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So I'm taking a speech and debate class at my school, and the teacher gave us an assignment to tell a story about ourselves. Of course, this is going to have nothing to do with me - I don't have that interesting of a life yet. So I've got a few plans, I'm perfectly fine in front of large crowds so I want to be dramatic and inspiring and enticing with this story.

So what should my story be about? I thought of maybe doing a pirate story. But today was just "put ideas on paper" day. Teacher said it can be "somewhat stretching the truth" but I don't give a shit because the class is an easy A and I just need the credit. So I'm going to completely lie for the sake of having fun - which is like 90% of my educational career so far (regardless of how well I preform, I have the most fun in class activities).

You're all on a writing site, so...want to give me a script? ;D If it's exceptionally good I'll record it and post the video of me giving the speech. I deliver on Friday the 21st I believe (not to sure, wasn't paying much attention). The next two days are "drafting" (she's a new teacher - gotta do the educational bs outline).

I don't know how long the speech story is supposed to go, but my guess would be at least 2 minutes. I'm obviously going to be the best speech because 1)I'm a senior in a room of sophomores 2) I don't give a shit what people think and I like to be dramatic 3) Most people are choosing shitty topics like "the time I moved to New Mexico" or "When I got my pet dog a biscuit" 4) I have friends who are excellent writers and wouldn't mind helping me have fun IRL

Overall I want it to be dramatic. I can do voice impressions pretty well and I can do a few good accents. So at the moment, I'm willing to practice anything.

Talk about your experience with fencing... with a goddamn bear. 

Could work... Well there's a problem though. I've never fenced with a bear before.

YES YOU DID. You met him in the woods, ran him through and trussed him up by his own entrails. 

Shhh. They don't have to know. :P

...

"Once upon a time a cat got aids. the end" nice edit though :3

Thanks

Maybe you could work in the story where you killed your cousin after fighting on a mountain top.

I want it to be fictional.

Didn't they make a movie out of that once? Broke Back Cousin or Mountain or somesuch?

Remember that time that you had sex everywhere on earth and went to have sex on every planet in every universe, but you were so horny that you skipped putting on a spacesuit?

AND DIED?!

Yeah. Good times. Too bad I can't tell a room of 13 - 19 year olds about it.

How about the time you met your evil twin clone brother and fought on top of a submarine with your bare fists?

hmmm....that could be pretty good. How about with my bear fists?

Even better. You could even tell them the time when you fucked marcellus wallace like a bitch.

http://i.ytimg.com/vi/ysXMUj7XJ5Q/maxresdefault.jpg

I was in the navy. Our submarine, O' Henry, needed to surface and get a refuel. Nothing unusual - the normal rigmarole. Commander told me to go atop the surface and check for proper lineup. "Yes sir!"

I got atop the sub with the other officer - wait. We didn't have another officer. Who was this then?! It was none other than my evil twin brother who had stowed away on board the refueling vessel!

"You bastard! I should've killed you when I had a chance!" he said, and the scar on my face from our last fight seemed to burn with anger. I couldn't control myself - I let loose on him! Turning into my true form - a GRIZZLY BEAR!

Fueled with rage I fought him. My bear claws swiped and struck with great force! But he was too quick! My large fuzzy body, weighed down by seawater could not keep up with him.

Your brother was a bear since you were raised by bears and you tracked down your real parents who were actually pirates using a rogue Russian submarine to plunder wealthy cruise ships.

Shortly after you tracked your real parents down, your brother caught up with you because your bear parents gave you the family magic whistle instead of him and he was pissed. 

So you fought him with your bare hands on top of your real parents' submarine...underwater.

Obviously you won this fight because you're still here to tell the tale.

The magic whistle was cut from the chain I had it on my neck and lost at sea during the fight. With only a single grenade - hoping to use it on my criminal parents whom I want revenge on - I had no other choice!

The bear lunged towards me roaring! I pulled the pin on the grenade and lunged forward at him! I stuck my entire arm with the grenade down his big bear throat! BUT HE TOOK MY ARM OF WITH IT! I screamed as I bled into the sea! But I know - I had won.

I watched the final moments of my bear brother with panic in his eyes and said "Calm seas never made a good sailor..." the explosion was much more powerful than I thought and blood spread everywhere throughout the surrounding water. Sharks had already gathered...

So where does the Arab guy fit in all this?

Headphone Trampoline?

(that was my favorite one, anyway)

Hmm I liked the drunk hurricane in Russia. That was my favorite one.

Got a link?

An admin deleted all my fording posts ;_;

I MIGHT have it saved to a .doc on a flashdrive...but I doubt it :(

...

I mean... I get why... but... ouch ;(

Yeah I actually shed a tear from my eyes watering up when I found out :'(

Are you gonna use the "Bear Fists" one?

I might. I still want suggestions and stuff for something better.

What about the time where you fought Rhinoceratops and SuperPuma?

That's just ridiculous!

Alright, I know. You only made them bang. But it's a lot more exciting if you bend the truth a bit.

Perhaps it could be a Narnia-esque tale, of the time you discovered a land like no other, and helped defeat the cruel and unusual ruler and save the creatures of the world from its horrific clutches... You could even make the ruler your evil twin brother and incorporate the submarine scene. 

Your brilliant Survey-living style. You'll get a Nobel peace prize and probably the presidency if you say how you did that.

Yeah, he was doing that while he lived in Las Vegas. I also think he got into a sword fight with some mob guys and saved a showgirl he randomly bumped into on one of the rare times he left his penthouse.

You know me so well :'D

3 - 5 minute story

Teacher wants a complete draft by tomorrow even though people present on Friday and I hate doing drafts - so I got about 14 hours before I wake up tomorrow.

Luckily my partner is scoring my performance so I'll get a good grade regardless of how shitty the story I tell is. (can't possibly be any worse than "when I got <insert pet or award>" *cringe*)

Have a story about you going through your normal morning routine when it all goes batshit insane and you have to save humanity from an evil cat known only as 'Mr. Scamperton'.

No, I'm not on drugs right now.

Honestly, that doesn't sound half bad considering I'm on last-minute rush right now to just get something printed to show the teacher. I bullshitted my way through class today by copy-pasting my/endmasters posts and putting it into a notepad as "rough draft v.2" - it's absolute shit and basically unusable as a speech I have to give in 2 days. Unless some serious editing is done to the whole "fight a bear" script, I'm screwed and looking for anything easy to write about that sounds vaguely realistic xD

I'll be fine and figure something out. I'm not going to drop below a 3.8GPA yet! It's too early for that shit!

There's no chance of me losing or being the worst presentation. It's no official competition, but I want to be the best anyways - and I do best when I make it up as I go along. So my plan is to hand the teacher a rough draft and then present a story that has nothing to do with anything in the draft, thus making it up as I go along. Or I could bomb the draft and hope to raise my grade later in the semester...

Damn, really thought you were gonna use the MGS4 one... Honestly, if you can, I think you should just use one of your fording posts.

I DON'T FUCKING HAVE ANY ;_;

passive-aggressive intensifies

WHAAAAAAT

I did shit. Still got a 90/100 because (10%?) extra credit for volunteering to go first. My philosophy is it's easier to set a bar than it is to raise the bar - so I always go first whenever I get the chance to present in school for anything. Only one other guy was fairly good - the others are what I expected, "just got my dog when I was five and was really excited" cringe stories.

I used [this] fording post (the most recent one that has yet to be deleted). Turned out to be a bit over 3 minutes long, which worked out great because the time restraints were 3 - 5 minutes.

Thank you, EndMaster, for giving me something to copy-paste as a first draft and hand in for a checkmark. I didn't use it sadly, though I might next time if I expand on it.

Thanks everyone else for at least considering :P

Wait people are in school already? : O

I've been in school for two terms and six weeks. Why do you ask?

 I have a week and a half before school starts!

It's still summer for me.

'Tis Winter over here. I cannot wait for Spring.

Weird.

No, not particularly. I assume you live in the Northern Hemisphere.

Yep

 

And when I said weird I meant it feels weird.

Since the 12th.

Oh, ok.

I'm really nervous for school.