Project 4: Taking a Public Stance

You cited sources, what?? Sources in my educational story game. What is this kind of blasphemy? Really, it's very rare for an educational story game in this corner of the internet to display sources at the end (something we actually should make a habit out of it. Plagiarizing is kinda a dick move.)

You're already doing better than most, but what would make it even better is to either have in the text slight footnotes like: 50 percent of fish die (1). If it looks a bit too bulky you can also have the link of the source just under each page like some academic books. It also makes it for the reader easier to read more about this topic and look things up.

Furthermore, because this kind of info could quickly become dated, I would recommend to also add a date where you got your info sourced and when it was written (the ste does showcase it, but not on the main game page.)

In regards to domestic violence: I think the Convo would be more interesting if you discuss different kind of scenarios, especially because you mentioned the higher rates of domestic violence in indigenous community. Poverty and domestic violence often are linked together and resources to escape these shitty situations are harder to come by when you don't have a lot of money, not to mention the discrimination and general distrust people have towards law enforcement.

It would give the player a real wake up call when they see that the process of escaping the abuse is much easier for a white woman living in the suburbs with a big support network than a indigenous woman that has three jobs, lives in a trailer park with three kids and family that lives faraway. (Plus the murder part would also be interesting to cover as lots of murders do happen when people are leaving their relationships. Lots of very angry exes ahum.)

What I do like about the story game is that your choices are essentially meaningless and railroady. It's not a good thing in other games, but it does help emphasize how hard the system works against those who it is trying to help and how the is an enormous shortage on staff and resources for these people.

As for the writing, it is clear and concise, but holy shizz you need to learn to use paragraph breaks. The worst text wall was definitely the one on the first page. Please spare the eyes of future readers by pressing the enter key every now and then.

Overall, good job. You chose a hard topic to cover. It wasn't always perfect, but I think that I have learnt that I really wanna live in Minnesota anymore (I never did, lol), so one of your goals is at least achieved.

Please use paragraphs.

An interesting look at a topic that is not discussed enough. I also appreciate the inclusion of an bibliography at the end, although I think Darius has a good idea that showing these as footnotes on the specific page of reference might be better.

V__V's comment about the need for paragraphs, particularly on the first and last pages, is very accurate. I didn't notice many other SPAG issues, but the block paragraphs used do not make it the easiest read. The unemotional second person perspective also causes the reader to detach from the emotional impact of the material. This may have been intentional by the author, but it makes it difficult for a reader to connect to the story. Adding a most personal narrative, punctuated by footnotes or event end of page breakdowns, would likely make the story more engaging and do a better job of helping the reader remember the factual elements that the author is trying to get across.

OH MY GOD USE PARAGRAPHS! I was going to write an in depth review but no. Just no. Plus others have already put long reviews.