Day of the Dead--One Soul's All Souls Procession

The first page feels like the strongest page out of the story. I like how you used the differences in beliefs between Matthew and his mother to tell the reader a little bit about the Day of the Dead. You did a great job expressing Matthew's shock by having him not realize he died.

Changing the text color was an interesting choice. The grey text seems to be used when Matthew ditches the costume to follow the man. If that's the case, I don't understand why you wouldn't do the same for the page that he phases through the wall. I'm not sure if that was from a lack of time or if it was intentional. The black text confuses me because it seems like it's being used for the main action of the story, but I don't understand why it was used in other places.

I think changing the font for the possession in the office ending was a good idea. In the possession ending, Matthew becomes the killer. In the office ending, Matthew is separate from the killer and is fighting against his influence.

Overall, ditching the costume feels like the stronger branch. Even if you didn't have the formatting, I think the action is expressed better and presents a moral dilemma. Do you try to save the kids and let the killer escape? Or, do you try to catch the killer and let the kids eat the candy? The choice to (impulsively) chase the man didn't make me question what the 'right' choice would be; the kids' lives aren't in danger because he didn't have a chance to hand out candy.

I thought the office ending with the epilogue was the most satisfying end. Unlike the other endings, the parents get closure and the killer is brought to justice. In other endings, the killer either dies or gets away. If the chase branch had felt stronger, I would've preferred the folder ending.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD.

I thought that this was an excellent story, especially considering that it was only written in four hours! Does that include the time spent revising/editing? Crafting a tale with consistent characterization of the protagonist and such a wide diversity of endings in such a short time is a very impressive feat, and for that I congratulate you.

I thought the writing was excellent. Most of the sentences flowed very well, and the overall narrative gripped my attention. Unlike most story-games, I read through all the endings in this one, because I really wanted to grasp the full picture.

The introduction to your story was well-done. I love how your opening passages (including the description of the narrator’s feelings of claustrophobia, and that moving around is hard) foreshadow that they are buried in a coffin. I also loved how the protagonist initially described feelings of disdain for their mother’s beliefs, before realizing that they were dead themselves, and their mother was correct all along.

I liked how one of the endings had an epilogue associated with it. Ironically, I didn’t think that this was truly the ‘best ending’ in the game. Although the police found the culprit in this ending (or rather, he found the police and confessed), he still poisoned several of the children, beforehand. I liked the ending “The Office” better, which revealed less information but in which none of the kids died.

Though I could tell this story was obviously thoroughly revised/edited, I did still spot a few grammar mistakes, throughout. For example, in the sentence “Everyone knows that death is the end, you may become nutrients for the grass…” you should have a semicolon after ‘end’ instead of a comma. The same principle applies for the following sentence, after the word ‘today’: “We only get one day now, today, the rest of the year we spend in the ground.” In this third sentence, you should have a comma after the word ‘light’: “Without a body, you feel extremely light making the task trivial”. Finally, in the following excerpt, you should have two extra commas, one after ‘turning’ and one after ‘namesake’: “Turning you come face to face with your late grandfather and namesake Matthew Garcia.” I also noticed that your page “The Office” had a different font than the rest of the story.

Regarding your epilogue – I liked how whether or not the possession failed depended on your choices in the beginning of the story. I also liked how the narrator started to get their own personality confused with that of the culprit.

I felt that the antagonist's motivations could have been explained better. He was upset about someone he cared about being murdered, so now he decided to hurt children in a similar fashion to achieve some sort of "poetic justice"? Poetic justice is when good characters are rewarded for their kind actions, and evildoers are ultimately punished. That doesn't really fit the man's actions, here.

At one point during the final scene, you write the following: “That’s you, the boy in the picture is you… It wasn’t you--why you need to remind yourself that is beyond you.” (Note that the ellipses are included to indicate not all of the author’s initial writing is included in the quotation.) Based on the context of this scene, the word ‘you’ in the first sentence refers to the narrator, whereas the word ‘you’ in the second sentence refers to the culprit – the protagonist is trying to remind themselves that they didn’t commit the crime. This isn’t really clear, and I would consider altering the text slightly to explain it.

Overall, I really liked this story. You should keep up the good work. 6/8.

I definitely enjoyed this story. To think this was written in four hours is astounding to me, on account of you stating that you wrote it in roughly 3 and edited in 1. This story would be good enough without the fact that it was written in 4 hours, though with that fact it makes the story exponentially more impressive. I read this in roughly ten to fifteen minutes, and that is with ever ending, so there is no excuse for you, the dumbass who reads reviews before the story, to not just go and read this story. Right now. Like for real go do that.

One thing I love about this story is the concept. I love the whole idea of being dead, and only rising up once a year. It is explained in such detail in the first paragraph too. I also like searching for your killer. The killer feels like a real person with his own motivations, and while they are insane, that just makes it better because I can see a person doing this. It wraps up good too and that brings me to my next point.

It is grounded. It knows what it wants to explore. I’ve said this in a lot of my reviews already, though being able to cover something so thoroughly in so few words never ceases to astonish me. This story is about a boy who was killed and while he is a spirt he stops the killer. That is it, no more, no less. What this does is it lets you hyper focus on this concept, and makes a short, focused, and if done well an amazing storygame.

I did like the branching. As I stated I got every ending and it branched fairly well. Every choice you make matters and all paths are roughly the same length. I have stated that time cave works great in these types of grounded stories, and this is no exception.

In conclusion this is a great game, that was written and edited in no more than 4 hours! Even without that it would have been great, though that makes it excellent. I almost want to give it a 7 because of that, though I can’t quite do that.

6 out of 8

The first page was probably your best page and it had me wanting to read more. It set up the character's personality and told me about the day of the dead through memories. The memories not only set up the plot and told me about the day of the dead, but it also made me feel like I was the character and it made me care about the outcomes. The general writing quality declined after the first page, but it was still good enough to make me want to find out who killed me.

Another good thing is that even though this was written in such a short time span it still had a decent amount of quantity and not too many spelling or grammar errors. I was able to find a few, but that is to be expected when you don’t have much time to proofread.

This is interesting

What a fascinating concept and very well written good job!

For something so short, really well balanced as a story, with an excellent twist at the end. Quite impressive for 4 hours work! Good job

*SPOILERS*

For a 2/8 length, there's a lot here. An actual plot with good writing, so nice. I liked it a lot.

The premise was unique and done very well. It was a little confusing at some times, but I figured it out after not much effort. It moves fast and sometimes I think too fast, but with 4 hours to write it, that's understandable. It's an interesting take on the afterlife and someone poisoning kids on Halloween.

The choices offered allow for flexibility of the player and also are choices that someone might realistically make. It deals with the supernatural, but nothing is implausible here. I really enjoyed the way that each choice will essentially take you down a completely different path to a different ending. It makes for a replayable, overall enjoyable storygame.

The writing itself is really good excepting a few spelling errors in the story. I don't know if the four hours included your revision time, but anyway a few things slipped through. They're not super noticeable in the story and fortunately don't subtract much from the reading experience.

6/8

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD.

I thought that this was an excellent story, especially considering that it was only written in four hours! Does that include the time spent revising/editing? Crafting a tale with consistent characterization of the protagonist and such a wide diversity of endings in such a short time is a very impressive feat, and for that I congratulate you.

I thought the writing was excellent. Most of the sentences flowed very well, and the overall narrative gripped my attention. Unlike most story-games, I read through all the endings in this one, because I really wanted to grasp the full picture.

The introduction to your story was well-done. I love how your opening passages (including the description of the narrator’s feelings of claustrophobia, and that moving around is hard) foreshadow that they are buried in a coffin. I also loved how the protagonist initially described feelings of disdain for their mother’s beliefs, before realizing that they were dead themselves, and their mother was correct all along.

I liked how one of the endings had an epilogue associated with it. Ironically, I didn’t think that this was truly the ‘best ending’ in the game. Although the police found the culprit in this ending (or rather, he found the police and confessed), he still poisoned several of the children, beforehand. I liked the ending “The Office” better, which revealed less information but in which none of the kids died.

Though I could tell this story was obviously thoroughly revised/edited, I did still spot a few grammar mistakes, throughout. For example, in the sentences “Everyone knows that death is the end, you may become nutrients for the grass…” you should have a semicolon after ‘end’ instead of a comma. The same principle applies for the following sentence, after the word ‘body’: “Without a body, you feel extremely light making the task trivial”, and this sentence, after the word ‘today’: “We only get one day now, today, the rest of the year we spend in the ground.” Finally, in the following sentence, you should have two extra commas, one after ‘turning’ and one after ‘namesake’: “Turning you come face to face with your late grandfather and namesake Matthew Garcia.” I also noticed that your page “The Office” had a different font than the rest of the story.

Regarding your epilogue – I liked how whether or not the possession failed depended on your choices in the beginning of the story. I also liked how the narrator started to get their own personality confused with that of the culprit.

At one point during the final scene, you write the following: “That’s you, the boy in the picture is you… It wasn’t you--why you need to remind yourself that is beyond you.” (Note that the ellipses are included to indicate not all of the author’s initial writing is included in the quotation.) Based on the context of this scene, the word ‘you’ in the first sentence refers to the narrator, whereas the word ‘you’ in the second sentence refers to the culprit – the protagonist is trying to remind themselves that they didn’t commit the crime. This isn’t really clear, and I would consider altering the text slightly to explain it.

Overall, I really liked this story. You should keep up the good work. 6/8.

This was really well done. There's a lot of content for something written in a small time-frame. Yeah, the change from 1st to 2nd person almost dissuaded me from continuing to read, but the style and interesting characteristics of the MC and his parents kept me going. I'm glad I kept going.