Player Comments on Siren

We are presented with several characters throughout the journey, but the most notable ones are Will Robinson, Travis, and the Siren. Will Robinson is an older, well-seasoned fisherman hardened by years of experience on the ocean and knows all too well the “horrors” of this siren. He is unbelieving to the tales of her power and intelligence, and believes that there must be a rational, human explanation for the disappearances of his fellow townspeople. How wrong he must have felt by the end of his journey. Travis is Will Robinson’s young, eager apprentice who fully believes in the terrifying lore of the Siren. His fishing skills are extremely lack luster, and he is set up to be portrayed as not much help in aiding Will Robinson catch the Siren, which he is not depending on which ending you get. Despite his lack of skills, Travis makes up for them in his abundance of loyalty and determination to learn the fishing trade. By the end of the endings in which Travis lives, he is forever changed into a man of more courage and valor than he ever was before setting sail with Will Robinson on their fateful adventure. The Siren is a fantastic character. In some endings, she is portrayed as nothing more than a ravenous monster. In others, she is nothing short of an aquatic goddess. No matter which version of her you meet, she is in all of them an apex predator, cunning and relentless, with no hesitation in claiming lives.

I played through a few times to receive all the endings- Blessed, Abandoner, Empty, Ghost Town, Legend Killer, and God Killer (the secret ending). All were good, solid endings, but my favorite would have to be a tie between the Legend Killer ending and the secret ending, God Killer. I think the Legend Killer ending was great, in the sense that everything came full circle and everyone “won,” but God Killer tied up any and all loose ends that there could have been while still leaving our characters in the exact same place that we found them in. I love this ending, mostly because the author keeps the metaphorical location of our human characters constant, but we as readers can see this beautiful, mental transformation in both men. They left home one way, and returned as a completely different person, especially Will Robinson. When he left, he did not even believe in the legend of the Siren, but since returning home, he now knows the truth of her existence and seems to have almost a respect for her and her power.

There were few if any grammar mistakes that I saw, and this storygame was beautifully written. This author seems to have the natural ability to craft vivid, compelling narratives and a knack for making their words resonate. Their writing is not only technically sound, but it also captures emotions, paints vivid images, and draws readers in effortlessly. This story was not only captivating but exciting as well.

Overall, I was a pleasantly surprise with how much I enjoyed this storygame. I’m glad that even though you named your main character after an already famous character, your character followed its own storyline and journey. It was well written and could definitely hold its own. 7/8

Spoiler-free review

There’s two paths to making the reader feel the fear brought on by a story: one focuses on slowly building up the tension through subtle elements that slowly add up, creating an omnipresent sense of dread, while the other relies on much quicker, but ultimately less effective in the long term jumpscares, and a truly great horror story manages to blend the two together, amplifying the effectiveness of both. Siren tries and mostly succeeds in creating this blend, but at the same time it tries to do more than that, and in the process waters itself down.

Before explaining what I mean I should mention that the main reason why this shortcoming is not as big of a deal as my opening suggests is that the game is quite short. At slightly over 15.000 words with some heavy branching it goes by quite quickly for anyone intending to play it once and move on. At the same time this heavy branching is what waters down the dread it creates, as because of it the premise of sailing to hunt down a local legend only really applies to half the game. The quality of both halves is very high, but they take the story in two completely different directions, which might ultimately not be where the reader hopes it will go.

Even if it isn’t however, there is a lot to like about Siren. As previously mentioned the writing is stellar, and this becomes especially apparent when it comes to the major characters within the story, who manage to establish themselves quickly and then only grow whenever the story lets them. The only time when perhaps this great sense of detail when it comes to characters backfires slightly is whenever the focus falls on the protagonist. Will Robinson is far from a bad character. In fact he is written and developed in a way befitting an independent character, and because of that the second person narration feels strange at times as it becomes difficult to see him as a player avatar the longer the story goes.

Thankfully choices presented by the game don’t contradict his personality, and branching in itself is also solid, with plenty of endings to discover and even more ways to fail on our quest. There is even a secret ending to find, but its narrative value is somewhat questionable in my eyes. Despite it being on the shorter side there is some content that could be called padding and some endings don’t deliver as well as they perhaps could if the game was longer, allowing the reader to form greater attachment to it, but it is by no means incomplete or not worth reading as it is.

Being completely honest my opinion of Siren was quite a bit higher halfway through completing it than it was after finishing to do so, but even at this reduced enthusiasm for it I can’t deny that whenever it tries to be a tense horror I succeeds and when it strays to do other things it doesn’t outright fail at those either. I might’ve somewhat complained about it not being longer to better match my expectations, but at the same time I’m not so sure if I would be willing to blindly recommend it the way I am now if it did offer the same type and level of content, but in thirty or perhaps fifty thousand words.

Final score: 6/8

I enjoyed this one. But for a change I'm going to start with the one thing I liked the most in this review: the epilogue. Well, the last page, anyway. Two things: first, I like that for the very first time in the story, after the monster is killed, we get sunshine through the clouds, and a laugh from our dour protagonist. But what I like even more is that by the end of the story, the protagonist is EXACTLY where he started, and his true journey was inward. And even then, he didn't really change at his core. Oh, the trauma altered him slightly, and he was laughing at the end, indicating maybe he found some contentment to go along with the constant sternness and desire to get rich. But the hero's path in this one was circular, it was symmetrical.

SPOILERS FOR GAME OF THRONES.

I am in the vast minority when I argue that Jon Snow ending back at the Wall, the Hound ending up back with (and killing) his brother, Jaime back with Cersei (and dying), Sansa back at home, Tyron back at Kings Landing are EXACTLY where those arcs needed to end. If you didn't guess from the previous paragraph, I LOVE a story that starts exactly where it began, with the characters having to go through a difficult journey before returning to their lives with new eyes to appreciate what they had before.

So maybe I was just in a good mood, but that ending really shined a light on the rest of the story, and it's going to make it stick in my memory because of it.

But even the last second "alternate" ending, where the protagonist lets greed win and chooses to bring the creature home alive is great. I love that you end up living alone—a ghost—much like the sea monster. But more than that, what I love about it is that it is a single page ending. This allows for the convenience of quickly reading through an alternate universe bubble for the story, and then easily going back and finishing the main branch. Branching isn't something I particularly care about (as evidenced by my own stories), but when it's super convenient like this, it only adds to things.

As for the monster itself, the descriptions were suitably terrifying and surreal. The writer did a great job on that. As well as making sure the protagonist and supporting character had clearly distinct personalities and drives. Speaking of which, the campfire trope was used nicely here (when you choose to get some sleep instead of staying up all night), giving you a brief window into Travis. And the protagonist himself felt extremely weathered, realistic and thoroughly anchored to the world (if you'll pardon the nautical pun).

As for downsides, other than some POV confusion early in the story, and the fact that the detective doesn't seem to make another appearance (in my branch), the only real issue with this story is that it's kind of shot. I know, length five, but there was a lot of character conflict, town conflict, and background that could have been explored with a longer story. But in this case, it is obviously an artistic choice the author made.

On that note, I do love that the story starts right in the middle of the action—mid-sentence even. That's excellent, and, other than the initial POV confusion I had with the first couple of paragraphs, it hooked me.

So nice job on this. Two severed ghostly sea-monster thumbs up.

- - Quick Review - -
If you dream while you sleep ever, don’t read this in the dark. Just… don’t. Hey, thank you Fresh for this incredible suggestion! This is an eerie, horrific, gory, incredibly descriptive, disturbing, wonderfully written storygame. If you think in pictures… welcome to your funeral. Of course I definitely recommend, especially if you like horror, gore, sea-faring, fishing, being a greedy money-seeker, or generally hate sleep. Truly incredible story.

SPOILERS BELOW, JUST READ THE STORY (IF YOU DARE)

- - Highlights - -
This is one of the most descriptive stories I’ve ever read, not just on this site, in general. I felt the horrid, sharp, disgusting teeth inside a cold mouth sinking into my flesh. I heard the terrible scraping of wood and metal beneath the boat. I could see the inky grey siren’s distorted form swimming through the water. I could hear the shrieking. My heart lurched forward when I was being dragged into the water in the blink of an eye. Incredible descriptions; absolutely necessary for a horror story, perfectly executed in Siren.

The settings were also depicted beautifully. It sent a genuine shiver down my spine when I was reading the details of the scarlet and grey walls in the Siren hideout. I could feel the fog and sense the lack of a sunrise. It was so eerie and suspenseful and not overdone. Simply perfection.

Characters too. The main character, Mr. Robinson, is depicted as a greedy, old-fashioned, stubborn, selfish, rational, decisive, who is also occasionally caring for people such as Travis (no matter the motivation) and always passionate, disciplined, and determined. The author presents these traits in numerous ways, too. I love that it isn’t just “you are a greedy, old-fashioned fisherman.” It’s little descriptions sprinkled throughout the story so that the reader can really learn more about him as the story goes along and they begin to feel more and more connected, further allowing them to feel the horror effect. One of my favorite moments that characterizes Mr. Robinson is when Travis is telling him that Mr. Robinson will have to apologize for calling people who claimed to see Sirens crazy, and Mr. Robinson just says, “‘Still think they’re crazy. Just think I’m crazy now, too.’” Very artistic and creative line.

The way Mr. Robinson talks also really helps build not only his way of speech and how he sounds, but speaks for his background and mannerisms. There are a few times throughout the story where he references his heritage, showing us more about how Robinson is proud of his occupation since that’s what his family has done for generations in the very boat he fishes in. It’s also hinted at that the reason he takes on Travis as an apprentice who’s almost like a son to him because he has no son of his own and he does desire to pass on his livelihood. It’s a subtle, yet powerful connection.

Not just Mr. Robinson, all the other characters were very defined, even the ones who got very little time in the story. Mr. Adams, who’d lost his wife from the beginning is rich, intentional, grieving, slightly vengeful, has slightly given up on life. Detective Peterson was overly eager, nerdy, cautious, and takes himself way too seriously. Travis is one of my favorites, it made me sad in the branches where he dies. He’s a clumsy, boyish, respectful, sweet, enduring character who tries to be tough. At times, he kind of reminded me of Russell from UP? Was that just me? Anyway, love his character. Then of course the sirens are worshipers of THE Siren (who they call their goddess), and they are hungry, primal, loyal, inhuman, intelligent, vicious, violent, uncaring, ravaging, and the list goes on.

The suspense this story builds is insane— as in likely going to drive me insane… moving on. I couldn’t take my eyes off the story as it was getting intense, and every path has that (which I really appreciated). Suspense is a key element in horror, and it was nicely done in this storygame.

The descriptions of thoughts are brief enough to continue the reader’s engagement through action, while still providing insight on the story. Little things like this that help the reader get into the story are extra important in the genre of horror; the entire effect of horror is based around the reader feeling terror and sensing the, well, horror.

Then of course there are the five (hehe) endings. Blessed Ending, Abandoner Ending, Empty Ending, Ghost Town Ending, Legend Killer Ending, and God Killer (secret) Ending. Five, if you don’t give away the secret one. (Now see what you’ve done you little cheater who read the spoilers?) While the secret ending was the most morally satisfying, my favorite ending was Legend Killer because it was that happy little good guys win and get everything they wanted ending. Of course, the many endings that involved dying were also incredibly descriptive and the really concerning human in me loved every gory end to bits (haha).

Besides the story itself, the prose in this story was very smooth. The whole story was quite polished, making it easy to roll right along as I watched the horrors unfold. The language wasn’t as though I was reading out of a dictionary, but every word felt intentional and well chosen; the vocabulary was solid and fitting.

The use of dialogue in this storygame is engaging. This story doesn’t go into incredibly long rants of just descriptions with no dialogue, and it serves to keep readers excited and on the edge of their seat, eyes wide and unblinking, waiting in terrible suspense for the next bit of action. Dialogue keeps this story rolling, but it also isn’t overused to the point where there aren’t any descriptions of settings, action, characters, etc. A very well-balanced piece for sure.

Another thing I appreciated was that this story didn’t feel rushed at any point. In fact, every branch went on quite a bit with no path cut short. I was fully expecting the … after “Save Travis” to just be a death link, but no, it was actually a fully fleshed out branch and I was pleasantly surprised.

The author was also incredibly creative and artistic with this piece. Just an example of some of this incredible writing skill, “The final encounter between predator and prey has begun, all that’s left is to sort out who’s who.” Such phenomenal talent displayed through this story.

This entire story just feels like a cautionary tale that some grandpa or teenage boy is out scaring people with while out on a boat. I’m sure glad I don’t live in a house boat, because I don’t think I could after this. It also very well lives up to its name, taking a much more horrifying spin on the common mythical sirens.

- - Man I hate to be the bearer of (bad news) I MEAN imperfections - -
Just one thing I really wanted to see out of this story is a few more options. There were quite a few sad pages with only one link at the bottom, and at times it was a fine place to do that and it made sense; but, other times it felt like there really should’ve been a choice to make. An example of a place really missing a choice is in the path where Travis gets to take a break and there isn’t a turn back option. In the path where Travis gets just about drowned there is an option to go back, but there is only one option on this path and in my opinion it shouldn’t have been that way.

Ok, if I am wrong about this I apologize, I am far from an English expert. I noticed every time that there should’ve been a dash, there was a hyphen. That was the only SPAG mistake I noticed though, and it’s so tiny it’s barely worth mentioning.

These are super super nit picky, these barely draw from the quality of the story.

- - Final thoughts - -
Such an amazing horror story. It really checks all my boxes when I think “horror”. It’s got suspense, dread, gore, gruesomeness, terror, screaming, death, the whole enchilada. Something about those cold grey sirens will stick with me forever. Definitely a worthwhile read, maybe don’t expose small children to it. I would be interested in a story about Travis’s future adventures, though this story does not NEED a sequel. Very impressive storygame by Sherbet, especially for a contest entry but that doesn’t make up the impressiveness factor, it simply adds to it. Anyway, loved this story, I look forward to more from this author.

This story took my breath away, it was a fantastic horror story.

Although the overall premise seems simple at first glance: an old man and his apprentice journey through the seas to hunt down a vicious sea witch terrorizing the local town, as you go deeper into the story, it gets a lot more complex and darker. By deeper of course, I mean both deeper into the story, and deeper into the sea to find out what's really going on.

I got all 6 endings, including the secret ending.

Legend Killer
Abandoner
Ghost Town
Blessed
Empty
Secret: God-Killer

My favorite has to be the God-Killer ending, with Legend Killer a close ending. Till I got to the secret ending, Legend Killer seemed to be the most complete ending, offering the most closure. But once I got the secret ending(by getting Legend Killer, then resetting the game to go to the Blessed Ending), I got a sense of complete catharsis, and I felt like the story was fully wrapped up.

I liked the characterization of Robinson, the main character in Siren. He's this cranky old man, worn out and weathered by time. Remarkably cynical, the only thing he really seems to care about is money. So breaking down the walls of his cold heart and getting him to care about something other than personal gain was really rewarding. As the story progresses, I loved the way he interacts with Travis(in the path where Travis doesn't get sucked into the water), or tries to save him(in the path where Travis does get sucked into the water). In those paths, we see some good character development, which is remarkable for a story this short.

The Horror Aspect: Just wow. It was executed really well. I love the spooky atmosphere built, and the slow burn. The monster doesn't appear right way. As a matter of fact, Robinson actually underestimates the monster, because he doesn't even believe in her. Even when he does see her, he still underestimates the Siren, which really builds the suspense to the point when he finally realizes that this shit is serious and he needs to go all in.

At times, the story follows the gauntlet style, where you have a right and wrong choice, but there still is branching that leads to different paths. In the beginning and towards the end, the choices you make determine your fate, and there are many different directions you can go.

The story was really violent and bloody. I love the way Sherbet wrote the bloody violent scenes where you fight against the Siren, he really doesn't hold back on the violence. She doesn't make things easy, and at times when reading it, I was genuinely fearing for Robinson's life, which doesn't happen to me easily. That's the mark of a good writer.

Finally, I love the world-building and the lore behind the Siren. The reveal where some of the Siren's victims actually survived and became grey mermen who worship her as a Goddess was cool and added an extra angle to this whole story. There was an extra element of horror in this path that wasn't present in the other one, since here if you get caught the grey mermen eat you alive. And that writing was really well done!

Overall, this is a must read and a perfect example for why Sherbet has such a good reputation round these parts for his horror writing. Siren, Warden, Reborn, and Monster are fantastic horror interactive fiction pieces that are not only well-written and incredibly dark and visceral, but also a testament to Sherbet's versatile and skill in handling different horror topics with the same aplomb and finesse.

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, this review will contain lots of spoilers, so I suggest you read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Within one line, the description characterizes the protagonist, his motivation and his goal. It also builds atmosphere and hints at the central conflict of the story. His personality makes him uniquely suited to this story; in a world where there’s likely to be superstitions about a siren, he doesn’t believe in such things and is willing to venture into the unknown for money. Good dynamics are established before the storygame even begins.

The first page opens with dialogue. It creates mystery as to what the old man is speaking about. There is an investigator, here to unravel a mystery, and the protagonist, who thinks it’s an open and shut case. The protagonist scoffing at the detective shows his character. He sees the other man as “enthralled” and a “wannabe detective”. Their fight develops both their characters further, as there’s a complete clash of personalities. They’re character foils. The protagonist is just there for the money, believing the man’s wife has been eaten by a shark, whereas Peterson sees a greater mystery to solve. He’s interested in finding out more about the case.

Therefore, to each of them, the other is unbearable. The protagonist doesn’t like how Peterson is making things unnecessarily complicated and wasting time by trying to play detective. On the other hand, Peterson hates how the protagonist is just there for the money and doesn’t care much about the old man or what happened to his wife. The latter is the more likable (and dare I say, reasonable) one here.

At first, I thought the lengthy description about Mr. Adams was unnecessary and slowed down the pacing, but then I realized how it is an effective way to show how the Siren has affected him. His sudden outburst portrayed his passion, juxtaposing his earlier emotionless state. He’s clear about what he saw. It emphasizes the truth which the protagonist would eventually have to come to terms with.

Having the other detective there furthers the plot, as he asks questions the protagonist never would due to how he thinks he already knows what happened. Dialogue is used to convey new information that is relevant to the characters: Mr Adams’ wife was dragged into the waters, but a few hours later, he saw her and she attacked him. There are several possibilities that Peterson entertains; this leaves many unanswered questions, like clues to a mystery that the reader isn’t quite sure how to piece together yet.

There is a legend of the Bullhead Rock Siren, but the protagonist is not convinced in the slightest. He relies more on his own experiences and senses, and he has never seen it before. He sees those who believe in the legend as ‘attention-seekers’

The call to action, as delivered by Mr Adams, is to put his wife to rest. The money he offers forms the protagonist’s motivation. He’s not there to help, nor does he care about the old man. Given that he thinks she’s been eaten alive, it also shows how he is willing to take advantage of other people’s desperation to get money. This first page sets out a clear goal and also builds the stakes: not just death, but a fate worse than death.

WRITING STYLE

Dialogue is employed well for characterization, as each of the characters have distinct voices. The protagonist uses contractions and informalities, e.g. “yer”, “ya” and “‘bout”. Peterson, however, is more unsure, which is shown through his hesitations, questions and filler words. The protagonist enjoys insulting others, especially Peterson: “you’re as dumb as they come”, “little man”, “kid” and even the sarcastic “sherlock”. Mr Adams is described as “a confused geezer”.

Peterson represents the general reader with common sense — how can the protagonist be willing to head out there, without any plans or precautions, after what they just heard?
And how could he take advantage of the old man, thinking he’s blinded by his delusions and grieving? It makes the protagonist more unlikable, but this means his character arc at the end becomes all the more satisfying. Though more on that later.

Soon, the scene is set. As the protagonist and his apprentice head out in their boat, it is cold, without any sunlight, and there’s an “ever-thick blanket of gray in every direction”. It gives a sense of unease as the fog clouds their line of vision. Horror stories are partially about creating an atmosphere that fills the reader with anticipation and fear. This does it well.

There’s a moment of calm before the storm. The narrative focuses on the protagonist’s ease, relaxing as he looks out at familiar waters, reminiscing about how his boat was passed down by his father. After the first page where a lot of information and stakes were revealed, the pacing slows slightly. It’s a good technique to ensure the pacing ebbs and flows.

The description of the siren spans several lines. In fact, the lack of overly descriptive passages before this emphasizes its strange appearance even more, from its human looking hand to its grey skin. I noticed an observation → reaction → observation cycle, where the protagonist first takes in the scene, then reacts accordingly. For instance, the siren freezes, so the protagonist backs up, but it lashes out, so he falls backwards. This creates a chain of causation that is easy to follow, making each action connected to the ones prior.

While I do have more notes regarding the writing style, they’re linked to the next category so I’ve added them there instead. Sorry if this review is a bit less structured than normal.

PLOT & CHARACTER

Travis appears quite incompetent, which is shown through details like how he spent three minutes to bait his fishhook and failing, or how the protagonist describes him as “clumsy” and “completely hopeless in most regards”. He even runs a worm-covered hand through his hair. His only strength is that he’s determined. But this determination, if paired with incompetence, may be the reason for his downfall.

Once more, the two of them are character foils: incompetence vs expertise. While he tries in vain to bait a fish for three minutes, the protagonist does so in a second. It sets up interesting dynamics considering the protagonist’s impatience and Travis’ determination to learn from him.

On the first path I read, during their first encounter with the Siren, the protagonist is nearly sent overboard. It has an iron grip, nails digging into his skin, and despite his best efforts, he’s unable to get free. This creates a moment of realization: he’s not prepared to deal with her.

I like the choice to have Travis save him. Even though he stumbles and hesitates, he uses the meat cleaver to cut off the Siren’s hand. This marks a complete role reversal between them. The ‘less competent’ one saves the seasoned fisherman. And even now, the horror aspect remains, where the readers imagine how he cuts straight through to the bone. Black blood oozes out. Travis removes one finger at a time. Through over-describing this scene, the author is able to slow the pacing and immerse the reader in this gruesome moment. It adds to the sickening feeling.

Maybe it’s just me, but the protagonist seems borderline insane. Even after nearly dying, he doesn’t even take a moment to recover and he isn’t shaken by the attack in the slightest. He instantly chases after the siren, seeing it as the key to his paycheck.

When chasing the Siren, at one point, it disappears. I like the line “When your gaze returns to the water, you freeze up in confusion, eyes scanning all across where the body should be, but it's just gone.” Despite it being a longer cumulative sentence, each clause adds to the growing feeling of suspense and uncertainty. It also reminds me of the advice I once read: the most important point should go at the end of the sentence. Here, it is Travis’ disappearance.

In another branch, Travis is suddenly attacked. He first has false hope, believing the Siren to be weakened, but his sentence goes unfinished. The pacing speeds up. Short clauses separated by commas, as the Siren attempts to kill, but the protagonist retaliates, eventually stomping on her head. Although Travis is greatly injured, the Siren is in a worse state.

The protagonist finally sees it, and this moment is impactful because it threatens his core belief. “It defies everything you've believed”. But the protagonist tries to deny it even further when Travis tells him he owes the other characters an apology for dismissing their claims about the siren. It’s how he deals with his misbelief being threatened.

Travis and the protagonist saved each other, changing things between them. They sit together, as equals, speaking about all that happened. Though the change isn’t explicitly mentioned, it’s conveyed through dialogue. The protagonist no longer insults him, but entertains his questions, even the one which is somewhat of an insult (about how much he loves money).

It provides a bit of information about his backstory: he cares this much about money because it was how he was brought up, and people tend to live their parents’ truths because it’s all they know (unless something happens to change that, but that’s why we have character arcs). Travis says his parents would just spend the money on beer. He’s opening up too about his background. The protagonist mentions how he shouldn’t feel guilty about paying him in experience, which shows he’s starting to actually care! This information about the both of them makes them more real and developed, and therefore gets the reader to root for their survival.

An effective technique is that each page ends at a high point, like the call to action, the protagonist realizing his misbelief is flawed, and the siren’s third attack. It compels readers to continue the story.

Furthermore, there are realistic consequences to choices. Dumb decisions like the protag putting his hand into the water, as expected, leads to death.

If the protagonist stays up all night, the narrative dwells a bit more on the protagonist’s thoughts, which haven’t been characterized as much throughout the earlier scenes. At times, he appeared unaffected by events. But now, as night goes on, the readers are able to see how he is paranoid about every splash in the ocean, realizing the Siren is a much more intelligent and paranormal being. I have a slight nitpick here. The stakes do not appear too high, as for such an intelligent creature, they’ve bested it every time. Even their injuries—which are supposedly grievous—are not brought up again. Perhaps something about how it affects their current ability to perform actions on the boat or how it would weaken them in upcoming confrontations would make the Siren appear more formidable, and make the previous fights have a more lasting impact.

Actually, the protagonist not sleeping does have a large impact, since it means he’s unable to fight the next day when the Siren arrives, becoming one of her victims instead. The ending reveals more about the story and piques readers’ curiosity through mentions of the goddess bringing food for her people. It prompts them to find out more about the story. Immersion is created through the protagonist’s confusion. Description involves a number of details that only infer the larger picture: water in the protagonist’s lungs, lack of clarity as to what is occuring, rough stone as he’s dragged along into the darkness. The other sirens are similar yet different from the Siren. Parts of their appearance match hers, except that their grips are weak. As for the protagonist, there is an overwhelming sense of helplessness. He cannot speak and cannot move, stuck there like in a coma, his body not responding to his mind, able to do nothing but watch as he’s eaten alive.

On the other branch, Travis’ injury is mentioned and the both of them share more about each other. It’s an important aspect of stories that many other plot-focused narratives tend to miss out—there has to be breathing space in between, so the pacing speeds up and slows down. This gets readers to care about the characters too. Here, the protagonist starts to show a soft spot for Travis, as he actually makes sure he’s alright and questions him when he just pretends to be okay. Also, Travis’ motivation for joining him on this quest is revealed: he doesn't want to seem like a nobody and wants to impress a girl. The protagonist trying to encourage him by saying no one else has gotten bitten by a siren is a sweet moment. The next day, they are well rested and prepared to fight the Siren.

Siren seems to have completely recovered, which explains why she wanted her hand and raises the stakes as they’re the only ones injured. On one hand (get it?), I would have liked to see this dwelt more on, and how it changes the protagonist’s plans, but on the other, it may slow the pacing.

I have a slight nitpick, though feel free to disregard this, Sherb, as you’re the expert in horror while I don’t have much experience with the genre yet. At first, I found myself thinking that this story wasn’t as frightening as Reborn, seeming more like an action monster-hunting story as another comment pointed out, though I couldn’t place the reason. It has a strong sense of atmosphere and a scary antagonist. But the reason is likely that the protagonist himself is hardly shown to be afraid of the siren. Throughout the story, even when her fingers tear into his skin or she regrows back her limbs, he never seems scared. He just continues fighting as if nothing has ever happened. This is also why the part where he muses about her being unlike other creatures is a bit out of place. He has just been hunting her like any other creature, relying on strength more than wits or strategy. And she acts on pure instinct, whether that is impatience or anger. Neither of them seem to show much forethought and planning before attacking the other. Travis seems like the only one who understands he’s in a horror story haha. Him knocking the Siren out with a heavy box shows his courage in the face of fear, leading to Legend Killer ending (more about that in the next section).

On my second playthrough, Travis is the one fishing when the Siren attacks. Suspense is drawn out through details like how he isn’t anywhere to be seen and his fishing rod is cut. Once more, the observation → reaction (or how the protagonist interprets this) format is used, creating a logical sequence of events. When this sequence is broken by a question that can’t be answered, it creates suspense. The verbs “descending”, “flailing” and “suffocating” are in order of severity, hence the stakes are raised, as each moment, he moves slightly closer to death.

If the protagonist chooses to go on without him, he realizes that the Siren wants to kill him as much as he wants to kill it. I like the foreshadowing where it’s easy to chase after, thrashing about in the water. This was a trap. Trying to catch the Siren with a net only enrages it. Later, as his boat is destroyed, he has to face the truth: the Siren is real and much smarter than he thought.

Losing the boat affects the protagonist much more than losing Travis, though this is a sad scene. He thinks about money again and how much it would cost to repair it, coming to the conclusion that no matter what, it wouldn’t be enough. “Each piece, bit by bit, this monster taking away the last memory of family you have” — It shows the significance of this boat, making readers sympathize more, and its destruction is a gradual process, thereby really emphasizing his dark disaster moment.

Detective Peterson returns but the protagonist sees Travis begging to be saved. This parallels the story about the old man and his wife. Since the protagonist doesn’t believe in the sea witch, he is not afraid to help him. He succumbs to the fate that the old man narrowly avoided. Yet, leaving Travis there doesn’t lead to a happy ending either (more on that later; I’m starting to realize this new review structure isn’t the best chronologically either lol).

When the protagonist chooses to save Travis, he emerges in a new location. This setting is far more ominous than the seas. It is much too dark and too cold, with a blackened puddle being one of the first things the protagonist sees. He feels the slash wound across his throat; a reminder of a fate he almost met. His flashlight being about to die adds to the stakes.

The left or right choice is foreshadowed by cave art about what is in each room. There’s just enough information for the reader to guess at what is happening, yet the use of uncertainty like “hard to make out what exactly the food is” leaves questions unanswered. It’s paced well: the description first focuses on the worshippers, then the woman with rays of light, and finally, her lower body which is like a fish. It leaves the most surprising information until the end. The line “Your stomach turns” shows the impact on the protagonist and ends the page at a suspenseful point.

Motifs of cold and warmth are sprinkled throughout this path. The cavern is extremely cold, yet the protagonist finds warmth in the wailing voices and the pedestal. But it’s a false sort of comfort which dissipates as soon as he denies the Siren’s blessing.

The man with soulless white eyes speaks with simplistic words, with the repetition of gray, possibly hinting at the fact that he has been there so long he started to lose his mind. Still, the protagonist finds out answers when conversing with him. More light is shed as to the Siren’s actions and how she has amassed a cult-like following.

Denying the offer of a blessing leads to death. In this storygame, each of the death scenes are crafted carefully, rather than brushed aside like other stories I’ve seen. Descriptive language and sensory details, from the “rabid growls” to the “wave of pale and vicious attackers” ground readers in the scene, are interspersed with the protagonist’s thoughts, like how there’s no point in fighting back as there are too many of them.

Speaking of endings, let’s move to the next section.

ENDINGS

—Ghost town ending—

This ending uses a bit of ‘telling’ to summarize the trip back, though it makes sense as that information isn’t as important so the pacing speeds over these parts. Then, the Siren is found to be missing. She goes after the town instead. This ending showcases just how powerful she is, able to take down the entire place. It is worth considering, though, why she has never attempted to do this before if she could destroy the entire place in a matter of moments. But it captures the guilt of the protagonist quite well as he and his apprentice are haunted by what happened.

—Legend killer ending—

This is one of my favorite endings alongside the secret one. The protagonist almost forgets about the money after seeing how many people and families have been torn by that monster, which marks the start of his redemption arc. He achieves his goal of getting lots of money. Still, he remains for a while to train Travis, who has a new girlfriend (so it’s a happy ending for him too). The protagonist is finally at peace. Earlier he enjoyed the fog-filled seas, but now, he smiles when sunlight filters through the fog. The sunlight could be a metaphor or symbol of hope. And he finally has a sense of belonging

—Abandoner ending—

This may be somewhat of a corruption arc, as the protagonist only wanted the money and realizes it is not enough motivation. He tries to rationalize how Travis was never going to make it anyway, perhaps as a way to alleviate his guilt.

—Empty ending—

In this ending, the protagonist is forced to reconcile with the truth and abandon his misbelief. It starts with the line: “You’ve never been one to buy into the supernatural”. The protagonist knows, realistically, that the person before him asking for help cannot be Travis, as it’s impossible. But the voice is hard to ignore. It’s the classic emotions vs logic debate, where the protagonist has to control his emotional reaction in the face of logic.

But in the end, he feels empty. It’s a parallel to the old man at the start who lost his wife; the same man he scorned and wanted to take advantage of to get his money. And the ending line contrasts the first: “The monster is real”. The difference between these sentences shows his character arc.

—Blessed ending—

Whichever the protagonist chooses, whether that is taking the blessing or offering it to Travis, he thinks he’s giving Travis the better fate. It shows he’s got a soft spot for the boy. He isn’t as uncaring as he seemed at the start. Woah, it was dark how he had to eat the hand of the one who hired him for this mission, especially with the wedding ring on his finger. His wife was there too, with “eyes of pure evil.”

—Secret ending—

Time loops are fun. The protagonist can finally free the souls of these victims, which is the quest he was hired for at the start (to put Mr Adams’ wife to rest). Memories flood his head, which remind him of a version of himself, but not quite, though there’s no explanation as to how this has occurred. Maybe something about killing a siren makes you enter a time loop. Either way, the previous ‘happy ending’ was missing something: closure. This one delivers it.

In this ending, the protagonist tells the priest the ugly truth: he’s cursed by a demon. He, too, has to overcome their flawed belief that the siren is some kind of goddess. He cannot accept that, as he tries to deny this, claiming she loves them and gave them another chance at life. But she killed them before that. This truth frees them and they can move on, disappearing, accepting death, and Mrs Adams departs too.

The Siren no longer exists. Killing her influence kills her, which explains why she was taking so many souls in the first place. Both the protagonist and Travis resurface on the boat. It’s funny how the protagonist goes into delusional laughter but Travis is still so lost about everything. He thinks the protagonist doesn’t believe in the Siren; keep up, kid, he overcame that misbelief one plot beat ago.

This time, the protagonist doesn’t get the money he wanted, but the town is safe. I want to gush a bit about the motifs of light and darkness in this storygame. At the start, there were gloomy, cloudy skies, which signifies uncertainty. The cave was ominous, lacking joy, conveyed through words like “wailing” and “dark”. In the Legend killer ending, a ray of sunlight cuts through the clouds—there is now a bit of joy and hope amidst the general confusion that still surrounds the truth about the Siren. But in this final, secret ending, where the truth is revealed, there are sunny skies; a symbol of joy.

Amazing storygame and well worth a read! There’s a reason it is the top storygame of 2023, after all.

Great story! Really enjoyed exploring this one

Thanks to Mizal and Fresh_Out_The_Oven for recommending this! It was really good.

Short but intriguing!😎

Legend killer ending. I have to say the protagonist is generally unlikeable, due to his greed, lack of empathy, and way he treats people.

However, he does have some redeeming qualities, such as his concern for Travis and his dogged determination, even in the face of death. It definitely gave me Moby Dick vibes.

The story itself pulled me in as soon as they were out on the water. The way Travis screws up putting a simple worm on a hook, and the relative quiet right before the Siren first strikes lead me into a false sense of security and then had me thinking fast, immediately hooked into watching for what would happen next.

Once the chase is on, I had to try and predict the behavior of a creature I know nothing about, all while it's trying to kill me. Even after I ran the Siren over with my boat, I was still apprehensive that she would somehow reform and tear people apart.

Honestly, this would make an absolutely perfect psychological horror film.

after everything i wanted an ending where we chop her up with the butcher knife so we can bring back every piece and an ending where we bring her in alive and the siren becomes the towns tourist attraction half keeping her on land to keep her weakened or chained up - the town should get their revenge on the monster. it would have been really cool to get more backstory about the siren and her goddess self-image. Did she used to have real followers and they died and shes trying to rebuild? or is she just a monster with a god complex?

In my opinion, this has a good plotline without being too long.

Nice slice of Action/Horror fiction. Thought the monster was pretty interesting, but I felt like Travis was the real heart of the story. I like how each of the three major routes hinge around what condition he's in and what he brings out of Mr. Robinson - who's a very fun character himself. One more thing - if anyone is reading this hasn't started the story yet; I'd recommend trying to save the secret sixth ending for last since it basically functions as a 'true' ending imo. And about that ending...

*Spoilers*
I loved it. Was pleasantly reminded of Zero Escape. As far as I can tell there was no in-universe lore/explanation as to why Robinson could remember things across timelines, but it's worth brushing over little details like that since it so neatly resolved Robinson's character arc.

I really enjoyed the ruggedness of the main character. And how disgusting and diabolical the Siren was(as any mythical creature should be). It was overall very well done

This story is the worst story I have ever read. It was terrible. Never have I read a story as bad as this one. DO NOT READ THIS STORY.

I don't know how Sherbet does it, but his stories keep getting worse. Every time I read one of them, I get chills. I stay awake at night fearing for my life. Right now I'm nowhere near any water, and it's broad daylight, but I have a terrible feeling that the Siren is watching me. When I was on my trip in Arizona, every single time I walked through the pier I thought the Siren could come grab my leg and yank me down into the water. I was so busy worrying about the Siren that I didn't even see the naked man peeing right into the water. That's how scared I was. I could've been scarred for life by the naked man but I'm too scarred by this horrible story. Just terrible.

I repeat, this is the worse story ever. DO NOT READ or else you'll share my fate (staying up at night scared for my life).

8/8

Very good story

Well, Sherbet got her petticoats all in a twist and wanted me to read this thing, so here I am. I hope she doesn’t sell me to a different plantation away from all my family and friend. Anyway, I just want to reiterate that I don’t actually like horror at all. Luckily, this was fairly light on the psychological and thriller aspects and played more like a monster movie. Imagine the Creature From The Black Lagoon meets Jaws with heavy supernatural elements. Really, it was just an entertaining story overall, which is what we aim for. Atta girl, Sherb!

So, I really like reading Sherbet’s prose. It’s to the point, yet doesn’t leave me without an image in my mind. Sherb’s writing tends to be a little lighter and easier to digest so while it might not have any profoundly poetic moments, it’s much less of a chore to read than some of our more sense writers.

And that’s not to say that there aren’t moving moments. On the path to kill the Siren, I loved the moment of Respite when Mr. Robinson and Travis seemed to connect for the first time. After all, the protag, Robinson, is willing to let Travis die in multiple choices in multiple paths before this. It’s earned, too due to the danger they find themselves in. Danger has a way of binding people together and after this moment, Robinson never considers sacrificing Travis. This was as emotionally moving as anything in a story if this size could reasonably hope to be.

I also loved Robinson’s character development. Even though it was a shorter story, it didn’t feel unearned, due to the strangeness of the circumstances. Robinson either becoming harder or softer feels satisfying. I found most, but not all of the paths, and I also like the characterization of the spirits and the goddess herself.

ULTRA SPOILERS AHEAD

Alright, I loved the secret ending. Time loops are my favorite, and the idea that every time you went through the story (or at least the last two) is canon was just too cool. That’s also why I refer to the Siren as a goddess, because without more information, we’re left to assume that she’s somehow causing it.

Anyway, phenomenal job Sherb. I actually liked it.

Short and sweet!

Truly a compelling narrative. I loved the jaws vibes it gave off along with the supernatural horrors tied into it. The siren was a little different than I expected it to be. I thought it would follow Greek mythology more closely but what we ended up with fit the setting you described.

Overall, a fun read. Just long enough to be entertaining and the main characters were memorable. I also liked what you did the secret ending. Congrats on winning the contest!

Got the Legend Killer Ending. The story is very competently written, as are the action scenes. The aforementioned Siren was honestly pretty intimidating, and killing her for good was pretty cathartic!

Interesting story, well worth winning the contest.

Love the way this immediately establishes the very distinct personality of the protagonist, and then doesn't stop there but develops him further.

Even with the (many) deaths, each of these paths feels complete, nothing feels rushed. The various ways you struggle with the creature are all pretty intense. I'm a sucker for secret endings, and this one was particularly satisfying and did something interesting with the multi path format.

Also, it won the contest, so that's pretty cool.

There may be mild spoilers ahead.

Sherbet writes horror again, and successfully so. Siren felt alive as a story - The image of a dark, sleepy town painted skillfully in oil, the wily protagonist, lovable apprentice, and the unrelenting terror of the Siren. Each aspect felt vivid, and naturally fitted within the story.

Plotwise, the story was concise and the frequent bouts of struggle against the Siren keeps the reader invested until the final conflict. Branching is healthy with varied endings, with a secret to encourage readers to reread.

SPAG was excellent, I don't think there's much to say about that. Solid atmospheric writing overall.

An enjoyable, evocative story, 7/8 on my scale.