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*passed out coffee, tea, lemonade, napkins, and various baked goods to the workers and future readers of the Amazing CYS Times*

As you all know, I have moved on from the CYS Weekly to the Amazing CYS Times. At the moment, @Wolfmist is my only worker, but we're still going to have a good start for this newspaper, considering all the events occurring in the forums...

Anyway, this is the place to enjoy dem baked goods and beverages discuss the newspaper, suggest jokes and riddles for the Funnies page, and submit stories for the Story of the Week contest.

I'll make different posts for suggestion jokes/riddles and information on the SOTW. For now, welcome to the Amazing CYS Time's Coffee Room!

Jokes and Riddles, Oh My! ~ The Funnies Page

I will take four jokes and one Riddle of the Week. Post suggestions here.

What did the boy with no arms and legs get for Christmas?

Cancer.

....

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

Edit:: Someone should lighten the mood with a knock knock joke xD dark humor isn't for everyone...and this is the most mild one I could find on short notice.

Selected. This will be the only dark humor on the paper.

What do you get when a dragon sneezes?

Out of the way.

(This one you most likely have to say out loud to get it)

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Shmelmop.

Shmelmop who?

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Disgusting. Why would you ever do that?

Alright then. XD Selected.

Two more jokes and one Riddle of the Week will be taken now. No more dark humor, as one has been selected for that.

Ooh, here's a joke I learned from a professional!

The guy goes into the hospital, okay? His wife's just had a baby and he can't wait to see them both. So he meets the doctor and he says, 'Oh, Doc, I've been so worried. How are they?' And the doctor smiles and says, 'They're fine. Just fine. Your wife's delivered a healthy baby boy and they're both in tip-top form. You're one lucky guy.' So the guy rushes into the maternity ward with his flowers. But it's empty. His wife's bed is empty. 'Doc?' He says and turns around and the doctor and all the nurses wave their arms and scream in his face. 'April fool! Your wife's dead and the baby's a spastic!!

Once upon a time, there was a magician on a ship. Every voyage, he put on a show for the passengers. Because the passengers kept changing, the magician would always put on the same show with the same tricks.

The only constant was the captain. He would watch the show, along with his pet parrot. The parrot was smart, and figured out how the magician performed the tricks simply by watching every performance. Soon, the magician's shows were constantly interrupted by "Squawk! She's hiding under the table!" "Squawk! He's hiding one in his pocket!" "Squawk! There's a sponge in the cup!"

One day, the ship hit an iceberg. Tragically, the ship sank, and the sole survivor was the magician... or so he thought. Clinging onto the door he was using as a makeshift raft was that damned parrot of the captain's. The two drifted in stony silence for a day.

After four days, the parrot finally broke the silence with "Squawk! I give up, where's the fucking ship?"

Selected.

I will take one more joke. The Riddle of the Week is already chosen.

How about THIS joke?

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, “Take only one. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

or dis?

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

      This one is so fucking funny xD

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middleof the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, buthis dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized somethingand thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, andthe future is full of shit!"

It is confirmed! THIS ONE IS THE FUNNIEST!

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

XD Selected.

How do you make a plumber cry?

You kill his family.

lol

All four jokes are now chosen, and the selection for the week is closed.

Little Johnny moved to Alabama from New York City. His class was discussing Obama, who the teacher didn't like. She asked all the republicans to raise their hand, and all the students but Johnny did. So Mrs. Smith asked Johnny why he wasn't a republican, to which he replied "Well my parents are democrats, so that makes me a democrat." So the teacher sarcastically asked "If your parents were both idiots, would you still be an idiot?" Johnny said "No ma'am, then I'd be a republican."

Look above you, bruh.

I know it's too late, but...

Religious joke incoming.

Three men who never did anything bad in their lives died and went to the gates of Heaven. There, they met Jesus Christ, who told them that they must each do one bad thing so they can drink the holy water and go to Heaven. They each nodded, and went off to do those bad things. They came back soon after, and Jesus asked the first man, "What have you done?"

The first man replies with "I killed a man."

"Good." Jesus says. "Go drink the holy water and go to Heaven." The first man does so, and Jesus asks the second man, "What have you done?"

"I robbed a bank." The second man replies.

"Good. Go drink the holy water and go to Heaven." Jesus says, and the second man does so.

Jesus asked the third man, "What have you done?"

The third man replies, "I pissed in the holy water."

I will take four jokes!

This lemonade is nice...

It's made of pure farm-grown lemons and water from fresh springs.

Are the lemons free-range? I tend to only drink lemonade made with free-range lemons.

Yep, free-range, of course. It's the best kind.

Would you like a cookie with your lemonade? Or maybe a fresh scone?

And a spork to properly eat the scone?

Sure, if you want to bring one to the picnic.

No, thank you. I brought my own bit of strawberry pudding to snack on :)

The Story of the Week! ~ Week One

This week's theme: Crime in a Futuristic Society

Since the Villagers Forum Game covers crime in a medieval setting, why not crime set in a city in the future?

Your task if you wish to enter this contest is to write a story (must be short enough to fit into a forum post) that combines murder, mystery, and puzzling evidence with hover cars, jetpacks, and laser guns.

Your story must:

-have at least six characters, three of them being the suspects (the victims will count as characters)

-have decent length (nine paragraphs bare minimum, dialogue not counting; must be able to fit into a post as stated two paragraphs above)

-have details on the city it takes place in

-be written with decent grammar and spelling, and in English

All stories must be sent to me in a PM with the title of the message being your story's title. Your deadline is Saturday.

Good luck, writers!

*throws all the fake RP food for dumb babies into the fake RP trashcan where it belongs*

I'm kind of intrigued now at the idea of trying to cram a story into a single post. The theme would be especially tough to work with because you've got to include A.) the mystery and B) enough setting details so readers know wtf the deal is with your sc-fi city.

The SOTW contest will be simpler next week, with a more flexible theme.

Seriously how would it even be possible to write a mystery in nine paragraphs, let along a sci-fi one? I've already got that many and I'm barely past the intro. I don't even think this is going to be possible, Gonna finish the story but it'll probably be too big. S'okay though I enjoy wasting my time, why else would I be posting here.

Alright, writers! Today is the day to turn in your work! PM me your story (or at least an intro with a link continuing it) in two hours' time!

Edit: You gotta send it right the fuck now, I just learned I'm going to be extremely busy.

Thank you, DerpBacon, for providing these wonderful baked goods for free. They were very enjoyable - do you mind if I take some home with me? I might read the newspaper if you let me :)

Absolutely.

Where does the discussion of the warning go?

Before I commit myself to contribute further I have a question: Is this going to be a good newsletter like Will's Weekly Review? I glanced at a couple of threads about the CYS Weekly you mentioned here and they were full of bickering and jaystar various people behaving like idiots. I know you're independent now but still I can't let my reputation be tarnished by having my work associated with a publication whose editors don't know how to behave professionally.  

I'm trying my best to give it the same length and feel as Will11's newspaper, but whether or not the Amazing CYS Times will be a decent read will depend on what you think; I could say "yes, this is a decent newspaper," but that wouldn't be too humble on my part.

As for maturity, Wolfmist and I would never behave like ding-a-lings. This is a mature and neutral newspaper, no arguments or bickering.

Anything like this that gets people interested in the story-games or the site in general is a good idea :) I think your story-game writing idea is a good one but the more people involved or contributing to a project the greater the possibility for problems, silly debate, scheduling-conflicts etc. I'd definitely try to get mizal on board though, I suspect she could write pretty good short-story entries.

 

The paper is now moved to Sunday.

I oppose, because people should chill on Sundays.

You need Jesus.

Well, last week's SOTW was a tough one... How about a theme break?

Write a story of any theme, as long as it is a story with proper grammar and spelling (and written in English). If it's too long to fit into a post, created a storygame with no choices, just links. Never publish the storygame.

Of course, due Sunday. PM to me, including the title of the story.

Ah, so the next edition comes out Sunday?

Yas.

Postponing the next edition for these reasons:

• Chris has recently joined the team, and I'll let him get adjusted and write his article
• We have no Story of the Week submissions! And it was a free-for-all! Come on, guys!
• No attempts at solving last week's riddle! It's easier than you think!

I was interested, but I've been insanely busy.

You could've made a badass story, since you, well, are Kiel...

Eh, work on whatever you're busy with first. It's probably much more important.

How long does it need to be and how long do we have?

Bah. I'm not going to be finished with any of it any time soon. Maybe a break would do me good.
 

Are you fine with longer stories?

Nine paragraphs bare minimum, proper conventions (grammar) and spelling. Must be written in English, and must have a title. You've got a few days. If the story is too long to fit into a post, make an unpublished storygame and link me to it (doesn't need to be an actual storygame, just one link per page is fine).

"Are you fine with longer stories?" ... xD What a question. You're asking the person that made a nearly 1k page submission for their first game. Length takes time, though, and I am have both a reputation for procrastination -and- for biting off more than I can chew.

I'll see what I can do.

So no more newsletter for awhile? I was wondering why I didn't see any new threads. Will's is on hold too, boo.

I'd meant to do this and then I think you posted early and I missed the deadline. Oh well, the story really wouldn't have worked, it turned out to be a 6k monstrosity with a couple extremely rushed areas. Sometime when I get around to it I'll probably clean it up, slap a few choices on and make it a CYOA instead. 

Once again I find myself in a situation where I haven't read enough...