take everything I say to heart. To the readers, this review will contain lots of spoilers, so I suggest you read the storygame first.

World-building and Narrative Structure:
The story opens with a great line that immediately draws the reader in, followed by effortless and smooth world-building, at least in the first page, it was well written, kudos. The author skillfully avoids info-dumping, instead weaving necessary details seamlessly into the narrative (through her info link). There were some times where i found this unnecessary and distracting however though There was a lot of the information in those information links that would have been more engaging if it was added subtly in important moments to reveal this information, such as how grace nevermore met Sophia's father, or was athletic. Stuff like that could have been said in her letter to add a personal touch.

The story's pacing is generally well-handled, with seamless transitions between scenes that maintain a grounded sense of time and place. This attention to detail helps bring the story to life, Although I feel like this tends to dip in the latter half of the story.

Character Development:
The protagonist, Sophia Nevermore, is a complex and intriguing character. Her questioning of her claustrophobic and seemingly unfair treatment is both realistically and powerfully conveyed, compelling readers to empathize with her situation and desire to know more. Glimpses of vulnerability, such as her need for approval from her servant, subtly humanize her and add depth to her character.

The contrast between Sophia and her servant Juliette is well-executed, with distinct personalities shining through. Juliette comes across as dutiful and practical, while Sophia is more relaxed and resistant to the demands of her station. This contrast adds an interesting dynamic to their interactions and the overall story.

The side characters are unique and creative, each bringing a different tone to the story. Particularly noteworthy is the relationship between King Oliver Nevermore and the young girl who saved him, which adds a touch of sweetness to the narrative.

Writing Style and Perspective:
While the story is generally well-written, there's a noticeable tendency towards "telling" rather than "showing." Many scenes could have been more personal and impactful if told from within Sophia's mind as internal monologue or inner thoughts. For example, the fight scene between Sophia and her sisters would have been more engaging if written from a first-person perspective, focusing on Sophia's physical sensations, immediate reactions, and internal thoughts.

"With that a fight soon commences between the three women. It's a mess of hair pulling, pearls being snatched off of necklaces, and then hitting the ground, and a tear or two of fabric. To her credit, Sophia holds her own against both of her sisters, either through a surge of adrenaline or having a natural hidden aptitude for fighting that even she was unaware of."

This scene would be more engaging if written from a first-person perspective, as demonstrated in this rewrite:

"Before I knew it, a fight erupted between the three of us. It was pure chaos. I felt hands yanking at my hair, and I instinctively grabbed at whatever I could reach. Pearls from someone's necklace, maybe mine, maybe one of my sisters'- went flying, scattering across the floor with tiny clinks. The sound of tearing fabric punctuated our grunts and gasps."

The author demonstrates a good grasp of painting romantic tension, particularly in the scenes between Sophia and Caspar at the ball. However, the narrative occasionally shifts to third-person perspective, especially when describing side characters or scenes where Sophia is not present. While this can be effective, maintaining a consistent first-person perspective throughout would likely create a more immersive experience for the reader. In the latter half of the story there's even entire pages where its written in 3rd person. Its generally best, especially in CYOA games to try and stick to first person, the constant swapping between, and between pages was sometimes jarring and immersion breaking.

Plot and Pacing:
The story features some compelling plot points, such as Sophia's confrontation with the mercenaries and the gruesome death scene of Cecilene. However, these events sometimes feel abrupt due to a lack of build-up or detailed transitioning between locations. A good example of this rushing can be seen in battle scenes, and scenes where we go to meet someone (such as the mercenaries). It feels like there's very little sense of distance at times. There's no planning or investigation or talk on where to find them, we just do.

The death scenes, consistently pointing out how the princess's demise is due to her being foolish and sheltered, add a thematically deep and poetic touch to the narrative. This recurring motif effectively underscores the harsh realities of Sophia's world and the consequences of her choices.

Interactive Elements:
The inclusion of "information" links is generally well-crafted, providing additional context without being crucial to the main narrative. This allows readers to delve deeper into the world if they choose, without penalizing those who prefer to focus solely on the main story.

The "return to previous page" link is a thoughtful addition, particularly helpful for readers less familiar with the CYOA format.

Areas for Improvement:

Consistency in tense: Some passages shift to past tense, which can be jarring in a CYOA format. Maintaining a consistent present tense throughout would enhance the immediacy of the narrative.

More "showing" less "telling": Incorporating more sensory details and internal monologue could make the narrative more engaging and immersive. For example, this passage could benefit from more detailing and sensory information:

"The numbers were just too much for the latter's army forces to deal with. The battle was overwhelmingly in Sophia Nevermore's favour, and she walked the streets with all of the grace a queen should be able to muster."

Instead of a brief overview, showing the battle through Sophia's eyes would be more engaging.

Expanded content: The story feels like it has the potential to be longer and more detailed. This would allow for more in-depth exploration of the world and characters.

Perspective consistency: Maintaining a first-person perspective throughout, especially in key scenes, would likely create a more engaging and immersive experience.

Difficulty rating: The story seems more challenging than its 4/8 difficulty rating suggests. A 6 or 7 might be more accurate, given the ease with which readers can reach "death" endings.

Conclusion:
The tale of the foolish Princess is a good CYOA story, with and an engaging plot. While there are areas for improvement, particularly in narrative perspective and "showing" versus "telling," the story succeeds in creating a rich, immersive world that readers will enjoy exploring.

Overall, I preferred it slightly over your other story, but the same problems I had with that one writing wise are likewise within this one. Overall, I agree with the 6/8 rating. It has A LOT of potential with some touch ups/development of certain scenes. Keep at it!

This story received an 8, hands down!

First, I'd like to share my thoughts about each of the members of the Nevermore family.

Sophia Nevermore- at first, our protagonist seems rather naive- understandably so, as her Father shelters her. I do admire her growing as a character the longer she stays out in the world. What amazes me about her is that while most people in her shoes would experience a loss of empathy and become desensitized, she manages to hold on to her moral compass. It's apparent that as she continues her bloody conquest, that she is experiencing forms of PTSD from killing her siblings and committing atrocities. Despite this, she still manages to feel remorse for these acts, and despair for the deaths of her siblings. Once she has taken her place as the undisputed monarch, she implements social policies to help the downtrodden and reads to children. This makes her a rare breed of person, exhibiting powerful emotional strength as well as mental. 'Foolish''indeed!

Bridgette and Henry Nevermore- there is a reason why, out of all the members of the dysfunctional Nevermore family, these two had the most powerful effect on me: they are the stuff of my nightmares. They didn't start out that way, though! Their initial introduction was rather subtle , yet relatable, with Bridgette being the stereotypical little sister more interested in playing with her dolls then the world around her, and Henry being a bespectacled, quiet boy lost in his art, with a slightly cynical outlook on life but still able to put in a kind word for his loved ones. He reminded me almost exactly of one of my ex's children in real life who I was very fond of. The instant connection to these characters, the understated yet powerful way the reader is able to feel both familiar and protective over these two from just one page... It's powerful and moving.

Then we meet again. Their 'handiwork' with the blood-gushing human dolls is so terrifying it'd give even the most robust horror flick fanatic pause. I will admit, I have a fear of dolls going all the way back to childhood, due to my Father making me watch the Child's Play films with him as a child. The revelation that these two have literally dollified every living creature in their domain, including the wildlife, made me shudder and wish there was an option to 'turn back and flee to the farthest corners of the world.' Their transformation of the beloved butler (more on this later) foreshadows just how warped these two are.
What gets me, is the crescendo of this scene. An entire playroom full of dolls, with these two in control standing high above you. These two have built their own coliseum, their soldiers surround you, and you are now their newest plaything. Even the death was horrific, the fear of being eaten alive by their own creations is powerful in many ways: it is the first time that you have ever seen them show true, powerful emotion, since even your earlier interaction with them they were quite withdrawn, it brings out the protective feelings the story earlier imparted on you, and puts you beyond the chance to do anything about it. These two MUST die.
It also underscores, in one final touch of subtlety, how psychopathic these two truly are. They care nothing for the lives of all other living beings, it has been well established that they have willingly turned children, their caretaker, and are going to turn their own sister into dolls for their amusement. Yet, they think they are important. They matter. Their deaths matter. It really underscores the basest trait of psychopathy: that I matter and everyone else exists to meet my needs, in a literal form. The story does an excellent job of making you feel regret and doubt afterwards. Could you have changed anything by taking them with you? Or would you have just been endangering yourself?

The Father Nevermore- Ooof. So he doesn't get any screen time, yet his conduct is the reason for the whole story. It's believed in the beginning that he is simply keeping Sophia safe as the favorite, but... That changes. Of course, his death kicks off the war between the siblings, but it's what he did in life that matters. His pimping out his twin daughters to his friends was a horrific reveal, but it's only the tip of the scuzz factor. The final confrontation with Penelope, revealing that he was raping her (more on that later) shows that his death was in fact well deserved. This war... All these atrocities, all this death... everything you knew about this man, everything you did to avenge him, didn't have to happen. It also makes the reader realize: the way he was keeping you shut out from the world, the many people who have said you look just like your Mother, makes you realize he wasn't interested in protecting you. He was interested in preserving your chastity for his own use.

Mother Nevermore- not really a developed character, but the letter she has written to Sophia before her death does strike two very personal chords for me. One, it contrasts the person that Sophia was as a child when the letter was written. And two, her mother makes a joking comment about how Sophia should marry someone like her Father. As we have already found out about what he was doing to the twins, and will find out later what he was doing to his eldest and likely had planned for Sophia... It's a dark comment. Makes me wonder if her death is in fact what made her husband go off the deep end, or if he already had monstrous traits that he kept hidden from her.

The eldest Nevermore and Penelope- Penelope is a complex one. On the one hand, she was the victim of incest rape by her own Father, and wished to protect Sophia from that, which is admirable. On the other hand, the rape warped her so much that she was jealous of her own sister for being groomed to take her place, and ended up in a romantic relationship with her brother, which is both disturbing, and honestly a little intriguing since, from what we see of their relationship, it's actually a healthy one. They are happy and relaxed around each other, close without the clinginess you see in the honeymoon phase and some toxic relationships. It's kind of sad, since the entire story, Sophia sees these two as people who she looked up and admired, before they betrayed her and the family. Then, it's revealed that they were actually the good guys the entire time. They had just wanted to escape their father's abuse and be left alone, they hadn't committed any war crimes. And... when it's all over for them? They try to assauge the conscience of their baby sister by taking all the blame, being the siblings she knew them to be one last time... And then fall for each other one last time... right out the window hundreds of feet up in a double suicide to spare their sister the pain of killing them and remain together.

You really couldn't have just let them live in a modest house in exchange for then renouncing all claim to the throne in perpetuity, huh, Thara?

Well done.

Casper Hoyt- the betrothed of Sophia does serve as an early foreshadowing that the patriarch of the Nevermore family doesn't exactly care about the consent of his children, but honestly, arranged marriages between children and even infants in the medieval times were painfully common. And Prince Casper plays such a perfect Prince Charming in the beginning of this story's fairy tale like setting that it doesn't even register until much later. To be honest, while he did fulfill the setting, I didn't really like him much as a character. He seemed rather bland and presumptuous. You could tell, beneath his kind demeanor, he's used to getting what he wants. Well, he IS a prince. After years of being on the run and almost bring killed by his own grandfather, has he grown at all? No! He is still completely acting within his role as a 'fairy tale prince' saving Sophia from the horrible dungeon run by the evil King. All for a queen who is thankfully now her own woman.

Frederick the butler- his introduction is ignoble at best. Although the character background information does do a good job of explaining his character later on.
And it's a strong one. Having been turned into a doll, he is seemingly the only one with the ability to think for himself, although he still has to do Henry and Bridgette's bidding. This serves to torture him mentally, and really underscores the fact that those two won't let a thing like familial ties stop them. His previous experience as an assassin is highlighted here, and his advice to his opponents on how to kill him shows how desperate he is to be out of this mess. It was indeed a moving scene.

Honestly, the supporting characters felt pretty one dimensional (Juliette's servitude, Paul's ruggedness) but it's done in such a way that they actually add to the scene, and as Sophia's family keeps dying, and revealed to be more messed up with each sibling she confronts, the supporting cast turns out to be in many ways, her new family. Keeping her grounded. One can only wonder: if Sophia hadn't had them to support her, would she have kept herself sane and accomplished what she did? Probably not.

As always with my reviews, beware of spoilers, for that is my guilty pleasure and I will go out of my way to add them. Serves you right for reading this before the story!

In short, I really enjoyed the story. The start read like a fairytale, with narration that was both rosy in tone and at times felt omnipresent, only adding to that feeling of a whimsical world where everything was a bit too good. It all started off so heavily based on the accompanying tropes of the genre that I forgot I was reading a dark fantasy. I also really enjoyed the infolinks, who were all told in the same distinct voice as well. This wide breadth in the narration underlined the 3rd person omnipresence that was almost like a glass sphere through which we divined the tale of Sophia. Seriously good writing here.

The princess was sheltered, naive, and wanted to escape. And while I have to admit I died in my first two attempts of escape and let the story rest for a week, I'm glad I did pick it up again. Because while the distinct tone of the narration stayed the same as the escape progressed, it retreated more into the 3rd person limited, and made the increasingly dark undertones feel far more personal. There is something about amputations, pimping, rape, necromancing and suicides told in that highly romanticised voice that made it horrifyingly splendid. I loved the stark contrast between these two 'phases' of the story and how the darker undertones eventually even seeped into that rosy beginning and shattered any idea I had of a world full of joy and good.

This contrast is backed by a seriously good plot as well. It stretched out far longer than I had first expected with a 6-length rating. Through this length, it allowed the characters that were first introduced in that fairytale beginning to make their reappearance in the nightmare, all corrupted to fit the newly established order. Your blood tax can be paid on the right, thank you very much. While I greatly enjoyed the two twins, I felt the little not-quite-necromancer siblings could be better handled. Because I did notice the resentment of the twin's appointment at the start, giving me a lightbulb moment during the revelation, but I didn't notice many hints about the sibling meddling in dark arts, perhaps that scene could be expanded a bit in lieu of the prince's foolish romantic overtures that were later quite snowed under.

Now to become nitpicky. During the fight with the butler it's been stated magic takes a few seconds to take hold, during which a trained fighter could take down a superior mage. It's then weird Sophia could cast her spell in the mere moments before the slash of the sword by the most trained fighter in the kingdom completed its trajectory. Although, after dying to her twice at the start, I did really enjoy this final scene that felt more of a personal conclusion than the revelations of the lovers that orchestrated everything off-camera and thus didn't really feel like the antagonists as much as that damned champion.

Really, the only true complaint I can muster is that after the start, it all was one long branch where the only options were to either die or continue the story. I preferred even the 'fake' choices of the start where it either rejoined immediately (like during the prince's question) or after a few moments (like with the artsy siblings). It cheapened a bit the feeling of, for example, doing something cool as walking in and bitchslapping the magical nuke when I tried to reach different branches.

But I can't fault it. Precisely because it was a single branch like this, it allowed the plot to really shine through without cheapening on anything that made it quite the way it was. And that plot was rosegold.

This story game was incredibly well done. This story game easily stands tall as a literary achievement, arguably one of the finest games in the site.

There's so much I loved about this game.

For one thing, we play a character who's a bit sheltered and silly, yet that gives her a certain amount of courage and daring. That is such a clever way to turn a weakness into a strength. Seriously, kudos on the author for thinking of that, this is just but one example of the amount of thought the author has put into developing this story.

I love how well it was written from the princess's perspective. We don't know anything about any of these characters going in, and then as the story develops, we find out Reginald Holt is a pervert, Sophie's sisters were prostituted out by their own father in exchange for support by investors, and that her younger brother and sister were psychos. You could have provided all this information in the beginning with an info dump, but the way you did it was so much smarter and it flows really well. Thematically, the princess is so self absorbed, that she literally doesn't know anything about anyone else, so it makes perfect logical sense that information would come out drop by drop like a leaky faucet, rather all at once, like a thunderstorm.

She didn't even know herself. That's why what I thought was a Deus Ex Machina(Sophie defeating her younger brother and sister's creepy dolls with magic) was actually a really good literary choice. She spends all her time on amusements in her room she doesn't know the full extent of her power. At first, I was annoyed about how you suddenly gave her magic powers when the whole time she didn't have any, but that does make sense because we're playing the game from a sheltered and foolish character's perspective, so we only know what they know. Once I was able to change my perspective, the story opened up so many avenues, it was seriously well thought out.

I would give this one an 8/8 and highly encourage everyone to check it out, if you haven't already!

I will admit, I was confused and stumbling around, trying to cause havoc and get the cannon ending, and got two less amazing endings before I got one that makes me happy. This is a very good work, some typos I believe, but nothing major, if removed, it will only be made better, if not, no damage dealt. The links to information are nice to have, and the story itself is sad, happy, interesting and funny. Thank you for this work.

It was an enjoyable read. I couldn't believe that we could only hire two low grade mages and for them to just end up dying to a shitty spell.

Well written and engaging. I like the mechanic of getting to redo a bad decision. In this way I can read and enjoy the different outcomes. Great work.

Yes queen

Excellent storytelling, definitely one of the best works published this year. Well deserving of its time as a featured storygame. Good work!

An astonishingly good and flawless tale that made me feel every emotion.