Bloodstone

Overall: I recommend this story to anyone with a strong stomach. It’s really incredible, and not at all a waste of time.

Characters:
Leyonid- The first actual page of the story really does a good job of giving the reader a feel for who they’ll be playing as. You instantly know he’s a cripple of working class, and that he cares about others— though he also has a “keep your head down and don’t complain” approach to life’s difficulties. Well done.

Borthoden is quickly characterized as well. I’m of the opinion that the first mention of a character should describe them as well, and you do this beautifully.

Isaiah- his character traits are more slowly introduced, but that’s mostly because Leyonid doesn’t know a lot about him at the start. Still a good, well-rounded character.

Archking- was he good? Was he bad? He seemed like a decent dude, why did people want to kill him? What’s going on with this guy, just in general?
However, his depression and denial were very well done.

Leyonid’s friends had character traits attributed to them, but they were definitely said and not shown, and were never really demonstrated.
5/8

SPAG: Errors got more frequent towards the ends of the story. I mentioned a few specifics below.
5/8

Plot: The introduction on the second page is well done. It tells the reader the setting and other important details without being an info dump.
Also, the story remains interesting the whole way through in all the paths I played, as well as unique and well thought out.
8/8

Branching: The choices start from the second page, which is truly the beginning of the actual story. Kudos for that. There’s not a lot of branching for awhile after that, but I didn’t really notice. The choices are a plethora of decisions, and most of them vastly impact the way the story goes.
However, there are a couple of pretty significant choices (especially towards the end) that are forced upon the reader instead of actually giving them options.
6/8

Bonuses:
Show, don’t tell! You appear to have this completely mastered. Seeing as it’s something I struggle with, this is especially impressive to me personally. +0.25

Rating: The bonus +0.25 brings it all to 6.25, which rounds right back down to six, which is really where I’d put this even without my rigged system, so we’re going with 6/8

**specifics (also known as spoilers) below**

I like the beginning. It’s ominous, mysterious, and intriguing.

You incorporated a pretty accurate description of PTSD, following the “show, don’t tell” rule masterfully.

Mayhap is a fun word.

Does the prefix “dum” perhaps mean “dumb”? I appreciate the humor here, even if I’m wrong.

Who is this mysterious Yulia?? You’ve created a curiosity in me, and if I don’t figure this out I will riot. Dead/lost love interests are definitely a good way to pique the reader’s interest— at least, it works on me. :p

I like that we are constantly reminded that the main characters are children. I’m not entirely sure if this was intentional, but it really drives home how horrifying the premise of the story actually is. Suzanne Collins could learn from that.

Ooh, Isaiah’s comment about the Archking not wanting Borthoden dead was some clever foreshadowing.

This Archking is a better person than I originally thought, apparently.

The reactions to Borthoden’s death are very realistic-feeling, and make the whole thing feel so much more devastating.

>I should be the one carrying the blame. Though I suppose it would be rather difficult to carry with one hand.
This is a fantastic line that deserves a mention of its own.

Mayhap again. I really do like this word, though I’m not sure why.

The poor Archking. I feel bad for him— how did the guard end up so terrible, sending children to their deaths, with such a good king?

I love how Isaiah’s quote is constantly used throughout the story

If I had to pick something to complain about, it would be that despite me choosing to make Leyonid a compassionate person by giving the little girl bread, he still beats a man “more than necessary” in front of his children, and acts very callous about the whole situation.

I also would’ve liked to be able to NOT promise the little girl I’d find her father, but you can’t give choices for every action or piece of dialogue, so this is really just me acting spoiled.

This story frequently references quotes from before, and the effect is wonderful. It shows how much Leyonid thinks about the past, despite his obvious desire to not become an old veteran haunted by memories.

Man, this kid is rough. I was physically flinching reading about the traitor’s torture. I’ll bet you really enjoyed writing that, right?
Goodness gracious. I’m glad this isn’t a movie- lordie, that is graphic.

And now his whole life goes to shit. I like that going against Isaiah’s advice and doing something terrible, is rewarded with terrible things happening to Leyonid.
Okay, fine, kill the kids, don’t ask me if that’s alright or anything.

Ooh, I don’t have to kill Bloodstone-sur. Good, I was through with the killing.

On the Prisoner ending, it says:
>She judges you even now, judged you as you brought that great rock down on her dead, copper eyes calling you a murder.
This is when talking about Yulia. Obviously that last word should be “murderer”. Yes, I had to dig to find anything wrong with SPAG. Kudos for very efficient proofreading.

Also this line:
>They watch you too, Ayisatsana's blue glare, six pairs of accusing eyes, and they say (italics) guilty.
Did you forget to actually make this italics?

The author’s note link is broken on the Prisoner ending, it takes you back to the same page.

Leal is a real word, look at that. I doubted you for a moment.

Damn, I was wrong about the dum vs dumb part.

Where do you pull these names from?

>They took the Archking from you. They took Yulia and your parents before him. They are cruel and unjust, and for that, they will never have your piety.
This makes it sound like Yulia is a dude.

I’m glad there’s a semi-happy ending available here, with visiting the Arching before he dies. I don’t think visiting the traitors should automatically make Leyonid a bad person and a torturer, though. It seems like a bit of a stretch.

I’ll pick the first memory to look through the other paths some other time. I’m looking forward to reading them.

The writing is very good and dynamic. The entire story is rather somber. The main character’s dealing with death and growing up is interesting. But I think this story suffers from exposition overload and characters whose names are more interesting than they are. This story also feels more fantasy than fairytale so it misses the contest theme. A lot of potential and I hope to read more from this author.