Player Comments on A Magical Tale

I don't recommend this story to anyone above the age of four for reading practice, but this review will be me judging it based on the standard of the stories I've read around here.

The start is promising (the grammar leaves much to be desired though) and the plot is as simple as they come: The protagonist, namely you, pass through a portal (forcibly) and fall in the middle of nowhere aka "magical world". You have no idea or map of this place, but one thing you know is this: you HAVE to find your sister and go back home.

The various wondrous creatures and characters you are presented with, are almost the exact same as their fairytale counterpart, but with a tiny twist to them. The witches are bad, the goblins are playful but not maliciously mischievous while the fairy encountered is a malevolent one unfortunately for the protagonist.

There are two essential branches here, ditching your sister and saving yourself or rescuing her and both going to your own world. The plot twist or essentially the secret behind falling from the sky into this world, is similar to the royal family's ability in Attack On Titan for those who have watched/read it, though the reason behind the "purpose" is never given.

There literally is no information given to the reader on the "why" of things encountered or the action behind the characters, neither are any flashbacks used to make you even remotely care about the sister. If the most developed branch, with an actual epilogue and not an abrupt ending, is the one where you save the sister and both go back to your world, then it is expected for the writer to make the reader form an attachment to this character.

As for the grammar, there are plenty of grammar errors, in around at least 30% of the story and the pacing... well as good as it can be for a story of this size. I'd actually recommend slowing down and letting the reader explore more of the characters and world around them on the quest to save the sister.

Rating overall 2/8. Would've given it less, but the story seems promising if heavily revised and republished in the future.

The pages were very short and not all to descriptive. I never felt really captivated by the story or the world around me.
I also never felt any connection to my character because there was no real build up. For my sister I also never had a emotional connection that told me "I need to free her" other than the fact she is my sister.

Everything from now on contains spoilers so be warned.

At the cabin you are told a witch comes to you and she asks you to trust her. Is there any reason why I should? I mean she is with the witches that captured me after all.

The fairy is a trickster I get that. I mean I even get told I can't trust her by the witch. But her riddle makes no sense at all. Any of those three things could kill you. Why would one be the right way when the others aren't?

The goblins are quite nice I guess. Maybe feel sympathy with you, as long as you speak the truth. But how would they know? Why would they trust a stranger you did nothing to prove you're telling the truth.

The king and the whole ceremony at the end also feel quite rushed, but again every page is like 2-3 lines of text.

It was rather boring in my taste. No way to get really into the story. Also found some mistakes in grammar (which is new since I'm no pro at that as a non native speaker).
All in all a cute little story that could be one of those small children picture books but nothing I would deem the work of a great writer.
3/8 from me

Nice start – I like that it started out with action, things moving, and excitement. And in this case the single option on the first page makes sense because it is going to lead from the current scene to another place. My only minor quibble on this page is that the way it is written, I can’t tell if the cloaked figure took my sister. It just says he is holding her, then he jumped into the portal. It might work better if it was more clear that he grabbed and took her, or if he let her go and escaped.

Minor typo on the second page, I believe “vert” should be “very.” I like the arrival in the strange area, it would have been even better if it had much more description of the forest here. This could involve all the senses: what else do I see? What do I smell? Is there a wind blowing? Are there other sounds from the forest or animals in the forest? I do like that the different options actually take different directions in the story.

This was really a fun little story. There appeared to be a lot of different options that take the reader in different directions. I’m not sure why “tigers” was the right answer to the riddle, but that’s fine. I like how the story developed in different directions with the witches and goblins as well. While many of the paths rejoined one another, I really did feel like I had control of the story and what happened in the story – a key part of CYOA stories! Other authors can learn from this – despite the story being quite short, it does have excellent use of the CYOA paths. It would be even better with more expanded descriptions and details throughout, I would think.

its pretty cool

Cool

Yay! My "sister" and me in the game survived! It took me 5 turns to even win that game.. I rate it 9 stars out of 10!

Fun and sparadic. Could use more work...like not having paths so obviously link into one another. I don't expect perfect grammer from these "joke" games...but making the choices made actually believable would go a long way to making the game stick out more I'm not gonna lie...

At least you bothered to tie up each path properly...so while you bottlenecked too much...you at least bothered to cap off each ending accorindly...

Cool I guess...idk it was fun enough! lol :P

i would try more stories

A little better this time, didn't die, not so bad living in a castle.

Tried again and died. One more time and then I quit

Very short guess I made wrong choices wound up back in my room minus one sister.

fine

Not great. Not many choices, weak storyline

very kewl

fun

boring

love it! :3

thats nice

I didn't love the story but it wasn't bad either. The setting is nice because it's familiar as it is used in many stories/fairytales. But the problem in the story is pretty basic which makes it a bit less entertaining and it is also very easy to predict what'll happen next. Overall, it's a nice story I wouldn't read it voluntarily but if I had to I wouldn't mind.

The settings itself was good. But the game missed a little something. let me explain, You know that little thing that you want to continue the story, well it wasn't there. So think about making it a little much exciting but its a great start
!

its a very good history. this is nice

Nice game but its missing a little something that make it entertaining.

Boring game

it was good and intresting

i liked the story

=( help me

I liked the story. It was very exciting and kept me on the edge of my seat.

The story on a whole is very good but there are some parts that feel quite rushed.
the ceremony could have been a bit longer you could have also gone a bit deeper into character relationship and how the character normally acts and describing the character. But overall the story is very good and I would definitely recommend it

This story was okay, but it had some 50/50 choices like, do you go to the goblin cave, or the castle, and most of the other choices were pretty obvious. Some of your grammar was wrong, your story could use a proofread. The game was rushed and I didn't feel anything for the character. But if you added more details, and changed the choices slightly than this could be a good game.

This game was not what I expected! This game was pretty outstanding and fun to read.

Cool

No description, dumb premise, bad writing, 2/8

have some fun

It's kinda boring that you just have to enter and exit a world just to bring back your sister. Maybe if you could have a mission on stopping their schemes, this story would be amazing.

sorry but snow fuck yourself

good.

Great but boring

No

Thank you for these stories.

It was pretty good maybe have it with more detail

There wasn't much of a storyline here. I was able to eventually find the right choice, so it wasn't too hard. It was also rather short. Never really explains why they are erasing the kids memories. I found lots of typos.

Pretty boring.

¯\_(?)_/¯ Well at least I got a happy ending, and saved my sister. Kinda boring, but okay.

Could've been longer

I got the ending with your sister and you ending up in your world! Yay!

not good

HATED IT

ok

Worth it playing this.

Good game. I just wish it was longer.

it was boring

First, if this is your first story that was OK, this story have a good plot but sometimes I felt that your story is mixed and harder to understand.
Secondly, there's some errors in your words that you mistaken and put another letter and not the right letter, and I think maybe this story is unfinished, you need to edit more on your story.
Finally, there's no ending that you escape with your sister to your world, the only endings that i saw is to escape without your sister or lost you memories.
Final rating: 2/8
Tip: edit your story and check proof reading your story.

many spelling mistakes but good story

I SURVIVED

Interesting little game. Ended up landing in sister's bed. Wonder what it's like to "be forgotten" by taking the spell instead? ;)

i lived happliy ever after

I lied to everyone and ditched my sister. I count that as a win.

Also, what's this with the witch who apparently was going to help you (according to the game itself)? If you choose another option, she keeps you as her slave forever. She ain't no friend of yours.

I also saw no reason to save my sister at all. You didn't give me any, so I didn't.

Not bad. Some spelling errors could be easily fixed with proofreading.

It has potential, but you may want to run it through a spellchecker. It is a good start, keep trying it will get there if given a chance.

I liked it, it was fun to do

Could have a few more details or action in one path

It was pretty good I just wish it was longer.

Disappointed...

So many choices with so short description and detail that I would probably chomp through this in 5 minutes.

Spelling errors were there, but what really ticks me off is your tense confusion. Like in this statement: "You were sleeping when you heard...You jump up and..." You keep cycling back and forth between present and past tense, and that is just so confusing to me.

The plot, too. Kidnapping children just so they can live in a fantasy world? Are these kidnappers that lonely or something?

I do hope you take all this semiscathing review rather positively, because I simply can't stand the state of this story right now.

And because of that, I will gladly provide you with 3 things to do here before writing again, that is, if you haven't done that yet:

1. Get a proofreader.
2. Browse through the Creative Workshop or whatever that thing is. You can get some good ideas there.
3. Read Will11's How Not To Write. Explains all the aspects of bad writing and how you should avoid them.

This story, without fixing all the shortcomings, is only good for pooping on. 2/8.

Short and sweet. I wish there was slightly more detail.

The most Glaring issue I see here is there is a dead link that needs to be fixed. If you tell the truth, jump through portal, jump back through, and then kick the witches, you end up at a link that says "Try to escape" that just cycles back to itself over and over. I also noticed quite a few spelling and grammar errors that need to be fixed as well.
You could work on the plot as well. It's not completely horrible, but its not good either.

It was to easy.

I saved her this time XD great story! I wish it was longer though. We lived a normal life, I of course might not have minded living in the Fairytale world, but then... I wouldn't know who my sister was!

I failed XD me and my sister where both mind-earased. Well, I hope we have a good time in the Fairy-Tale world.

I saved my sister finally. If I get captured my sister will return the favor

I love it. being captured is the best thing

My daughter and I liked this story.

Hiya! :-). Great game! I could visualise everything in great detail as I was playing, all thanks to your descriptive and elloquent phrasing. Well done you. :-). This is a first for me on here, so consider yourself lucky. I don't have any suggestions for improovement! I loved it all. I hope you make many more like this one. Well done. :-).

COOL

There are many grammar mistakes. The story could be more interesting with more backstory. I didn't realize there was a purpose in the story until I got to an ending.

cool!

Nice!

not bad but needs something to boost it up first i let them ersase my memory because hey its a magical world ill die to live there but atlass i can not why cruel world!!!!

its ok

It was ok, it has potential, remake the story game.

Great

He/She is probably a kid and you guys shouldn't judge too hard.

I liked it. Some spelling errors but other than that this guy/girl has a good imagination!

There are so many spelling errors! I could barely read it!

This seemed like a rough outline rather then a complete game. You should build on this base and probably get a coauthor to fix the grammatical and spelling errors

It was great

This really had few redeeming qualities. The plot was essentially nonexistent; there was absolutely no back story. What little story there was revolved around a land with a fairy who for some unexplained reason sends you to a goblin cave and a king who has nothing better to do than kidnap children from another world. It was completely linear, and the only good thing I can think to say about it was that the spelling all seemed to be correct.

It was okay, a bit to stiff for my taste, but must it be first person without ANY kind of clue as to what role you are playing. It's kinda startling to be playing this game to find out I'm a girl/woman in the story even though I am man in real life. If there was an established character in the beginning then it would play out well but just throwing that out there without a warning makes it hard to get involved in the role afterwards. If you are going to just plop a player into the story as themselves, the story has to be neutral to who the character is so that the player truly is playing that role, otherwise you have to make a character for them to take that role instead of suddenly surprising the player such as, "oh, by they way, I know we are 10 pages in but you're a mutated goblin with slimy skin who eats babies".

I liked this a lot, maybe it could be longer? either way it was good.

Despite some errors in spelling and grammar (make sure to stick to one tense) I actually found this story pretty enjoyable!

Me being me, I would have liked more detail and also would have liked the story to explore the villain's motives and whatnot with more depth.

But other than that, quite enjoyed the plot itself! The brevity also works with the story, in my opinion, and makes multiple replays a breeze.

Keep churning them out!

An enjoyable game if a little bit lacking.

Quite fun, quite creative and pretty enjoyable :) The grammar was a bit spotty in places so it's best to watch that but otherwise pretty good :) I lost my sister but that's ok, I owe her money atm anyway :D