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There are 3 basic types of eating utensils; the spoon, the knife, and… the fork. They all have their roles to play in the consumption of food, or so it would seem. The spoon in its eternal grace and kindness, simply picks up the food while not alternating it on a mechanical or chemical level. It does not cut the food, nor does it, heaven forbid, puncture the food. It can be used to cut food, but that is not its original purpose, so anybody who does so should have their genitals castrated.

It picks up food; that’s it, no strings attached. When you think about it, the spoon is a symbol of modesty. It does not intrude upon the source it is taking from, it simply takes without disrupting the natural state of the food. That is a noble deed, and one we as a species should strive to emulate. We intrude upon nature and take its valuable resources, leaving the natural state lesser than then it once was. We should all learn from the wise and all-knowing spoon and instead of just taking the natural resources, we should also leave nature as it once was by replacing those natural resources. That is the lesson of the spoon, and an enlightening one it is.

The shape of the spoon is calming, natural, smooth, and circular. This shape matches the nature of the spoon perfectly, subconsciously informing whoever lays their eyes on the majestic utensil that it does not mean any harm, and more rather means the opposite.

Whether it be metal or plastic, the spoon is a grand and wise entity, and should be treated with respect.

The knife, on the other hand, is a mildly disgusting and disgraceful entity. It does not demonstrate the same level of etiquette and manners as the heralded spoon, though it is at the very least not as horrible as… it who shall not be mentioned. Its entire purpose when used in the consumption of food is to cut into the food. Cut into the food! Can you believe that?! It takes a smaller piece from a larger portion, leaving that larger portion uncomplete, insufficient, defiling it, leaving it exposed and overall disgracing the meal. This is unacceptable and quite frankly disgusting. However, to the knife’s credit it does have some modesty in its utterly despicable act. It slices the meal, but it cleanly does it; no chunks, no pieces falling off, no… holes. It’s not a messy job, and so I don’t consider the knife a complete degenerate. Again, anybody who uses the knife beyond its intended purpose should have their genitalia burned off with a hot soldering iron.

The shape and structure of the knife is reminiscent of its nature; hostile and vulgar. The sharp edge and pointy end tell all who are unfortunate enough to cross paths the true nature of the atrocious utensil.

However, despite all these outrageous flaws, the knife is unfortunately essential to the consumption of food. The demoralizing yet useful ability to divide food into smaller pieces for easier consumption is needed and necessary. So at the end of the day, the knife is staying no matter how much I despise it.

Forks. What is a fork? Well I’ll tell you what a fork is, it’s a SPAWN OF FUCKING SATAN HIMSELF. Allow me to explain. What is a fork used for? Picking up food, obviously. Now, how does the fork achieve this? That’s pretty obvious too, it FUCKING STICKS ITS FUCKING PRONGS INTO THE GODDAMN FOOD! This is disgusting on so many levels. Unlike the knife, which cuts the food cleanly, the fork puts holes into the food. Fucking holes! And not just once, oh no, it has to put four, three or two at the same time! Billions of people have access to a at least one fork. Billions of people have used a fork at least once. Billions of people use forks daily. Billions of people use forks everyday. Billions of people use forks more than once a day. Do you realize how many innocent meals have been defiled by forks? Do you realize how many meals are being defiled right now? This is unacceptable. What makes it even more unacceptable is the fact that we don’t even need the fork! Why can’t we pick up food with our bare hands? Because we’ll get our hands messy? Fuck you, clean up afterwards! That is just a small price to pay for respecting and acknowledging the integrity of the meal. If you take only one thing from this, let it be this: stop using forks, use your hands instead.

Now, we talk about the shape of the fork. The fork is composed of a plastic or metal strip connected to the body, in which two, three or four prongs are connected to this body (four is the usual amount). Sound familiar? That’s right, FUCKING DEVIL FORKS! The disgusting and atrocious forks are connected to a weapon devils use! Do you know what this means? That means that all people who use forks, god forbid daily, are SATAN WORSHIPPERS whether they know it or not! All people who have used this abhorrent device are tied to Lucifer himself! Millions, no, BILLIONS of people will be cast to the depths of Hell as soon as they take their last breath! But it doesn’t have to be that way! You can still save yourself! Take all the forks in your house and throw them into a fire! Take all the forks in your house and run them over with your car! TAKE ALL THE FORKS YOU CAN FIND AND DESTROY THEM ONCE AND FOR ALL! This is the only way. This is the only way that you can find peace in Heaven. This is the only way you can avoid toiling away in the ninth layer of Hell. This is the only way.

Thank you for listening, and remember; always avoid forks.

Also, people who try to cheat by using sporks are still going to Hell. They’re also disgracing the good name of the spoon by combining it with… that thing.

Also, people who use the fork beyond its original purpose should have their genitals mashed into goo.

Ford be fording yo

still salty about all my fording posts getting deleted

Personally, I like chopsticks.

Chopsticks are bad compared with the spoon for three reasons:

1. It consists of two separate parts, as opposed to the single part such as the magnificent spoon. One cannot work without the other, as opposed to the spoon working on it's own just fine. You can wrap some paper around the upper part to connect the two together, but that would make it three parts, distancing itself even further away from the much more mechanically effective spoon.

2. You have to touch the food from both sides, thus bringing the food farther away from its natural state as opposed the spoon only touching it from the bottom

3. It can't pick up water, as opposed to the spoon which is one of its primary functions.

I suppose, from a design standpoint, yes, they are separate parts, which is technically less efficient than the spoon. But the simple fact of the matter is, spoons just aren't as fun as chopsticks. Although, I will add, usually, spoons touch FAR more surface area on the food than chopsticks do, and you could easily use hollowed-out chopsticks as straws for moving liquids around.

Who the fuck drinks water with a spoon?

People who refuse to use forks to drink the proper way, obviously.

1. Spoon + Knife + Eating platform = 3 parts; 1 bowl (from which you can drink directly from in any quantity you'd ever so give a fuck about) + 1 pair of chopsticks = three parts.  Impale things with chopsticks and not worry about slicing your tongue vs impale things with a knive and cross your fingers that you're not too drunk to tell which part's the duller of the edges.

2. Spoon has limited capacity and demands that things be held within its curvature; chopsticks rely solely on the user's grip strength = all the more reason to do curls.  Knives crop out certain sections of the food and disrespect your food item as a whole, just like how your filthy society likes to shove its people into labelled boxes called "demographics".

3. Back to the bowl argument = drink the fcking liquids from your bowl you gentrified bourgeoisie sheep.

Did we cut things to death in our early days, or did we punch holes in things like we still do today?

It just works I guess.

I eat with a knife all the time. It performs all the tasks necessary for consuming an entire apple, leaving no flesh wasted on the core... It also works for other shit, like meat. Forks and Spoons, those heretical monstrosities, are irrelevant and unneeded for food consumption.

Just put a towel over your head and eat with your hands.

It takes longer to kill an aspiring assassin with a towel, though!

Why are you always so concerned with people trying to kill you? I thought you sealed off pudding and got the mob and Cthulhu to stop bothering you?

Because, Angela, we're smart. Haven't you ever read the Allegory of the Cave? People hate it when someone is wiser and more correct about things than they are! We need to protect ourselves!

That's... That isn't what you're supposed to take from that story, at all...

You absolute monster, do you even realize what you're doing? You're DISGRACING that apple and meat! You're cutting into it, destroying the natural state of the apple and meat by non-natural means! Why can't you simply pick up the apple with your hands and eat it as it came from the tree?! Why can't you pick up the meat and eat it as it came from the processing companies?! Why must you destroy what is precious before you eat it?! A spoon is absolutely needed; you can't pick up hot liquids with your hands, and drinking it from the bowl could cause some of the liquid to drip! It also doesn't mess with the natural state of the food!

You wasteful fool! The apple abandoned its natural state when it dropped from the tree and the plant no longer had use for it! The meat was altered from its natural state when it was removed from the animal and cooked! As a chef, I find your notion of natural preparation being superior to be abhorrent and blasphemous! Virtually nothing you eat, unless you're wild animal, is in it's natural state, ever, and the moment you detach it from the rest of the earth in order to eat it, it becomes altered. Alterations are necessary to enhance the experience! Soup is nothing but endless alterations being made to food before being put into a boiling or simmering pot of pure anti-natural-statehood! Bread is wheat ground out of its natural state by machines or tools, chemically altered from its natural state by microbes, and then those too are heated out of their natural state!

Tools and alterations from the natural state are as much a part of food superiority as they are a culinary art and thing of beauty. Knives are objects of cleanliness, minimal interference, capable of producing the best quality, target quantities of foodstuff and separating it from less tasteful or un-chewable pieces. A hand-eaten apple leaves precious fruit attached to the core that impedes the seeds and leaves only wasted, uneaten fruit. An apple expertly carved allows you to fully experience the offerings of the graceful fruit without risk of biting into refuse and arsenic germination fluid. Alteration enhances the experience. Alteration is the experience. There is nothing you can eat that isn't altered from its natural state, and the true glory comes from altering it in such a way.

I suppose the one thing you could eat without altering it would be small stones or sand, but you would alter it by digesting it, and sand tastes like shit. And you can put soup in a cup so it's drinkable, duh. Besides, if it's too hot to pick up with your hands, you shouldn't put it in your mouth. It kills the taste buds. Though, your senseless abuse of silverware, pouring hand-burning liquids all over something so delicate and intricate as a tongue, and other profane, mouth-damaging behavior certainly accounts for your utter lack of taste.

Sent, you must eat the core too.

this is why eating with your bare hands > eating with utensils

What about chopsticks

You're 40 minutes late to that joke, Skugga. You have to argue for the merits of Spives or Knorks or something, bring something new to the table.

Personal I use a giant whisk to brutally murder all of my food before sucking it through a straw

I've never thought about it before. But in any case, I very much agree. Afterall, spoons are simply the best utensils to eat pudding with.

GODDAMMIT!

I DIDN'T EXPECT TO BE GENUINELY UPSET!

I'm sorry. Would you like me to save half for you to cheer you up?

NO! BURN THAT HALF!

BURN THE WHOLE THING, IF POSSIBLE!

Nothing trumps eating with your bare hands. Imagine thrusting your hands into a giant tub of gooey strawberry pudding and taking them out, marveling over the huge chunks of delicious pink slime stuck to them. Imagine jamming your hands into your mouth and suckling every last drop of pudding from your fingers...a delicacy. 

Eh, I've been called worse things than a Satan worshipper. *picks up fork*

Please don't mix my Lord with your eating habits. Satan couldn't care less what you choose to eat with, be it a spoon, fork, knife, your hands, or with nothing but your mouth.

That being said, I would eat everything I could with a fork and knife before I was a vegetarian. Although I'll still opt for a fork and knife if I can use it, Burger? Fork and knife. Ribs? Fork and knife. Pizza? Fork and knife. Donut? Fork and knife. People gave me a lot of crap for eating like that, but my hands were always cleaner than theirs by the time the meal was finished.

Now, I'm not exactly sure what this is, so if this is some nouveau art thing forgive me, but if what I'm seeing is an actually post rather than some petrol vapor-induced hallucination that is soon to turn into a squawking bird with the voice of my mother, then this is the shittiest post I have ever seen and you should feel genuinely bad for making it. You are a cancer on the site and presumably in real life, and your mother should've swalloed you.

Truly, random rants about nothing are the bread and butter that built the mighty bread fortress that our forums are.  You are a disgrace, a blasphemer and a heretic.

I'd like to say that I was high when I made this, but I sadly can't. It's supposed to be a satire of conspiracy theorists who find some supernatural/religious meaning in objects where there is no supernatural/religious meaning in those objects, but I don't believe I succeeded in making it funny, either intentional or unintentional. Oh well, maybe I'll have better luck next time?

I'd rather you just not try again.

top kek

When people won't let a thread have a peaceful death. I mean, Jesus man, the goddamn thing was at half health! But you just had to give it a health potion, didn't you?

Goddamn necromancers, making my pathetic attempt at comedy easily visible to the whole world... What makes it even more annoying is the fact I can't even shame them for it since the thread is still technically new! Goddamn you lawful necromancers!

*Looks up after cutting something with a spoon.* Oh, shit. *Cuts it with a fork.* Well, my testicles are wrecked and I worship Satin.  Except for the fact that this is a ton of fucking gibberish that doesn't make any fucking sense.
Forks are the best utensil. The prongs make it easy to pick food up while it easily slides off the bowl shaped spoon.

You worship satin?

You must be really bored to have come up with such an argument.

Goddamnit, these mages and their accursed healing magic just won't stop reviving this boss! I've had to restart several times now because of this bullshit! Ugh, I'm getting out the cheat code book...

Yeah, I did that just to annoy you.

Thought I should get in on the fun.

The non-existant fun.

...Fuck, I can't find the goddamn cheat book! Where the hell is it?! What the hell did I do to it?! You know what? Fuck this, I'm going back to that store and getting the trade-in I deserve! Someone else is gonna have to put up with this horrid excuse for an interactive piece of software!

I keep reading this, this is the best rant that I have ever heard. Sure, there were the pudding and spork wars (Which I had read some about, but I wish there was an archive of the stuff that was posted for my laughing pleasure), but this is really awesome, because I am apparently a Satan worshiper too, because I use a fork and worse, I have eaten strawberry pudding with a fork, no wait, a spork.

Wouldn't all humans be Satan worshippers in that case, because we defile the food incredibly with saliva and teeth?

Of course, it's all so obvious now, but do sporks count?

@Bannerlord the necromancers never stop, do they?

All utensils are bad and immoral.

Not really, I mean, even the fork can be pretty cool sometimes.

Forks and spaghetti have great camaraderie. They move in unison, perfect harmony. I can respect the bond that forks and spaghetti share, despite my own feelings.