Claire of Lune

My first maturity 6 story that I read without being underage (16+) XD
This is a story of a girl’s battle against the crazies, the world, and herself.

CONTENT: 6
:) The setting was solid throughout, without sudden faults or logical fallacies in the plot that distracted the reader from the story. Every branch was tightly related to the overall themes and purpose of the story and the characters. Most of the plot lines were consistently executed. I liked the struggle with her father most as that one showed your potential and was the richest in content. The feelings of Claire was the most complicated out of the lines yet expressed well without overdoing it. I also liked how you compared the bright, simple life in the old days before all of this happened with the present. This helps the reader feel the disappointment of Claire in how the world turned out to be.
:| You didn’t have to say ‘brother is annoying’ or ‘mum is strict’, especially when you showed their characters through the story so well later on. To me the brother wasn’t a bit annoying in the whole story. His real self wasn’t really shown to the reader as his appearances and actions are all after the intruders entered the house.

LANGUAGE: 4
:) You were able to establish the mood well sometimes. I liked the descriptive scenes of a happier life back in the old days in one of the paths. The gore simply got to the point. It showed how much of a shock this event was to Claire yet not being so gruesome so that the reader cannot enjoy the story and focus on the main plot.
:| The main problem was grammar and absent punctuation. Tenses were all over the place, and most of the sentences began with ‘I’ with abrupt endings. Maybe you were trying to show a state of mind of Claire through the writing style, but I couldn’t really get what you were trying to express very clearly. Try to link your similar ideas with longer sentences and the story will read much more fluently.

BRANCHING AND GAMEPLAY: 5
:) Each branch was of a satisfactory length, and the pacing was mostly fine. There was good variation between each path without choices looping. Although most endings resulted in the death of Claire, the events in the middle varied greatly. Each branch revealed more about the setting and the overall story.
:| Some of the paths were quite linear, with some having only one or two actual choices. While it is understandable that a new page shows a new phase of the story, some were a bit excessive and were really just a way to ignore unfilled gaps in the story.

OVERALL RATING: 5
Well done! I see a lot of potential in this. Looking forward to more writing from you!

based on 29 ratings since 11/22/2017
played 1 times (finished 0)
your rating: unrated

Not much to comment about the game itself, but... how could there be 29 ratings when it is only played 1 time and finished 0?!

Excellent writing, but I want to know what happened to Claire's mother and how the place came to be like that—wrecked and with crazies running around. The story really pulled me in. :D

Well written though as a story it feels more like a prologue than a complete entry.

Holy cosmos, am I sleep deprived or drunk? Only idiots think you can fire a bow. Sorry Wibbins, don't know what that was about, but I'm going to have to re-read every entry I've read today from your story on. Brain running in reverse. Been a long week...

Wibbins, I am deeply disappointed. A girl does not shoot a bow. A girl looses or fires a bow.

Reminds me of Romero

I forgot to replace the first page's title with "The 1902 Winter in the American West". I won't modify the story until the contest is over, but I figured that information would make the story slightly less confusing.