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Toss around ideas and brainstorm your story.

Biology sucks right?

4 years ago

Could someone help me proofread this/ give suggestions?

Beep* *Beep* *Beep*

"Ugh," you groan groping around your nightstand for the sleep button on your alarm clock. It's Monday, the worst day of the week.   You slowly open your eyes attempting to adjust to the blinding light. Your backpack lies haphazardly on the side of your bed and your A.P. Biology textbook lies open in front of you. As you groggily begin to start moving around you remember with a sudden jolt  that today is your Biology final. Last night you fell asleep before you could even start studying the second unit. Suddenly your sleepiness turns to panic. I'm never going to make it into Harvard unless if I ace this final.  You didn't pay attention in your hardest class idiot!  If only Sarah Harper wasn't right in front of me... You jump out of your bed filled with nervous energy.  You better do something to prepare for the final.  Suddenly the brilliant idea hits you, maybe I could fake being sick. If it works then you could prepare for the final tonight!

Biology sucks right?

4 years ago

Is this your entry for the school-based contest? If it is, good luck. If not, good luck.

EDIT: As for feedback, I think you have a good writing style going there and you manage to make what potentially could have been a mundane and boring sounding opening surprisingly good. I also like that there's a hook already with that last bit, about the faking sickness part. It's an action that sounds like it would be believable whether it succeeds or fails; if you are given the choice of whether or not to try it, I could see the result of doing it being positive or negative for the protagonist. That's always good to see in a CYS.

I am a little unsure of your word choice sometimes, though. "Haphazardly" to describe a backpack on the side of a bed seems a little too much, even though I know what you mean. Otherwise this looks like a promising start, so long as you can do something a little different to make it stand out from the crowd of other school-based storygames with similar plots.

Biology sucks right?

4 years ago

Honestly, I was hesitant about reading on after I realized that I was facing an overused opening scene: the main character awakens to face a new day. However, I liked how you didn't waste time going through the character's morning routine. Instead, you made them immediately face a serious problem before offering an unsafe solution: pretending to be ill. It was a good move to make, as many different events could occur as a result of this choice.  

As for your grammar, I feel that it could use more work. I think that the major issue is your lack of commas, as I noticed many places where they were missing. Your writing style was alright - it was good that you didn't include too many useless details while the character was awakening; otherwise, it may have discouraged me from reading. However, I feel that some of your descriptions could be replaced with stronger ones so that the reader can connect with the character and their emotions better. Some of them sounded a bit awkward. For instance, "as you groggily begin to start moving around" could be replaced with "Kicking off your sheets, you release a loud yawn and tug your arms back into a stretch. Your open textbook catches your attention, and you stare at it through drooping eyes. Mmm, what was I studying for last night? you wonder. For a few seconds, you struggle to recover your memories from your cottony mind. But then, it hits you. Today is your biology final - you fell asleep before you could even start studying the second unit!" Also, "You jump out of your bed filled with nervous energy" might sound better as "As your stomach flips, you scramble out of bed and press a hand against your pounding heart." 

Best of luck. I hope you continue working on this, as I'm interested to see what happens to the character. Using a mundane opening was a dangerous move, but you managed to recapture some of my interest by quickly presenting the problem. However, you may have to be careful when writing the next few scenes (be sure that you keep the reader's interest) because it'll be easy to lose your reader's attention if there are too many dull or seemingly unimportant moments.