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I'm going through and revising all of Name Not Found after Liminal helped with the proofreading, and I just finished with the intro. I'm looking for feedback on it, especially on how well it serves as a hook.

After cursing your bad luck to the heavens and bandaging up your torn knee, you go back to kick at whatever unfortunate object had stood in your way. Instead of a satisfying thump, as you had expected, your toes flare up in pain after hitting what sounded like metal. More yelling commences, and you hop around, clutching your poor foot. After throwing a few rocks at it, you start digging the object up. A few minutes later, it reveals itself as a smooth, polished metal box. Bringing it home and opening it up, you find what you would imagine a redneck VR headset and a bootleg haptic feedback suit would make if they had a baby. A small, innocuous USB stick pokes out from a port in the side of the headset, surrounded by numerous wires that snake in and out. 

Flipping a switch next to the USB stick, it starts glowing a bright sky blue, and the wires seem to pulse in your vision. Putting on the headset, darkness fills your vision. Waiting for the logo of the manufacturer to appear, you hear a faint whirring sound, and the weight shifts on your head. A sudden pain in the back of your neck makes you double over, and your spine screams out in agony. The darkness that was only in your vision consumes your mind, and you black out.

I'm here to give you feedback on your work! First of all, I'd like to say that this is an excellent start!

Coming back to the feedback,

I think the first mistake (or something you can change) is that everything in the story happens too fast. The story starts with the main character angry; then he bandages up his torn-up leg, and, in his anger, he kicks at the ground. He is trying to kick something soft, but out of pure coincidence, he happens to kick a metal box.

After some yelling, he starts to dig up what his toe hit (the metal box), but what is it? A VR headset and a USB! The protagonist immediately decides to activate the USB and then puts on the VR headset. I know it's a story, but the odd part is we put on the VR headset we found in the middle of nowhere (I assume it could be a forest) immediately. It moves WAY too fast; I hope you edit those parts. Your story is shaping up well!

Probably-Daiki-Again (intuition, don't know why so don't ask) is right, the pacing needs a touch of work. I'm glad you're taking advice, though! That's how you improve as an author. It's a lot better than the original intro, at least.

This seems like it would be first page material, though, not description. If you're committed to making the actual storygame entirely the 'game' then I'd recommend making the description a bit more succinct, or take up less time. The description should be less like a story page and more like an introduction in the world. It more often talks about a character's thoughts, rather than actions (i.e. cursing after hitting the box would not be something on a typical description) Descriptions tend to be more factual or summary based, rather than the actual story, which reveals the character. Am I making sense? I'm not sure, but I tried.

Nah, couldn't be! Impossible! Who even is Daiki, anyway? You must be making a mistake.

"You find what you would imagine a redneck VR headset and a bootleg haptic feedback suit would make if they had a baby." I love this lol. Describing stuff always feels like a chore for me. It's really interesting to see an author do it in a way where the description itself is entertaining. Though, now you have me wondering what a redneck VR helmet looks like.