The Terror of the Sea

It is time to read this story. I deliberately put this off until after the contest because I didn’t want to be intimidated by his writing prowess. Having finished this storygame, I realize that is the right call, as Will remains the reigning master of the Edutainment category.

Disclaimer: There are lots of spoilers. I strongly suggest you read this storygame for yourself first. Also, this review is my own subjective opinion, so feel free to disagree or disregard whatever you see fit.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

I like how the story starts off with a heartfelt moment between the protagonist and his wife. It is often said that when writing about grand themes like justice or war, rather than immediately throwing the reader into endless battles or life-threatening fights, first make them care about the characters. The first page is a good way of anchoring the reader in the story and building up some of the personal stakes.

This story educates readers on how to write compelling conversations. The references to historical events frame the context of the story while avoiding an infodump. The central conflict between the two spouses is the protagonist’s fear of being gunned down by his father-inlaw— ahem, I mean, the war. Of course it’s the war. Through a layered conversation, the horrors of war are illustrated on a personal level: a widow in a wedding dress at a graveside, a wife waking up to an empty bed, a child growing up without a father.

Though if I’m being honest, I’m starting to think the true terror of the story is the poor child who, if not for Grace’s intervention, might be named Gretchlin like some sort of Germanised gremlin. (Seriously, is this guy *trying* to get his kid bullied at school?)

At first, I scrutinized the sentence about the violence and suffering in the world, wondering if it’s a run-on, then I realized I like it. The use of commas near the start provides some structure, splitting up the different clauses, but as the protagonist’s thoughts spiral out of control, the sentence rambles on without any punctuation to divide it so that it can move from one brutal description to the next like a slideshow of pictures depicting the horrors of war. Maybe that’s the effect it was going for.

CHARACTERS

Many characters are introduced in the second page. As someone who is notoriously bad at remembering names (thankfully this isn’t a problem when everyone’s names on CYS appear beneath their profile pictures), I found the Seven Dwarves reference helpful for categorising the names in my mind. Perhaps I’ll use this technique when meeting new people and assign them a fictional character! Edit: actually, reading this back, I don’t know what I was thinking. How does that help me remember people’s names as opposed to accidentally insulting someone by saying, “Good morning, Sneezy! Oops, sorry, you must believe me, I wasn’t making fun of your pollen allergy!”

A slight nitpick would be that at times, the different names meant I had to check back to see who was who. I mistakenly thought Garrick was Grumpy at one point just because he frowned.

The lighthearted bickering and bantering between the dwarves nicely contrasts the darker tone lingering in the background of this story. These moments show the closeness between the men and reminds the reader that ultimately, the tragedy of war is its impact on real people, with their own friendships, in-jokes and mannerisms.

STORYWRITING & THEME

The first threat to the protagonist’s life on the journey is when, during a peaceful night, the ship catches on fire. It was a sudden turn of events from ‘All is calm and perfectly peaceful’ to ‘At giant explosion rocks the ship, blasts fire through one wall and flames incinerate dozens of sleeping men’ (there’s a typo there which I’ve only realized as I pasted this line into the review). The abrupt tonal shift perfectly encapsulates the protagonist’s shock in the moment: there’s no time to dwell on what happened, only to react instantly.

Turns out we can’t help those on fire without burning ourselves. There’s probably a life lesson in there too. Oh wait, I jumped to conclusions, just like that guy jumped into the sea and ended up drowning himself. And no, Larry, you can’t say you knew this would happen, otherwise you wouldn’t have done this now, would you?

‘You join the rush to the stairs and find yourself amidst a great pushing and shoving crowd of bodies, like a single great creature bursting upwards with life, and, swept along, you somehow make it up the angled stairs, which is like climbing an increasingly steep hill, before suddenly emerging, with a great burst of relief, out into the warm night air of the deck.’ – I really like this sentence. It’s the perfect blend of description that moves the plot forward and the use of pacing and rhythm to make the reader feel the effect of these words. The sentence sweeps you along with its natural ebb and flow, its pauses, building tension, then with its second-last clause it ends with a great burst of relief, as the protagonist makes it out of the sinking room.

Isolating the sentence ‘It’s bad.’ on its own line is impactful, though it made me chuckle a little at our protagonist, who wins understatement of the year. Seeing how quickly everyone abandons the ship reminds me of the Mary Celeste unsolved mystery; this makes the fear of the ship sinking a much more likely option for everyone to hastily leave it.

I like the realism of some choices. For instance, ducking under the water to see what is bothering Ron doesn’t help at all, since it’s already established that they’re in pitch black darkness and wouldn’t be able to find anyone else until the sun rises. Then again, that page has a mistake where Ron calls the protagonist ‘Ron’, though maybe the shock of being adrift in the middle of the ocean after an attack has just caused him to give his own name to someone else, I probably shouldn’t judge him for that.

Okay, now I feel bad. It seems like Sleepy’s fatal flaw, aka sleeping, has become a literal *fatal* flaw. The repetition here conveys the protagonist’s shock and disbelief really well, while also cementing in the reader’s mind what happened: ‘He has no legs. He has no lower half whatsoever. It’s just gone. It’s gone and your friend is dead.’ The description of his torso and head floating in the water is just terrifying.

Maybe it’s the fright of the moment or the protagonist has some sort of autism because he starts listing all the types of sharks there are: ‘Blue Sharks, Mako Sharks, Tiger Sharks, White Tip Sharks’. Description is done well, highlighting specific characters and their unique circumstances moments before their limbs are severed and their blood gushes out into the water. The terror of the sea is multiplied tenfold in the ending where the protagonist dies in the shark attack, his last thought of never making it back home to his wife. I caught a misspelling of somersaulting as ‘summersaulting’, but I like this as a summer-related pun.

This story is very useful if I ever get in a shark attack. I shall keep the following tips in mind: always swim to the closest life raft, do not open a tin of spam no matter how hungry I am, and don’t drink seawater (but splashing my lips with it is fine). Also, don’t start randomly killing my fellow survivors because someone accuses them of being Japs (maybe this one can be summarised as ‘don’t be racist’).

As the story goes on, there are some heartwarming scenes, like the protagonist and Ron holding hands as they sleep so they don’t drift apart (I think otters do the same thing), which makes the ensuing tragedy more hard-hitting. Moments of light conversation, like when the Dwarves chat about their girlfriends, provide a brief respite from all the darker, heavier portions of the story, splitting up the segments of shark attacks while showing the passing of time in a meaningful way.

Oh no, I think I’ve spotted a pattern. Every time a dwarf opens up about themself, or shares a sweet moment with the protagonist, they die. So now that the protagonist shares the truth about Ron’s death with Sydney… yep, called it. Why do you have to torture your readers, Will? Rather than kill off random no-names, you build our connection to these characters, playing with our empathy, all mere moments before you drown them in the undercurrents of death.

Perhaps it’s a different type of horror, how if Jonnie tries to do anything to save anyone else from their fate or avenge them or go with them, he ends up dead. The only way to survive is to watch as death claims his friends one by one.

The description of Earnest’s feet being dissolved by seawater is nightmarish, maybe it was a bad decision to read this right before midnight. Oh, goodness, you just had to kill him too, did you? And he was so close! I guess this is how you write a memorably tragic war story: provide a compelling reason for each character to live, then show why despite their best efforts, they will die. And the scary thing is that these men, as bone-chilling as their stories are, are only a fraction of all the deaths caused by the war. How many other families are torn apart; how many other names go unmourned? Great, now I’m depressed.

I like that the story continued to explore the aftermath of the situation. Rather than outrightly mention Johnny’s development of PTSD, it is shown in his actions like his fear of the sea and always keeping food on him. It also resurfaces (pun intended) when he takes his son swimming, which is a small detail that adds more weight to the narrative. He’s haunted by the guilt of what happened, of not being able to save those men, and it bleeds into his everyday life.

The court-martial scene resonated with me: it shows how the law can be twisted for political agenda which, ironically enough, perverts justice. For instance, it is wielded as a weapon against Captain McVay, who we know from the protagonist’s perspective has been helping the men survive to the best of his abilities, but he is now a scapegoat because the public needs someone to blame. But as the narrative points out, the true cause of the problem—the delay, the officer who didn’t raise the alarm, the lack of investigation of the message reported—are buried away.

Wait, what? Grumpy survived! Why did he not reach out to the protagonist for all those years? The redemption scene for McVay is, at its core, equally as important for the protagonist—it’s not explicitly stated, but their parallel stories show how despite what they think, the deaths of the other men are not their fault. Each of them did what they could in the circumstances, and whether by luck or fate or some higher power, some of them survived while others didn’t. Yet, survivor’s guilt gets too much for McVay, who ends his life as another casualty, another story cut short by tragedy. While it’s a good thing the truth is eventually revealed, it is a few decades too late. But at the very least, the protagonist gets to enjoy his life with his wife and his child (who thankfully has a sensible name) and though a lot has changed, the ending mirrors the start of the story—a married couple in love, grateful for one another.

TL;DR

Will, you truly did this story justice. It portrayed the crew of the Indianapolis as larger than life characters, brimming with hopes and desires, until they met their unfortunate demise. The narrative is a perfect blend of darker themes with lighter scenes; of dramatism and realism. It is a poignant tale crafted in the hands of a spectacular writer.

Terror of the Sea is a well written historical story that in my opinion, is a great example of an edutainment story, because the game achieves both goals of entertaining its audience and educating us about the historical events.

I would say the only thing that really rubbed me the wrong way with this story was the lack of choices. I know you were going for a gauntlet structure, but at times, there was an absence of choices with just a "continue" link, and sometimes the choices didn't offer much nuance. I feel like having choices that were not as obviously good/bad would increase player control. But to be fair, this is more story/game, this is just something I wanted to note.

I enjoyed the language/prose style of this story. Will manages to present history in an accurate and faithful way, showcasing his veritable treasure trove of knowledge off, while at the same time, not sounding like a pretentious douche while doing so.

I would say that is a huge strength in all of Will's stories. He really does make history come alive, because the characters in his stories talk like people you could know in real life would. I do think there is a sense of tradeoff when it comes to historical accuracy versus entertainment value, as at times, the characters use terms like "dipshit" and a few other colloquialisms that I doubt were present during the time. But I think this is more of a nitpick, because on the whole, this story is an example of dialogue/character interactions done right. They don't feel shining paragons of virtue or cardboard-thin stereotypes of sailors in the Navy, rather than people you actually know in real life.

The choice of naming each of the sailors after the seven dwarves was an interesting one! I think it worked since the nicknames were fun and endearing, which sets up the later tragedy quite well, because there's a huge contrast between the jovial tone of the beginning and the subsequent tragedy.

I really like that you don't hold back on some of the more disturbing aspects of the tale. I really loved the parts with the sharks, they were genuinely terrifying. Some of the details like people's skin slipping off when they were pulled onto the boat made my skin crawl. It also shows how much research you did, since if I'm being honest, I didn't even think about that aspect of spending so much time in saltwater and what it might do to your skin until I saw that.

I think the best part of this story was your command over the narrative and your ability to write characters that we can't help but root for. I really felt the emotions of this story, and I got to admit, the ending where McVay ends up being blamed for the whole thing was so messed up.

Overall, this was a really strong start to the Edutainment contest, and a really good entry by Will, who is currently(and probably for many more years to come) the undisputed King of Edutainment. I feel like this is a really respectable story. I debated giving this one a 6 because although the core of the story was strong, I would have liked to have seen more choices, but ultimately, it does it's job well, and tells the story of the tragedy of the USS Indianapolis in an interesting and historically accurate way, so my final score is a 7/8.

The Terror of The Sea is a gritty historical piece that tells of the bravery of a sailor against impossible odds. The research Will has done into the historical aspects of the story give it a weight of realism that really enhances the tragic things that the protagonist of the story has to face. This was an amazing read. Highly recommend.

<<SPOILER WARNING>>

WRITING:

As I had mentioned earlier, the realism of the story is a big part of why it works so well. The characters are just ordinary people facing an extraordinary situation and the story never lets you forget it. I love that the story started with the protagonist sharing an intimate moment with his lover. It clearly establishes the stakes and has the reader invested bringing Doc back home safely to Grace.

The time at sea was also captured in harrowing beauty. The idea that you wake every morning to sharks tearing your comrades to shreds and the fact that you could become numb to it is something that is truly chilling. Between that and the vivid descriptions of how dehydration and starvation ravaged the sailors, the prose did a good job of expressing what a horrible experience the survivors of the Indy had to withstand.

The epilogue afterward also felt extremely realistic, detailing how memories of that experience affected the protagonist. Without the anchor that was his wife and child, who knows how things would've turned out. The writing really makes the reader ask this question before answering it with the fates of the other survivors some of whom killed themselves, unable to escape from their past.

There were some rare instances of SPAG (Nothing good lastS forever), but it was rare enough that it didn't affect my experience.

CHARACTERS:

Doc as a character functions quite well as a blank slate which in turn allows readers to take multiple different courses of action without breaking immersion too badly. He is fleshed out just enough to feel real which in my opinion is the best way to make a protagonist for a storygame. His PTSD after the war is also written very well.

I kind of wish the rest of the "Dwarves" had more time to shine but nonetheless they all remain consistent to their characters even in times of crises. Each bring their own unique brand of thinking to each crisis they face, which in turn sets up the choices that are offered to the protagonist.

Of note are the two real characters: McVay and Hashimoto. The story had me angry with Hashimoto just like the protagonist but seeing him defend McVay in his own way made me realize that he had a sense of honour and self respect. He wasn't just a "bad guy" but a soldier doing his best for his country, even if his best was subjecting the protagonist and his friends to the horrors of the sea. It gave him an extra dimension that was surprising and refreshing for me.

As for McVay, I will just say that the scene where the survivors saluted him at their reunion brought tears to my eyes. He was the man they looked to for guidance at the bleakest hour but it was only after that they learned what it cost him.

STRUCTURE:

I usually talk about how the story handles branching in this part but there isn't really much to talk about in this case. The story is mostly linear with a few choices that you can explore but it definitely did feel like there were some obvious right choices and many wrong ones that would lead you immediately to a game over. I didn't really bother trying to explore other choices mostly because I felt like I took the most satisfying path in my first try.

Overall, I give this one a 7/8. Congrats on the early entry, Will. :]

This story won me over.

There were a few moments early on where I was leery--having to choose bow, stern, below decks felt like a three-sided coin toss without any particular narrative stakes, which then turned out to all lead to the same place anyhow. And there were moments where I thought, yes, yes, don't drink seawater, look at me avoiding the bad ends. Yes, Great Gatsby under the poster of Rita Hayworth. There were moments where I exhaled at the Seven Dwarves and the peanuts.

However, it did win me over. Here's why. Once you get past the action-adventure of the at-sea survival and (for me) the less interesting shark follies, this story had real emotional bite in its last third. The choices about attending the court-martial, the reunion--that was well written, emotional, and earned by the trauma of the first two-thirds of the story.

This story didn't end up being an education in the minutiae of the time period, or of ships, but about a very particular emotional horror and numbness, and while I didn't come away with any particular knowledge of what to do if I run into sharks or get torpedoed, I did come away with a deeper appreciation of the horror of it all, and I can't really ask for more from an edutainment--if that's the right word for this--storygame.

I don't got much to say, but I must say this was a very professionally written story with a fun and exciting way of making it engaging, I wish schools would use such a system like this.

This story was interesting but I didn’t really get the plot but the choices and that are fun the story needs for depth I think

Excellent story. There are a few run-on sentences and missing punctuation, but overall no SPAG issues significant enough to break my immersion in the story. As someone who works with veterans regularly (and is married to one), this story does a good job honoring them and the sacrifices that were required.

This story is well worth a read and review by everyone.

At times like this you really start to wonder, why even bother with a contest.

That's just not fair to the rest of us in the contest, Will! You wrote this in a month? Fuck you honestly. 7/8

This is (as far as I can tell) a seriously researched and epically written story of realistic people suffering unimaginable horrors. Thanks to the author for including so much of the before-and-after, which brings it alive even more and roots it in real history.