I don't fear monsters or biological foes, unless I have to face them in a life/death situation, as carefully engineered primal fears will force me to. I hate monsters. I get angry with them, but I don't fear them. I was bullied for ages, and it only made me mad, not fearful. If I were a dog, I'd be the kind that gets gradually more aggressive every time you kick it, not the kind that fears humans afterwards. Horror movies based around central antagonists therefore intrigue me, and thus, outside of jumpscares, I'm only ever excited, joyful, cynical, or bored when watching them, the same goes for most horror games, who, even though they have the whole immersion factor going for them, can't effectively get me to shudder at night or look over my shoulder with their monsters, even if I have my heaphones set to "deafening" and the rest of the room is pitch black.
I'm not afraid of losing the ability to fight. That makes me angry too. It makes me angry at my personal weakness, and just makes me sick. Again, probably my childhood.
I am sometimes afraid of trivial things, like fetish porn, surrealist horror, and one or two of the Deadrising psychopaths, but I've been able to turn that to frustration and confusion instead of fear, the second time around, they usually seem silly. There is one thing, though, that I've always, always hated, and feared.
I absolutely, positively fear humiliation, rejection, and the like. That was the one thing that my bullies, in all their bastard glory, in all their misshapen fantasies and misguided ideas of their own power, have EVER been able to inflict on me in any groups I deemed important. I was the only one that could truly humiliate myself, and with their fucking eyes scanning my every move, waiting for something to make fun of, waiting to find something so utterly "hilarious" that I believed even my greatest friends at school would gladly leave me in a ditch for thrills. I developed an INCREDIBLY dirty mind at the time, just so I could try and figure out what not to do and what not to say so even the smartest of asses would have much material to work with, I avoided people that didn't like me like the plague, one time shutting myself in a locker and anxiously watching through the vents to make sure they were gone before I came out again. (Which, in Elementary school, was a 'cool' thing to be able to do, so I didn't have to worry about whether it was more humiliating to hide in a locker than it was to be seen by certain people.) I was once so good at it during 2nd grade, before counselors more or less forced me to walk among people that weren't my friends, that so much as calling me a "faggot" even though nobody knew what it meant, was enough for me to effectively disappear from your life as soon as we left our class together. Outlast's locker rooms struck a veerrrry sensitive chord with me for this reason.
I guess that's why I kill a lot of annoying/insulting people in video games, because there I have the strength to deal with them and none of the consequences, I can avoid their bullshit eternally by throwing them off a bridge and watching all those problems roll down the river.
That's why RomComs and drama movies are more displeasurable to watch after seeing them a second time than even some of the most disturbing horror movies there are, to me anyway. I find myself cringing in almost physical pain during all those poorly communicated conflict scenes, I've had to shut my eyes at some points, Downton Abbey gave me stomachaches. Those movies and shows are nightmares. Horror movies are not.
That's my darkest fear.
