Player Comments on Siren

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, this review will contain lots of spoilers, so I suggest you read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Within one line, the description characterizes the protagonist, his motivation and his goal. It also builds atmosphere and hints at the central conflict of the story. His personality makes him uniquely suited to this story; in a world where there’s likely to be superstitions about a siren, he doesn’t believe in such things and is willing to venture into the unknown for money. Good dynamics are established before the storygame even begins.

The first page opens with dialogue. It creates mystery as to what the old man is speaking about. There is an investigator, here to unravel a mystery, and the protagonist, who thinks it’s an open and shut case. The protagonist scoffing at the detective shows his character. He sees the other man as “enthralled” and a “wannabe detective”. Their fight develops both their characters further, as there’s a complete clash of personalities. They’re character foils. The protagonist is just there for the money, believing the man’s wife has been eaten by a shark, whereas Peterson sees a greater mystery to solve. He’s interested in finding out more about the case.

Therefore, to each of them, the other is unbearable. The protagonist doesn’t like how Peterson is making things unnecessarily complicated and wasting time by trying to play detective. On the other hand, Peterson hates how the protagonist is just there for the money and doesn’t care much about the old man or what happened to his wife. The latter is the more likable (and dare I say, reasonable) one here.

At first, I thought the lengthy description about Mr. Adams was unnecessary and slowed down the pacing, but then I realized how it is an effective way to show how the Siren has affected him. His sudden outburst portrayed his passion, juxtaposing his earlier emotionless state. He’s clear about what he saw. It emphasizes the truth which the protagonist would eventually have to come to terms with.

Having the other detective there furthers the plot, as he asks questions the protagonist never would due to how he thinks he already knows what happened. Dialogue is used to convey new information that is relevant to the characters: Mr Adams’ wife was dragged into the waters, but a few hours later, he saw her and she attacked him. There are several possibilities that Peterson entertains; this leaves many unanswered questions, like clues to a mystery that the reader isn’t quite sure how to piece together yet.

There is a legend of the Bullhead Rock Siren, but the protagonist is not convinced in the slightest. He relies more on his own experiences and senses, and he has never seen it before. He sees those who believe in the legend as ‘attention-seekers’

The call to action, as delivered by Mr Adams, is to put his wife to rest. The money he offers forms the protagonist’s motivation. He’s not there to help, nor does he care about the old man. Given that he thinks she’s been eaten alive, it also shows how he is willing to take advantage of other people’s desperation to get money. This first page sets out a clear goal and also builds the stakes: not just death, but a fate worse than death.

WRITING STYLE

Dialogue is employed well for characterization, as each of the characters have distinct voices. The protagonist uses contractions and informalities, e.g. “yer”, “ya” and “‘bout”. Peterson, however, is more unsure, which is shown through his hesitations, questions and filler words. The protagonist enjoys insulting others, especially Peterson: “you’re as dumb as they come”, “little man”, “kid” and even the sarcastic “sherlock”. Mr Adams is described as “a confused geezer”.

Peterson represents the general reader with common sense — how can the protagonist be willing to head out there, without any plans or precautions, after what they just heard?
And how could he take advantage of the old man, thinking he’s blinded by his delusions and grieving? It makes the protagonist more unlikable, but this means his character arc at the end becomes all the more satisfying. Though more on that later.

Soon, the scene is set. As the protagonist and his apprentice head out in their boat, it is cold, without any sunlight, and there’s an “ever-thick blanket of gray in every direction”. It gives a sense of unease as the fog clouds their line of vision. Horror stories are partially about creating an atmosphere that fills the reader with anticipation and fear. This does it well.

There’s a moment of calm before the storm. The narrative focuses on the protagonist’s ease, relaxing as he looks out at familiar waters, reminiscing about how his boat was passed down by his father. After the first page where a lot of information and stakes were revealed, the pacing slows slightly. It’s a good technique to ensure the pacing ebbs and flows.

The description of the siren spans several lines. In fact, the lack of overly descriptive passages before this emphasizes its strange appearance even more, from its human looking hand to its grey skin. I noticed an observation → reaction → observation cycle, where the protagonist first takes in the scene, then reacts accordingly. For instance, the siren freezes, so the protagonist backs up, but it lashes out, so he falls backwards. This creates a chain of causation that is easy to follow, making each action connected to the ones prior.

While I do have more notes regarding the writing style, they’re linked to the next category so I’ve added them there instead. Sorry if this review is a bit less structured than normal.

PLOT & CHARACTER

Travis appears quite incompetent, which is shown through details like how he spent three minutes to bait his fishhook and failing, or how the protagonist describes him as “clumsy” and “completely hopeless in most regards”. He even runs a worm-covered hand through his hair. His only strength is that he’s determined. But this determination, if paired with incompetence, may be the reason for his downfall.

Once more, the two of them are character foils: incompetence vs expertise. While he tries in vain to bait a fish for three minutes, the protagonist does so in a second. It sets up interesting dynamics considering the protagonist’s impatience and Travis’ determination to learn from him.

On the first path I read, during their first encounter with the Siren, the protagonist is nearly sent overboard. It has an iron grip, nails digging into his skin, and despite his best efforts, he’s unable to get free. This creates a moment of realization: he’s not prepared to deal with her.

I like the choice to have Travis save him. Even though he stumbles and hesitates, he uses the meat cleaver to cut off the Siren’s hand. This marks a complete role reversal between them. The ‘less competent’ one saves the seasoned fisherman. And even now, the horror aspect remains, where the readers imagine how he cuts straight through to the bone. Black blood oozes out. Travis removes one finger at a time. Through over-describing this scene, the author is able to slow the pacing and immerse the reader in this gruesome moment. It adds to the sickening feeling.

Maybe it’s just me, but the protagonist seems borderline insane. Even after nearly dying, he doesn’t even take a moment to recover and he isn’t shaken by the attack in the slightest. He instantly chases after the siren, seeing it as the key to his paycheck.

When chasing the Siren, at one point, it disappears. I like the line “When your gaze returns to the water, you freeze up in confusion, eyes scanning all across where the body should be, but it's just gone.” Despite it being a longer cumulative sentence, each clause adds to the growing feeling of suspense and uncertainty. It also reminds me of the advice I once read: the most important point should go at the end of the sentence. Here, it is Travis’ disappearance.

In another branch, Travis is suddenly attacked. He first has false hope, believing the Siren to be weakened, but his sentence goes unfinished. The pacing speeds up. Short clauses separated by commas, as the Siren attempts to kill, but the protagonist retaliates, eventually stomping on her head. Although Travis is greatly injured, the Siren is in a worse state.

The protagonist finally sees it, and this moment is impactful because it threatens his core belief. “It defies everything you've believed”. But the protagonist tries to deny it even further when Travis tells him he owes the other characters an apology for dismissing their claims about the siren. It’s how he deals with his misbelief being threatened.

Travis and the protagonist saved each other, changing things between them. They sit together, as equals, speaking about all that happened. Though the change isn’t explicitly mentioned, it’s conveyed through dialogue. The protagonist no longer insults him, but entertains his questions, even the one which is somewhat of an insult (about how much he loves money).

It provides a bit of information about his backstory: he cares this much about money because it was how he was brought up, and people tend to live their parents’ truths because it’s all they know (unless something happens to change that, but that’s why we have character arcs). Travis says his parents would just spend the money on beer. He’s opening up too about his background. The protagonist mentions how he shouldn’t feel guilty about paying him in experience, which shows he’s starting to actually care! This information about the both of them makes them more real and developed, and therefore gets the reader to root for their survival.

An effective technique is that each page ends at a high point, like the call to action, the protagonist realizing his misbelief is flawed, and the siren’s third attack. It compels readers to continue the story.

Furthermore, there are realistic consequences to choices. Dumb decisions like the protag putting his hand into the water, as expected, leads to death.

If the protagonist stays up all night, the narrative dwells a bit more on the protagonist’s thoughts, which haven’t been characterized as much throughout the earlier scenes. At times, he appeared unaffected by events. But now, as night goes on, the readers are able to see how he is paranoid about every splash in the ocean, realizing the Siren is a much more intelligent and paranormal being. I have a slight nitpick here. The stakes do not appear too high, as for such an intelligent creature, they’ve bested it every time. Even their injuries—which are supposedly grievous—are not brought up again. Perhaps something about how it affects their current ability to perform actions on the boat or how it would weaken them in upcoming confrontations would make the Siren appear more formidable, and make the previous fights have a more lasting impact.

Actually, the protagonist not sleeping does have a large impact, since it means he’s unable to fight the next day when the Siren arrives, becoming one of her victims instead. The ending reveals more about the story and piques readers’ curiosity through mentions of the goddess bringing food for her people. It prompts them to find out more about the story. Immersion is created through the protagonist’s confusion. Description involves a number of details that only infer the larger picture: water in the protagonist’s lungs, lack of clarity as to what is occuring, rough stone as he’s dragged along into the darkness. The other sirens are similar yet different from the Siren. Parts of their appearance match hers, except that their grips are weak. As for the protagonist, there is an overwhelming sense of helplessness. He cannot speak and cannot move, stuck there like in a coma, his body not responding to his mind, able to do nothing but watch as he’s eaten alive.

On the other branch, Travis’ injury is mentioned and the both of them share more about each other. It’s an important aspect of stories that many other plot-focused narratives tend to miss out—there has to be breathing space in between, so the pacing speeds up and slows down. This gets readers to care about the characters too. Here, the protagonist starts to show a soft spot for Travis, as he actually makes sure he’s alright and questions him when he just pretends to be okay. Also, Travis’ motivation for joining him on this quest is revealed: he doesn't want to seem like a nobody and wants to impress a girl. The protagonist trying to encourage him by saying no one else has gotten bitten by a siren is a sweet moment. The next day, they are well rested and prepared to fight the Siren.

Siren seems to have completely recovered, which explains why she wanted her hand and raises the stakes as they’re the only ones injured. On one hand (get it?), I would have liked to see this dwelt more on, and how it changes the protagonist’s plans, but on the other, it may slow the pacing.

I have a slight nitpick, though feel free to disregard this, Sherb, as you’re the expert in horror while I don’t have much experience with the genre yet. At first, I found myself thinking that this story wasn’t as frightening as Reborn, seeming more like an action monster-hunting story as another comment pointed out, though I couldn’t place the reason. It has a strong sense of atmosphere and a scary antagonist. But the reason is likely that the protagonist himself is hardly shown to be afraid of the siren. Throughout the story, even when her fingers tear into his skin or she regrows back her limbs, he never seems scared. He just continues fighting as if nothing has ever happened. This is also why the part where he muses about her being unlike other creatures is a bit out of place. He has just been hunting her like any other creature, relying on strength more than wits or strategy. And she acts on pure instinct, whether that is impatience or anger. Neither of them seem to show much forethought and planning before attacking the other. Travis seems like the only one who understands he’s in a horror story haha. Him knocking the Siren out with a heavy box shows his courage in the face of fear, leading to Legend Killer ending (more about that in the next section).

On my second playthrough, Travis is the one fishing when the Siren attacks. Suspense is drawn out through details like how he isn’t anywhere to be seen and his fishing rod is cut. Once more, the observation → reaction (or how the protagonist interprets this) format is used, creating a logical sequence of events. When this sequence is broken by a question that can’t be answered, it creates suspense. The verbs “descending”, “flailing” and “suffocating” are in order of severity, hence the stakes are raised, as each moment, he moves slightly closer to death.

If the protagonist chooses to go on without him, he realizes that the Siren wants to kill him as much as he wants to kill it. I like the foreshadowing where it’s easy to chase after, thrashing about in the water. This was a trap. Trying to catch the Siren with a net only enrages it. Later, as his boat is destroyed, he has to face the truth: the Siren is real and much smarter than he thought.

Losing the boat affects the protagonist much more than losing Travis, though this is a sad scene. He thinks about money again and how much it would cost to repair it, coming to the conclusion that no matter what, it wouldn’t be enough. “Each piece, bit by bit, this monster taking away the last memory of family you have” — It shows the significance of this boat, making readers sympathize more, and its destruction is a gradual process, thereby really emphasizing his dark disaster moment.

Detective Peterson returns but the protagonist sees Travis begging to be saved. This parallels the story about the old man and his wife. Since the protagonist doesn’t believe in the sea witch, he is not afraid to help him. He succumbs to the fate that the old man narrowly avoided. Yet, leaving Travis there doesn’t lead to a happy ending either (more on that later; I’m starting to realize this new review structure isn’t the best chronologically either lol).

When the protagonist chooses to save Travis, he emerges in a new location. This setting is far more ominous than the seas. It is much too dark and too cold, with a blackened puddle being one of the first things the protagonist sees. He feels the slash wound across his throat; a reminder of a fate he almost met. His flashlight being about to die adds to the stakes.

The left or right choice is foreshadowed by cave art about what is in each room. There’s just enough information for the reader to guess at what is happening, yet the use of uncertainty like “hard to make out what exactly the food is” leaves questions unanswered. It’s paced well: the description first focuses on the worshippers, then the woman with rays of light, and finally, her lower body which is like a fish. It leaves the most surprising information until the end. The line “Your stomach turns” shows the impact on the protagonist and ends the page at a suspenseful point.

Motifs of cold and warmth are sprinkled throughout this path. The cavern is extremely cold, yet the protagonist finds warmth in the wailing voices and the pedestal. But it’s a false sort of comfort which dissipates as soon as he denies the Siren’s blessing.

The man with soulless white eyes speaks with simplistic words, with the repetition of gray, possibly hinting at the fact that he has been there so long he started to lose his mind. Still, the protagonist finds out answers when conversing with him. More light is shed as to the Siren’s actions and how she has amassed a cult-like following.

Denying the offer of a blessing leads to death. In this storygame, each of the death scenes are crafted carefully, rather than brushed aside like other stories I’ve seen. Descriptive language and sensory details, from the “rabid growls” to the “wave of pale and vicious attackers” ground readers in the scene, are interspersed with the protagonist’s thoughts, like how there’s no point in fighting back as there are too many of them.

Speaking of endings, let’s move to the next section.

ENDINGS

—Ghost town ending—

This ending uses a bit of ‘telling’ to summarize the trip back, though it makes sense as that information isn’t as important so the pacing speeds over these parts. Then, the Siren is found to be missing. She goes after the town instead. This ending showcases just how powerful she is, able to take down the entire place. It is worth considering, though, why she has never attempted to do this before if she could destroy the entire place in a matter of moments. But it captures the guilt of the protagonist quite well as he and his apprentice are haunted by what happened.

—Legend killer ending—

This is one of my favorite endings alongside the secret one. The protagonist almost forgets about the money after seeing how many people and families have been torn by that monster, which marks the start of his redemption arc. He achieves his goal of getting lots of money. Still, he remains for a while to train Travis, who has a new girlfriend (so it’s a happy ending for him too). The protagonist is finally at peace. Earlier he enjoyed the fog-filled seas, but now, he smiles when sunlight filters through the fog. The sunlight could be a metaphor or symbol of hope. And he finally has a sense of belonging

—Abandoner ending—

This may be somewhat of a corruption arc, as the protagonist only wanted the money and realizes it is not enough motivation. He tries to rationalize how Travis was never going to make it anyway, perhaps as a way to alleviate his guilt.

—Empty ending—

In this ending, the protagonist is forced to reconcile with the truth and abandon his misbelief. It starts with the line: “You’ve never been one to buy into the supernatural”. The protagonist knows, realistically, that the person before him asking for help cannot be Travis, as it’s impossible. But the voice is hard to ignore. It’s the classic emotions vs logic debate, where the protagonist has to control his emotional reaction in the face of logic.

But in the end, he feels empty. It’s a parallel to the old man at the start who lost his wife; the same man he scorned and wanted to take advantage of to get his money. And the ending line contrasts the first: “The monster is real”. The difference between these sentences shows his character arc.

—Blessed ending—

Whichever the protagonist chooses, whether that is taking the blessing or offering it to Travis, he thinks he’s giving Travis the better fate. It shows he’s got a soft spot for the boy. He isn’t as uncaring as he seemed at the start. Woah, it was dark how he had to eat the hand of the one who hired him for this mission, especially with the wedding ring on his finger. His wife was there too, with “eyes of pure evil.”

—Secret ending—

Time loops are fun. The protagonist can finally free the souls of these victims, which is the quest he was hired for at the start (to put Mr Adams’ wife to rest). Memories flood his head, which remind him of a version of himself, but not quite, though there’s no explanation as to how this has occurred. Maybe something about killing a siren makes you enter a time loop. Either way, the previous ‘happy ending’ was missing something: closure. This one delivers it.

In this ending, the protagonist tells the priest the ugly truth: he’s cursed by a demon. He, too, has to overcome their flawed belief that the siren is some kind of goddess. He cannot accept that, as he tries to deny this, claiming she loves them and gave them another chance at life. But she killed them before that. This truth frees them and they can move on, disappearing, accepting death, and Mrs Adams departs too.

The Siren no longer exists. Killing her influence kills her, which explains why she was taking so many souls in the first place. Both the protagonist and Travis resurface on the boat. It’s funny how the protagonist goes into delusional laughter but Travis is still so lost about everything. He thinks the protagonist doesn’t believe in the Siren; keep up, kid, he overcame that misbelief one plot beat ago.

This time, the protagonist doesn’t get the money he wanted, but the town is safe. I want to gush a bit about the motifs of light and darkness in this storygame. At the start, there were gloomy, cloudy skies, which signifies uncertainty. The cave was ominous, lacking joy, conveyed through words like “wailing” and “dark”. In the Legend killer ending, a ray of sunlight cuts through the clouds—there is now a bit of joy and hope amidst the general confusion that still surrounds the truth about the Siren. But in this final, secret ending, where the truth is revealed, there are sunny skies; a symbol of joy.

Amazing storygame and well worth a read! There’s a reason it is the top storygame of 2023, after all.

Legend killer ending. I have to say the protagonist is generally unlikeable, due to his greed, lack of empathy, and way he treats people.

However, he does have some redeeming qualities, such as his concern for Travis and his dogged determination, even in the face of death. It definitely gave me Moby Dick vibes.

The story itself pulled me in as soon as they were out on the water. The way Travis screws up putting a simple worm on a hook, and the relative quiet right before the Siren first strikes lead me into a false sense of security and then had me thinking fast, immediately hooked into watching for what would happen next.

Once the chase is on, I had to try and predict the behavior of a creature I know nothing about, all while it's trying to kill me. Even after I ran the Siren over with my boat, I was still apprehensive that she would somehow reform and tear people apart.

Honestly, this would make an absolutely perfect psychological horror film.

Well, Sherbet got her petticoats all in a twist and wanted me to read this thing, so here I am. I hope she doesn’t sell me to a different plantation away from all my family and friend. Anyway, I just want to reiterate that I don’t actually like horror at all. Luckily, this was fairly light on the psychological and thriller aspects and played more like a monster movie. Imagine the Creature From The Black Lagoon meets Jaws with heavy supernatural elements. Really, it was just an entertaining story overall, which is what we aim for. Atta girl, Sherb!

So, I really like reading Sherbet’s prose. It’s to the point, yet doesn’t leave me without an image in my mind. Sherb’s writing tends to be a little lighter and easier to digest so while it might not have any profoundly poetic moments, it’s much less of a chore to read than some of our more sense writers.

And that’s not to say that there aren’t moving moments. On the path to kill the Siren, I loved the moment of Respite when Mr. Robinson and Travis seemed to connect for the first time. After all, the protag, Robinson, is willing to let Travis die in multiple choices in multiple paths before this. It’s earned, too due to the danger they find themselves in. Danger has a way of binding people together and after this moment, Robinson never considers sacrificing Travis. This was as emotionally moving as anything in a story if this size could reasonably hope to be.

I also loved Robinson’s character development. Even though it was a shorter story, it didn’t feel unearned, due to the strangeness of the circumstances. Robinson either becoming harder or softer feels satisfying. I found most, but not all of the paths, and I also like the characterization of the spirits and the goddess herself.

ULTRA SPOILERS AHEAD

Alright, I loved the secret ending. Time loops are my favorite, and the idea that every time you went through the story (or at least the last two) is canon was just too cool. That’s also why I refer to the Siren as a goddess, because without more information, we’re left to assume that she’s somehow causing it.

Anyway, phenomenal job Sherb. I actually liked it.

after everything i wanted an ending where we chop her up with the butcher knife so we can bring back every piece and an ending where we bring her in alive and the siren becomes the towns tourist attraction half keeping her on land to keep her weakened or chained up - the town should get their revenge on the monster. it would have been really cool to get more backstory about the siren and her goddess self-image. Did she used to have real followers and they died and shes trying to rebuild? or is she just a monster with a god complex?

In my opinion, this has a good plotline without being too long.

Nice slice of Action/Horror fiction. Thought the monster was pretty interesting, but I felt like Travis was the real heart of the story. I like how each of the three major routes hinge around what condition he's in and what he brings out of Mr. Robinson - who's a very fun character himself. One more thing - if anyone is reading this hasn't started the story yet; I'd recommend trying to save the secret sixth ending for last since it basically functions as a 'true' ending imo. And about that ending...

*Spoilers*
I loved it. Was pleasantly reminded of Zero Escape. As far as I can tell there was no in-universe lore/explanation as to why Robinson could remember things across timelines, but it's worth brushing over little details like that since it so neatly resolved Robinson's character arc.

I really enjoyed the ruggedness of the main character. And how disgusting and diabolical the Siren was(as any mythical creature should be). It was overall very well done

This story is the worst story I have ever read. It was terrible. Never have I read a story as bad as this one. DO NOT READ THIS STORY.

I don't know how Sherbet does it, but his stories keep getting worse. Every time I read one of them, I get chills. I stay awake at night fearing for my life. Right now I'm nowhere near any water, and it's broad daylight, but I have a terrible feeling that the Siren is watching me. When I was on my trip in Arizona, every single time I walked through the pier I thought the Siren could come grab my leg and yank me down into the water. I was so busy worrying about the Siren that I didn't even see the naked man peeing right into the water. That's how scared I was. I could've been scarred for life by the naked man but I'm too scarred by this horrible story. Just terrible.

I repeat, this is the worse story ever. DO NOT READ or else you'll share my fate (staying up at night scared for my life).

8/8

Very good story

Short and sweet!

Truly a compelling narrative. I loved the jaws vibes it gave off along with the supernatural horrors tied into it. The siren was a little different than I expected it to be. I thought it would follow Greek mythology more closely but what we ended up with fit the setting you described.

Overall, a fun read. Just long enough to be entertaining and the main characters were memorable. I also liked what you did the secret ending. Congrats on winning the contest!

Got the Legend Killer Ending. The story is very competently written, as are the action scenes. The aforementioned Siren was honestly pretty intimidating, and killing her for good was pretty cathartic!

Interesting story, well worth winning the contest.

Love the way this immediately establishes the very distinct personality of the protagonist, and then doesn't stop there but develops him further.

Even with the (many) deaths, each of these paths feels complete, nothing feels rushed. The various ways you struggle with the creature are all pretty intense. I'm a sucker for secret endings, and this one was particularly satisfying and did something interesting with the multi path format.

Also, it won the contest, so that's pretty cool.

There may be mild spoilers ahead.

Sherbet writes horror again, and successfully so. Siren felt alive as a story - The image of a dark, sleepy town painted skillfully in oil, the wily protagonist, lovable apprentice, and the unrelenting terror of the Siren. Each aspect felt vivid, and naturally fitted within the story.

Plotwise, the story was concise and the frequent bouts of struggle against the Siren keeps the reader invested until the final conflict. Branching is healthy with varied endings, with a secret to encourage readers to reread.

SPAG was excellent, I don't think there's much to say about that. Solid atmospheric writing overall.

An enjoyable, evocative story, 7/8 on my scale.