"Ye who wield the written word and would seek to be it's master, heed my warning. Let thy pen flow free, but in thy work, though must fear seven deathly vices. Abstain from all manner of Pride, Greed, Wrath, Envy, Lust, Gluttony, and Sloth, lest thy ink be stopped for an eternity." - Some rando on the internet
Sometimes, I'm sure we all wish the writing community was a bright, happy place where everyone is nice, cool, and not annoying. In a perfect world, everyone who called themselves a writer would create meaningful discussions, take criticism well, and contribute to their online communities. But that's never going to happen, because the world is a shitty place. It's been that way for a long time and it's not gonna change anytime soon. Some would argue that we can still change little parts of it, and that it's more than enough to help just one person at a time. After all, your actions can make all the difference in the world to them, even if you didn't get the chance to feed all the starving children in africa. I wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment, and hope everyone here has already taken it to heart. With that in mind, I decided to turn off Netflix, get off my couch... and write a somewhat hypocritical forum post condemning about half of the online writing community to digital damnation. So without further ado, here's my version of the Seven Deadly Sins of Storytelling and the consequences for committing them.
Pride
Those who commit the deadly sin of pride believe their writing abilities rival those of Shakespeare himself. These are the people who post about their current WIP 30 times a day on social media and post "demos" and "previews" to build up hype for their story. They suffer from the unfortunate delusion that everyone is just dying to read their 300 word Warrior Cats fanfic the moment they hit the publish button and that they'll be completely swarmed with publishing companies vying for their attention within a week or two. Oftentimes, they'll refuse to take criticism of any kind, demand the ability to moderate their own comments, and throw a huge fit in the forums once their request is inevitably denied. Their punishment is to spend an eternity tied to a pole while a crowd below them heckles them, mocking not only their writing, but also their clothing, hairstyle, and literally everything else about them.
Greed
Similar to those who commit the sin of pride, those who are greedy want all eyes on them at all times. But unlike the prideful who merely expect attention to the point of annoyance, these people demand it. They'll whine and complain on the forums if their work doesn't have at least 20 comments within 24 hours of publishing. Their motivation for writing is not for the love of it, but for the fame and fortune they think comes with it. All they want out of life is to skyrocket up the economic and social ladder and spend their days drinking fine wine at fancy parties and bragging to their snooty friends about their latest novel. Their fate? To sit in an empty room with nothing but an endless stack of pen and paper writing epics. It may not sound so bad, but once they're finished, it'll all be thrown into the fireplace, never to be read by anyone else. Then they'll be forced to start again.
Wrath
These people get angry about everything. Not only will they throw a fit over any sort of criticism whatsoever, but they'll also spend their time ragging on everyone elses work too. This includes all the trolls who post things like "fuk u, ur stry sux" on 8/8 level work without any explanation. Additionally, they can't handle being involved in any sort of debate on the forums whatsoever, though they'll be the first to start it, actively inciting drama and having unprovoked political tyrades. They get to spend the rest of eternity tied to a chair with their mouth superglued shut, listening to lectures and stories that directly contradict their political views. Every twelve hours or so, someone comes in and picks apart everything they've ever written, pointing out every little thing that's wrong with them.
Envy
This one's reserved for those who plagiarize. Once called on it they'll deny everything, contradicting themselves at every turn and never admitting to what they've done. This includes people who copy the stories of video games and movies down to the last detail and call it fan-fiction. For their crimes, they must spend an eternity writing for a massive corporation, doing everything to the exact specifications of their crazy boss. He'll change his mind three dozen times between every draft and yell at the writer if they get even the smallest detail wrong. When the work finally releases, it's published under their least favorite polititians name and becomes a smashing success. Then they start the process all over again.
Lust
Some people just can't seem to keep it in their pants. People who commit the sin of lust write ridiculously graphic erotica and post it without even putting a warning on it. Bonus points for making it an erotic fanfiction. This doesn't apply to people who write regular sex scenes here or there, but rather to those who write entire novel length stories that are basically just one big orgy with no plot whatsoever. These people must spend eternity watching all their most hated ships make out over and over again. As an added bonus, their genitals are surgically removed and fed to a pack of sexy werewolves.
Gluttony
Gluttons often bite off far more than they can chew. These are the people who not only decide to take on 100,000 word epics with no prior writing experience, but also insist on publishing 500 word demos for those epics, "just to get some feedback." They inevitably give up on their project shortly thereafter and begin a new, equally daunting one. They produce a constant stream of demos and never learn their lesson no matter how many times they get deleted. Their punishment is to read an endless stream of 1/8 quality demos and first chapters, never seeing the endings and never getting a break.
Sloth
Lazy people never get anything done, and lazy writers are no exception. Much like those who commit the sin of Gluttony, they spend all their time posting about their WIPs without ever taking any time to work on them. They don't even produce so much as a preview. Many of these people enter contests and don't produce and get consigned to the shame pit on top of their other punishment. Their fate is to work at McDonalds forever, without ever getting so much as a fifteen minute break. They watch all their friends achieve fame and fortune while they're stuck as a wage slave for eternity. The worst part of it all is, they have to live with the knowledge that they could've made something of themselves if they'd just applied themselves more.
Final thoughts
I did this instead of working on my actual project, and I'm glad I did. Hopefully nobody takes this too seriously, as it's (mostly) satirical. I don't actually want anyone to be thrown into internet hell, I just thought it would be fun to speculate. It shouldn't even have to be said, but there are a lot of triggered people on the internet, so I just figured I'd make sure.
In hindsight, I'm pretty sure this post was at least partially inspired by this video below, so give it a watch so I don't make myself guilty of Envy on top of Sloth. I've always hated the idea of working in an office.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-5rulaywR0
