The Orb of Detroit
, #93 for
played 359 times (finished 65)
"no possible way to lose"
"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"
"must be at least this tall to play"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 10. If this were a movie, it would probably be between G and PG.
For an in person D and D game. I needed a tool that would help me DM while not being there.
Honestly, I would really love to see people use the main story page to hype up their story and entice people to read it. Or at least have some information that might lead the reader to understand what the story might be about. In this case this sounds like it is not a story at all, but a DM tool for a D&D game. So I’m expecting something to store monsters, create maps, and roll dice. I don’t think that’s possible with this interface, so I don’t know what I’m getting into here.
A little tip for any budding authors on this site: please don’t explain why your story is bad (such as the spell check comment). If you know your story is bad, or that something is bad about your story, go fix it! You don’t have to publish now, just go fix whatever stinks about your story, then you can remove the warning and republish it.
It’s a D&D game and I’m in Detroit, USA. Okaaaay. But hey, I don’t have the super-secret map, so I don’t know if that matters at this point. Thanks for explaining “attuning,” but that was kind of a rude way to explain it. In the first intro, Boddynock was the Duke of Detroit and a gnome. In the second intro he has been hidden away. Why was a Duke hidden? Has he been usurped? Is he ruling in exile? I don’t know what’s going on.
The writing is a bit rough, and I suspect aimed at a very narrow audience of people. The naming of people seemed pointless and the way my reputation increased was missing. If my reputation is starting to increase, why not give me a reason? Why not support what’s supposed to happen with additional ideas?
The idea here seems strong, but the implementation of this is off a bit IMO. There seem to be events happening without any reason, outside the story, without any explanation. I think the character point of view changes throughout the story, but that’s not really clear, either. There is even a place where there is an “option” to quit the game that isn’t even a link. There’s one page that says nothing but “Alex will do this part!” Is that supposed to be outside the game? Or was he supposed to make that page?
I think perhaps this was developed for a specific audience and was never intended for the average CYS reader. Perhaps it was never thought that people would be reading this years later. But that’s back to my very first point: if this wasn’t intended for general consumption, that could be noted on the main page to avoid this very type of comment!
on 6/24/2018 2:31:19 PM with a score of 0
At first, the *cough*ing really confused me. Try to introduce the characters differently because I had no idea what you were talking about at first.
Grammar wasn't a really big issue despite the lack of "spell check", which isn't an excuse for mistakes. The paragraphs could be broken down. They were a bit hard to read through.
Otherwise, it was really interesting! I really liked everything except for how it abruptly ended for me. It needs to be longer! I love your style and tone and writing skills, but you needed to spend more time expanding the story, the plot.
I would have rated it a 6/8 if the plot was more... Complete. I might have rated it a 7/8 if you added more story to it while keeping up the good writing. But no, the ending was disappointing, but the writing was great!
on 12/4/2016 9:56:45 PM with a score of 0
Completely incoherent. I have no other thing to say about it.
on 8/30/2019 5:07:46 PM with a score of 0
This may be fine as a tool, but should have stayed unpublished with sneak preview on. It isn't suited as a standalone game.
on 7/8/2018 12:37:02 PM with a score of 0
needs difgferent endings for each choice
on 2/14/2018 12:58:09 PM with a score of 0
Well this was a strange story, but I like strange stories. Also, there is a spell check. Try putting it on Advance.
on 10/11/2015 5:18:53 PM with a score of 0
And, because I forgot to mention it in the last comment, the storygame itself was alright. Not anything groundbreaking, but still alright.
I would recommend you break up your paragraphs thought. Seeing large masses of text just moshed up like that can be a bit intimidating to the reader and prompt them to skim over what you've written.
Good luck in the future!
on 10/10/2015 10:57:47 PM with a score of 0
"Ready for some back story? Well I hope so! (also noticing no spell check in this program so don't judge.)"
Oh, I most certainly WILL judge! Just because CYOA lacks spellcheck in their story writer doesn't excuse laziness. After all, you can always write pages in Word or something else and then copy/paste them over, and even (God forbid) use a dictionary!
on 10/10/2015 10:54:46 PM with a score of 0
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