Sanctimonium: Lambs and Wolves

Your writing is consistently above average and there were no errors that stood out, so for once I don't have to waste two thirds of a review on the extremely basic and remedial technical stuff. That's so refreshing.

There is however a major bug I ran into: From the guidebook, there's no link to go back to the story. I read through the entries, then had to start spamming the 'Go back' button, but it eventually stopped working and I had to restart the entire story. I'd really really recommend fixing that one as it may be a factor in the number of reviews you're receiving for what's otherwise a pretty solid story.

Anyway, as for feedback on the writing itself, the first couple of pages were short compared to most of the rest and a little on the dull side. I worry people might glance at just the first page and then exit it without really getting into the meat of the story. A little more focus on the mother's worry in the beginning might have hinted something was off and done a better job of grabbing a reader's attention. (I felt like they had woefully underprepared Sam for a situation that could literally be life or death, as well...)


And the story you do have here to a point makes for an enjoyable read. The characters are likeable and the setting is interesting to learn about and explore, but, a major flaw is the linearity. In the early part whether you ask questions constantly or play as a perfect Lamb makes zero difference, you get sent to the SFC regardless. There were a few points where things I'd just learned from a previous choice were repeated, or when other things were referenced the story hadn't covered at all--a major one being why Sam wasn't effected by the drug, or what Ray was even talking about before she got onto the bus. Those only make sense if you refuse the drug, which I didn't do the first time.

Really there are several places where a bit of simple scripting to alter a few lines here and there to reflect your choices would make the scene flow more naturally without altering the main plot. (Though as I said, this really could use SOME choices that shake up the 'canon' plot line a little more, in ways beyond simply losing.)

The whole thing with Smith never went anywhere in any of the versions I played through. Not sure what the point was of having a second person allegedly sympathetic to the girls when Ray already filled that roll, honestly.

Annnd...really gotta say it, I felt like the plot fell apart once people started literally transforming into animals. That all came out of nowhere and stretched credibility, it would've been a stronger story without it IMO.

On the side of realism as well, there was also the issue of...why didn't the whole family just pack up and leave well before the story's events? They were outside the city, out in a forest with nothing visibly compelling them to stay. As far as oppressive dystopias go, the Sanctimonium seemed really simple to just walk away from. (And of course in the end that's what they did.)

All in all a story I enjoyed reading however, and that 30k is a very respectable word count. I'm looking forward to the next one and simply hoping it will have more variety in the choices and outcomes.

Overall, pretty good.

Obviously, you put effort into this, but I feel as if it was better in quantity than quality.

It was definitely a good length, but some parts of the storygame had a lot more obvious effort put into them than others. Like i've said to many other authors, make sure the quality in your storygames don't wear thin. Make sure your whole story is good quality, not just parts of it.

The plot was well fleshed out, and I feel that you did a good job of creating a scene. You explained the overall situation pretty decently throughout the story, and the setting as well was clear and can easily be pictured wih the detail provided.

There's also multiple grammatical errors in this, as well as a few spelling errors. A quick proofreading can easily fix these.

Character development was present, but not in large portions. Please provide more detail about some of the characters, because some of them feel a bit dull, and just there for plot convenience.

Overall, the storygame itself was fun and detailed enough to keep me reading. But try to make sure the quality doesn't wear thin, and try to keep spelling and grammatical errors to a minimum.

4/8.

A story of a very well thought out and detailed sci fi dystopia which seems aimed at middle school age readers.

I was wondering why this wasn't rated higher but then I realized it really is quite linear in the earlier and middle sections. Still an enjoyable read and I'd like to see more like this.

it was ok, nothing killer but good enough I guess

This story is interesting to read.